My partner passed away and I’m seriously considering adoption or a sperm donor.

[sonnalauurgent]

8 days ago I tragically lost my partner of 5 years in a fatal car accident. We’ve been trying for a baby for 4 years and had 1 loss during that time. I’ve been so angry and sad that his chance at being a father was robbed from him. I feel like my whole world just came crumbling down on top of me and I can’t get up. My entire future plans involved him, the last 5 years of my life consisted of him in my daily routine and I have no idea how I’m gonna do this alone without him. We were in such a good place in life, we were gonna move out of state and start new lives and hoped to god that we’d get pregnant. Without him, those plans aren’t able to happen and I can’t imagine starting all over with someone else and getting to the point of trying to start a family and so forth plus I just only ever imagined a family with him.

I’ve considered trying to adopt or using a sperm donor in the future and I’d be perfectly okay with being a single mother by choice. I have a village by my side thankfully and im financially able to do it. Everyone keeps telling that eventually, he’ll send me someone and that I’ll find love again, he’d want me to move on eventually and all of that stuff but I truly just don’t see that happening. The bond and connection we had was truly unbreakable and can’t be replaced. No one can live up to him and I’m so fucking heartbroken he’s gone. I miss him so so much.

 

[luckycharmwa]

@sonnalauurgent This is heartbreaking. I’m so sorry, OP.

This loss is still so fresh, and if I were you I’d hold off on making any major decisions (like adoption or sperm donor) until some time has passed and you’re in a better headspace that isn’t driven by so much grief and longing.

You are so young and while it’s hard to imagine right now, you have so much life ahead of you and I hope you consider the possibility of someone else entering your life that you can love. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. Maybe you’ll want to, and maybe you won’t.

Wishing you healing and peace while you navigate this really gut-wrenching chapter.

 

[gflorentino]

@sonnalauurgent Please be kind to yourself, I lost my partner very suddenly 4 years ago. I can't imagine your pain right now. Sending you strength and love.

 

[robinsonalexandria21]

@sonnalauurgent This is going to sound crazy. In 2017, my partner died unexpectedly. We had just decided that we were going to start trying to have a baby. I went through so much grief for so many years as a result, and I even thought that maybe I wanted to be a single mother by choice.

In 2024, I am happily married and trying for a baby with a man who completely respects the love that never got to see me build a family and is willing to talk about and understand my past. Everyone told me not to make any major decisions in the first two years. I didn't even date in the first two years. I didn't buy anything big, not even a laptop (which I needed to replace, badly). I am better for it. I found someone who has been able to honor the love I have now and respect the love I had then. If you need to talk, I'm here. Platitudes will come and go, but few people know how painful these losses truly are.

 

[rocotheepic]

@sonnalauurgent I am so, so sorry for your loss. I am just an internet stranger so please take everything I say with a grain of salt and balance it against what you know about yourself - but I think this is not the time to rush into any decisions. (It's pretty much impossible to rush into adopting anyway, but still.) 8 days is nothing. You are at the very beginning of coping with this loss and your grief is huge right now. It might not ever exactly get smaller, but I promise you that at some point it will not fill your entire horizon all the time the way it does now. You will at least be able to see around it sometimes. That will be the time to decide how to move forward with becoming a mother. Right now, let your village support YOU, just yourself - that's plenty. Use your financial resources to help you take whatever time you need to heal, whether you spend that time curled up in a ball in a dark room or skydiving or whatever you can do or whatever helps at all. I'm not saying any of this related to whether you'll find love again or someone else to build a family with. Maybe single-motherhood-by-choice IS the right future for you. But this is not the right time to start. Feeding and clothing and bathing yourself is going to take enough of your energy some days. Just be gentle with yourself.

 

[bschneid]

@sonnalauurgent I am so so sorry for your loss. I truly can’t imagine all the emotions you are feeling right now.

You don’t have to make a decision right this minute. Maybe you’ll decide to be a single mother by choice or maybe life will turn out differently. Give yourself time to grieve. I really like Nora McInerny’s resources on grief (podcasts and books). She was widowed in her early 30’s. Hoping you can find some peace in the days ahead

 

[imzadi38]

@sonnalauurgent I’m so sorry OP, this is to tragic.

What I will say is, no decisions need to made right now so put that load off your mind. I’m 39 and single after an ex cheated and now I’m going down the sperm donor route alone and it took years to come to that decision and then just felt right. What you’re going through now is huge, and whatever choice you make in the future is ok and will be right for you. Just don’t worry about it right now. Know the options are open, take as much comfort as possible in that, and then focus on getting through this very immediate grief in whatever way you can.

