Sad that my husband only wants one

[dan2082]

I hope this is ok to post here. Delete if not.

My baby is 12 months and my husband just told me he’s firm on OAD. I’m not, I want 2. I was an only child growing up and I yearned for a sibling. (Sure there were definitely pros but I so badly wanted a sibling as a child, now it’s fine but back then I hated it).

And I find being a mother is my calling and so fulfilling. Ideally I’d have like 3 kids but it sounds like I’ll be lucky if I can have 2.

Just wondering how other people deal with this in a marriage and not gain resentment towards spouse who wants OAD. Also did they ever change their mind? Is that even likely?

 

[jennifer112060]

@dan2082 What are your husband’s feelings and reasons for wanting only one child? I would start there. Being a mother to one child doesn’t make you any less of a mom so it doesn’t take away from your calling.

 

[dan2082]

@jennifer112060 That’s a good point I just feel like getting to do the baby stage only once is just sad for me (no judgment) Or being done with certain phases of motherhood quickly is sad. And not being able to double my love. But his reasons are “I love my life now” and “I don’t want chaos/ misery/my friends with two kids are miserable” (he’s referring to all people who have 2 kids within like 1-2 years of each other who do have it rough with kids close in age). He also feels stretched thin by spreading himself out to work, me, our son, and our dog. So he thinks adding another would be hard and would make him a bad father

 

[jennifer112060]

@dan2082 Your feelings are completely valid!! And it is sad, so don’t feel like you can’t feel that way! His feelings are valid too. He wants to be a good dad and partner to you and your son and doesn’t want to be spread even more thin than he is feeling. That’s why many choose to be one and done. These feelings of his may pass the older your son gets but you may have to accept that this may not pass and can you live with that? If you will be unable to find fulfillment with being a mom to just one kid then you may not be compatible. Obviously you should seek professional help prior to divorce, but sometimes these things do happen. I will say as someone who initially wanted at least 2 kids but now am a OAD, once I realized I was only having one kid and accepted it I embraced it and now see all the positives it has to offer. Certain phases of motherhood quickly end but sometimes that’s a good thing. My son was a terrible sleeper his first 12 months. I was so sleep deprived I had a constant migraine, I was constantly throwing up all the while exclusively breastfeeding. Do I miss his fat rolls now that he’s 2.5 years old, yes but I don’t miss the bad things.

 

[tarzanfell]

@dan2082 As a guy who has been dealing with this same situation for 18 months and it has sucked, my best advice is to reeeaaallly listen to what your husband is telling you.

It sounds obvious, but your desire for number 2 could end up overriding his feelings. PM me if you would like more detail.

 

[tillie]

@tarzanfell Can i ask for more details? Also in a place of disagreement with my partner over all this.

 

[surferguyxd]

@dan2082 He makes good points.

 

[katrina2017]

@dan2082 I had a feeling a dog was part of the reason.. smh. No offense but a dog is a lot of work. But your child deserves a sibling not a dog to grow up with.

 

[peter_p]

@dan2082 There is going to be resentment because now you have to decide whether you’d prefer a family of three and not fill the “where’s the other kid” void or a divorce with the potential for more children with someone else.

Whether or not he’ll change his mind is a wash. I lean towards trusting what people say to me. There is truth that the first year or so can be hard and some people do swear off more children and then change their mind but you only discover that through conversation.

My husband was firm and because I chose to stay with him I went through a period of mourning. I went to therapy and journaled and took time away.

I’d suggest taking time for yourself once you know they’re OAD. Going away on my own for a few days gave me the chance to mourn big without having to mute my pain. It hurt a lot and although I’ve accepted the situation it still sometimes makes me sad.

 

[dan2082]

@peter_p Do you think therapy and stuff has helped you? What was your partners reason for OAD ?

 

[peter_p]

@dan2082 My partner was stressed and didn’t feel like we could comfortably financially support more. He worried that more kids would increase stress (which in turn would make him a grumpier and less positive parent) and he’d rather build a comfortable life for one kid than have more.

Therapy can be helpful. I needed the help examining my biases and fears around parenting (my mom says fun things like “are you even a parent if you only have one kid”) and needed support so I could safely share my fears and sadness. Time and focusing on the joys that are present also help.

