Sometimes I feel like I am just bankrolling my husband’s identity crisis

@goldensleather Just wanted to post that you are not alone. My husband burned out in a bad way from his ultra-specialized engineering job last winter, and I told him to quit because I did not want to live with an angry, exhausted, crispy husk of a human anymore.

Now it’s 6 months later, he’s still angry and burned out, and now he’s blaming it on our kid and me. We had a big blow up a couple weeks ago in which I said THERAPY and MORE THERAPY or else, and I’m waiting for it to get better. He hasn’t done a job search since he started his old job 15+ years ago, and I am trying so hard not to project manage him and further piss him off. At least I got him to take over making dinner and doing most of the grocery shopping…
 
@goldensleather It sounds like he's been through a LOT but this isn't sustainable. As the working parent you should absolutely not be responsible for the bulk of the housework, especially if you're also paying for childcare. I'd expect you to pitch in a lot if he was dealing with all three kids every day, but if he's not then there's no reason there's any housework that he's not responsible for.

If you're:

- responsible for chores

- working full-time

- paying for childcare

Then what, exactly, is he bringing to the table? I'm sure he's a great guy and a good spouse but if you were to get a divorce, would your life realistically be any harder? If not, that might be the reality check he needs - being told that he is not contributing to the family at all. You're not a bad person or partner for needing a partner who actually contributes to the household. If he says you're not being supportive, remind him that you've been supporting this for a while already. It's time for a kick in the butt because you can't keep bein everything for everyone without help.
 
@goldensleather Seems pretty clear that the current set up is not working for you and is working great for him. He has no motivation whatsoever to change things.

I hate the idea of ultimatums in marriage but it seems like the only way to get him incentivized to make a change. Seems like the choices should be:

Option #1: he becomes a dedicated SAHP, or, at the very least a SAH housekeeper while your kids are watched by the nanny (if you can afford that in the long term). In this scenario, it’s crucial that he gets a very clear remit for his responsibilities around the house. In no universe should an unemployed spouse with no childcare duties expect their full time employed spouse to do the bulk of the housework. If he’s at home, he needs to be contributing to the home. You need to get clear with him on what that is.

Option #2: he starts an active job search with the goal of landing full time employment by x date. Side projects get deprioritized in favour of the job search.

Option #3: well, this is the grey area that only you can decide. What’s the alternative here if he isn’t willing to do 1 or 2? Would you take him to couples counselling? Talk about separation? Divorce? How can you incentivize him to actually do something here? This will be personal for you but if the stakes aren’t high enough I can guarantee he won’t change.

Frankly the root cause here of all of his problems is him prioritizing his own wants and needs over yours and those of your family. Part of me understands why he’s doing it. It’s really tough to have 3 kids in 18 months, to burn out from med school, to have to make a total career shift. But just because it’s tough doesn’t mean it absolves him or his responsibilities as a husband and father.

Wishing you good luck - this is super tough to navigate.
 
@goldensleather https://www.docjobs.com/

This website has resources and job opportunities for people leaving clinical medicine - it actually started out as the “Drop Out Club,” a networking resource for doctors and scientists outside of traditional clinical/research tracks. They have webinars about career options and how to craft a resume/cover letter for non-clinical/non-academic jobs.

It might be useful for him just to recognize that he has options as an MD other than the grind of clinical medicine. I went through something similar to your husband (I dropped out of med school due to cancer) and now work for a pharmaceutical company - feel free to DM if you need someone to talk to about it!
 
@goldensleather Is he in therapy? He desperately needs therapy.

If he completed at least one year of residency, and it sounds like he did, I believe he can do certain jobs, like urgent care. That might be state dependent but it’s not hard to research. There’s also research type jobs, admin jobs, and plenty of other job he can do with a medical degree. He needs therapy first and career counseling second.
 
@goldensleather It sounds like he is very VERY good at identifying a million little tasks that need to get done as a way of escaping having to make bigger decisions. That leaves him in limbo and dissatisfied, but the limbo only makes it harder for him to make these choices.

