Single parents.. mainly mothers! Answer me this... is my girlfriend (26) independent?

[grammyjean]

I honestly can’t believe I even have to ask this lol

But here’s the situation...

My girlfriend (26) has a child (2) and lives at home with her parents. She feels the need to tell me that she is an independent woman that doesn’t need a man and we argue because I respond back with if your so independent and don’t need a man then why don’t you move out of the mans (her father) house you live in. She shoots back with because it’s a blessing that I have a father that will support me to allow me to live in his house still. And I say okay so your father supports you that mean you depend on him for a place to stay, you not independent in this aspect, but I believe you can do it on your own. Then she fires back with no I can’t I’m both parents I can’t do it all on my own. And it seems to go around in circles as such.

But she tells me I should get a better job or another job n move her n her child into a 2 bedroom place. And I respond back with why do I need to do that, that’s just shifting your dependence from your father to me, you can do these things you can do more or better so that you can support yourself. And then she freaks out saying stuff like the man is supposed to support me and my child. So then I respond with okay so if a man is supposed to do that for you how can you claim to be independent? And then again round in circles we go.

Now additional info..

She works part time.

She doesn’t not receive child support or govt assistances.

As far to my knowledge, she only pays for her car note, cell phone bill, gas for her car, and day care and needs (food, diapers, etc) for her child and maybe a few small extra stuff that you wouldn’t need to survive.

She can’t really cook anything that involves a certain skill set, like she can microwave things and make simple pasta on the stove but idk if like she could cook like a meatloaf without help or something like that.

Her dad cooks most of the meals.

She does as much as she can for her child and I respect that.

When she falls short her parents will help her or I may give her some money to help her make it to her next pay check or buy her child diapers and stuff of that nature.

Her dad pays the rent and possibly all the other utilities idk if her mom help but it’s certainly possible.

I work full time.

I pay my rent, utilities, cable, cellphone, gas for my car, food in my apartment, and some small extra bills like online play for my PS4 or Netflix type things.

I live alone in a 1 bedroom.

This for some reason is causing us issues. I tell her she can do these things n she gets mad n says she can’t n that I shouldn’t tell her what she can n cannot do.

I’ve run out of options that don’t lead us to arguing and I’ve decided that me and her need some space and that we should take a break.

Do you think she independent? Am I doing anything wrong here by thinking she can do things that will make her life easier? How should I handle this issue in our relationship? Can anyone offer me unbiased criticism or constructive criticism? Should I talk to her parents to maybe help get through to her?

 

[rbcooprs01]

@grammyjean You’re arguing over semantics. Why does it matter to you if she calls herself independent? For whatever reason it’s important for her to see herself that way, and while she may not be completely independent of any assistance whatsoever, she’s using the resources she has to give her child the best chance she can. That’s commendable.

So what is it that’s bothering you? Are you afraid she’ll also “depend” on you the way she depends on her father? Hate to tell you this, but relationships often are about interdependence. People often cohabitate because it makes the expense of living easier to manage. People help meet each other’s needs, and that is a healthy thing.

I suspect you think she’ll be getting more out of the deal than you will. That’s what you need to address. Come up with some kind of agreement about what she will be responsible for, and what you will be responsible for. And as long as that feels equitable to you, who give a flying monkey what she likes to call herself?

 

[grammyjean]

@rbcooprs01 It’s not really a prolly what she thinks of herself ... it’s more like when she throws it in my face after telling me that I need to do this n that so that I can support her n her child but then says she independent and doesn’t need me? So I get confused cuz I’m like if I need to do this for you how can u say u don’t need me like can’t u do it yourself then when I do something it’s a major plus?

But yeah your right I definitely feel as if I’d be getting the short side of the stick while she get all the royalties

 

[laboringbro]

@grammyjean I think it’s something you should drop but something you need to remember. She is clear in her expectations you will support her. If you’re ok with this, then drop the argument. If you’re not ok with this, move on from the relationship. Regardless of what she calls herself she expects you to provide for her.

I have been a single mom for 9 1/2 years and have lived on/off with my parents depending on financial situation and school. Therefore I have a little sympathy for her when it comes to living with her parents but not in asking you to pay her way. I currently own my own house and pay my own bills (never asked or received child support—father is not in our lives). I now consider myself independent.

 

[grammyjean]

@laboringbro Yes that’s how I feel! Like she’s asking me to pay her way

I personally don’t think that is independent

 

[thunderinglegion1]

@grammyjean "As far to my knowledge, she only pays for her car note, cell phone bill, gas for her car, and day care and needs (food, diapers, etc) for her child and maybe a few small extra stuff that you wouldn’t need to survive."

That sounds to be about $2000. It was for me anyway, for my diaper aged kid.

She's obviously not independent, and I'm not sure what she means by saying she is. Maybe that she isn't receiving any help from the dad?

Telling her to just move out and support herself without help from her family would easily increase her bills by another $1000, possibly more depending on what rents run in your area. Could you suddenly afford to start paying $1000 more just because someone told you to? And would you even take them seriously if they told you increasing your bills like that would make your life easier?

If you don't like being in a relationship with someone who isn't supporting themselves, that's valid. It isn't for everyone. But it's a little unreasonable to expect her to suddenly change things.

