Sometimes I feel like I am just bankrolling my husband’s identity crisis

[goldensleather]

@gillbean He would have to go through the match again. And in our state, you have to complete 2 years of residency to get your medical license. Maybe non clinical work is his path forward.

 

[gillbean]

@goldensleather Yeah if he has to match again that’s like another two years before he actually starts. Non clinical stuff or research or something will at least keep him busy and get him a paycheck while he applies.

 

[goldensleather]

@keatongtsteven IF he goes back to residency, he’s not naive. He would pick something that he had a shot of getting into (like family med). And yes, he’d be looking for something with better work life balance. What’s crazy is my husband is like the smartest person I know. He is also incredibly strategic. It blows my mind we are even in this position. Like he’s the last person I thought this would happen to.

 

[keatongtsteven]

@goldensleather Honestly, I think once you’ve experienced how mentally exhausting medical school/residency is, a big part of what drives people to finish is just the momentum of being in the middle of it — especially having your peers around you that are doing the same thing. I remember friends in medical school taking a year off prior to residency and I knew that if I stepped away from it even briefly, I’d have a really hard time restarting. I imagine having little kids and having to take the plunge, it would be really challenging.

 

[mimicap46]

@goldensleather Is your husband treating his ADHD? Meds or therapy? When I was reading this I was just like hmmm this seems like ADHD. Then you mentioned it. The inability to start or finish tasks that have lots of moving parts is a big symptom of un or under managed ADHD. Not saying it'll solve all your problems but it's worth looking into.

 

[goldensleather]

@mimicap46 Thanks, it’s a good thought. He is medicated, and I think he believes the medicine fixed his problems, but we may need to reevaluate how much the ADHD is actually steering this ship.

 

[mimicap46]

@goldensleather You might check out some of the resources in the wiki for the r/ADHD_partners sub to see if anything speaks to you and your experience. Meds help, but can only take some people so far. ADHD can be rather complex. Yes, it's a different wiring of the brain, but it also can have a lot of comorbidities and tough lived experiences that force an ADHD person to create maladaptive habits and thoughts that need to be unlearned.

 

[alittlebirdee]

@goldensleather I am TYPE A, a parent, have ADHD and work in medicine.
I see this flailing around that he seems to be doing and I've done it myself, though posssibly never quite to this degree likely because I never let myself lose any momentum (yes im burntout lol) due to a fear of being paralyzed via my adhd....and because I haven't parented 3 under 3!
I have a very hard time not procrastinating on something big, especially when I have to organize myself to get started and doubly when I get interrupted a lot (aka parenting, illness, being back up care, etc). It ends up with me going down a ton of rabbit holes, then I get overwhelmed, then I start a home project and ultimately wake up a year later, no further along.
If he has ADHD, I would consider looking into ADHD coaching and possibly settling on a time line (I.e. 1 to 3 months) with a short term nanny or another form of back up care, just to get him unstuck and built up forward momentum.

 

[goldensleather]

@alittlebirdee Thanks. Really appreciate these comments from people that also have ADHD. You are describing him to a tee and it really helps me understand better. I will look into some ADHD coaching.

 

[alittlebirdee]

@goldensleather Thank you as well because this gave me more insight into why my husband gets frustrated with me! You outlined this from the partner perspective really clearly

 

[mksamas]

@goldensleather It sounds like your husband has never lived as a single adult. He doesn't know how. He needs therapy or a career coach.

There are lots of paths to different kinds of medical work other than going back to medical school. He could pursue nursing, physicians assistant, or even dental hygiene (apparently they make bank).

But he seems trapped, trying to steer himself

 

[kylein]

@goldensleather My sister went through something similar in residency. He needs to talk to a job coach and his MD program staff. She ended up switching from a toxic residency program to something that she was much more passionate about. Her mental health tanked during residency and in the waiting phase for finding a new program.

 

[goldensleather]

@kylein Thanks. I appreciate your input. Similar story for sure. He was in a very toxic residency program as well.

 

[kylein]

@goldensleather For a few years afterward she had other residents reach out to her and share that they also couldn’t take the program and needed advice on how to get out. I feel for you and your husband. It’s super hard to be the spouse in this situation.

 

[revealdotorg]

@goldensleather Tell him you’re mentally tired and you are getting FMLA and taking 3 months off of work - with no pay. Tell him you want to sit down and talk about how you all are going to financially survive without any income whatsoever for 3 months…. See what he says. Really lean into how you just can’t juggle all the balls anymore. See what he says.

IF he can’t see that you’re hurting… and he gets upset at you for putting the family in a tough spot… then that will tell you what you need to know.

IF he basically says I’ll go out and get any job whatsoever tomorrow…. Then you know he’s still dialed in to your family.

Other folks may downvote me for this but what happens if you cannot work. What happens?

 

[cubikman]

@goldensleather You stepped up, and now he needs to. Yes his path isnt easy, but its his path and he needs to figure it out to support his family, instead of passing the ball to you. Could yall try couples therapy? Having a third party mediator might help.

 

[swiftxjames]

@goldensleather I don’t have anything valuable to add. Wanted to express my support.

Has he reached to his career office?

 

[onisha]

@goldensleather Counseling stat. Both marriage and individual.

He sounds like me, depression made me a churning ball of anger, helplessness, grandiose ideas, and blaming others because I couldn’t achieve those ideals.

You sound supportive and at the end of your own rope. Three kids is a lot, and toddlerhood is HARD.

 

[nathan98]

@goldensleather 1) Ultimatums hurt marriages.
2) Reddit is notorious for knee-jerk advice to get a divorce.
3) This sub is notorious for framing marriage as a chore-splitting transaction.
With all that said - put your marriage first, and be the best person you can be to the human you married, who is lost and hurting right now. Even if the lost-and-hurting manifests as not carrying his share of the burden. That’s my advice as someone who’s been married 29 years, and weathered some very rough patches with incurable illness.

 

[ayberk22]

@nathan98

put your marriage first, and be the best person you can be to the human you married, who is lost and hurting right now. Even if the lost-and-hurting manifests as not carrying his share of the burden.

Idk if you didn't see it or hear it... she's also hurt as well. She's carrying too much of the burden. Marriage comes first when your spouse also puts marriage first. If you are putting him and marriage first while he's not, that's also not going to work.