It is very hard to leave clinical medicine for another field after investing so much time into the training. Maybe he doesn't exactly need a kick in the butt, but he needs to meet a few people who were doctors and left clinical practice behind just so that he can see that things are actually ok in alternate careers - it doesn't have to be all or nothing. He doesn't have to redo residency for a medicine-adjacent career. It'll be better for work life balance in fact if he doesn't redo residency. At the bare minimum, he needs to attend a job fair (they have those for doctors just like other careers, and not all the jobs at these things are actually for clinical medicine)
 
@goldensleather So my situation is very different but my husband started school, dropped out, and then decided to be a SAHP to our one son. Son is 4, we just moved closer to family to have a village and I had to give my husband an ultimatum. He had to go back to school or get a job. My husband is not good at any of the administrative stuff so I am working full time as well as running the household. Husband starts his job in 3 weeks!
 
@goldensleather I am not a doctor but do have ADHD and would hate being a SAHP. If I have an unlimited amount of time I get almost nothing done. I’m much, much more productive on days when I have my kids and/or work than the days that I don’t (if they’re at nana’s or they’re at daycare and I take the day off). He needs more to do. I get that he’s stressed but he is in a place of extreme privilege and for him to blame you or say he doesn’t want to watch his own children or be their (backup?!?!) childcare is frankly bananas. You must be a saint to have put up with it thus far. I would much rather be single than a single married mom.

Yes, he is likely depressed but many, many Americans are depressed and still functioning because they have to. Does he have a lack of accountability in other areas?

I echo other posters and say if he doesn’t want to go back to medical school he should look into clinical research. He could be a medical director, the pay is pretty good, the hours are great, and he’d have great work life balance.
 
@goldensleather Not exactly the answer to the issue but I wonder if he would be a good paramedic. With medical training and a high-energy personality, it might suit him. Plus shift work can function well with kids, especially with the ability to trade shifts if needed.
 
@samuelp1994 It’s not easy to go from one healthcare field into EMS, it’s much more doable the other way around. I’m a paramedic and an educator and the best way I can describe why it doesn’t work well is that we learn ditch doctor medicine. We learn to put out fires and do what’s necessary with almost no resources. As an MD OP’s husband learned to rely on clinical and lab findings more than a focused assessment. He’d be very overwhelmed by the way we do things. He also learned to do procedures with a nurse, a respiratory therapist, and a PA helping him. We learn to do it with an EMT or firefighter that don’t know how to do what we’re doing.

EMS is highly specialized and skilled. It’s not an appropriate path for a wash out from another medical discipline.
 
@mpaper345 Thanks! I hadn’t thought about it that way. I have a friend who did med school after military service and then decided she was more suited to EMT life, partially because of her background, but clearly it’s a more nuanced switch than I had thought. I appreciate your perspective.
 
@samuelp1994 It probably worked well for her because she was already an EMT and learned our ways of doing things. It’s definitely easy to switch from paramedic to another discipline and excel. It’s just not as easy from EMT into something else or something else into EMS. I’d think a good route for OP’s husband would be CAA. He already has the undergrad, the patient contacts, and the pre-requisites. It’ll be two more years of schooling and the pay isn’t as high as an MD, but it’s a really good work/life balance and good salary.
 
@samuelp1994 Oh man I miss my husbands firefighter schedule. He’s 8-5 now. But dang I didn’t realize how good we had it. He would come home exhausted but had all day and then the night to recover.

He’s seems more exhausted now than when he was working 24hr shifts.
 
@katrina2017 Our kids are in preschool. Husband or I takes them in the morning at 9:30 and we have someone who picks them up in the afternoon (2:30) and watches them at our house until 6 pm. This summer we had someone 8:30 - 5:30 at our house.
 
@goldensleather Does he have to go through the match again or can he start where he left off? Is he interested in non clinical work? Have him join us over at physician non clinical career hunters group on Facebook, lots of great info about non clinical careers many of which are remote and some don’t require residency.
 
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