@guidedbythelight I am hoping it’s a “functional” fight! It’s hard to see it as that in the moment but I suppose it was productive. At least she is allowed to express how she feels right? Thanks for that perspective.
My kid basically told me to stop gentle parenting her
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@davida50 My daughter is 12 now and while she's generally pretty chill and super awesome, there were definitely periods from about 8 until after the hormones settled about a year ago, that things got ROUGH. Never for long, but maybe a week or so every few months. It was delightful.
Anyway, I don't really gentle parent as such but I've always made a big effort to talk about our feelings etc. Over the last few years, the way I approach that has drastically changed. We're not talking about our feelings anymore, we're talking about our day or 'gossiping'. I ask lots of open questions about whatever situation we're discussing and often I'm the one initiating that part of the conversation like 'omg I would have cried/been so happy/been so embarrassed' which leads to her naturally voicing how she felt or sometimes asking why I would have had a certain reaction when she felt a different way and we discuss it from there. This all rolls naturally through a conversation and I definitely have to check myself sometimes and make sure I'm not pushing it. When it's been a 'big' something, she will often bring it up more directly later once she's had some time to think about it more as well.
I think if you can find a way to adjust your approach slightly, then you'll be meeting her need to be treated a little more grown up at the same time. I know for my daughter, it would have taken her a while to finally come to an outburst like that about something like this so definitely approach her about it again once everyone's had a good sleep and ask her specifically what she would like from you and see where that conversation goes.
Anyway, I don't really gentle parent as such but I've always made a big effort to talk about our feelings etc. Over the last few years, the way I approach that has drastically changed. We're not talking about our feelings anymore, we're talking about our day or 'gossiping'. I ask lots of open questions about whatever situation we're discussing and often I'm the one initiating that part of the conversation like 'omg I would have cried/been so happy/been so embarrassed' which leads to her naturally voicing how she felt or sometimes asking why I would have had a certain reaction when she felt a different way and we discuss it from there. This all rolls naturally through a conversation and I definitely have to check myself sometimes and make sure I'm not pushing it. When it's been a 'big' something, she will often bring it up more directly later once she's had some time to think about it more as well.
I think if you can find a way to adjust your approach slightly, then you'll be meeting her need to be treated a little more grown up at the same time. I know for my daughter, it would have taken her a while to finally come to an outburst like that about something like this so definitely approach her about it again once everyone's had a good sleep and ask her specifically what she would like from you and see where that conversation goes.
gitanjali786
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@gitanjali786 Love this idea. Thank you for the insight!
thunderchildau
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@thunderchildau Thank you!
@davida50 Take my perspective with a grain of salt, since I’m over here struggling with a 4 year old, but I wonder if this is a Dr. Becky “don’t take the bait” situation.
She’s growing up, she’s aware she’s growing up, and maybe on some level she’s scared that things are going to change and you’re not going to be the same gentle, sweet, loving mama when her hormones get more intense. She’s expressing a fear by telling you not to “baby” her, not really a want.
Maybe this is a good opportunity to remind her that sometimes you are going to get on each other’s nerves or need more space from each other and that’s fine, but you’re always going to be there and love her and her big feelings no matter what.
She’s growing up, she’s aware she’s growing up, and maybe on some level she’s scared that things are going to change and you’re not going to be the same gentle, sweet, loving mama when her hormones get more intense. She’s expressing a fear by telling you not to “baby” her, not really a want.
Maybe this is a good opportunity to remind her that sometimes you are going to get on each other’s nerves or need more space from each other and that’s fine, but you’re always going to be there and love her and her big feelings no matter what.
@davida50 Hmm I don't think I would ignore what she's saying but I'm not sure she has got it completely right either. Does she really never want to be asked about what she thinks or feels? It seems unlikely.
It sounds like she wants you to change how you talk to her, so maybe think about tone, language used, how much you prompt for an answer, and try and move that to a more adult conversational style.
I often think this when I hear gentle parenting people talk online, that if you talked like that to an adult you would be considered incredibly condescending, rude, and in the worst case, deranged.
It sounds like she wants you to change how you talk to her, so maybe think about tone, language used, how much you prompt for an answer, and try and move that to a more adult conversational style.
