@gypsysoule Do you get the impression that you would spend a lot of time together if you lived close? Some families don't.
Seeking advice from people who “moved home” to be close to family
- Thread starter gypsysoule
- Start date
dochoajr92
New member
@gypsysoule Wow, I feel like I could have writte this. My husband and I moved to SoCal 7 years ago from the East Coast. We never thought we would stay this long, but now we have a nice house and an 8 month old. We also both love our jobs here. I completely understand the challenges with traveling - esp with a baby - and only see our parents a few times a year now. I imagine it will get much harder for them to travel as they age, which makes me so sad. All my daughters cousins are also back East, and I constantly wonder if staying here is the right decision for us long-term.
gypsysoule
New member
@dochoajr92 Can we be friends? 
dochoajr92
New member
@gypsysoule Yes! I am definitely in need of some mom friends haha
@gypsysoule I moved back to the southeast for family support and have very mixed feelings. I had a lot of support for the first year and for that I’m very grateful. However, We are already looking at where we need to relocate bc we don’t want our daughter growing up in a state that restricts her bodily autonomy. The southeast is also very well known for having the worst education standards.
Just my 2 cents, you are already through the hardest and most lonely part. At 18 months you can really start enjoying all kinds of free and paid activities like library toddler time, music classes, soccer, gymnastics, etc. Those will get you out of the house and meeting similar parents.
Just my 2 cents, you are already through the hardest and most lonely part. At 18 months you can really start enjoying all kinds of free and paid activities like library toddler time, music classes, soccer, gymnastics, etc. Those will get you out of the house and meeting similar parents.
gypsysoule
New member
4myrecovery
New member
@gypsysoule I don't have much advice as far as living away from family as we moved to be near my husband's family when our daughter was 1. It's been great having so much support BUT we live in Missouri which isn't exactly a super cool part of the country. If we had the means to, we would live on the West Coast too, even though we would have ZERO family support there.
All that to say, as your child gets older and starts going to preschool/grade school, it will be easier to make friends and build a community. We've met so many more people here in the last few years (other than family and my husband's high school friends) once our daughter started going to our neighborhood preschool.
All that to say, as your child gets older and starts going to preschool/grade school, it will be easier to make friends and build a community. We've met so many more people here in the last few years (other than family and my husband's high school friends) once our daughter started going to our neighborhood preschool.
@gypsysoule One thing that you didn't mention but that I would consider. How old are your parents and what will long-term care for them look like?
Are either of you going to be expected to be the primary caregiver for your elderly parents? Would you be able to do that from across the coast? During COVID, a coworker of mine worked remotely from the opposite coast as she looked after her father in a nursing home. She is also an only child.
Are your primary friends your family or do you have a core group of friends that live in your previous home?
I would imagine after 6 years, you have definitely tried to make friends. What do you think some of the barriers are that are getting in the way? Some of it probably is COVID but are there cultural differences as well?
Are either of you going to be expected to be the primary caregiver for your elderly parents? Would you be able to do that from across the coast? During COVID, a coworker of mine worked remotely from the opposite coast as she looked after her father in a nursing home. She is also an only child.
Are your primary friends your family or do you have a core group of friends that live in your previous home?
I would imagine after 6 years, you have definitely tried to make friends. What do you think some of the barriers are that are getting in the way? Some of it probably is COVID but are there cultural differences as well?
@gypsysoule One thing I haven't seen mentioned yet - has your partner been evaluated for their depression, postpartum or otherwise? Postpartum depression can crop up months after the birth of the baby, and can be in the birthing or non birthing parent. Postpartum Support International has some great resources, support groups (including an LGBTQIA+ support group - I saw in one of your comments that you are a queer family), and an LGBTQIA+ Coordinator who I imagine could put you in touch with additional resources.
