R.I.P. Old Life
- Thread starter theadmiral
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- stay-at-home parents
katrina2017
New member
@theadmiral My kids are 3 and 6 so I'm not sure if you'd call them older, but they are independent enough that I can function more.
My husband and I have tried our best to make sure we have equal no kid times. So if he has soccer one night, I have a night out knitting with friends. This made things a bit nuts precovid and I don't think we'll go back to that because we had stuff every night of the week and most weekends. Even though it was crazy busy, I definitely felt like it helped a lot in me maintaining a sense of me being me.
Another thing that really helps is vacations. We try to do one big trip a year. For whatever reason these are really important to me and we try to do them with no kids. We did Italy with just the big kid, Barcelona with me and two kids no husband, Denmark with just the baby, BC with no kids and then with the baby, and next we are going to be doing a bunch of European countries with no kids. For me this really helps because they are things I want to do just for me. I want to see all these places and by doing these trips I feel like I am growing as a person and it really regenerates me so I can be better at home. Obviously I realise we are super lucky to be able to afford these things and we are lucky to be able to choose not to do other things in order to afford these trips (we have one old car we almost never use, never buy anything new, almost never eat out, opted for a smaller less expensive house, etc. so those savings more than cover the cost of vacations).
My husband and I have tried our best to make sure we have equal no kid times. So if he has soccer one night, I have a night out knitting with friends. This made things a bit nuts precovid and I don't think we'll go back to that because we had stuff every night of the week and most weekends. Even though it was crazy busy, I definitely felt like it helped a lot in me maintaining a sense of me being me.
Another thing that really helps is vacations. We try to do one big trip a year. For whatever reason these are really important to me and we try to do them with no kids. We did Italy with just the big kid, Barcelona with me and two kids no husband, Denmark with just the baby, BC with no kids and then with the baby, and next we are going to be doing a bunch of European countries with no kids. For me this really helps because they are things I want to do just for me. I want to see all these places and by doing these trips I feel like I am growing as a person and it really regenerates me so I can be better at home. Obviously I realise we are super lucky to be able to afford these things and we are lucky to be able to choose not to do other things in order to afford these trips (we have one old car we almost never use, never buy anything new, almost never eat out, opted for a smaller less expensive house, etc. so those savings more than cover the cost of vacations).
george134679
New member
@theadmiral I find that if I take time to craft/do a hobby in the evening or during nap I feel a lot more like me again.
It’s hard with the pandemic when you can’t go out really. So finding various hobbies has been the best way to feel good.
I just ordered an adult paint by numbers and a makers crate from kiwi co to switch it up. I started to learn the ukulele and felt so good after doing a lesson the other day. I also took up sewing and am very into that.
It’s hard with the pandemic when you can’t go out really. So finding various hobbies has been the best way to feel good.
I just ordered an adult paint by numbers and a makers crate from kiwi co to switch it up. I started to learn the ukulele and felt so good after doing a lesson the other day. I also took up sewing and am very into that.
katrina2017
New member
@george134679 Hobbies definitely were the turning point for me. At the 2 year mark with my first and the 1 year mark with my second (kids are now 3 and 14 months) I started feeling the itch to get back into my hobbies. I'm feeling a lot more like myself. Honing my skills is making a big difference in my self esteem. I finally feel like my brain isn't melting away. I just spent the last week coming up with and making a bunch of activities to use to help with my 3 year old's speech therapy and I feel sharper and more on top of things than I've felt in the last 4 years!
@theadmiral I relate to this so much!! Thank you for putting into words what I feel deeply every day. Hugs to you
barbmarie1982
New member
@theadmiral I have a very difficult 2 year old. I am just a shell of my former self. I feel like a robot.
katrina2017
New member
@theadmiral I'd say you are an excellent parent if you are feeling this way because you are giving your all to your child and you should take pride in that.
Having a child is an absurdly difficult adjustment and once you have a child your "old" life really is gone, the children become the center of the universe and then begins a heavily modified and upgraded, stronger, super you and a new life to love in which you will probably end with being reinvented in many ways you don't expect and you have to just embrace it and enjoy it.
And while my child isn't older and another on the way, I feel like I am going to really miss these times when they get older as to me there's nothing more purposeful and awesome than having a kid, and that is something I never thought in would ever feel before having a child.
Of course you don't have to abandon what you love or who you are and its all about finding and making the time to do things you enjoy while also probably being super exhausted, but let go of the old life and embrace your new and more awesome life which sometimes is hard to realize is more awesome.
