My 6 Year Old Daughter Doesn’t Like Me

[kayjones87]

Last night my daughter had a real heart-to-heart talk to me and in that she told me she sometimes doesn’t love me and will tell her friends she doesn’t. She wasn’t mad when she said this and said she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. She also talked about how their dad plays with them (being her and her brother) more, and how I’m boring (I try to play with them but it isn’t natural to me, and half the time I’m burnt out most days, plus dealing with depression). She said she loves her dad more and how when I’m gone she’ll miss me but when I’m back she wants me gone and sometimes wishes she had a different mommy. This wasn’t said maliciously, she was just trying to get things off her chest.
This comes on the heels of me feeling very taken for granted by my husband and me having to go NC (no contact) with my own parents, which has led to bad depression already and feelings of unwanted-ness. Sometimes I wonder if she blames me for us not seeing them anymore. Most of what I do is for her, and I feel just not wanted despite loving her more than anything…

 

[leematthew1234]

@kayjones87 How absolutely amazing that she felt comfortable enough to tell you that. Maybe you aren't the picture of love she has formed in her young head (fun no responsibilities), but you are definitely the love she needs and that conversation proves it (quiet confidence in your non judgemental listening).

It's tough. I once told my 3 year old she could tell me anything, and she replied "you wouldn't like it if I call you a monster." I asked if that's what she wanted to say and she nodded. I just had to thank her and deal with my feelings after she fell asleep.

Parenting is definitely not always fun. Dad's are stereotypically loving in the ways kids notice like being "fun". Realising your mum loves you is something you really take for granted until much later when you realise the person nagging you to put on suncream etc really cared for you

 

[kkr123]

@leematthew1234 I second this wholeheartedly. My 8 year old never hesitates to tell me how she thinks her inconsistent, unreliable father is more fun than I am.

But I'm the one she comes to when she's scared, when another kid is being mean to her, when she's worried about something, etc. She's also told me things like "You're always the one to take me to the doctor, Mom." She's becoming more aware of everything I do for her, for sure.

I'll take that over being the "fun" one any day

 

[riskyboots]

@leematthew1234 This. Realizing your mom loves you enough to lay down some BIG STUFF in front of her, and she will keep loving you after it’s said? That’s trust. That’s solid parenting.

 

[smmr1321]

@leematthew1234 I was thrilled And hurt when my kid said I was boring and asked when's daddy coming home. He's fun. I'm so glad we have all this open dialogue about her feelings. It stung though.

Things have been super hard on us all. First I had to find a home to house Grandma too, then daily hospital trips, calls with specialists, lawyer visits, having to up the move and only move in half way so grandma could come home on hospice while I care for her and we're stuck at home, then her having to move to a hospice house because she needed IV meds, her passing, all while trying to move small car loads in the evenings because the double rent for new and old, meant no movers this time. Both my husband working full time and me long weekends. Trying to set up the new house, cleaning both, painting things, arranging the cremation and headstone. Bank visits and notifying places about her death.

Still moving Today and everything is a mess and I have Not been fun. I've been so, so busy and she's had so much tv and tablet time she's bored of it too. I try and take moments out of every day for her. It isn't enough. I'm so glad she trusts me with her feelings but man do I feel like a failure.

 

[nickmiow]

@smmr1321 You are not a failure, you’re the opposite. You are moving mountains here so your family can be okay. That means you can’t be fun, for a while, period. Kid will get over it, please give yourself a break!

 

[smmr1321]

@nickmiow Thank you. I'm trying to give myself grace. I strive not to let comparison steal my joy. I know so many are doing so much every day, all day. I see people working full time and going to school, single momming with multiple kids. I feel like I fall short a lot. I struggle hard sometimes when I just can't muster the feats that seem to come so easily to others. I also have no village or family to rely on. At the end of the day it really is just my husband and I trying our best by ourselves.

 

[newmrscabrera]

@leematthew1234

How absolutely amazing that she felt comfortable enough to tell you that.

This is a lovely perspective.

 

[mrdenno86]

@leematthew1234 Exactly. OP I hope you can feel proud that you raised a daughter who is comfortable enough to talk to you about these things.

 

[quittercheckusa]

@leematthew1234 This is such a beautiful and compassionate response and one I really needed to hear! Thank you. I hope it helps OP, too.