I often think this when I hear gentle parenting people talk online, that if you talked like that to an adult you would be considered incredibly condescending, rude, and in the worst case, deranged.
@bytehoven I do agree with your last point! I am definitely not "gentle" and condescending MOST of the time when I talk to her. If I run out of energy and steam, I might try to resort to that "scripting" instead of yelling but I am going to work hard to eliminate if from my strategies/methods/whatever all together.
@davida50 Hello from a fellow early childhood educator!
I obviously don't know the entirety of your situation, so take this advice with a grain of salt.
While it is great to talk about emotions with your child, by saying that she "is not a toddler" she may just be trying to communicate with you that she needs some emotional room. At 8 years old, she is at an age where she doesn't need to be regulated the same way a toddler would. She knows what emotions are, and why they happen, and can likely (mostly) manage them on her own. She may not need to talk them out with you to understand them much anymore, especially not in the moment. At this point, it may be better to simply hold space for those emotions to run their course. Be an open and willing participant if she needs or wants to talk, but don't force it. Just make it clear that the emotions are welcome. And you don't even have to say anything to her in order to do that. Just be the calm she needs. Calm is contagious. Sometimes we just need space to be mad, sad, embarrassed, or whatever it might be!
Children can't really communicate complex ideas like adults can. I'm sure she didn't mean it as an attack on you. It's important not to take things personally and get to the bottom of what they are really trying to tell you. And to me, it sounds like your daughter might be trying to say "give me a little more room to be independent and try this on my own."
I hope this helps, and good luck, Mama!
I obviously don't know the entirety of your situation, so take this advice with a grain of salt.
While it is great to talk about emotions with your child, by saying that she "is not a toddler" she may just be trying to communicate with you that she needs some emotional room. At 8 years old, she is at an age where she doesn't need to be regulated the same way a toddler would. She knows what emotions are, and why they happen, and can likely (mostly) manage them on her own. She may not need to talk them out with you to understand them much anymore, especially not in the moment. At this point, it may be better to simply hold space for those emotions to run their course. Be an open and willing participant if she needs or wants to talk, but don't force it. Just make it clear that the emotions are welcome. And you don't even have to say anything to her in order to do that. Just be the calm she needs. Calm is contagious. Sometimes we just need space to be mad, sad, embarrassed, or whatever it might be!
Children can't really communicate complex ideas like adults can. I'm sure she didn't mean it as an attack on you. It's important not to take things personally and get to the bottom of what they are really trying to tell you. And to me, it sounds like your daughter might be trying to say "give me a little more room to be independent and try this on my own."
I hope this helps, and good luck, Mama!
@tuckertwo I like this outlook and I appreciate your response. I do think I tend to err or the side of helping regulate emotions and I should start to back off and let her use the skills I’ve tried to instill in her. Wow do they grow up fast!
@davida50 I know it’s hard when you’re in it and very easy for others to say “don’t worry about it”.
But if you weren’t gentle parenting her and screeching at her, or controlling her, or some other style, or not necessarily a style- but relating to her in a way that isn’t the “gentle”approach, she’d just be saying “stop that!”.
They get to a stage where they are just frustrated at everything, the attitude is in abundance and you simply existing will just cause friction…
My mother had severe BPD and consequently I was on eggshells constantly as doing the wrong thing, or saying the wrong thing- even if it was fine to say or do the day before could either result in a fit of rage and screaming, or trigger a victim like sulk fest where she lamented she didn’t deserve this “treatment” and couldn’t cope.
The fact that you’ve adopted gentle parenting and its philosophy & are consistently applying it, is a sound strategy and not one that she will suffer for.
She’s just being a kid, and even the best parenting meets “kids being kids” sometimes.
But if you weren’t gentle parenting her and screeching at her, or controlling her, or some other style, or not necessarily a style- but relating to her in a way that isn’t the “gentle”approach, she’d just be saying “stop that!”.
They get to a stage where they are just frustrated at everything, the attitude is in abundance and you simply existing will just cause friction…
My mother had severe BPD and consequently I was on eggshells constantly as doing the wrong thing, or saying the wrong thing- even if it was fine to say or do the day before could either result in a fit of rage and screaming, or trigger a victim like sulk fest where she lamented she didn’t deserve this “treatment” and couldn’t cope.
