One and done or try for 2nd… Let fate decide? Anyone tried this approach?

T

tiramisu

New member
I’ve been trying to do soul searching, reading blogs, meditating, praying to whoever, everything, over being one and done or trying for a second.

I won’t get into all the details because my story is like so many others. Essentially husband feels complete with our unit of 3, and has more or less left it up to me to decide if we try for a second.

I’m at the point where I flat out don’t know what to do and my gut isn’t guiding me.

Now I’m thinking let’s just put it in the hands of fate, maybe give it a year (we are mid/late 30’s).

Has anyone gone down this path? I just don’t know what to do and it’s consuming a lot of my thoughts!

Edited to add:
Some of my thoughts I jotted down. For biggest reasons not to: money/finances for private schools, activities, trips etc.; splitting time between 2 kids; nursing, sleep training all the hard parts of 0-3age. For biggest reasons to have a 2nd: I am happiest being a mom, I love being a mom and love children, want to share life with my family.

We love our life being able to travel, eat out, private school. I like a clean and tidy house with order. We are finally in a good place with the structure of our family unit. However, I love being a mom and happiest as a mom… so do we try for a 2nd or enjoy our life as it is now? Let fate decide??

UPDATE: 1 year later, I’m pregnant!! About a year after this post, we decided to go for a second. Just took time to decide on it. Very happy!
 
@tiramisu I was having a hard time deciding in similar ways, too. There is no logic to the decision. Ultimately we decided to not try for a second but also not NOT try. So basically the fate thing. This approach was possible because one more kid wasn't going to be a breaking point for us financially or professionally (but the cost was definitely one of my reasons for maybe leaning toward not having 2), and I felt like we would ultimately be happy with either choice.

And ultimately I learned a lot from this by paying attention to how I felt every cycle we didn't conceive. Was I relieved or disappointed? I started leaning disappointed so we went for it more intentionally.
 
@munchiesmomma Thank you for sharing! I’ve been thinking a lot about it since I made this post yesterday and I started leaning towards NOT trying for a second. Then I went to the park and saw an adorable little 1 year old. Good luck to you!
 
@tiramisu Well, this was our reflection: a lot of our fears (rough baby stage, chaos, fatigue, etc.) were short term inconveniences. When I thought of the pros, it was about have a unit of 4 long term, a sibling to play and grow old together, etc. We decided to go forward in a « rip the bandaid » fashion, thinking that it would be a hard first 3-4 years but after it would get better.

We are 8 months in and no regrets at all. Lots of love in the house. Good luck!
 
@jamessayer We should remember to try and update this because I found so many old threads but never got to see an update years later on what happened! Good luck to you!
 
@tiramisu We are currently doing “let fate decide”. Kiddo #1 is 2.5. I’m on the fence and every cycle, my husband and I have a long talk with trepidation about what it could be but then ultimately end up having sex. We’ve been getting the timing right (I think - I am temping) but so far no pregnancy. I feel a little disappointed every time but also a little relieved. I think the line we’ve drawn is that we’ll “try” naturally and see what happens for about a year, but we don’t want to go down the IVF route. I’ll be a little sad if my son never get a sibling, but TBH things have been so high stress lately with a 2.5yo that it’s hard to imagine adding another to the mix on most days.

Unless he does something really cute. Then I go back to wondering… 😆

Good luck!
 
@tiramisu Given you will be a mother forever, I SLIGHTLY lean towards sticking with one. Your husband being complete with the 3 of you, makes me take a much bigger step toward one-and-done. A whole new human being, as you already know, is a huge responsibility, and like sex, unless both parties really, really want it, in my book, it's a 'no'.
 
@tiramisu Yea I'm with you but decided to try for a second. Definitely not feeling the urge I did with the first, but I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it if we don't try or at least not prevent. I'm lucky to be a SAHM and I nanny for my best friend's baby twice a week so I got a glimpse of two. I cannot even describe how much my son (2) adores the baby (5 months). In my opinion it isn't twice the work because I'm already spending all of my day taking care of my kid. I was a teacher and it's a little like adding a kid to your class. Obviously there are considerations and logistics, but you were already in mom mode (or teaching a class for my analogy). I'm just really dreading the sleep deprivation now that I know how hard it was, but I'm hoping I'll be one of those people who says it wasn't as bad the second time.
 
@tiramisu My question for you: how long did it take you to get pregnant with the first? I am in a similar boat as you (except deciding between stopping at 2 or having another to make it 3) but I am fortune in that I get pregnant easily and quickly. So the "let it up to fate" is sort of a "it's happening." If it took 12 months of hardcore trying, then I would say, yea just pull the goalie and let fate decide, and have a metaphorical or literal vasectomy appointment planned for a year from now. If you got pregnant by accident having been very careful and you are just a Fertile Myrtle, then I would either shorten your fate window or at least be more sure before you leave it up to fate.

ETA: something else to consider is what do you want for your child and their future? (This is coming from an only child!) Do you imagine you and your child being BFF forever (gender should also be considered in this...) or do you imagine your child having a sibling relationship. Being an only child was very special for me. I am very, very close with both of my parents. If I had a girl first, I may have been tempted to stop because my experience was so special. But I had a boy first, and so it was relatively easy to keep going, but I also didn't have first had experience of what a sibling relationship was like, especially in childhood. And wow, it is magical.
 
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