 

[jag]

@kayjones87 It’s a real testament to how much she trusts you that she’s so open with you. I know it hurts. Kids can be SO harsh (I have a 2.5 year old who has always preferred Dad). Just keep assuring her you love her no matter what. She’ll learn in time.

 

[benjaminb]

@kayjones87 My daughter has told me very matter of fact a few times over the years that she would like me better if I wasn't so annoying. But she still asks for me when she's feeling terrible. She's 12.

You don't have to be liked. You just have to be the secure base from which they can spread their wings and fly. And if she feels safe telling you all her feelings, you're knocking it out of the park, OP.

 

[jette26]

@kayjones87 Hey, bromo.

Our job is not to be liked. Our job is to raise indendant littles, who become people who interact with others. Our job is to help guide them in finding their voice and giving them the freedom to explore themselves while still giving them the boundaries that keep them safe.

Can take a moment to appreciate that you have done this? Your SIX year old is capable and comfortable enough with you to tell you how she feels. Feelings are a river, and they flow through us in different ways. She said this to you today, but tomorrow will be different. I don't always like my kids, but I love them. Today, she wasn't 100% on the mom train. Tomorrow will be different. Either way, you're doing one hell of a job

 

[theundecided]

@kayjones87 I get it. That is just so hard to hear. Sometimes they just don’t see the whole picture or understand that we are doing the best we can. I think it’s important to acknowledge these types of feelings and thank them for being honest with you. But also tell them how much you love them and that love doesn’t always look like fun and play. Love means making sure physical needs are being met, teaching them to be good humans and accepting someone for who they are.

 

[make865329]

@kayjones87 Oof! That’s hard to hear. I feel like sometimes this is a bit of a phase/developmental stage. When my daughter was 12 she told me that when she was in grade 1 (age 6) she thought she had to manage everything because I wasn’t able to. I asked her what she meant and she said she just didn’t feel like I was any good at managing the house, her brother, meals, anything. She then told me that she realized she was wrong and in fact that I managed everything. Then she thanked me.

Honestly, during that time period that she was referencing, things were really stressful with her dad (we were broken up by then) and work was busy, I was depressed and things were tough. Her dad was also the fun dad. In fact my nickname was “fun buster” because I was the one who insisted on bedtime, mealtime, etc.

I think she’s beginning to see herself as an individual and seeing you as one as well. It doesn’t mean that what they say doesn’t hurt, but it’s fantastic she trusted you enough to share that with you.

 

[beardedbloke]

@kayjones87 Don’t believe most things a 6 y old says when emotional and exhausted before bed. They’re like little drunks. She loves you. In the morning tell her you love her so much.

 

[sewblessed13]

@kayjones87 Oh it is so hard to hear these thoughts, though I agree with another poster it likely isn’t the truth how she is saying it.

I share the next part with no judgement (my partner is much better at “play” than I am too!). You mention depression and maybe that has had an impact on your relationship with her. Are you in therapy? You might consider looking into (or asking your therapist) about PCIT therapy providers near you for a referral. PCIT therapy or Parent, Child interaction therapy works with both the child and the parent, with coaching for the parent. It might help you build some tools for the times when you are exhausted and spent but your daughter is looking for connection. Something to look into if it sounds interesting.

 

[kayjones87]

@sewblessed13 I’m in between therapists right now as we get prepared to move. I’m looking into EMDR next.

 

[tbvsthienloc2020]

@kayjones87 I’m saving this post to reread comments when my currently 15mo old inevitably breaks my heart. Thank you all you experienced parents for offering all this support.

 

[doubledogdare]

@kayjones87 Kids take the dependable parent for granted because the can’t conceive of what their life would be like without you. Sometimes I feel like it’s just as well, because if they thought about how dependant they are, it might be scary.

I too have a daughter about that age who tells me she doesn’t love me very much. So I’ve spent some time thinking about it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s normal in a lot of parental relationships for the parent to have way stronger feelings towards the kid than the kid does towards the parent.

I love my mom, but I never truly appreciated or realized how much she loved me until I had my own kids.

I’ve been working to find peace with it, but I also have the advantage that my other kid is a total love bug, which can soften the blow on some of what my daughter says.