The fact that you’ve adopted gentle parenting and its philosophy & are consistently applying it, is a sound strategy and not one that she will suffer for.
She’s just being a kid, and even the best parenting meets “kids being kids” sometimes.
@davida50 I know this is much harder since you’re in the situation, but is there a way you could frame what she was saying as a (rude) version of “please stop asking me about my feelings so much, I am beginning to feel more mature and would like a chance to handle things on my own before you start helping?” I am a teacher as well as a one and done parent and I find that these preteen outbursts are usually an attempt to communicate a real feeling that the parent should try to consider - but of course she’d still need to apologize for how it was said.
@davida50 My kid does a lot of opposition and her emotions are intense.
Taking your example of not wanting to take her shower.
First she needs to say it to me respectfully, if she doesn't she simply doesn't get what she wants.
I'll remind her she needs to speak to me gently because I speak to her gently, I'll acknowledge she doesn't want to take her shower.
Once she asked respectfully then I know the emotion is passed and the logic circuit of her brain are back.
I'll then ask why she doesn't want to.
That's the part where she listen to her emotion herself.
If the reason is acceptable like she wants to go finish her drawing first I'll let her go. If she doesn't do it after the next time I'll say no.
If she just doesn't want to then I'll just sit there and wait, she has less patience than I do.
Kids are an ever changing challenge.
Its full of trying stuff and seeing what sticks.
Taking your example of not wanting to take her shower.
First she needs to say it to me respectfully, if she doesn't she simply doesn't get what she wants.
I'll remind her she needs to speak to me gently because I speak to her gently, I'll acknowledge she doesn't want to take her shower.
Once she asked respectfully then I know the emotion is passed and the logic circuit of her brain are back.
I'll then ask why she doesn't want to.
That's the part where she listen to her emotion herself.
If the reason is acceptable like she wants to go finish her drawing first I'll let her go. If she doesn't do it after the next time I'll say no.
If she just doesn't want to then I'll just sit there and wait, she has less patience than I do.
Kids are an ever changing challenge.
Its full of trying stuff and seeing what sticks.
@garycan Your interaction sounds identical to what happens here, especially reminding her how to speak. I often say “I’m not yelling at you, please don’t yell at me.” I usually try to wait til she’s calm to get to the next part (explain why and if you have a legit reason I’m all for it) but I guess the agony of waiting to get there gets to me and I egg her on without realizing sometimes.
Thank you for sharing your insight!
Thank you for sharing your insight!
@davida50 For a different perspective: I was this kid, and now in my 40's, I barely speak to my mom. I felt like all of my mom's parenting came out of a child development book and she expected to be able to script language to me and then I would reply on script, and that she didn't have to get to know me as a human being, and she wasn't making space for me to develop.
I consider myself a gentle parent, but my primary guiding parenting philosophy is: the kid is a person. I ask about my kid's feelings and engage with them, but in a way that's very analogous to how I speak to my partner or a close friend with genuine curiosity, and not as a way to manipulate them into doing what I want. If you're hearing from your daughter that the way you're approaching her feels patronizing, I would approach it the same way: "Oh my gosh, I never meant to make you feel that way, and I'm sorry. I do really need you to do X and Y [like shower], do you have any ideas about how to communicate about that which would feel more respectful to you?" And then listen, take her ideas seriously, and don't be afraid to regroup again if it's not working.
I also disagree that this sort of attitude is normal for age. My AFAB NB kiddo is 10, going on 11, and isn't perfect but always talks to us like we talk to them - with love and respect
I consider myself a gentle parent, but my primary guiding parenting philosophy is: the kid is a person. I ask about my kid's feelings and engage with them, but in a way that's very analogous to how I speak to my partner or a close friend with genuine curiosity, and not as a way to manipulate them into doing what I want. If you're hearing from your daughter that the way you're approaching her feels patronizing, I would approach it the same way: "Oh my gosh, I never meant to make you feel that way, and I'm sorry. I do really need you to do X and Y [like shower], do you have any ideas about how to communicate about that which would feel more respectful to you?" And then listen, take her ideas seriously, and don't be afraid to regroup again if it's not working.
I also disagree that this sort of attitude is normal for age. My AFAB NB kiddo is 10, going on 11, and isn't perfect but always talks to us like we talk to them - with love and respect