Sometimes I feel like I am just bankrolling my husband’s identity crisis

goldensleather

New member
Venting more than anything. My husband and I have been married 6 years, and had 3 kids in 18 months (because twins…) It hasn’t been easy. Our marriage has basically been a rollercoaster of blessings (kids) and disappointments (everything else). I’m an attorney. We got married right after I graduated law school and I had a job at a prestigious firm, crazy high starting salary and all. He started medical school as soon as we got married. Our original plan was for me to work while he was in school and in training to set us up well financially, then think about kids and I could stay home while the kids were little - reevaluate the rest once they were in school. After a year of the law firm, I was pregnant with our first and couldn’t keep up with the pace and have a healthy pregnancy, so I found a job in-house with a company. I still have a pretty great salary, and lots of stability and actual work/life balance. He did okay in med school, but it was complicated by those 3 kids in 18 months (all special surprises…the twins doubly so). Med school was marked by chaos and babies and COVID and it was just a mess. He graduated, but long story short, he left his training about a year and a half ago because neither of us were coping at home and he was at risk of flaming out anyway. He has been home ever since.

My husband is an over-functioner, great at getting tasks done, errands run, cleaning the house (or at least tidying – he hates clutter), but not built for stay-at-home dad life. Half a day of just him and the kids and he needs a day off. If he has to be alone with the kids, he will find ANYONE to help him…mom, dad, sister, random neighbor who is good with kids (mostly joking for effect…he is extremely protective). For the past year, we have paid for basically full time childcare so he could “get his career back on track” and I have worked to support us. I was WFH for a while, but moved back into the office about a month ago hoping it would be a boost to my husband to want to get out too (he also thought this way and was supportive of my going back).

He has no real plan, as far as I can tell, and tells me I need to do more around the house, with the kids, administrating from afar, so he can figure out his next moves. He has said this for over a year now. He feels like if he is the backup childcare plan (which someone has to be) then he will never feel like he can really focus on his own stuff. We haven’t had the best luck with childcare – not horrible, just not ideal either, but he doesn’t seem to take advantage of the help we do have. He runs a lot of errands… he moves piles around the house… he mows the yard? But mostly, he just seems to get angry or sad about his situation and spiral down into hopelessness and then needs me to pull him out. And to his credit, he is facing a seemingly impossible task of getting back into medicine after leaving the field in the middle of training. He basically has to start training over and there is no playbook on exactly how to do that. He feels like a failure and is terrified of failing again. But he won’t do anything about it. I don’t even care that he goes back to medicine. I just want him to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

He doesn’t bum around the house all day. He’s not the type. He is extremely Type-A, high strung, always moving (thank you ADHD). He is GOOD at working. He NEEDS a job. And frankly is driving everyone crazy because he SHOULDN’T be at home. But he is struggling. And I am pulling my hair out because I am working full time just so I can pay a nanny to care for our 3 kids, so he can….I’m not sure exactly? But question him, or ask the plan, or make suggestions, and I am not helping, I am not supporting. I don’t know what to do. But I KNOW that my salary allows for this to go on like this. I wanted to be the parent that stayed home with the kids - I still do, but also love the financial stability my salary provides. I expect to pay for childcare so that we can both work. But I would love a little help? Or not to be paying for it if he plans not to go back to work? I don’t know what to do.

TLDR: My husband has been out of work for a year and half with little to no plan to get back into it. We pay for full time childcare so he can get back to work, but he doesn’t do anything career productive with the time. He creates busy work for himself and then complains he doesn’t have time for anything because he is taking care of the kids. I feel pretty hopeless.
 
@goldensleather There’s a guy (or girl) on the residency subreddit who specializes in helping people figure out what to do if they decide to get out of medicine.

I think (and I’m just assuming) that the problem is limbo. You thought you would be a sahp and now there is no direction. Is he or isn’t he going back to work?
 
@bearingfruitfortis I think he is desperate to get back to work (or so he claims), but doesn’t know how or does not want to do the (very hard) work it will take to get back. He wants to get back into a residency and continue his medical training. He has his MD. He just doesn’t know how without the med school momentum pushing him forward.
 
@goldensleather
He has his MD. He just doesn’t know how without the med school momentum pushing him forward.

What specialty did he match into?

