goldensleather
New member
Venting more than anything. My husband and I have been married 6 years, and had 3 kids in 18 months (because twins…) It hasn’t been easy. Our marriage has basically been a rollercoaster of blessings (kids) and disappointments (everything else). I’m an attorney. We got married right after I graduated law school and I had a job at a prestigious firm, crazy high starting salary and all. He started medical school as soon as we got married. Our original plan was for me to work while he was in school and in training to set us up well financially, then think about kids and I could stay home while the kids were little - reevaluate the rest once they were in school. After a year of the law firm, I was pregnant with our first and couldn’t keep up with the pace and have a healthy pregnancy, so I found a job in-house with a company. I still have a pretty great salary, and lots of stability and actual work/life balance. He did okay in med school, but it was complicated by those 3 kids in 18 months (all special surprises…the twins doubly so). Med school was marked by chaos and babies and COVID and it was just a mess. He graduated, but long story short, he left his training about a year and a half ago because neither of us were coping at home and he was at risk of flaming out anyway. He has been home ever since.
My husband is an over-functioner, great at getting tasks done, errands run, cleaning the house (or at least tidying – he hates clutter), but not built for stay-at-home dad life. Half a day of just him and the kids and he needs a day off. If he has to be alone with the kids, he will find ANYONE to help him…mom, dad, sister, random neighbor who is good with kids (mostly joking for effect…he is extremely protective). For the past year, we have paid for basically full time childcare so he could “get his career back on track” and I have worked to support us. I was WFH for a while, but moved back into the office about a month ago hoping it would be a boost to my husband to want to get out too (he also thought this way and was supportive of my going back).
He has no real plan, as far as I can tell, and tells me I need to do more around the house, with the kids, administrating from afar, so he can figure out his next moves. He has said this for over a year now. He feels like if he is the backup childcare plan (which someone has to be) then he will never feel like he can really focus on his own stuff. We haven’t had the best luck with childcare – not horrible, just not ideal either, but he doesn’t seem to take advantage of the help we do have. He runs a lot of errands… he moves piles around the house… he mows the yard? But mostly, he just seems to get angry or sad about his situation and spiral down into hopelessness and then needs me to pull him out. And to his credit, he is facing a seemingly impossible task of getting back into medicine after leaving the field in the middle of training. He basically has to start training over and there is no playbook on exactly how to do that. He feels like a failure and is terrified of failing again. But he won’t do anything about it. I don’t even care that he goes back to medicine. I just want him to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
He doesn’t bum around the house all day. He’s not the type. He is extremely Type-A, high strung, always moving (thank you ADHD). He is GOOD at working. He NEEDS a job. And frankly is driving everyone crazy because he SHOULDN’T be at home. But he is struggling. And I am pulling my hair out because I am working full time just so I can pay a nanny to care for our 3 kids, so he can….I’m not sure exactly? But question him, or ask the plan, or make suggestions, and I am not helping, I am not supporting. I don’t know what to do. But I KNOW that my salary allows for this to go on like this. I wanted to be the parent that stayed home with the kids - I still do, but also love the financial stability my salary provides. I expect to pay for childcare so that we can both work. But I would love a little help? Or not to be paying for it if he plans not to go back to work? I don’t know what to do.
TLDR: My husband has been out of work for a year and half with little to no plan to get back into it. We pay for full time childcare so he can get back to work, but he doesn’t do anything career productive with the time. He creates busy work for himself and then complains he doesn’t have time for anything because he is taking care of the kids. I feel pretty hopeless.
My husband is an over-functioner, great at getting tasks done, errands run, cleaning the house (or at least tidying – he hates clutter), but not built for stay-at-home dad life. Half a day of just him and the kids and he needs a day off. If he has to be alone with the kids, he will find ANYONE to help him…mom, dad, sister, random neighbor who is good with kids (mostly joking for effect…he is extremely protective). For the past year, we have paid for basically full time childcare so he could “get his career back on track” and I have worked to support us. I was WFH for a while, but moved back into the office about a month ago hoping it would be a boost to my husband to want to get out too (he also thought this way and was supportive of my going back).
He has no real plan, as far as I can tell, and tells me I need to do more around the house, with the kids, administrating from afar, so he can figure out his next moves. He has said this for over a year now. He feels like if he is the backup childcare plan (which someone has to be) then he will never feel like he can really focus on his own stuff. We haven’t had the best luck with childcare – not horrible, just not ideal either, but he doesn’t seem to take advantage of the help we do have. He runs a lot of errands… he moves piles around the house… he mows the yard? But mostly, he just seems to get angry or sad about his situation and spiral down into hopelessness and then needs me to pull him out. And to his credit, he is facing a seemingly impossible task of getting back into medicine after leaving the field in the middle of training. He basically has to start training over and there is no playbook on exactly how to do that. He feels like a failure and is terrified of failing again. But he won’t do anything about it. I don’t even care that he goes back to medicine. I just want him to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING.
He doesn’t bum around the house all day. He’s not the type. He is extremely Type-A, high strung, always moving (thank you ADHD). He is GOOD at working. He NEEDS a job. And frankly is driving everyone crazy because he SHOULDN’T be at home. But he is struggling. And I am pulling my hair out because I am working full time just so I can pay a nanny to care for our 3 kids, so he can….I’m not sure exactly? But question him, or ask the plan, or make suggestions, and I am not helping, I am not supporting. I don’t know what to do. But I KNOW that my salary allows for this to go on like this. I wanted to be the parent that stayed home with the kids - I still do, but also love the financial stability my salary provides. I expect to pay for childcare so that we can both work. But I would love a little help? Or not to be paying for it if he plans not to go back to work? I don’t know what to do.
TLDR: My husband has been out of work for a year and half with little to no plan to get back into it. We pay for full time childcare so he can get back to work, but he doesn’t do anything career productive with the time. He creates busy work for himself and then complains he doesn’t have time for anything because he is taking care of the kids. I feel pretty hopeless.
. This sounds like anxiety / depression to me, too, which with a combination of 3 littles, pausing medical training, pandemic, ADHD, etc. is totally understandable. If he’s smart enough and disciplined enough to graduate medical school, he’s capable of getting his career back on track. Something must be blocking his progress, and I’m going to guess it’s mental health as well. Push him to find a therapist. The current path is unsustainable for both of you.