 

[photogirl25]

@peter_p My situation is similar. We agreed to have two but had the chance to move to England for 3 years. Income dropped and we took a hit on savings when my daughter was 2, I was a stay at home dad. When we moved back I know she wanted another but I just couldn’t do it. Would have been 7 years age difference by the time we were ready. I didn’t want to be 60 when my kid graduated college (will be 52 now when my daughter graduates), and to be frank with a terrible support system I didn’t want to work an extra 5-10 years to cover the 1 million plus in cost for a 2nd.

One thing I am committed to in a few years is pursuing exchange students for 2 years while my daughter is in high school. I think that will help a ton.

 

[katrina2017]

@peter_p What was your husbands reasoning for only wanting one?

 

[evilbeans]

@dan2082 I can empathize. We adopted due to infertility. We tried to adopt again, but it didn't work out for us. I wanted to keep going, but my husband was done. I was devastated. I wanted a second child almost as much as I wanted our first. I'd always seen myself as a mom to at least two, maybe three.

A lot of people here (especially those who are OAD by choice) will want to list off all the reasons why being OAD is great. That was not helpful to me at first, because I would have traded any one of the "perks" for the joy I knew a second child would bring. It wasn't until recently that I was able to start really savoring the many, many beautiful things about being an only child family.

I had to allow myself to mourn for the child (and maybe children) I wanted, but did not have. I went to therapy to help me work through my grief in a safe and healthy way, and in hopes that it would prevent resentment from eating my marriage alive. While there is nothing wrong with wanting a second child, my husband's reasons for being done were also completely valid.

I also started taking an antidepressant, which really helps. I wasn't just sad, I was angry, and I would lash out at the people who mattered most to me. I'm still afraid of what could happen if I stopped.

The pain I feel will never go away entirely. It still hurts sometimes, especially when I really dwell on it. But as time has gone on, I'm beginning to make peace with it, as much as I ever will.

 

[ayen57]

@evilbeans This is similar to how I feel (different logistics -- didn't adopt -- but same emotions). When people listed the reasons one is so much better (or at least not worse) it just felt hollow. Almost patronizing, as if my hopes and dreams were so silly that little redirection would all it would take to make me "get over it." I felt like saying, I'm intelligent enough that I can do the calculations myself -- yes, clearly there are pros and cons to each, and I clearly know what my choice is.

I think I'm probably in the depths of the mourning period now. My age (46) makes it worse because my body is clearly not the same as it was 5 years ago and I'm very aware of the time passing. Many mornings I wake up around dawn often with "It (baby #2) never happened and now it never will!" being the first thought on my mind. Practice some deep breathing, refocus, think good thoughts, actively remind myself of the happy OAD families I know, of the people who are making it work, I usually feel better -- at least enough to take on the day. Still I look forward to the day when that's not the first thought on my mind.

Unfortunately I found therapy rather useless (this sub is 100x better). I've considered antidepressants too. The last time I took antidepressants was in my early 20s. The first one gave me heart palpitations so they took me off it immediately. The second made me so, so spacy and forgetful, though it helped in other ways. I just don't know if I could do that again. Especially as a parent :/

 

[okieallday]

@dan2082 But your child is not you. They probably won’t have a yearning for a sibling. Let them hang out with friends. Let them play and join them.

And also you said you love being a mother and it’s your calling… aren’t you still a mother even if you have one child? How does having more children make you more of a caring mother? You would think you could dedicate more time and attention and resources to your already existing child.

 

[melanie66]

@okieallday Only child here. I looooved it. Having a room all to myself, having undivided attention and resources from my parents. I could do any activity (music, sports, etc) because there was no problem trying to come up with better logistics of picking up and dropping off multiple siblings and paying for all of them. I could travel and study with their help and they wouldn't be able to afford this if I had siblings. And I had friends, never felt alone. I had the privilege of having friends over if I wanted company or enjoying my time and space alone if so I wished. I could read my books, play and watch my movies uninterrupted. I have one daughter now and I can't imagine giving her less attention and less opportunities than what she deserves. I'm one and done.

 

[katrina2017]

@okieallday Most only children will tell you they yearned for a sibling.

 

[okieallday]

@katrina2017 My experience has been different. You’ve heard of the only child policy right? I know TONS of people who are the result of this policy (including myself), both in China and in the U.S., and in my 32 years alive, I literally have never heard of anyone say they wanted a sibling haha. Maybe we’re all selfish. Maybe it’s because there are so many of us in this “community/culture” that having one is considered normal.

I guess if you grow up in a place where everyone else has siblings, you would feel left out.

 

[katrina2017]

@okieallday True