My kid can get very angry for something very insignificant, can I trigger her to teach her how to handle anger?

[prodigallane]

For context: single mom, 2 kids, high conflict divorce, kids don't wanna go to my ex anymore but are required to do so (court order), my 9 y.o. girl can get extremely angry for something very insignificant (e.g. when we play a game and she loses, when we go swimming and she gets wet (yes, really), when we go some place and she doesn't feel like it, etc.). She is getting help and the child psyhologist told me her having to go see her father against her will may explain her anger.

For argument's sake, let's just assume the above is correct. My question is not about the above. My question is about the following:

I understand my question is somewhat controversial, but I just wanna help my little girl.

Can I trigger her so that she gets angry, record it and then show it to her so that she learns? I just want her to see her anger is not in relation to whatever it is that triggered her.

 

[belle_me777]

@prodigallane I was a very angry girl and if someone did that to me it would have crushed me as I was already in so much pain emotionally. Also as class A idiot adult I did that same shit to a kid (to show his psychologist) but he ended up hearing the video and was very upset.

I have a few ideas but I it would help to understand what is the definition of anger for you. Literally, how does she express her anger?

 

[prodigallane]

@belle_me777 Oh, thank you so much, I didn't look at it that way. Thanks again.

She used to shout and get physical, telling me she hates me, beating me, kicking me. It's already SO MUCH better now. She doesn't do that anymore, she just gets upset, goes to her room, still gets physical with her brother, but not me. So we came a long way, but we're not there yet. I want to see if there is anything more I can do to help her.

I'd love to hear your ideas.

 

[katrina2017]

@prodigallane I hope I'm not butting in, but I wanted to piggy back off this commenter bc I struggled with anger as a child as well. Never really had a reason, and I knew that. Maybe my sock was twisted the wrong way. Seriously- that was one of my biggest challenges. Anyway, I wanted to comment to make sure you arent forgetting something very elementary. Talking to her & having good quality conversations. Keep offering quality time, quality conversations, all that. Even if she tells you she hates you and wants to be alone forever. Give her a minute, then offer love, but in a supportive way. Not in a pitiful way. What I mean by this, sit close next to her (legs touching) and be quiet vs "give me a hug" / "you need someone to cry to, come here poor baby". Nah, let her change the conversations from "IM SO ANGRY" to "mom I need help. I'm so upset about ___" (she might not beable to tell you exactly what is bothering her, and that's okay too.) But I know when I was young, I was bombarded by my mom asking "what's wrong" over and over and over and that's more frustrating than anything so really all it did was make it worse. It's my hope that by sitting with her, you offer companionship so she doesn't feel lonely. And by letting her calm down and change her attitude / emotions on her own- that's a huge life lesson in independence. Also, you've just created a safe and loving environment for her to figure out what's bothering her and then she can discuss that with you. THIS is what I imagine good parenting to be like, bc now it's your responsibility to listen and help her cope. Don't save her from every problem in life, that's not sustainable and it's setting her up for failure when you're not around. But you can teach emotional resilience and help explain why life is the way it is.

 

[prodigallane]

@katrina2017 Wow. The wisdom on this sub never ceases to amaze me. That's a very good tip, thank you. It reminds me of that book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

I didn't get the part about independence, but I'll do as you say.

 

[belle_me777]

@prodigallane I love that book! It helped me so much with my ex's children.

 

[belle_me777]

@prodigallane Oh my. She's like a mini-me Except I had a sister. They didn't go through a divorce, but we were stuck in an equally intense dynamic. Unfortunately, unlike you, my parents were emotionally illiterate, so I only learned that we actually could control our emotions in my 30s (except for wiring issues)

These are the things they would have helped me.

Take them to a professional ASAP.

If my parents took me to a psychologist at the very least, they would find out that I have ADHD and figure out why I sucked at school.

Teach them about the consequences of crossing the boundaries appropriately, effectively, and consistently.

I should have learned what happens when I hurt another person physically and emotionally. Learn about personal boundaries, understand the true meaning of empathy, the damage it causes, and how it will end with a lifetime of guilt for me.

