@tims64 I don't have experience in your shoes since I'm OAD for other reasons. But I came here to mention an amazing podcast that revolves around the topic of being OAD both by choice and not by choice. It's really helped me feel more secure in my decision and I highly recommend it to anyone in our community. It's called 'OnlyYou a one and done podcast'.
One and done not by choice?
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@tims64 Hi friend.
My husband and I are OAD. We originally planned to have two. We have a lot of reasons to be OAD. One reason is that we can afford a much better life for our daughter if we only had her. She would get to travel internationally with us, have help with college tuition (if that's the direction she chooses), have more wants, etc. Pregnancy was relatively uncomplicated however, I did develop pre-eclampsia right at the end and it was very hard on my husband to feel so powerless. Newborn stage was also VERY hard. I have chronic fatigue and I'm not sure I could do it again, even though in my heart, I always pictured a larger family. But probably the most significant reason why we are OAD (at least for me) is because when I got pregnant, we did the NIPT and surprisingly found out that I am a fragile X carrier. With additional testing, it was determined that the risk of mutation was low (especially because I was pregnant with a girl [and she is, in fact, perfectly healthy]), however, if I were to get pregnant with a boy, he could be mildly to moderately to severely impacted by it. My cousin has a son not much younger than my daughter and I am pretty sure he has fragile X. He will be 3 this year and is just starting to walk. There is no telling how many more delays he has or will have or if he will ever be able to do everything a child/adult can do. So a second is definitely out for us. It was a hard thing to accept, especially since my brother had a second (our girls are within 6.5 month of each other). I got the baby fever, but I just knew I couldn't take the chance (as well as all the other reasons we had to just have one).
So I feel you. It's a hard thing to reconcile. It sounds like you are doing the right thing for your family.
My husband and I are OAD. We originally planned to have two. We have a lot of reasons to be OAD. One reason is that we can afford a much better life for our daughter if we only had her. She would get to travel internationally with us, have help with college tuition (if that's the direction she chooses), have more wants, etc. Pregnancy was relatively uncomplicated however, I did develop pre-eclampsia right at the end and it was very hard on my husband to feel so powerless. Newborn stage was also VERY hard. I have chronic fatigue and I'm not sure I could do it again, even though in my heart, I always pictured a larger family. But probably the most significant reason why we are OAD (at least for me) is because when I got pregnant, we did the NIPT and surprisingly found out that I am a fragile X carrier. With additional testing, it was determined that the risk of mutation was low (especially because I was pregnant with a girl [and she is, in fact, perfectly healthy]), however, if I were to get pregnant with a boy, he could be mildly to moderately to severely impacted by it. My cousin has a son not much younger than my daughter and I am pretty sure he has fragile X. He will be 3 this year and is just starting to walk. There is no telling how many more delays he has or will have or if he will ever be able to do everything a child/adult can do. So a second is definitely out for us. It was a hard thing to accept, especially since my brother had a second (our girls are within 6.5 month of each other). I got the baby fever, but I just knew I couldn't take the chance (as well as all the other reasons we had to just have one).
So I feel you. It's a hard thing to reconcile. It sounds like you are doing the right thing for your family.
theretrogamerny
New member
@tims64 Hi there! One and done bc I am infertile and had to do IVF twice to get our beautiful daughter (she was the only viable embryo). I have gone through a lot the past couple years to grieve the idea of having a second. I’d even picked the name Elizabeth. It’s tough, and therapy helped hugely, as does coming here and reminding myself of the advantages.
Like someone else said I think it’s outstanding that you recognize what your son needs and I hope you have lots of love and support.
Like someone else said I think it’s outstanding that you recognize what your son needs and I hope you have lots of love and support.
proverbs11_9
New member
@tims64 I know this is an old thread but it made me feel better. I have a five week old son that I had via IVF. We have a few more embryos and always planned to have two or three. However, I had a placental abruption at home and had to have an emergency c section and then developed complications at my incision from that. I’m currently on my third week of wearing a wound vac pump and caring for a newborn. I am so traumatized from the abruption, bleeding out, having to wait for EMS to take me to the hospital so that we could find out if my son was alive, and now the c section issues that I really can’t go through it again. My son and I are both lucky to be alive and he doesn’t deserve to have to live without his mom if it happened again. This is still fresh on my mind and makes me so sad. Im trying to cherish every newborn moment with him, but at the same time I just keep thinking about how I will never experience this again.
@tims64 OAD because my husband was hit by a car and killed at age 34. I’m 40 and our son just turned two. Did not expect to be a single parent at 40.
Also grieving the life I thought I’d be having and while it’s overwhelming sometimes I am glad to have our son as a link to my husband.
Maybe some day I would be open to more kids though a blended family situation but nowhere near ready for that and there’s a lot of complications there too. Sigh.
Also grieving the life I thought I’d be having and while it’s overwhelming sometimes I am glad to have our son as a link to my husband.
Maybe some day I would be open to more kids though a blended family situation but nowhere near ready for that and there’s a lot of complications there too. Sigh.
@tims64 I’m probably one and done. I had fertility issues and got lucky/ blessed with my first. He’s 4 now and I’ve split with his dad and have basically full custody (he lives far away). I’ve dated new partners who really want their own biological kid with me but due to health issues I would need a surrogate to carry the baby and due to low egg count, I’m unable to freeze enough eggs to make an embryo to transfer to the surrogate. I only make 1 egg per month so if I try to freeze, I would need to do 10 cycles to get 10 eggs just to have a 65% chance of a viable pregnancy. That’s $150k for a 65% chance plus the health risks of doing 10 egg freezing cycles which would take a toll on my health. I’m 38 and if I want to try the egg freezing thing I have 1 more year to try. I might do 1 cycle for 1 egg just to see if it’s hard on my body or if I can handle it and just so as many cycles as I can so that one day if I want the option maybe those few eggs could be “the one egg” I need for an embryo. I heard it only takes 1 but obviously the chances are so slim! I could always use an egg donor but I see that as basically adoption and then I wonder why not adopt a baby that’s already here and needs a family. Most men I date don’t want to adopt tho - they want “their own biological baby”. If I do egg donor at least they can use their sperm so it’s biologically theirs. The cost of egg Donor + surrogate totals to $250k. I’m in the position to be able to afford it but I want to be married and super in love before I make that commitment and some guys try to rush me to decide in the early stages of dating bc they want to “know for sure” that I can and will have a baby.