@onlyjesus316 Yes! Say what they may not have the words for yet!
I was amazed my 18 month old was helped by doing this
I was amazed my 18 month old was helped by doing this
My 2.5 year old is a DICTATOR and it’s hurting our relationship
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iamthankful
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@onlyjesus316 I just want to chime in and say sorry you’re going through this. I’m really sensitive too and I’ve tried walking on eggshells to avoid tantrums. It really doesn’t work, but I’ve tried! It only gives the kid more fuel and power. I’m currently working on asking my child to speak kindly to me- if she doesn’t ask in a kind voice, or if she doesn’t say please or thank you, I’m not doing whatever her chaotic demand is in that moment. I tell her that she has to treat me with respect the same way I treat her with respect. But it’s definitely a daily struggle.
onlyjesus316
New member
@iamthankful Walking on eggshells to avoid tantrums - I feel this. I think I’m doing it more than I realize. We are working on the nice voice but I need to be more consistent.
@onlyjesus316 I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but I just wanted to say how grateful I am to see your post and the responses. My 2 year old (27 months) is incredibly aware, verbal, strong willed, and really feels his feelings. I see the other children his age at the library, play groups, or within our circle of friends and always wonder what I’m doing wrong because they always seem to just do the thing their parents need them to do. Time to clean up? Sure. Time to get in the car seat? Alright. You need to change my diaper? Let me lay still and quiet on this changing table for you. If they protest, it’s incredibly brief, whereas my child could go on for hours.
We do all the things that we’re supposed to do: Offering choices, sticking to the boundary, gentle but firm, yadda yadda, but it’s still hard when you look around and feel like your kid is the ONLY one who acts this way. It’s just nice to see from the other comments that we aren’t alone and that it does get better.
We do all the things that we’re supposed to do: Offering choices, sticking to the boundary, gentle but firm, yadda yadda, but it’s still hard when you look around and feel like your kid is the ONLY one who acts this way. It’s just nice to see from the other comments that we aren’t alone and that it does get better.
onlyjesus316
New member
@samkruger This is exactly what I’ve struggled with since he was born. I also noticed from speaking with friends the relativity mindset we have regarding our own experiences with children and motherhood. Because motherhood (parenthood) IS hard in general. But my friend will complain about how difficult her daughter was as a newborn and I’ve spent a lot of time with her. To me, she seemed like the easiest and most chill baby I’ve ever come across. Had some issues with eating and didn’t want to sleep in a crib but was happy, could ride in the car for hours no problem and when she cried it was hardly even inaudible it was so soft vs my son who could trigger car alarms with his shrieking.
But then I always try to remember that someone probably even has it worse than I do too and it also was quite hard for her I’m sure. Because it’s all in relativity. This is the mindset that carried me through. It’s reassuring to hear others here sharing their story and the advice has given me a lot of needed reflection.
But then I always try to remember that someone probably even has it worse than I do too and it also was quite hard for her I’m sure. Because it’s all in relativity. This is the mindset that carried me through. It’s reassuring to hear others here sharing their story and the advice has given me a lot of needed reflection.
@onlyjesus316 I'm sorry I don't have much advice but solidarity as we have SOME of this but not to the extent you are talking about. I'm imagining if this was constant (possibly to come in the next few months!) and I just don't know how I would keep my patience. It WILL get better though, every phase we go through I am reminded of that when we come out the other side even though this might be a long one !
But just to say, I do let her just scream it out alot. It even happened at target the other day and she did a full sprawl-on-the-ground meltdown because she wanted me to carry her. Wouldn't walk, wouldn't sit in the cart either. I couldn't manage it all the way to checkout with the cart and carrying her. I carried her to a quiet area of the store and let her have it out for a bit and she got it out of her system and then I even managed to get her in cart after a hug and some quiet chats.
What a pleasant shopping trip!
What a pleasant shopping trip!
onlyjesus316
New member
all the kindness is really gluing back together some of the pieces of my shattered spirits.joint_praise
New member
@onlyjesus316 My kids both benefited greatly from preschool. Is that an option? Even if it’s just a few hours a week, he’ll get to be around other kids and see everyone following rules and it’s a change of scenery and breaks up the routine. Both of mine LOVE school and thrive in environments with peers and in a new setting with some structure created by their teachers.
@onlyjesus316 It sucks, but this is totally normal developmental behaviour. It is so so hard. Pick your battles for sure, not everything needs to be a learning opportunity.
Read “Good Inside” by Dr Becky. Seriously tons of good advice for handling tantrums and holding boundaries. It’s been a game changer for parenting my 4 and 2.5 year olds.
