My 9 y.o. daughter is worried about getting fat and every meal is a fight

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brigantine

New member
My 9 year-old-daughter, for the past six months or so, every meal is a fight with her. She doesn't want to eat anything. She always says she doesn't want to get fat. The thing is, she is nowhere near being fat.

We've talked about nutrition, calories, healthy eating. Printed out a BMI chart with her info on it. Have several conversations about all of this. At our last pediatricians check-up I asked the doctor, in front of her, if she was a healthy weight, if he had any concerns, and talked about what would be a healthy diet for her. With her and the doctor together.

It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. I ask her if she is not understanding the information we're giving her and she says she does. It doesn't change her behavior though. The very next day she's back to saying she doesn't want to be overweight, or saying she is overweight, and that eating (yes, just "eating") is unhealthy, etc.

She doesn't watch anything on TV or online where she would have picked this up. We ask if she has a friend at school who talks about being overweight and she says no. Wherever this is coming from, it's not coming from a rational evaluation of the facts and information we're giving her.

Can 9-year-olds have easting disorders? I always assumed anorexia developed from social pressure but does it just spontaneously develop? Does she really believe these things about herself or is she just making drama and repeating some horseshit she heard from somewhere else? I don't know where to go from here.

EDIT: Thanks for the input everyone. I am reading every reply.
 
@brigantine Assume she believes this and proceed as such. As for her not hearing you, she is, but our rational brains and our emotional brains don't communicate.

She probably picked it up from society in general, maybe at school, but it doesn't matter where she picked it up. It matters that you get her help now.

It's time for a specialist / therapist / outside help. If she IS faking it (although I have a hard time believing that's the case because I've known many young children with disordered eating as a teacher) then it'll become clear quickly.
 
@theflypsyde I disagree with you. She's 9. It's important to find out where this is coming from and cut it off. If it's a friend, limit exposure...TV? Easy turn it off or monitor closer. Etc.
 
@beaudoin Obviously finding out is important, but it's not going to shift what has happened, and the finding out part is more likely to come out in therapy and with professional support. It shouldn't be the focus right now, is what I meant.
 
@beaudoin Problem is even if you take the cause away, the damage has already started and been done. Turning off the tv or cutting off a specific friend isn't a lifelong solution and may even push her away further
 
@brigantine I remember sitting in the kitchen with a knife around 9/10 years old thinking maybe I could cut the fat out and I would have friends since my dad said losing weight would make people like me more(this is factually true by the way, but a shitty thing to say).

So yes, children can have eating disorders.
 
@brigantine My mom’s eating disorder developed before she was 9. It’s nearly killed her multiple times and in her older age she is still in treatment for it (and it still heavily impacts our family). Due to complications of her ED, I have been a caregiver for her for many years.

Please take your daughter’s concerns very seriously because the situation is very serious. She needs actual help from a qualified therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Eating disorders can literally be a life or death situation, and if you do not find one with this specialty it can do more harm than good. One with experience with children/youth would be most beneficial. If you have trouble finding someone in your immediate area, telehealth allows you to choose any provider licensed in your state, which would give you more options.

These directories are good places to start:

https://anad.org/get-help/treatment-directory/

https://www.aedweb.org/expert-directory

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/eating-disorders

You and your wife should consider therapy too. Eating disorders are like alcoholism in that they heavily, heavily impact the family unit (which you are already experiencing the effects of). But unlike someone with a substance use issue, someone with an eating disorder can’t “quit” a substance and move on. Someone with an eating disorder has to eat multiple times a day eat to live, and for many, it’s the very last thing they want to do. It’s why eating disorders are so difficult to treat and recover from. You’ll want help from someone with experience figuring out how to navigate the challenges of raising a daughter with an eating disorder, and how to not make things worse and inadvertently contribute to it.

In that vein I highly, highly recommend Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture by Virginia Sole-Smith, who also has a newsletter, Burnt Toast, and a podcast with the same name. Additionally, from my personal experience I’d suggest immediately removing any printouts, etc. with her BMI on it from her view and refrain from mentioning any specific numbers (BMI or weight), or having conversations where you try to convince her that she’s not fat. All of those things can be quite triggering for someone with an eating disorder who literally does not perceive the same reality as you. She will not be convinced by your logic or reason, and despite your best intentions, your attempts to make her feel better about her weight or her health in general may backfire and add fuel to the fire.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. Feel free to PM if you have any questions.
 
