My MiL ran away from us in tears

[digitaldew]

It's no one's fault but I feel so bad for her and my FiL. We had our second baby 4 days ago. All of our parents are 2 hours away so my mom stayed with us the week leading up to my due date and the plan was for her and my in laws to stay with our toddler while we were in the hospital then the in laws would stay a few days after to help us adjust. I think my in laws had really high expectations of being busy around our house and getting special bonding time with our son. Being a typical 2.5 year old, he shows his preferences for people without remorse so of course he preferred my mom to do everything with him since she had just spent a week with us. Then when we were home he wanted me and his dad, which makes sense we were away for 3 days. So he constantly said, "no Mimi, no papaw, I want mommy/daddy". They also seem to forget how difficult toddlers are to get to do any task you want them to. It takes cajoling and lots of patient repeating.

So this, in combination with bad sleep because it's not their bed, left both of them sad and anxious. Finally while I was breastfeeding and husband was napping my son wanted to take a walk and was fine with papaw and Mimi taking him. She does not walk well and definitely can't run after a toddler. I warned her he likes to run on the sidewalk but will pause to let you catch up. She tried to tell him that he has to hold her hand on the walk, which I just knew wouldn't work. So he immediately ran down the driveway, she freaked out thinking he was going to run into the road and carried him crying back into the house.

She tried to keep it together to cook dinner but she ended up in tears and they left immediately instead of staying the last night they had planned.

I really tried to be encouraging and remind them of what toddlers are like. He's pretty well behaved for a 2.5 year old but he just had a major life change. My husband is mad that they reacted the way they did but I truly understand how their expectations could have led to such a let down. I'm going to try to encourage my husband to debrief with her tomorrow with as much grace as he can muster. They really were a huge help while they were here.

I just don't want them to think they did anything wrong or blame his behavior. Toddlers live for routines and it's hard to break into that when you're only physically with them for 4-5 hours twice a month.

 

[tracieplaxton]

@digitaldew Aw this actually made me sad for them. And you’re a very kind person empathizing with everything going on all while having just given birth and having a newborn. I’ve had a rough day and your kindness just made me feel slightly better about the crazy world I know that sounds silly but you’re a good person

 

[mafo]

@tracieplaxton I get overwhelmed pretty easily and have had to step away from my own toddler to cry. OP’s compassion made me feel better too. Hope the in-laws can visit again soon when toddler is a little more adjusted to the new baby.

 

[christiansquander]

@digitaldew Awwww. I feel like we hear so many negative MIL stories, it makes me sad thinking about a good one getting upset, but I agree about toddlers. Maybe send her a card really emphasizing how much you appreciate the time she/they spent with you and the help given, and just reiterate that toddlers are challenging and you were sorry they left early. Ultimately if her feelings are that hurt it’s her own wounds to heal, but I think reaching out like that would supportive of her doing so.

 

[nic_88]

@digitaldew I'm happy that you're taking the in laws side and empathizing with them. You might consider reaching out to MIL and having them come help a little later down the line with just them, that way they can get some time to bond and maybe toddler is a tiny bit more in the groove --- or maybe toddler will be stoked to see them as he isn't get as much attention while baby is around. Maybe they can take him on a lunch date, or the zoo. Something special for just them and toddler -- plus have them over to spend time with baby.

 

[digitaldew]

@nic_88 Good call. I may wait until the end of husband leave with me and have her come spend some time with fewer people here.

 

[alannasteph]

@digitaldew You are so kind. I think just reiterate to your in laws that the things LO says are not personal and just what he’s feeling right at that actual moment. He loves them and is also going through a lot of big changes right now which will cause him to be a little bit more particular for a while.

 

[bukadavis01]

@digitaldew I think you are amazing, writing such a heartfelt and empathic note while being 4 days (!!) post partum.

 

[digitaldew]

@bukadavis01 Haha thank you. So far this time around I have no sign of baby blues which is very different from my first.

 

[joaa]

@digitaldew Awe your in laws sound just lovely! I feel for your MIL. It sounds like nerves are raw and everyone is tired. I'm sure logically she knows it has nothing to do with her but it would certainly be hard to be rejected over and over again like that. Maybe they can come visit again when everyone has had some time to adjust!

 

[bentleychris23]

@digitaldew You are extremely sweet. I wouldn't worry too much - I'm sure she knows. I know I still get a bit sad when my kid has preferences for Dad over Mum, even when I KNOW it's a phase and of course he still loves me. It's hard to not feel those emotions. They know, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind a bit of love.

I have a lot of family in another time zone, and here's what works for us. I would see if you can get your toddler to make a drawing or something, even if it's super basic scribbling, and send it with some flowers or similar to them to say thanks for all the help. See if you can talk your husband down so that the debrief goes nicely, and send them a message whilst baby is contact napping to thank them all again without going through husband.