Read “Good Inside” by Dr Becky. Seriously tons of good advice for handling tantrums and holding boundaries. It’s been a game changer for parenting my 4 and 2.5 year olds.
@onlyjesus316 So, I don’t know much about this “gentle parenting” thing, but can’t you just say “no” and walk away when he’s doing the MOMMY HOLD ME thing? When he’s dictating that he NEEDS to buckle the top buckle…can’t you just buckle him in and let him melt down? I feel like a lot of this has been created by you letting him boss you around. As to diaper and socks being a struggle, it always was for us, too, and probably a lot of folks, simply cuz little kiddos are high-energy and squirmy. Tell him you’ll give him cereal when he’s polite and asks for it nicely, because starting today, you’re not doing anything for him when he DEMANDS it in that tone. And do like somebody suggested here, and get some noise-canceling earbuds for when he’s throwing a fit. I kinda think you’ve given him too much autonomy. You’re the parent. Your house, your rules. You don’t need to do what he says, ever.
desperate80
New member
onlyjesus316
New member
@thanvi I guess this is one of those things where I can’t find the line between it being him bossing me or me giving him autonomy. Like choosing my battles here. He has such an extremely strong drive to do everything himself since a young age. I’ve always let him do everything. And if I were to take over every last thing then I would create so many more meltdowns in my day. The buckle thing is something I’m like “why can’t he do it?” Vs the demanding me to hold him right this instant of course I’m like “no. I cannot hold you right now. I will when I’m finished”
mechchicken
New member
@onlyjesus316 I feel like there are a couple issues. One, it sounds like you might have postpartum depression? I'd definitely talk to a doctor about how you're feeling. Two, I feel like you need to be more flexible, for you, for your son, and for your relationship.
He wants cereal, okay that's fine. Why is it an argument?
He want a different sort of egg. Ok, ask what kind he wants before you cook it. Why is that a source of frustration? You have preferences too, right? Why can't he have any?
He wants to be independent and help? Awesome! He wants to crack an egg, stir, the on the TV? Fabulous, he's developing into a wonderful, independent human, just like you should want!
It sounds more like you are the one with control issues, and you are perhaps actually the root of your problem. I know that's difficult to hear, but if you seek help for yourself, your entire life will be better. As will your son's.
He wants cereal, okay that's fine. Why is it an argument?
He want a different sort of egg. Ok, ask what kind he wants before you cook it. Why is that a source of frustration? You have preferences too, right? Why can't he have any?
He wants to be independent and help? Awesome! He wants to crack an egg, stir, the on the TV? Fabulous, he's developing into a wonderful, independent human, just like you should want!
It sounds more like you are the one with control issues, and you are perhaps actually the root of your problem. I know that's difficult to hear, but if you seek help for yourself, your entire life will be better. As will your son's.
onlyjesus316
New member
@mechchicken I don’t agree at all. Because I left out the context that on a daily basis, I give him loads and loads of choices and autonomy. He always helps me with everything and I let him do pretty much everything I would do. Since he was a young baby I’ve always let him help me and do everything just as I would. Giving him autonomy and real world practice is one of the most important things to me as a parent so I maybe even go a little overboard sometimes letting him do everything.
Trying to think of an example but even just grocery shopping he gets to pick the cart, put the groceries in the cart, put the groceries in the belt and insert my card. At home when we’re cooking, he always helps me. He does everything, gets everything out, measures, mixes, throws things away, sorts recycling, we’re both covered in a mess - it’s ok. If I get a package he helps me bring it in, I let him cut it open with his scissors, we do it together. He likes to be the one to turn the tv on, pause it, turn it off. Etc. Anyway imaginable that he can be part of things with me, he will be part of it.
I definitely agree that I have some control issues but I do take pride in the level of autonomy I give him because I recognized from a very young age this was critical to his nature and personality and he truly thrives on it.
I’m staying with my grandma right now (visiting) so that was the example I pulled from the other day. I usually always ask him for specifics. Like another commenter said, I probably even give him TOO many choices. The cereal thing, I don’t really keep cereal in my house but he wanted essentially sugar for breakfast and I am a pretty health conscious person, so I have a personal boundary there. He definitely gets lots of treats and he’s had cereal plenty so don’t come for me lol.
Trying to think of an example but even just grocery shopping he gets to pick the cart, put the groceries in the cart, put the groceries in the belt and insert my card. At home when we’re cooking, he always helps me. He does everything, gets everything out, measures, mixes, throws things away, sorts recycling, we’re both covered in a mess - it’s ok. If I get a package he helps me bring it in, I let him cut it open with his scissors, we do it together. He likes to be the one to turn the tv on, pause it, turn it off. Etc. Anyway imaginable that he can be part of things with me, he will be part of it.
