My kid basically told me to stop gentle parenting her

[davida50]

First let me say that I marked this flair "sad" because I currently feel sad about the situation, haha. It's more of a vent, but I welcome advice if anyone relates, so I didn't want to pick that flair.

Also, I know this might not be the top parenting sub for this, but this is the only parenting sub I actually belong to so I figured I'd start here.

My daughter is 8 and I am 36f. My career is in child development and teaching, and I have always taken a more gentle approach with her in parenting. I have always encouraged talking it out, give choices, worked hard to meet her where she's at developmentally, did not do much "time out", etc. I am also the default parent (due to situations outside of our control, my partner is most definitely an equal provider and as involved as possible) and the person she spends the most time with.

We recently went through some changes in the family and of course, her behavior has changed. I have expected that. I have also expected that she would change as she gets older, of course. But MAN, the ATTITUDE is h o r r i b l e. Tonight was no exception, for a number of predicted reasons but it ended with me raising my voice telling her to get in the shower, and when I met her in the bathroom she said, "Stop babying me! You treat me like a toddler, always asking me about my feelings and stuff. I am not a toddler!" I didn't even know how what to say! I just stared for a minute, dumbfounded, and then said, "If you don't want me to ask about your feelings then I won't. Get in the shower." and walked out of the bathroom.

Not my finest moment of course, but whatever. By the time we got to bedtime, she was still "off" but had calmed down, and kind of gave a half-assed apology on her own. Bed time was not the time to continue the convo so I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. I bet, like most situations, I'll stay up worrying about it and she won't even remember it in the morning!

If you have any advice I am here for all of it! If not, thanks for letting me vent to random strangers.

 

[kimmac23]

@davida50 Ooof as the parent of a daughter, I feel you.
So sweet so often and at times— wham! The attitude is just

Idk if it’s an official developmental phase but I definitely think all girls go through a time (or times) when the way mom does it is just wrong. We expect it at the teenage years but I feel like it can pop out during any transition— moreso for the big independence shifts.

Also— and disclaimer this is just my opinion, it’s not directed towards you personally and may not be applicable whatsoever but — food for thought i guess…. Some of the techniques and wordings of the popular “gentle parenting” techniques (as defined and scripted on social media anyway) ….I can see how they could feel patronizing and inauthentic, especially as kids get older. It kinda reminds me of speaking to HR and you can tell they’re using scripts and managing you and being really aboveboard about all their communication. It doesn’t feel good. you know it’s all just a job to them and that’s why it’s so empty and phony and jargon-y.

I think at age 8 the social and communication skills are sharp enough to detect this (again, if it’s happening ). It may make more sense for an 8 year old to hear an authentic “listen i worked all day and I’m tired, give me a break and get in the shower alright?” Over a forced, inauthentic validation about feelings they don’t need so much help managing anymore. And again not saying that’s exactly what happened here! BTW i think what you responded to her was actually perfect. You said it wasn’t your finest moment and I’m wondering why not? You heard what she asked for, affirmed it and set the boundary. Get in the shower. That’s the bottom line! Honestly she may feel more respected for your directness.

.

 

[davida50]

@kimmac23 Thank you for your response! I definitely do a mix of being realistic and scripting. You are probably right in that aspect. I appreciate the insight and solidarity. I AM a daughter and while I definitely remember feeling like “mom is always wrong” I NEVER would have said something like that to my mom. So, I guess good on me for allowing for more communication?

All kidding aside, I am going to think on your last sentence cause I think there’s definitely some validity there. If nothing else, it did get the point across!

 

[christianfamily]

@davida50 If it’s any consolation, I am also a daughter and was raised by a ~gentle parent~ and have a memory of a similar fight with my mom around late elementary or early middle school! With time and perspective I have so much respect for my mom and the way I was raised and the tools she instilled in me, but as a kid you can’t have that kind of perspective.

 

[davida50]

@christianfamily I really appreciate your perspective as an adult. Thank you!

 

[palomaespecial]

@davida50 In the same way that toddlers are gonna tantrum, kick, and scream, and older kid is gonna say mean and/or harsh things when they’re upset right? And sometimes it’s easy to tell when they’re just talking shit because they’re angry (“I hate you!”), but it can also be really hard to tell like in this case.