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/#queer-trans-closed
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/queer-parents/
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/#queer-trans-closed
https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/queer-parents/
themikedude
New member
@gypsysoule Ive lived in orange county my whole life. I moved to menifee (inland) which was over 70 miles away from all family. It wasnt too bad when it was just my husband and i, and i actually LOVED the change, its everything ive ever wanted, i had 1/2 a acre, 20 chickens, 14 pomegranate trees, my 2 malinois. Soooo happy. As soon as i got pregnant, i wasnt happy anymore. I was super sick so my husband picked up hours to make up for me not working, i was alone all day except for the 2 hours i saw my husband a day and the one day a week (more like once a month) we’d come to OC to visit family. When mu daughter was born, i became even more lonely, she hated drives longer than 20 minutes, it was hard in general, no one would come to visit us. It eventually made me pretty depressed. Not like PPD just being super alone. I even made mom friends but its not the same as it is with family. When my daughter was 13 months i got SICK of it and we moved in with my mom within a week of deciding to move. My husband is home more, my neighbors are caring for my chickens, and we rented out our house. I planned on this being just for the summer but ive been soooo happy watching my daughter be with her family, we see both sides atleast 3 times a week. She gets to play with her cousins, we get invited out aaallll the time, we eat dinner with my in laws a few times a week. Im thinking about staying here longer, idk how much longer but ive been really happy, even tho my mom and i dont get along super well lol
mujahid7eng
New member
@gypsysoule Like others have said, this is entirely dependent on your family. If you and your families have any issues managing conflict or they don't respect boundaries, it's likely not to be worth it. I know of multiple people who moved to be close to family only to have these underlying issues come to light and now they're no or low contact.
My husband and I moved away from our very full lives in NYC back to Florida (a state neither of us likes) to be near our families. I do not regret it one bit. Our baby is 4 months old and the transition to being parents has been so easy for us almost entirely because of all of the family support. The cost of living is so much lower, we have more room and my parents are available to help pretty much whenever we need. My parents are great with respecting our boundaries, we're all strong communicators and they're very eager to help. I'm so grateful that my son will grow up having such close relationships with grandparents and aunts and uncles. That said, we both work from home and we don't have much of a social life at all. I don't really need that right now, but it is hard on my husband.
My husband and I moved away from our very full lives in NYC back to Florida (a state neither of us likes) to be near our families. I do not regret it one bit. Our baby is 4 months old and the transition to being parents has been so easy for us almost entirely because of all of the family support. The cost of living is so much lower, we have more room and my parents are available to help pretty much whenever we need. My parents are great with respecting our boundaries, we're all strong communicators and they're very eager to help. I'm so grateful that my son will grow up having such close relationships with grandparents and aunts and uncles. That said, we both work from home and we don't have much of a social life at all. I don't really need that right now, but it is hard on my husband.
katrina2017
New member
@gypsysoule Most of our family lives about 30 minutes away. We’ve been very lucky to have a lot of help and support from them. We also have supportive friends who don’t necessarily help out but having them visit keeps us sane. If I were still living out of state doing this I think I’d lose my mind, but we’re lucky to have people who step up and want to help and be around.
@gypsysoule We moved from the east coast to west coast before we even thought we would have children. We were so happy and thought we would stay forever. 5 years into living there, we had our son and we still had a great life there, but the older he got the more we felt the pull to be close to family. We felt he and they were all missing out on having relationships with each other. He was growing up so fast and they barely knew him. We moved home when he was 2.5 and for us it was a great decision. He loves all his cousins, aunts and uncles, and it’s so beautiful to see them together. My parents are a huge help, taking him during school breaks and even if he’s home sick and we need to work. He’s almost 7 now and we have no regrets. But only you will know if it’s right for you! Good luck!
@gypsysoule We moved back to where my husband is from and I really wish we hadn't been in the position to need to. New England is ridiculously expensive COL vs where we live now. Honestly, fam wasn't particularly helpful anyway - they loved my oldest until they came out, they didn't know how to deal with my youngest who is a bit more severe on the spectrum and all of them think I'm a freaky weirdo so yeah. I really miss living not here but I don't think I'm going to get to leave it either. I should note, my husband doesn't feel the same - he's thrilled to be so close to his parents and I didn't mind it as much when my dad moved to be closer to us but he passed only 4 years later so I don't have that anymore.
@gypsysoule This is going to really depend on your family.
I stayed close to my family and I wish I didn't. They haven't been very helpful. They might try, but our needs/standards are different from what they live in their day to day lives. It causes a lot of conflict, and in some ways is more isolating because it's a constant boundary setting exercise on repeat.
There were two major times in my life, before kids, that I could have moved away and I didn't. Both times were because I thought I needed to be close to my family. Both times, within a couple years maximum, something had happened that I wasn't even talking to the people I felt I need to be around for anymore.
The compromises we made to be here stare me in the face everyday when I look at the home we live in and how it's not what we would have picked otherwise.
Given you haven't lived near them for a while, I'd be inclined to say don't risk it. It's very easy to build resentment over little things if they don't live up to what you imagine they will.