Ask them to list the ingredients of their big feelings instead of doing it for them.

I wish they didn't say, "stop being so angry," and ask me, "I may be wrong, but to me, it looks like you have a lot of strong feelings," and let me explain what they were.

Teach them the concept of needing alone time to recharge.

It would have been a game-changer if they had taught me the concept of "alone time." I would feel so valued if they asked others to respect my alone time simply by saying, "She is recharging in her room for 20 minutes" I would know my purpose of being there without an emotional label, know my goal, and when it should end.

Adjust the parenting schedule to have date nights with the other parent and stick to it.

This is something I witnessed myself and saw that it worked wonders when it was done right.

Add a permanent "date night" with each kid to your parenting schedule. Even if it means one kid sees less of the other parent every other week. Make sure it's an ordinary night, but have the kid pick the movie or dinner, or both. During the divorce, kids become a package deal, but this arrangement gives them a chance to feel like they are individuals. It is, of course, essential to encourage the kid to be excited about their date night with the other parent and do it as genuinely as possible.

 

[churchsound]

@prodigallane I imagine she already knows. A video being filmed without her consent, especially if you provoke her might not help her see things the way you want her to.

 

[prodigallane]

@churchsound Good point. I have given this some more thought and I will not do that. Thank you.

 

[jtjones]

@prodigallane My son deals with something similar. What I do is stay near him, let him calm down and then talk about it. Letting him put words to it really helps. I ask what he felt in his body, what he was thinking, etc.

 

[prodigallane]

@jtjones I do that, too. But it doesn't always have the desired effect. Anyway, I'll keep trying. Thank you.

 

[quigonj]

@prodigallane This isnt meaant to be done for a desired effect, but rather because it strengthens the relationship. Focusing on connection and empathy is simply the respectful and loving thing to do. As a side effect of focusing on the relationship, emotions tend to be more easily regulated, but the point of connection isnt the change in behavior but the connection itself. Try to approach it from this place of authenticity. You might be surprised at how much better things get when you shift your focus from behaviors to relationship.

 

[prodigallane]

@quigonj Never looked at it that way. Thanks so much for the eye-opener!

 

[mint3]

@prodigallane Seeing the anger isn't going to make her wake up, snap out of it, and solve it.
There is a low level of frustration permanently within her because she is in this situation that is completely out of her control. On top of everything that happens around her adding to it.
To you the reaction seems out of ratio, but you aren't seeing and understanding the underlying levels of anger underneath this volcano.

What would be better is teaching her forms of meditation and boundary setting that are accessible to her to deal with the real roots of the problems. Can you preempt some of these situations and talk about how to handle it. For example before the game starts discuss feelings that may come up such as unfairness and disappointment. Talk about how she can handle it through discussion and other activities.

Possibly present her with more of these triggers strategically in order to find opportunity to practice under the best circumstances.

But this is an illogical feeling in a child with a yet to develop executive functioning brain. She isn't going to see the logic in the amount of reaction.

 

[prodigallane]

@mint3 You nailed it. There are things at play that I cannot mention here because my case is so long and so complicated but you are absolutely right. I knew there are underlying levels of anger, but the word "volcano" never came to mind. I will definitely take that into consideration.

And for the record I am seeing the underlying levels of anger: she has kicked me, beaten me, called me names, but I have never gotten angry with her because I know she's doing this for a reason.

I was actually thinking about meditation but didn't give it much thought. I will now make that a priority.

At the same time I ask myself if meditation is the best solution? What's your opinion about therapy? Should she see a psychologist? Should she be seeing a psychiatrist?

I think I understand your last sentence. I had to read it several times. Are you some kind of professional health provider, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[mint3]

@prodigallane No professional here. My kids havea a similar issue. They are lucky now that they are older their dad gives them more say when going over which means they don't as much, but many years of your long car rides with screaming crying fighting kids as their frustrations bubbled over and releases when I pick them up have taught me a lot. My son is still the angry one who bangs tables.amd throws things because of minor upsets

I don't think there is medicine for anger and frustration. Though it may be worth looking into if it could help. A psychologist is who you talk to about that anyway. If you can afford it, therapy is a must.