I would ask her at a time where she’s calm, in a really neutral way, how she feels about your approach to parenting/feelings check ins, etc. In the younger stages you are more in the teaching emotional regulation stage but by 8 she should have the fundamentals down and be practicing more. So she may find your approach infantilizing but have better ideas of how she would like you to discuss with her.

Or she may not have that insight and is just being a little snot. Which is also valid. Change is hard and prefrontal cortices are peanuts when you’re 8.

 

[davida50]

@palomaespecial YES thank you, your first paragraph is so true. It can be hard to know and then pick an appropriate response. At least for me. I do like your idea about asking. I think, knowing my kid, it’ll be a mix of real insight and a bit of snot. Haha.

 

[cathy1964]

@palomaespecial Maybe this is a clueless question, but why would you ask your child how they would like to be parented if you've already decided that gentle parenting aligns with your values? Isn't that a bit like a sailboat being blown around the ocean?

Or do you mean more of a discussion surrounding the exact words/tone used?

 

[tracey4g]

@davida50 A friend (my age) had a child same time as me, we are in our toddler years now and she keeps saying she doesn’t do gentle parenting like me. she mentioned to me before she really dislike her parents for being “too relax” with her. I feel like her parents were permissive parenting type, but we don’t talk much on this topic.
My understanding is she wanted to feel like her parents are in control, and the soft calm type of voice makes her feel anxious.
But yelling and shouting isn’t the answer.
I suggest you continue to speak to your child in a calm but firm manner, and remind her you’re her parent , you make the big decisions and it’s your job to keep her safe, it’s your job to be her parent. Like when she is throwing a tantrum because don’t want to leave the playground, saying things like “I know it’s really fun and you want to keep playing. you are angry and it’s okay be angry but not okay to hit me. it’s dinner time and we need to go now.”
rather then “you’re sad, you want to continue playing, want to talk about it?”
It’s still gentle parenting but just a different approach

 

[davida50]

@tracey4g Definitely agree with what you’re saying. In my mind I think I’m making it age appropriate but who knows if I actually I am. This is definitely something I’m going to work on and see if there’s a change.

 

[katrina2017]

@davida50 As the former "tough daughter" just say that then, word for word regarding making it age appropriate. It would have gone a long way if my mom would have just said, I'm trying, maybe I failed at that moment, but let me try again because I love you". But nope, she always had to be right.

 

[davida50]

@katrina2017 Oh no, I’m DEFINITELY not an “I’m always right” parent, or person in general. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves honestly. I am quick to apologize usually too. But I do very much appreciate your insight! Thanks for responding.

 

[unseenunknown]

@davida50 Welcome to the tween stages! Where they don’t actually execute, but don’t want you to nag them about it either. I think more likely she didn’t want you repeating the steps she knew she was supposed to be doing. She knows how to do them she was just taking her time/being lazy and didn’t want to hear about it.

I wouldn’t worry too much, just try to give more independence when you can and talk about your side too. How she would feel if you spoke that way etc, being kind to others and all of that.

Every once in a while it’s okay to raise your voice. They need to know your boundless and that you have feelings too.

Welcome to hormones!

 

[davida50]

@unseenunknown I am definitely going to work on the independence thing, for sure. Parenting is not for the weak! Another reason this kid is the only one.

 

[madepurethroughchrist]

@davida50 Try not to take it personally. My mom used to CRY and say “I guess you just hate me and I’m a bad mom” when I had an attitude. That’s an extreme example but it really had a bad effect on me. Be calm and present, set boundaries, and don’t get wrapped up in the 8-year-old-ness.

 

[davida50]

@madepurethroughchrist I definitely can’t help myself from crying sometimes but I would never say that stuff to her. I would just say it to myself as I’m crying behind closed doors. LOL no but seriously, thank you for the reminder.

 

[samalematina]

@madepurethroughchrist Ugh I struggle so hard with knowing whether I’m parenting the “right way.” Like I have no idea if what I’m doing is going to have a negative effect on her later down the line.

 

[davida50]

@samalematina It's scary right! But at least we care right? It has to show we are doing something right.

 

[samalematina]

@davida50 Right! I stress myself out by caring so much lol

 

[guidedbythelight]

@davida50 I wasn't allowed to have feelings. This all sounds pretty cool to me. Is this what fights look like in functional families? No, really.