I stayed close to my family and I wish I didn't. They haven't been very helpful. They might try, but our needs/standards are different from what they live in their day to day lives. It causes a lot of conflict, and in some ways is more isolating because it's a constant boundary setting exercise on repeat.
There were two major times in my life, before kids, that I could have moved away and I didn't. Both times were because I thought I needed to be close to my family. Both times, within a couple years maximum, something had happened that I wasn't even talking to the people I felt I need to be around for anymore.
The compromises we made to be here stare me in the face everyday when I look at the home we live in and how it's not what we would have picked otherwise.
Given you haven't lived near them for a while, I'd be inclined to say don't risk it. It's very easy to build resentment over little things if they don't live up to what you imagine they will.
gypsysoule
New member
Wow thank you everyone for sharing with me! It was so interesting reading all the different opinions and experiences. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone in these feelings.
aldrichenko
New member
@gypsysoule well- i can say from opposite perspective (family moving away) and its a bummer. my fiance and i want to start a family but most of his siblings and their families have moved away and in all different states. which means when we have kids they wont really spend time with their aunts, uncles and cousins. we are blessed to have a relatively healthy family so moving close together would be better not worse.
living4hisglory
New member
@gypsysoule I could have written this, just different locations. We just moved to SoCal from Australia, where we moved 6y ago. We loved it in Aus, but we didn’t get as frequent visits from my east coast family as I imagined. One of my brothers who I really thought would visit actually never did. For us, 3-4 visits a year is great, and we’ll go back to the east coast probably 2-3x ourselves. We’re only a few months in but I’d say it’s been hard, and worth it, all at once. Hard bc we had to uproot and move our whole lives, and I underestimated how much we’d miss australia, and our social network (specifically mine, as mg husband wasn’t as connected as I was). But I recently went back east to see family and it was awesome. The weather sucked so much though, and being back in sunny SoCal now, I’m glad we settled here, near enough to visit, but not near enough to have the awful weather and more stressful lifestyle.
We think/hope this was the right decision, but it’s been really hard. So unless you’re planning to move to like the next town over, within a 30 minute drive or so, I’d say stay where you are and just take those several times a year visits.
We think/hope this was the right decision, but it’s been really hard. So unless you’re planning to move to like the next town over, within a 30 minute drive or so, I’d say stay where you are and just take those several times a year visits.
caspianrex
New member
@gypsysoule We were in your exact situation. Moved from home to a big city for 8 years. Had a baby, then covid hit. We had a couple of friends but nothing like back home. I missed my family so we moved back home. It was the best decision for us. I wanted a second kid but couldn't fathom doing it away from family. One was hard enough. So we sacrificed the place we loved for the people we love. My kiddos literally live right next to their cousins (my brother), and a block down from their grandparents. If I need a break just send them to a house. Big meeting for work, send them to a house. We spend weekends on the cul de sac with all the kids running around hanging out and living life. I can't create that anywhere else in the world but in this little pocket of the world. So for us it was 100% worth it. It makes me sad sometimes because I do miss the big city. But we can always visit.
anthonymichaelpraisesgod
New member
@gypsysoule I was in your spot a little over two years ago. We were Southerners who moved to the Bay Area in 2016 for my husband's job. Two years later we had our son. We were out there with no family at all and very few close friends. That first year was beyond difficult without the "village".
Covid hit when he was one. Which meant the once a year visits were on hold.
After a year and a half of Covid restrictions and travel being so limited we had had enough.
While our families have been less than helpful and not as involved as I would have expected after hearing for 18 months how they wish they could "be there to help"; we have found a supportive and loving community with close long time friends.
We are all aunties and uncles to the kids that normally wouldn't have that type of relationship. Our kids are growing up together and without us moving back home we would have all missed out on such amazing, heart-expanding moments with our chosen family.
I don't regret the time we spent out West but boy did it feel great being home.
Covid hit when he was one. Which meant the once a year visits were on hold.
After a year and a half of Covid restrictions and travel being so limited we had had enough.
While our families have been less than helpful and not as involved as I would have expected after hearing for 18 months how they wish they could "be there to help"; we have found a supportive and loving community with close long time friends.
We are all aunties and uncles to the kids that normally wouldn't have that type of relationship. Our kids are growing up together and without us moving back home we would have all missed out on such amazing, heart-expanding moments with our chosen family.
I don't regret the time we spent out West but boy did it feel great being home.