People who “diagnose” themselves with fertility issues before they even start trying

[s3anreilly]

@pdj I was saying it's confirmation bias. Because even having PCOS does not mean infertility for the majority of people with PCOS. I also had the same valid concerns and ended up with a PCOS diagnosis.. but that's not causing our infertility at all.
Saying I had this feeling and look out turned out true would be confirmation bias. The bumper forums are full with people who thought they might have issues conceiving wether based on actual symptoms or a diagnosis or just a general fear. The people who are still here are still here because it didn't work out.
I am totally for sharing knowledge and personally that's what I do a lot, and that's what I like about still being in TFAB. But then people have to actually listen to it. Look at this while thread it's full of people with confirmation bias. Then there are quite a few people who say I am what OP is venting about, but when I do it is okay because xys. But then don't listen to others that tell them how that is insensitive.
And you also did also not reflect on what your friends told you, what you did was like expressing lot of fear surrounding a mole in a conversation where other people were discussing their cancer treatment. It's just not the place. You should have listened and then taken it to the doctor.
It's also not the responsibility of people with infertility to educate others.

 

[pdj]

@s3anreilly I think this is where we differ. I have had an infertility diagnosis (due to my PCOS symptoms, I’m aware not everyone with PCOS experiences the same symptoms and deals with infertility), and I do feel like it’s my responsibility to bring attention to it and share my experience, as it may help someone else. Infertility shouldn’t be treated like an exclusive club where we only talk to each other about our problems, and complain about everyone else and how they don’t understand. They don’t understand because they quite literally don’t know. I can’t stand when people make insensitive comments, but they really don’t understand unless you make them part of the conversation (most, some are just jerks). You seem to be making a lot of incorrect assumptions about how my conversation with friends went—I’m certainly not defending everyone or making excuses for myself, just giving a perspective that some people have concerning symptoms and maybe we shouldn’t discount everyone who wants to be part of the conversation, but doesn’t yet have a diagnosis.

 

[s3anreilly]

@pdj

To be fair, I assumed I would have fertility issues because of all the problems I had with my period from the time it started. I always knew something was wrong (it was PCOS, undiagnosed for 20 years). I remember mentioning my assumption in a group of friends, of which two were discussing their fertility treatments, and got a verbal slap in the face about how I shouldn’t say that and I was wrong and didn’t understand.

It's pretty clear. You assumed fertility issues, mentioned your assumptions while they were discussing fertility treatments, got a verbal slap in the face. You can't just assume that. Irregular cycles can still be ovulatory. Which you don't know until it's investigated. Concerns is not the same as assumptions and you specifically said assumption.

 

[pdj]

@s3anreilly Well, then I apologize for using the incorrect word in my post, I wasn’t clear. I should have also clarified that I didn’t interject my problems into their experience. I listened, showed empathy, and at an appropriate time, I asked my closer friend some questions more privately and expressed that I had some concerns about similar symptoms. My friend and I had previously had the dynamic where this conversation was appropriate, I learned that us growing apart meant we no longer had that same dynamic—I was in the wrong for not realizing that our relationship had changed.

 

[michael1981]

@manitouscott We're only on cycle 5, but I'm 34 and scared worrying about the worst case scenario makes it seem less likely to happen. It never rains when you actually remember the umbrella for once.

 

[s3anreilly]

@michael1981 You know there are people living here with that "worst case scenario"? It's a bit insensitive. Also you might need to read this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/TryingForABaby/comments/7go7bh/how_to_worry_about_infertility_some_unsolicited

 

[michael1981]

@s3anreilly It's not a contest, I don't see how admitting I'm worried about something takes anything away from someone. My insurance sucks, I wouldn't be able to afford fertility interventions.

 

[s3anreilly]

@michael1981 I never said anything about a contest. It's insensitive to call infertility the worst case scenario, when you actually have no idea how it feels - in a space where other people live in what you call the "worst case scenario"

 

[michael1981]

@s3anreilly You're obviously hurting, I'm not going to argue with you about it. I hope you have a nice day.

 

[gio1873]

@michael1981 It's kind of like saying you're worried about cancer in an audience with cancer patients.

Yes, some worry is normal. But unless you have specific items to be worried about and try to correct all that worry does is weigh on your mind. Baseless worry should not be given validation.

 

[scar777]

@gio1873 This sub is "trying for a baby" not "infertility".

 

[s3anreilly]

@michael1981 I am not and honestly the way you wrote that sounds pretty condescending to me. I am not emotional writing this - and if there is an emotion involved - it's anger about the way you responded. Initially I was just trying to point out that catastrophizing something you have not experienced yet and which is the reality of the people you are talking to (like OP and other people here) is like telling someone with a terminal diagnosis: What you have is my worst case scenario. Fear is not the same as actually going through something. It's not about taking something away from someone, it's just not a nice thing to say.

 

[lightofthegoding]

@manitouscott Maybe because REs tell you something wrong right out the gate with no evidence to back it up? (Coming from a same-sex couple here)

 

[judenshabbot]

@lightofthegoding I think care provider communication can be such a significant factor. The number of offhand "it could have an impact on fertility" comments that get heard as "you probably can't have kids ever" is just wild, and it's on the care giver for not being an effective commentator. Or the speculations of fertility without testing or evidence to back it up, it's just stressful without substantiation. If you are going to make a comment like that, you need to provide context to your patient.

 

[katrina2017]

@manitouscott Lol I was accurate with my diagnosis but, just didn’t ever talk about it

 

[nggondez]

@manitouscott I get how annoying it could be for hypochondriac style people to link their likelihood of infertility to some random condition. But at the same time, infertility anxiety is a real thing.

Ever since I was quite young I’ve just had this sense of foreboding or just that it was inevitable that I was not going to be able to have a baby anyways. I’ve had a couple of test not related to this fear such as the egg count hormonal test, and PCOS test because I have irregular periods. Nothing wrong. I’m perfectly normal and healthy. This feeling of preordination has faded a little over the last few years but it was once very strong; I’d say to my self in my head ‘it doesn’t matter, I can’t have children anyways’.

Infertility anxiety is real but tbh I didn’t know that until finding this sub. And I’ve never actually told anyone about this particular anxiety. As like most anxieties is grounded in nothing logical and we can’t help feeling it.

 

[s3anreilly]

@nggondez Yeah the fear is real in the sense that you feel it. But like you said it's important to know it's not based On reality yet and it's not logical and especially not a premonition. If you actually say these things to yourself these things are called intrusive thoughts and there are good eats with therapy to deal them.
I think the important point is that fear is okay to have - you can't change having it. But complaining about it to people who live in the reality of what the fear is about is where it gets insensitive.

 

[lord_above]

@manitouscott I have always had the feeling I was infertile. I had unprotected and semi-infrequent sex for two years and never fell pregnant. Fast-forward to now and me and my fiancé our on our fourth month trying and I get a negative test every month.