We’re all with you.

 

[maulratte]

@sonnalauurgent Very sorry for your loss. The grieving process is long and challenging and I can’t even begin to imagine dealing with this. I’ve always read it’s recommended you not make any major life decisions for at least a year. I think this one applies.

 

[sonnalauurgent]

@maulratte This is definitely something that I’d wait for, considering I’m not at all in the right head space to go through a pregnancy let alone take care of a baby. When I think long term though, I don’t see myself being with another man the way I was with him and I feel like maybe a donor or adoption would be the best choice for me in the end

 

[womanofgod123]

@sonnalauurgent I’m incredibly sorry for your loss. Nothing can prepare you for this sort of thing. Sending you so much love.

 

[oldwiseone]

@sonnalauurgent It's heartbreaking to read this, but your strength and resilience are truly inspiring.

 

[srdkr]

@sonnalauurgent I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what you're going through to lose a partner so young. Grief is a beast, and I know you must be in unbelievable pain. I highly recommend reading Megan Devine's books / following her social media account (@refugeingrief) as you navigate your way through this. Her words gave me great comfort and made me feel less alone when I was in the early stages of my own grief.

I believe being a single mother by choice is a fine thing to do if it is the right move for you. However, some of the best advice I was given in deep grief was to not make any big decisions in the immediate wake of the death of your loved one. I would give yourself time to come up from bottom of this crater you're in, and process your life learning to carry this grief forward before making any life altering decisions.

 

[fireknight]

@sonnalauurgent I’m so sorry for your loss. Please take the time to grieve and don’t think you need to make any decisions immediately. I fully support women who want to be single moms by choice, I have a friend who did and it is beautiful and she’s amazing. But if I’m reading your profile correctly- you are 22 years old? You are still very very young and this is still so fresh. Things can happen years from now. You still have time. I met my husband at age 23/24 and we are 27 almost 28 now and doing IVF.

I have been through lots of trauma and therapy has helped so much. Please take care of yourself.

Sending you so much love and hugs.

 

[shatteredglass]

@sonnalauurgent So sorry, OP. My heart is with you. My best advice is that you do not need to pursue adoption or pregnancy right now. If you jumped into parenthood, even if for the best of intentions, you will ultimately be putting the weight of your emotions and loss onto this child and they do not deserve to carry that burden for you. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your future child is to grieve in your own time and focus on your mental health. Children should complete your life, not fix it. I wish you the best; much love!

 

[sonnalauurgent]

@shatteredglass I understand that, which is why it’s not something I wanna do right now, im just trying to mourn him and the fact that I may or may not get to be a parent and experience that, my mind is just all over. I’m thinking more long term, if I ever can even get through this.

 

[janwog]

@sonnalauurgent Sending so much love.. and as gently as I can say this.. please pause on the baby. I’ve been the child of a mother deep in grief and it was awful. Give yourself time to figure out life without him and get to a new normal when things have calmed down & then try.

 

[atourthroats]

@sonnalauurgent I am SO sorry. I think if I were in your situation and it was something I agreed with ethically, I would consider egg freezing until I found someone right for me or made the decision concretely to pursue a donor. I don’t want the worries of this huge loss to make you panic about not having enough “time.” I don’t know how old you are but it may give you peace of mind. Also, remember that we carry all our egg cells with us our entire lives. It means that in some way, your future baby already met your partner. Your future baby knows how much he loved and meant to you and he will always be a part of your lives.

 

[powersforgood]

@sonnalauurgent It’s been 8 days… grieve first

 

[nickmoore]

@sonnalauurgent I am so sorry you are experiencing this deep loss. I would feel the same way if my husband were to pass away. I've always known I would never stop wearing the ring he gave me, not necessarily on my left hand, even if somewhere down the line I did meet someone else.

Try your best not to think about the future right now. You should take time to grieve and be present in the moment and take care of yourself. Your partner loved you and loved being with you and I know you made the last 5 years of his life incredibly rich and rewarding even without a child.

You will never forget your great love, but I do hope someday you can be happy with someone. However, don't let ANYONE rush you to that decision. Everyone heals on a different timeline and if you take longer than other's think you should that is perfectly fine. Be true to yourself and yourself only.

No matter how it comes, you will be an amazing mother someday.

 

[mypreciousgift010210]

@sonnalauurgent I’m so so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you are experiencing