THEN initiate the long term strategy. See if you can get regular facetime in with them. Even if they don't interact too much, toddler will get used to hearing their voices around the house. Maybe they can read bedtime stories over facetime to toddler, maybe a night a week? Maybe twice if they all/you enjoy it. The downtime for you guys with new baby would be great as well. Then, next time they come, make sure they have quiet time together in a room without you guys (after they warm up to each other of course) to promote good bonding. The next time they visit, I would spend the few days before they arrive showing pictures of the grandparents every night or whenever is convenient - "Look! Who's that? Mimi and Papaw? They're coming to visit on the weekend isn't that EXCITING? How are you feeling about it?", just to promote discussion. Big little feelings always say prep is eeeeverything with toddlers, and I think it's really good advice. It won't always take this much effort, but it will do a lot for their relationship building in these early years.

 

[digitaldew]

@bentleychris23 That's a great idea about the thank you note, I might even have him mail it to them which would be fun for him.
They do facetime almost every day. They actually already have a good relationship, he talks about them all the time. He just really loved the word NO during this visit. I think that's why my husband is a bit jarred by their reaction. They and my mom are already so much more interactive with our kids then our grandparents ever were with us.

 

[bentleychris23]

@digitaldew That’s so nice to hear! Hopefully it was just a one off then, when emotions were already high before the visit. New baby is a lot for everyone I guess! Congratulations on the little one I hope you’re getting some sleep!

 

[drycleaner]

@digitaldew Wow, you are really nice.

Next time they visit, maybe have some activities that your MIL could do with your toddler ready… like have some new playdough that he hasn’t opened yet, or a cookie recipe ready. That way it’s new and exciting for him, and no run-away risk for grandma!

 

[chaseasaferworld]

@digitaldew Aww I feel so sorry for them..

My parents didnt see my twins until they were 16 months old. Thats when they met eachother for the first time because we live 35 hour flight away and pandemic happened.

My son took to my parents really well, immediately bonding with them, but my daughter took a full 2 weeks. And those 2 weeks were really difficult. She would immediately start crying her eyes out if her dad or me were not in her eye sight. My parents would offer her her favorite snacks, sing songs, read books, buy her toys but just nope. She absolutely refused to be even in the same room alone with my parents. When we tried it, she would become hysterical and inconsolable.

It was really hard on my parents because they had waited so long to hold the kids, kiss them and play with them etc.. they made a whole room for the babies in their home, with toys and kids wallpaper and hand painted childrens furniture and everything, they were just so desperate to be with their grandkids. It was heartbreaking to be treated like that after so much love and effort.

But it does pass. Now my daughter screams in happiness every time one of my parents walk into the room. Their patience and consistent kindness really paid off. My daughter who barely speaks only a few words, added "grandpa!!" To her vocabulary and its just so precious.

They just gotta hang in there but I truly sympathize..

 

[digitaldew]

I appreciate everyone telling me how nice I am haha. I know in-laws and and our own moms get a bad wrap on here and usually for very understandable reasons. But I really try to see things from their perspective. Particularly with the first grandchild, they have only known being mothers themselves. It's naturally going to be a much different relationship than they are used to, especially if they aren't very close by.

I appreciate everyone's advice and while I'm mostly counting on my husband to have a heart to heart with them and resolve any issues, I'm going to take some steps too to encourage them to stay as involved as they have been and reassure them of how well they are doing as grandparents. We try to stick to having the harder convos with our own parents/siblings and not just me doing it. He's got good communication skills but does tend to match tones, particularly with his own family, so hopefully all are very open with their feelings. My FiL is the tough one because he's a classic gruff Appalachian man who takes a lot of things personally and internalizes. Lol

I love reddit for the sounding board that it can be. Thanks moms!

 

[321k]

@digitaldew You're nice for being so understanding. This kind of expectations vs. Reality is why I don't want anyone visiting or "helping" us for 2 weeks post birth. We hired a doula because I know my parents expectations in particular are just not in line with reality.

 

[savedbygodsgrace28]

@digitaldew You are a gold standard person and you must be protected at all costs.

 

[unity1]

@digitaldew It sounds like you have wonderful in-laws. I think a card and everything is a good idea.

I haven't been a paternal grandparent, but I am a paternal aunt. When my nephew and niece were very little, it was hard to keep reaching out when I felt like they preferred their maternal family. I recall one instance where I left before I started crying. But... I kept trying and we are very close now. I no longer worry about my place in their lives compared to their maternal family.

 

[reactothis]

@digitaldew I agree to have her come back when it's just her. You're so sweet to feel so bad but it's no one's fault. We live closer to my parents and they watch my kids weekly and my in laws live a couple hours away so when we had #2 we had just in laws come watch #1 while in the hospital to get alone time. But when they came to visit us in the hospital (pre-covid) we made the mistake of having all grandparents at once and #1 only wanted my mom even though my mom tried to encourage her to be with in laws. After that while baby was new we kept things separate for a bit so #1 could have solo time with each set of grandparents.