My 10yr old text me saying her stepmom called her a ‘B word’ but said the ‘real word’.
I guess it came after my dd and her little sister (dad&sm’s kid 5) were arguing and the little sister went to sm to tattle on dd. Dd was in her room and heard sm say “don’t play with dd, she’s being a bi**h.’
Dd has already not been wanting to go to her dads, this surely isn’t going to help the cause. Ughhh
Do I say something to dad? I want to but we do not have a good co parenting relationship, he’s very minimally involved.
@3dee4u Oh no!! I would definitely have an issue with that and address that with the dad. Good relationship or not, you don’t call a child derogatory names! He shouldn’t be ok with his wife calling his daughter that either. And also what mother even says that to her child especially a 5 year old. I know some parents cuss in front of their kids but yeah.
Edit: also I would like to add that I feel like this may eventually leave to the 5 year old using derogatory words towards your daughter too.
@3dee4u Devils advocate here: SM did not call her the B-word, she referenced the word when talking to another (younger) child. This tells me the adults in that home use foul language in every day speech. If you bring this up I doubt anyone will care or do anything about it.
Your daughter is 10, have a talk with her about this. I’m sure she hears words like this more then you think but it’s extremely hurtful when they are directed toward her. Spend your time working on those feelings and helping her through it. Don’t wast your time with the other parents.
@em3817 They may not care- and if that’s the case my kid may not be going as often and I will have to be brutally honest with him. Then it’s up to him to fix it.
@jlindgaard There is absolutely zero justification to make it okay. Being a bitch and calling her a bitch- is it really any different in the eyes of a child. No. Stepmom was out of line and we have a loooong history of her being mean to my child for no reason. People make mistakes and I’m not trying to hang it over sms head forever. Ideally I would like something like I got too mad and shouldn’t have said it. I don’t even want an apology but my kid deserves one. She already hates going to her dads because of other issues. I isn’t going to help their relationship or me forcing her to go if this is how she’s treated.
@3dee4u Saying she's being a B...is not the same as calling her a B. SM shouldn't have said it, but it seems her SM is the kind of woman who doesn't give a second thought about using such language in front of her 5 yo.
@smb123 There is absolutely zero justification to make it okay. Being a bitch and calling her a bitch- is it really any different in the eyes of a child. No. Stepmom was out of line and we have a loooong history of her being mean to my child for no reason. People make mistakes and I’m not trying to hang it over sms head forever. Ideally I would like something like I got too mad and shouldn’t have said it. I don’t even want an apology but my kid deserves one. She already hates going to her dads because of other issues. I isn’t going to help their relationship or me forcing her to go if this is how she’s treated.
@3dee4u What I was trying to say is that she clearly uses the word rather casually. In the same way she could have said she's being silly, rather than she is silly.
I agree with you that a child wouldn't be able to differentiate, especially when it's not said to them directly with some explanation. It was wrong of her to say it.
If for example, your child misbehaves and you tell them their behaviour in doing xyz is unkind. That's very different to saying they're unkind.
@smb123 Honestly I am shocked sm said it to begin with and to her younger kid- there hasn’t been any issues of that kind of name calling. But there’s been plenty of other things that I can see happening like jerk or mean or bratty- all of which my kid can totally be! Dd even said sm was very mad when she said it. So I don’t doubt it was a lapse in judgment. We’re all humans.
I do know what you meant and I struggled with my thoughts on it first. My response to my kid was I don’t think sm would say that or maybe you heard wrong. Kid was adamant she said it. But it boils down to that’s just not appropriate period. I think I was fired up bc of all the other issues with sm I’m like ‘ok so now we resort to calling my child names! She doesn’t have to go there then!’
I do think I’m going to take another posters advise and text both sm and dad. I do want them to know accidents happen but it’s not acceptable to call our child names.
Thank you for your time commenting!
Edit: I’m waiting till kiddo is home to say something. I don’t want her to be punished more for telling me after it happened.
@3dee4u You could bring it up to step mom directly, I would, at least send a text. You’re all raising this child together unfortunately. You could send a group text to both step mom and dad saying something like “daughter has brought up a really concerning issue. She is very hurt about hearing sm calling her a b-. I want to remind you both that she is only 10 years old and this type of name calling from someone who is supposed to be a loving figure in her life can cause life long emotional damage. I would appreciate it if we could all try to speak respectfully and use words that will build her confidence, not tear her down. Etc etc”
Editing because I forgot to add that I would wait until daughter is with you. Some adults are horrible and will take out their anger about “tattle telling” and might take her phone away or punish her for telling you.