@brigantine I would say 9 year olds can definitely have eating disorders! Sounds like she might and could use the help of a therapist or specialist. And I wouldn't make meal time a place to fight about eating, though, you're probably just reinforcing it being a negative or stressful experience. Make it about talking and having fun together, if possible.
 
@brigantine I want to start by saying Renfrew is a fantastic eating disorder resource. I'd say most of my friends and I learned disordered eating habits fairly early. It could be coming from the women in her life talking about themselves being overweight/need to lose 5 lbs, or hearing people make nasty comments about others who are overweight. If she's hearing people talk down others who are bigger, then she might pick that up and be thinking "I don't want to be that." Girls pickup on this stuff very young - that self-worth is often tied to size in our society. I'd recommend looking at the Dove body image download kit and doing a lot of looking at how you describe yourselves and others in front of her.
 
@brigantine (Mum lurker here). I have distinct memories of having disordered thoughts around my weight from 3 year old kindergarten, they got progressively worse until I was very unwell as a young adult. I still have issues every now and then at 30. I have a younger cousin who also started to voice these concerns around 4 and has been hospitalised on and off most of her adult life.

What really worries me is that many of the trends from my childhood are coming back fashion wise- stick thin models, buccal fat removal, fashion trends that are only flattering if you are stick thin, celebrities are getting thinner again. Short of locking her in a basement you will not be able to stop you child seeing any of this, all you can do it give her the tools to recognise and respond to the negative thoughts as they arrive and help her feel confident in her body.

Maybe try getting her into a martial arts class like karate, there is nothing like feeling strong to help your self image.
 
@coolio87 Oh god, please don’t let the late 90s - early 00s body standards come back. Those were my formative years and that messed with my head for decades. Still does, to some degree.
 
@brigantine Yes, 9 year olds can have eating disorders. You might read the book Big Girl by Kelsey Miller, about a woman who lost about 20 years to her eating disorder.

How much diet culture is there in your household? How much fatphobia? How do you and your wife talk about fat people, or being fat? How do you talk about your own bodies? Have you ever praised a fat body in front of her? Is thin=healthy=good, and fat=unhealthy=bad?

Saying: "Don't worry, you're not fat" isn't helpful at all - you're making it worse. You're saying: if you were fat, you should be worried. If you do become overweight, that isn't healthy.

She needs therapy with someone specialized in eating disorders ASAP, and she may need inpatient treatment.

She also needs a total social media cleanse. She shouldn't have any access to YouTube, TikTok, or Instagram.
 
@brigantine Does she hear a lot of negative self talk from adults in her life? I remember going on my first diet at her age and counting calories and eating the same no sugar yogurts as my mom. I love my mom but she has never been happy in her body. She’s been dieting my whole life. Even now at her healthiest she still wants to lose another 15lbs. I get it she wants to have her 19 year old pre baby body. I grew up never feeling happy in my body because I never saw an example of a woman loving her body. I had my last baby 16 months ago and I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt in my body. I appreciate it for everything it’s been through. I don’t exercise to stay in shape. I do it because I enjoy it. I do hot yoga and pole dancing and I don’t care for the gym anymore. We model healthy food and exercise habits with our children. We talk about the importance of feeling good in your body and ask then what makes their body feel happy.
 
@brigantine She’s not thinking about this rationally, so helping her rationally (explaining healthy choices, having the doctor explain it, showing her health data) isn’t going to have the impact you would like.

Don’t stop doing that stuff, but also consider a therapist or similar. Your child is not well and needs mental health support.
 
@brigantine 100%. If OP wants save the next 15-20yrs of battle, get some pro therapy...she's old enough for talk therapy, but even play, music, sand tray, equine...a great therapist particularly one who specializes in child and/or bulemia/anorexia/overeating will be invaluable. Main takeaway is YOU SHOULD NOT BE BAD COP. That's the absolute bottom line worst thing, you're supposed to be who she runs too, not runs from
 
@brigantine RN here. I work in a primary care clinic, and part of my job is to complete monthly checkups for pediatric patients suffering from eating disorders. Children do develop eating disorders, and it's very important to get her help as soon as possible. The fact that she avoids food due to the perception that she is "fat" is a symptom of anorexia. Speak to her pediatrician to determine what resources are available. Having her see a social worker or a child therapist may be very helpful.
 
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