Having a child is an absurdly difficult adjustment and once you have a child your "old" life really is gone, the children become the center of the universe and then begins a heavily modified and upgraded, stronger, super you and a new life to love in which you will probably end with being reinvented in many ways you don't expect and you have to just embrace it and enjoy it.
And while my child isn't older and another on the way, I feel like I am going to really miss these times when they get older as to me there's nothing more purposeful and awesome than having a kid, and that is something I never thought in would ever feel before having a child.
Of course you don't have to abandon what you love or who you are and its all about finding and making the time to do things you enjoy while also probably being super exhausted, but let go of the old life and embrace your new and more awesome life which sometimes is hard to realize is more awesome.
@theadmiral Yes. I am a shell of my old self
katrina2017
New member
@theadmiral Im working on baby number two and my son is three. My husband and i just did the “who’s a stay at home parent” swap a year ago. I also feel this way. I get to go buy a coffee by myself sometimes and thats great but i miss being the person i was before. I miss going to work. Dont get me wrong i love teaching my son, i love getting to watch him grow and ive really appreciated being able to get to know him after not being able to for two years because of my ridiculous work schedule but i miss the freedom i had too sometimes
@theadmiral I’m a mom of 5, two of my kids are deaf. My youngest kids I had back to back and gained a ton of weight after. My husbands a big time gamer, my day completely revolves around the kids, and when they finally go to bed, and he gets on his game. I’m left inside myself mourning who I used to be, and I’m tired of it. My therapist recommended a book titled codependent no more. I think it’s time to focus on becoming someone I can recognize in the mirror again.
katrina2017
New member
@theadmiral Some of the best advice I got as a parent was from a person I respect. She said “After the baby arrives, you’re going to be tired and stressed and you’re just going to want things to get back to normal. But things will never be normal again. So you need to work together to make the new normal.”
I found it helpful to frame things this way. I now have three, three and under, and we are constantly adjusting how we define our normal. I got a lot more time do do work on the house and woodworking projects before I had kids, but now I spend my time teaching them how to build with duplos and Knex and Brio trains, and how to draw, and how to care for each other. It’s totally different and occasionally I miss doing the old things, but the new things are good too- I’ve just continued on the path of who I am and adjusted to the new normal.
I found it helpful to frame things this way. I now have three, three and under, and we are constantly adjusting how we define our normal. I got a lot more time do do work on the house and woodworking projects before I had kids, but now I spend my time teaching them how to build with duplos and Knex and Brio trains, and how to draw, and how to care for each other. It’s totally different and occasionally I miss doing the old things, but the new things are good too- I’ve just continued on the path of who I am and adjusted to the new normal.
imafighter
New member
@theadmiral With my first I used to feel this way all the time but I also got pregnant unexpectedly. I even kind of regretted having a baby for a little while, especially after my 1st marriage failed. Now 8yrs later I just had my second, I have an amazing relationship, and this one was very much planned.
I read somewhere on reddit that raising kids is a temporary part of our lives. Every day they get a little bit older and you never truly get that day again. I think now that I'm older, I am more appreciative of this time in my life.
I'm sleep deprived as hell, and I push myself everyday to get all the housework done. I push myself to have dinner on the table every night by 630 and sometimes I manage to make a desert. I push myself to get up at 530am with my 8yo because it's the only one on one time he gets with me since his sister was born, even though I'm freaking exhausted from feeding her all night.
But in the end I know it's all temporary, being a mom is the best thing I've ever done. It's temporary, and one day I'm going to be an empty nester and I'm going to be struggling with missing "my old life."
Having kids is a journey. Everyday is a new milestone, and I know I'm going to miss it when I don't have them to take care of anymore. I always think of that one country song I know "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast!"
I read somewhere on reddit that raising kids is a temporary part of our lives. Every day they get a little bit older and you never truly get that day again. I think now that I'm older, I am more appreciative of this time in my life.
I'm sleep deprived as hell, and I push myself everyday to get all the housework done. I push myself to have dinner on the table every night by 630 and sometimes I manage to make a desert. I push myself to get up at 530am with my 8yo because it's the only one on one time he gets with me since his sister was born, even though I'm freaking exhausted from feeding her all night.
But in the end I know it's all temporary, being a mom is the best thing I've ever done. It's temporary, and one day I'm going to be an empty nester and I'm going to be struggling with missing "my old life."
Having kids is a journey. Everyday is a new milestone, and I know I'm going to miss it when I don't have them to take care of anymore. I always think of that one country song I know "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast!"
