Sometimes I feel like I am just bankrolling my husband’s identity crisis

[marymagdelene]

@goldensleather Time for a very serious conversation. I’m very pro taking breaks from work if needed and supporting your partner, but there are absolutely limits. Nothing you’re doing or not doing (you’re doing more than enough to be clear) is the reason he’s not figured his stuff out. I’m also a lawyer (trying to leave a firm) and can attest to how mentally exhausting it is even in the best of times.

Your husband needs to get back to work ASAP. Maybe he needs a career coach, maybe he needs a therapist, maybe he needs a kick in the butt. That’s for him to determine. Having a stay at home parent is a two yeses situation or it’s a no. Being the only person working is mentally exhausting and a recipe for disaster unless it’s what both people want. This is even worse because you actually wanted, and were promised, a chance to have time out of the workforce. My point is, you’ve given your husband considerable space to figure it out and support—it’s well beyond time for him to step up.

 

[katrina2017]

@goldensleather Wow this sounds like his adhd is managing his life and your bankroll allows for it

 

[shaynaleab]

@goldensleather As a physician who finished training 2 years ago, I am sympathetic to your husband's plight in a way that people who aren't in medicine might not fully understand. It's a monumental task to match into residency a second time after leaving a first residency. Part of the challenge, as you say, is that there's no established roadmap to return. And for him, with an MD but no residency and now a year and a half away from clinical medicine, he has few work skills. I can see how even the most motivated people would feel discouraged, stuck, and frustrated in this situation.

It sounds like he is motivated to work. I think he needs to decide -- as soon as possible -- whether he actually wants to return to residency/clinical medicine, or to enter a non-clinical career. Depending on situation that led him to leave his first training program, going back to clinical medicine will probably be somewhat harder to a LOT harder. For example, does he have the support of his previous PD, from whom he will need a letter of recommendation? Are you and he okay with moving, and/or doing long distance for the duration of his residency, because while there is never guarantee anyone will match in the city of their choice, that chance is even slimmer for your husband? Is he okay with going into a less competitive field like community FM or IM?) And most importantly -- what will he and you be doing differently this time to make sure he does not leave again?

Unfortunately, the longer he is away from medicine, the harder it will be for him to return.

Wishing you guys introspection, direction, luck, and sympathy.

 

[sunnie101]

@goldensleather Sometimes we marry people who need help in ways that don’t make sense to us. My husband is very capable and highly intelligent. But creating a long term roadmap for his life is not one of his skills. He has ADHD and like your husband can get himself enmeshed in irrelevant details, despair, and self flagellation.

I think you need to project manage this. And that sucks. But what does he ACTUALLY need to do to get his training back on schedule? Break it down into steps for him and then give him a timeline to do the steps or accept that he isn’t willing to do the steps and now has to apply for any job, any where but at least 10 applications a day.

He has managed to do a classic ADHD bullshit technique of holding you responsible for his nonsense. A full grown capable man can be backup childcare (backup! Not even primary) and still get shit done. Pretending it is somehow YOUR responsibility to be back up child care when you are the only one with a job is some next level insanity going from him. Pretending YOU need to carry more chore weight than your jobless husband is also insane.

Where. Is. His. Plan?! And if he doesn’t have one, you need to make it for him and have clear consequences (welcome to being a stay at home dad or getting whatever job you can get, waiting tables if necessary, but the gravy train for your existential drama is over would be my clear communication).

 

[goldensleather]

@sunnie101 I was afraid of this answer (the project managing part) but I think you’re right. I really appreciate you breaking it down like this. Your second 2 paragraphs are my thoughts exactly.

 

[mimicap46]

@goldensleather IMO, I'd be wary of project managing his career/job search. It can very easily slip into a parent/child dynamic and that's a one way ticket to resentment on both your counts.

 

[goldensleather]

@mimicap46 It’s a fair concern, for sure. I don’t think he’d let me parent him like that anyway. He has a lot of pride. After reading through all of the helpful suggestions, I think my plan right now is to compile a list of resources for him (therapists specializing in ADHD, job/career coaches, non clinical job options, etc.) and give him the list and tell him it’s time to start utilizing resources. Make three or four categories and make him pick one in each category and just get started.

