I have an 8 week old and my husband and I always felt we’d be OAD. We still feel this way, however given it took us a long time to decide to have one, we’ve discussed setting up a final decision timeline so we have some space outside of this newborn/baby phase to pull the plug (aka schedule his vasectomy). Just curious if anyone else set timelines and how old your OAD kiddo was when you took more permanent birth control measures?
OAD decision timeline
- Thread starter renette
- Start date
@renette We didn't have a timeline really, it took a pregnancy scare to push us to take permanent action 
our OAD babe is 2 in a few weeks and my husband had his vasectomy last weekend. I'm also 35 this year and I personally didn't really want a baby after that age, just because I saw my mum face a lot of the issues that can come with pregnancy in your late 30s, don't want to risk it.
our OAD babe is 2 in a few weeks and my husband had his vasectomy last weekend. I'm also 35 this year and I personally didn't really want a baby after that age, just because I saw my mum face a lot of the issues that can come with pregnancy in your late 30s, don't want to risk it.faithnazarene615
New member
@faithnazarene615 Multiple miscarriages and a termination for medical reasons whilst trying for her last 2 babies. She had 3 of us in her early 20s and then carried another 2 to term in her late 30s/early 40s. It was heartbreaking seeing her go through that and it caused me to have a lot of fears around miscarriage.
faithnazarene615
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@soosh8005 Such a good point. Your comment makes me think a lot too about making sure we don’t have an accidental pregnancy because it could cause resentment towards a kid that I’d hate to feel. Thank you!
ababwaalijaz
New member
@soosh8005 This is something my husband and I have talked about - he is turning 40 this year and I will be 38 (we were 34 and 36 when our daughter was born). He absolutely does not want to he nearing retirement while a hypothetical younger child is still in high school. Some older parents will say kids "keep you feeling young", and maybe that's true, but I also see lots of older parents who are completely exhausted and are struggling to keep up. And trying to care for multiples at an older age seems even more draining.
The exhaustion and sleep-deprivation from caring for an infant, plus dealing with the energy of a toddler, hits way harder when you are older. Unless you are in excellent health and have higher-than-average levels of energy for your age, it IS harder. My grandmother was probably one of these exceptions; she had her two children at 40 and nearly 45 years old - but she was always very energetic and physically better off than her peers for most of her life. My grandfather was actually a few years younger than her, but his age didn't matter as he was an old-school "hands-off" father who did zero of the household and child-rearing tasks.
And yes, there are more risks for mother and baby as age increases - it doesn't mean you are guaranteed problems, but the risk of nearly ALL complications increases with age, as do the risk of chromosomal disorders and autism (although autism to a less dramatic degree). With that being said, age is far from our only reason for being OAD, and I don't think age should necessarily stop someone from having a(nother) child if it's the ONLY hesitation they have.
The exhaustion and sleep-deprivation from caring for an infant, plus dealing with the energy of a toddler, hits way harder when you are older. Unless you are in excellent health and have higher-than-average levels of energy for your age, it IS harder. My grandmother was probably one of these exceptions; she had her two children at 40 and nearly 45 years old - but she was always very energetic and physically better off than her peers for most of her life. My grandfather was actually a few years younger than her, but his age didn't matter as he was an old-school "hands-off" father who did zero of the household and child-rearing tasks.
And yes, there are more risks for mother and baby as age increases - it doesn't mean you are guaranteed problems, but the risk of nearly ALL complications increases with age, as do the risk of chromosomal disorders and autism (although autism to a less dramatic degree). With that being said, age is far from our only reason for being OAD, and I don't think age should necessarily stop someone from having a(nother) child if it's the ONLY hesitation they have.
@ababwaalijaz There were other things that pushed us to one and done, this was my rule before we even started having kids.
My dad never played catch with me. Never played outside with me. Never got down on the ground and played with me. Things like that.
My mom was the one working while I was growing up or I’m sure she would have but it was dad who I was with.
Not to say he didn’t do anything with me, so I don’t wanna completely throw him under the bus… but I do hold a huge grudge that they had me and then didn’t ever play with me in a way that I really wanted them to.
I don’t say this to shame anyone who may be considering having a kid as an older adult, I can only speak to my experience and it’s something deeply affected me as a child, that I’m (obviously) still holding onto.
My dad never played catch with me. Never played outside with me. Never got down on the ground and played with me. Things like that.
My mom was the one working while I was growing up or I’m sure she would have but it was dad who I was with.
Not to say he didn’t do anything with me, so I don’t wanna completely throw him under the bus… but I do hold a huge grudge that they had me and then didn’t ever play with me in a way that I really wanted them to.
I don’t say this to shame anyone who may be considering having a kid as an older adult, I can only speak to my experience and it’s something deeply affected me as a child, that I’m (obviously) still holding onto.
@soosh8005 I bet you really take the time to interact and play with your kid now as a result and that they will get to have the opposite experience because you’ve made this a priority!
scientartist
New member
@scientartist I can’t wait for him to get one cuz I am 34 and have been on some form of hormonal birth control since I was like 16 and I’m over it. Also with you on the anxiety around it, I just don’t want to constantly worry about the chance it could fail.
Reading these comments has me realizing some of my hesitancy to him getting it done has been outside pressure. Family members saying things like “you don’t want to give your child sibling?” have been especially triggering for me and seem to be bringing up some people pleasing anxiety. Thanks for sharing!
Reading these comments has me realizing some of my hesitancy to him getting it done has been outside pressure. Family members saying things like “you don’t want to give your child sibling?” have been especially triggering for me and seem to be bringing up some people pleasing anxiety. Thanks for sharing!
scientartist
New member
@renette My usual comment back (although my family has stopped pressuring thank goodness so I feel your pain) is “My family is perfect” or “my family feels complete”. My FIL a year and a half ago casually mentioned a second and my husband piped up, “I thought we told you not to bring that up anymore.”
Gave him the BIGGEST hug.
Gave him the BIGGEST hug.
@scientartist I love that! I’m definitely going to use that response!!
chrissygerzen
New member
@chrissygerzen That’s kind of what we’ve thought is a 2-4 year timeline. I’m probably going to have to suck it up and get one last iud.
chrissygerzen
New member
can’t wait to be off it!@catqueen Thank you for sharing - this is one of the reasons we’ve discussed him getting the procedure sooner than later - so that I don’t romanticize or forget how incredibly hard my pregnancy was. I had hyperemesis gravidarum and it was terrible. I wouldn’t wish it upon my worse enemy. Delivery also had its complications. Funny how my brain is able to gloss over these things while in this fuzzy newborn phase.
@renette My friend advised me to write down all the horrors of pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum in detail for yourself to look at later when you suddenly get baby fever when your little one is a toddler. I thought that was great advice.
We are religious and surrounded by people who have baby after baby and say it’s all great (barely any pregnancy sickness, no c sections, no anxiety, no pain or sickness breastfeeding, etc.) But I absolutely could not handle another pregnancy and postpartum and I do not want to be convinced by seeing all these other ladies who experience such easy back to back pregnancies.
We are religious and surrounded by people who have baby after baby and say it’s all great (barely any pregnancy sickness, no c sections, no anxiety, no pain or sickness breastfeeding, etc.) But I absolutely could not handle another pregnancy and postpartum and I do not want to be convinced by seeing all these other ladies who experience such easy back to back pregnancies.