If you want to continue with her, talk to her about her financial and relationship goals and find out what you both need to do to make it work together.

 

[grammyjean]

@thunderinglegion1 Ehh it’s not that I’m telling her to do it im saying it cuz she’ll throw in my face that she “independent” and doesn’t need a man so it’s just my response I’m basically trying to get her to see her situation for what it is so that she can truly appreciate what I’m willing to do for her instead of her making out to I’m obligated to do these things (atleast that’s how I feel)

 

[thunderinglegion1]

@grammyjean Well, she doesn't need you. And unless she's a complete moron, and I'm sure she isn't, she doesn't need you to explain her situation to her.

A partner being this invested in making me feel dependent on him and wanting this level of "appreciation" would be a huge red flag for me. At the very last, and regardless of who is behaving poorly here, you are not describing a healthy relationship dynamic. You both might be happier if you split.

Edited because auto correct is my special helper

 

[humbleservant46]

@thunderinglegion1 jsyk your comment made me look into how to give reddit gold for the first time. I'm not spending real money on internet points, so I didn't look into it very long, but I looked.

This is spot on and well said.

 

[thunderinglegion1]

@humbleservant46 Aww I've never been almost gifted with gold before. Acheivement unlocked!

 

[grammyjean]

@thunderinglegion1 I’m not trying to have her depend on me lol I’m trying to get her to stand on her own 2 feet so she can truly appreciate the fact I choose to do things that help her even though she doesn’t need my assistance

It’s like when a person falls, yeah they can get up on their own but when someone else offers a hand to help them up type thing

 

[thunderinglegion1]

@grammyjean Don't be in a relationship with someone if you want them to change for you. Don't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't appreciate you. Stop trying to "fix" it. She's happy doing what she's doing. If you don't like it, then the relationship is a bad fit.

 

[grammyjean]

@thunderinglegion1 I’m not trying to change her.. seems like she’s trying to change me by telling me I need to do more

I’m simply stating to her that shouldn’t be so dependent on me or anyone else

Like okay example she got pissed at me once cuz her daughter needed milk n she asked me to get it but I had put money up to save n in order not to touch I told my self I’m broke so i internalized that so I wouldn’t touch it n then expressed it outwardly. Now she asked me to get the milk n I asked her for her card to go get the milk n she got pissed at me cuz she had to pay for it n well uhh she could afford it n didn’t end up struggling the rest of the week so why should she b pissed at me cuz I didn’t pay for it this 1 time n she had to but then tell me she’s independent and throw it in my face?

 

[thunderinglegion1]

@grammyjean You are trying to change her though. You want her to start treating you differently. You don't feel respected or appreciated. You are having arguments and getting upset over the cost of a gallon of milk.

I mean you definitely don't need to follow my advice if you don't think it's good. But literally everything you've said about your relationship with her sounds like you two are a bad fit.

 

[grammyjean]

@thunderinglegion1 Hmmmm ig you could look at it that way but I’d respond if I’m technically trying to change her I’m atleast trying to change her for the betterment of herself n not for my gain

But when is trying to get me to change it seems like she’s trying to get me to improve for her gain not mine or our gain

 

[thunderinglegion1]

@grammyjean Trying to change her is trying to change her. It's different from encouraging someone as they work to meet their own goals.

So, she is trying to make you support her. You are trying to make her be more self sufficient when she doesn't want to be. Neither of those things are behaviors that would exist in a good fit.

 

[grammyjean]

@thunderinglegion1 Well I personally feel as if I am encouraging her based on what she has told me her goals are but it seems like she is working against herself

I tell her she can in a sense of like I believe if she wanted to make something happen to improve her situation that she can do it

But she shoots back with I can’t n don’t tell me what I can and can’t do

I’m not telling her to do something or not do something I’m stating that if she wanted to she would succeed at it

 

[tsgaines]

@grammyjean Reread this last part... only for her gain.

Op, I think what you’ve written makes sense. It sounds like she periodically asks you or needs you to do things for her that you feel she should be able to do herself. If you don’t do it she gets pissy and defensive. If you explain that she should be able to do it herself (asking her to be accountable) then she throws the “I don’t need you (a man) anyway” thing in your face. I can see how that can make someone feel unappreciated and can lead someone to bring up the point “if you’re so independent, why can’t you get your own milk (for example).”

Personally, and as a single mom who really did build a whole life for herself and her child from scratch in spite of someone trying to constantly sabotage and lots of other barriers.. I am biased. But no, she’s by no means independent. How are you a single parent and just work part time but not bc you’re in school or something. Working Part time to just work part time. No.

Just because resources are available doesn’t mean you use them or take advantage of them just because they are there.

You want her to be better than she feels like she needs to be or wants to be... red flag. She’s gonna expect you to take care of her like a child- like her dad does, if things progress. I’d cut your losses and find someone who is more on your level maturity and accountability-wise.

 

[grammyjean]

@tsgaines Oh god so u don’t think I’m a dick or crazy or an asshole for what I’m saying

I feel like she gaslighting me in a way to question my self and opinions

 

[vmh]

@grammyjean Sounds like she's trying to see if you want to be a family with them. If you were at a point where you could see her daughter as your own.