 

[danbu]

@goldensleather I have ADHD, my husband does slightly, but he does have some neurodivergent tendencies and is a recovering ego-maniac. (He is working on it, lol).

I would not be able to project manage him, he wouldn’t take it from me. I’d have to appeal to someone who he really respects, like his best friend or father to breech the topic. It just is what it is.

If there is someone he respects, who you respect and trust, I’d first just ask their opinion on the situation. Then, if they are a typical fix-it man they will have a solution. Then, again, if it’s a typical fix-it man, you can do the “You know, that’s a great idea. Would you be willing to talk to him about that? I think he’d really respect it coming from you.”

 

[xpres]

@goldensleather You might not need to manage the whole project but maybe help him by showing interest in helping him? I do think since he is trying and wants to work then i’d be willing to put in some effort to help him figure it out…but maybe he can help you with some stuff too?

 

[sunnie101]

@xpres Frankly, at least with my ADHD husband, this way lies anger. For someone who doesn't struggle with project management it can be MADDENING to try to help, give someone just a small component of the project to manage themselves, and then see them flail unproductively---often while blaming YOU.

I find it more productive to just do it and the hold him accountable for implementation.

 

[jennitexan]

@sunnie101 I was in a sorta similar situation. I stopped paying for daycare and started paying for him to see a therapist weekly. He didn't exactly love this move, but he does love the kids and has come to accept it for the most part. I have offered to help project manage his "next step" career-wise or whatever goal he wants to accomplish, but he hasn't come up with one yet so ¯_(ツ)_/¯.

I'm good with it as long as he stays in therapy and is safe with the kids (which has never been in question). This lifestyle has a lot of advantages for all of us, and on his good days he can see that too.

 

[sunnie101]

@jennitexan I think this is a very reasonable solution assuming he can handle the kids. It puts the onus back on him: "Don't like being a stay at home dad? Make. A. Plan."

 

[andreaibaya]

@goldensleather Are there no med school loans to pay back? Is he medicated for his adhd? If you have full time childcare, I’m at a loss trying to understand what this awful paralysis is about. 40 hours a week is a lot of time to have no progress to show for it.

 

[goldensleather]

@andreaibaya My salary paid for med school and then some. He’s good a managing our money, so we are debt free. He’s very medicated for his ADHD. I genuinely don’t know, but the mental health concern others have picked up on has to be the biggest thing causing the paralysis.

 

[andreaibaya]

@goldensleather That’s truly great that you’re debt free. Maybe a life/career coach from the same industry or marriage therapy would be a good next step?

 

[goldensleather]

@andreaibaya Thank you. I will look into both.

 

[goonie]

@goldensleather He needs therapy or coaching. There are ADHD coaches out there that can help him with next steps. Medication is a vital piece for a lot of ADHDers so it’s great that he’s medicated but it doesn’t magically make our lack of coping skills better or undo much of the negative self talk and habits we develop over the years because of the ADHD.

If he’s already an MD can’t he get a job at an urgent care or a clinic or a hospital? It might not be exactly what he wants but it would be something for now and would help get him “back in the game” so to speak.

 

[ayberk22]

@goldensleather That's really really rough. He's going to have a huge uphill battle to face to get re-matched into residency. Maybe he's finding this almost like an impossible barrier and getting super frustrated? I know when I feel like I have a huge task that seems impossible, I tend to procrastinate. I'm sure he has a lot of anxiety and likely depression.

Unfortunately he needs to get a move on it. He doesn't have a real "fire" under his butt to get him going. The longer he waits, the harder it is to get back into medicine. He needs to find someone to shadow, redo his letter of rec (hopefully his USMLE step 1-3 are completed). He can also consider working at urgent care as a doctor if he has completed his intern year in some states.

- Also a young physician here.

Ps. there are alternative routes if he no longer wishes to be a physician. He can work for pharmaceutical companies too.

 

[kvarneberg]

@goldensleather Psychiatrist here. He needs a therapist skilled in ADHD and you both need to sit down with a career counselor (some med schools will still advise him in this situation) so you can be on the same page with clear objectives and timelines.

 

[tracytray02]

@goldensleather He should look into government jobs... maybe the department of public health for your state or county or the CDC. Many of these jobs in my state have good pay, predictable 9-5 hours, good benefits, and generous leave time. Some have a pension and are unionized.