@theadmiral I'm in the minority here but I definitely feel like I have my old life back just with added purpose. I've felt that way since baby was about 3 months old.
I definitely mourned loss of my old life in the newborn days because those days (for me) were just horrid in every way. But that passed very quickly. So I just wanted to put this out there, in case anyone who hasn't given birth yet is reading this thread and is freaking themselves out.
I definitely mourned loss of my old life in the newborn days because those days (for me) were just horrid in every way. But that passed very quickly. So I just wanted to put this out there, in case anyone who hasn't given birth yet is reading this thread and is freaking themselves out.
jeremy1988
New member
@theadmiral I've definitely felt that at times, but realize that we are malleable. We are not defined by the life led before. Covid has given lifestyle adjustments a turbo charge, but you will find new things that you enjoy just as much. It's okay to grieve the way you were, but try not to dwell. In the last year, I've picked up 3 new hobbies that I can even occasionally do with the kids around, and even more while they sleep. And they're totally different than the sorts of things I thought I'd ever be into.
When they're young, it's harder because they need so much all the time, but they'll soon be more self sufficient, even if only in short bursts. It's important for them to see you finding things that fulfill you. Set the example, and they will adjust, and respect you for it.
Also, meditation has really helped me stop waiting for some future situation to bring me happiness. You can choose to be content in any moment if you practice a bit. Good luck.
When they're young, it's harder because they need so much all the time, but they'll soon be more self sufficient, even if only in short bursts. It's important for them to see you finding things that fulfill you. Set the example, and they will adjust, and respect you for it.
Also, meditation has really helped me stop waiting for some future situation to bring me happiness. You can choose to be content in any moment if you practice a bit. Good luck.
jvworshiper
New member
@theadmiral You just sort of become a whole new person. I’m nothing like I was before my kid was born, and now they’re 16 years old. I have new hobbies and passions, and I became this new person one moment at a time. Just spend time with yourself, a minute at a time, and one day you will have all the time in the world. Of course, then you’d give anything just to hold that little baby all over again.
thienthatha96
New member
@theadmiral This is so totally normal. I think we all go through this.
As they get older (eldest is 5, youngest is 1) im finding im able to get a little bit more balance into my life - but nobody hands me that time on a silver plate, I need to make the effort to TAKE it.
We get into this pattern of giving, giving, giving - and we need to take for ourselves sometimes so that we can be better, happier versions of ourselves.
As they get older (eldest is 5, youngest is 1) im finding im able to get a little bit more balance into my life - but nobody hands me that time on a silver plate, I need to make the effort to TAKE it.
We get into this pattern of giving, giving, giving - and we need to take for ourselves sometimes so that we can be better, happier versions of ourselves.
icelockheart
New member
@theadmiral For me it's kind of the opposite. I've never felt more clearly that I am fulfilling my purpose and doing exactly what I need to be doing. Some of my hobbies are on hold, until my daughter is old enough to (hopefully) enjoy doing them with me.
My spouse, on the other hand, decided she wanted to get back to work as quickly as possible, put everything else behind her, and just not deal with a lot of the changes in our reality. So that's what (and who) I feel like I've lost.
I don't resent being a SAHD in the slightest.
My spouse, on the other hand, decided she wanted to get back to work as quickly as possible, put everything else behind her, and just not deal with a lot of the changes in our reality. So that's what (and who) I feel like I've lost.
I don't resent being a SAHD in the slightest.
gofthesearching
New member
@theadmiral Incorporate things you love into your day.
Listen to podcasts, audiobooks. Netflix app even has an audio only version to listen to shows.
Do one thing of self care a day such as taking a shower by yourself, go on a walk, do a skin routine, work out for 10 mins etc.
There are also ways to work from home on a flexible schedule if that's what you're interested in. (Ratracerebellion.com is a great place to start.)
If you wanna learn a new skill or about a new topic there are tons of ways to do that for free. ( Google skill shop, Harvard and MIT open courseware to name some)
Remember its your day. You create the schedule that works for you. You are in charge. You kid is just in it with you.
Listen to podcasts, audiobooks. Netflix app even has an audio only version to listen to shows.
Do one thing of self care a day such as taking a shower by yourself, go on a walk, do a skin routine, work out for 10 mins etc.
There are also ways to work from home on a flexible schedule if that's what you're interested in. (Ratracerebellion.com is a great place to start.)
If you wanna learn a new skill or about a new topic there are tons of ways to do that for free. ( Google skill shop, Harvard and MIT open courseware to name some)
Remember its your day. You create the schedule that works for you. You are in charge. You kid is just in it with you.