It would probably be best to just go back to his old job as a PGY1. He might not even have to apply again. Also there are lots of unfilled spots every year, if you're up for moving somewhere new for him to complete his training.
 
@selimahope Internal medicine. He SOAPed. He wanted anesthesia and his school had a less than 50% match rate that year (COVID). He went to a decent school - typically they have like over 90% match success for that specialty. He was one of the unlucky ones. We tried the “we’ll go anywhere to make it work.” It was a dumpster fire, hence the flame out. I’ve moved 3 times for his career now with nothing to show for it. I won’t move again.
 
@goldensleather
I won’t move again

He may not have a choice. He's not exactly the most desirable candidate. If he is to match into anything, he will likely not have the luxury to choose which program he goes to. So either you move with him, or he moves by himself.

Anesthesia is really really hot right now, it's unlikely for him to match into anesthesia at this time.

That said, if you are in california bay area, let me know. I can have him shadow me in the OR if he wants to attempt to match anesthesia (despite the odds).

If you are in houston, also let me know. I have connections there.
 
@goldensleather If he scrambled into in internal medicine spot and then left the program.... he's not getting another residency slot. It's not happening. There's too many talented candidates out there to waste a match spot on your husband. He needs to look seriously into different career paths, either within or outside of medicine. And you need to look seriously at a partner who thinks it's okay to put you hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt without the ability to get out of it.
 
@jisarwm Harsh truth here. An MD is a powerful degree however, and OP should see if her husband can use it as an entry point into a non-clinical career of some type.
 
@goldensleather Is he possibly interested in working for a university? My cousins husband got his MD and then since she was finishing law school he didn't want to start residency. So for I think 3 years (maybe 4) after finishing med school he worked at a university doing research. He eventually did his residency and now works in a hospital. But maybe that would be a place for your husband to start? I don't work in that field so I have no clue how my cousins husband got in doing what he did. I know he was super worried about starting residency so long after med school. But it all worked out and he has been done with residency and working for about a year now.
 
@goldensleather My husband was laid off at the height of Covid. We waited a bit until it was possible to get childcare again (kids were 4, 1 and 1) and then arranged childcare 1 day a week. That was his job search day. The other 4 days a week were him being a SAHD.

Yes, there ended up being job-hunting tasks that came up on T-F too but he just needed to deal with them like any person who is job hunting while working FT does.

My husband is a wonderful dad but also not really the ideal candidate for being a SAHD (and 3 kids 4 and under is a lot, as you know)

Frankly it really motivated him to find a paid job again.
Tons of people (including me!) would love to be a SAHP with FT childcare. But it’s just not a thing for the non-wealthy. I’d really put my foot down at this point.
 
@goldensleather Not sure the ultimatum I’d set but I’d give him a timeline to get a plan together. It seems you’ve given him more than enough time on this. Maybe if he doesn’t get something started by X date, he’s going to be responsible for childcare for 2-3 days/week to save more of your salary. Maybe a career coach? I’m not sure exactly but this would drive me bananas
 
@katrina2017 I’d add in some sort of mental health support. There’s no way you flame out of med school and don’t have depression/anxiety blocking you from moving forward. That’s got to be very difficult, but obviously ignoring it isn’t a viable option.
 
@davidjohnn51 Mental health support 💯. This sounds like anxiety / depression to me, too, which with a combination of 3 littles, pausing medical training, pandemic, ADHD, etc. is totally understandable. If he’s smart enough and disciplined enough to graduate medical school, he’s capable of getting his career back on track. Something must be blocking his progress, and I’m going to guess it’s mental health as well. Push him to find a therapist. The current path is unsustainable for both of you.
 
@davidjohnn51 With ADHD there’s rejection sensitivity and decision paralysis that they should be aware of. If he pushes away from mental health, then sitting down with a med school counsellor and creating a plan would be a great step just to be pointed in the right direction.
 
@chelleaiken81 As an ADHDer who basically built and then subsequently crashed my own business, the feeling like a failure and decision paralysis kept me in a state of “nothingness” more or less for a year. And I didn’t have kids at the time to cause more stress.

Is he currently seeing someone to treat his ADHD, OP? It may be time to talk to someone about depression and anxiety, too. He might just need some guidance, and someone to help him take steps forward that doesn’t love him.
 
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