I definitely agree that I have some control issues but I do take pride in the level of autonomy I give him because I recognized from a very young age this was critical to his nature and personality and he truly thrives on it.
I’m staying with my grandma right now (visiting) so that was the example I pulled from the other day. I usually always ask him for specifics. Like another commenter said, I probably even give him TOO many choices. The cereal thing, I don’t really keep cereal in my house but he wanted essentially sugar for breakfast and I am a pretty health conscious person, so I have a personal boundary there. He definitely gets lots of treats and he’s had cereal plenty so don’t come for me lol.
somanyblessings
New member
@onlyjesus316 I totally can relate. It's mentally exhausting having to barter from the moment you wake up until you go to bee. I stay up so late after he goes to bed just to sit in the silence because I don't have much time away from him. You're not alone!!
misterfred
New member
@onlyjesus316 So much great advice from other parents/carers in here! We have a Battle of Wills a lot too, and it has now moved to acceptance while screaming. Cue my ears needing a break sometimes. Do we want to go to school? Nope, but it's going to happen. We also have A LOT of transition issues, to the point it is very hard to take our kid anywhere new. Want to go get bagels at a new place in a new way? N O P E. Did we bring a toy with us? Yup. How did we get through some of the fit - "What can your toy discover at the bagel shop? Can you show your toy how to sit in a booth/in a chair? Do you think your toy will find... napkins?! What else can we find at a place we eat?"
Asking questions needs to be after the peak of the fit as we're finally settling down and can talk about things. It helps to pick things you know will be there as a way of preparing them for the event - this works with food routines, bedtime, etc. Mind you we are SO not at 100% efficacy. If we hit 75% I am thrilled.
Also, our control crazy kiddo has a lot of those same traits as your son. So smart, so observant, and definitely knows the buttons. The carrying thing led me to actually getting some inflamed foot issues so I was medically told not to carry my kid. W O W did that not go well for about 2 days and now I get this pitiful, "Does your foot still hurt? I want you to carry me." So we cuddle on the couch or I get down on the floor and we snuggle right there. It has taken MANY tantrums to get to this point.
I agree with another poster who said to try moments you can really stay strong. It sounds like there are a lot of instances where there are total melt downs. Start with a few, write them down if you have to, and stick to your rule. His attitude will change and he will start to accept certain limits. At 2.5, kids are discovering their autonomy and ability to be their own person, so there is A LOT of pushback and boundary testing. Some kids are such quiet learners while others are vocal the point of you wonder if they are only quiet when asleep. Stay strong.
Asking questions needs to be after the peak of the fit as we're finally settling down and can talk about things. It helps to pick things you know will be there as a way of preparing them for the event - this works with food routines, bedtime, etc. Mind you we are SO not at 100% efficacy. If we hit 75% I am thrilled.
Also, our control crazy kiddo has a lot of those same traits as your son. So smart, so observant, and definitely knows the buttons. The carrying thing led me to actually getting some inflamed foot issues so I was medically told not to carry my kid. W O W did that not go well for about 2 days and now I get this pitiful, "Does your foot still hurt? I want you to carry me." So we cuddle on the couch or I get down on the floor and we snuggle right there. It has taken MANY tantrums to get to this point.
I agree with another poster who said to try moments you can really stay strong. It sounds like there are a lot of instances where there are total melt downs. Start with a few, write them down if you have to, and stick to your rule. His attitude will change and he will start to accept certain limits. At 2.5, kids are discovering their autonomy and ability to be their own person, so there is A LOT of pushback and boundary testing. Some kids are such quiet learners while others are vocal the point of you wonder if they are only quiet when asleep. Stay strong.
onlyjesus316
New member
@misterfred I LOVE your advice. It’s spot on. This method works really well with him too. He always resists everything at first if it wasn’t his idea. Even just going to the grocery store or doing something fun. We also went to get bagels yesterday and he resisted at first
even in the shop he wanted to stand up and watch the bagels being made, he wanted to pick the seat, he didn’t want butter on his bagel, he wanted to be the one to cut it etc. (I’m like wow it really never ends lol).
But at first It’s always “nooo I don’t want to do that/go there” but once he’s past the peak and he’s had a few minutes to work through his big feelings we can start getting him interested like “I wonder what kind of bagel the robot wants to get?” Since he’s really obsessed with robots right now. Or “do you want to bring your green robot or the red robot in the car? Can they help you put your shoes on? How about the green one does the left shoe and the red one does the right shoe” it’s honestly exhausting to play mental games with him all the time, you’re right it’s never 100%. But it certainly does help.
I’m really sorry about your foot. I have a whole host of issues myself from it all. When I look in the mirror my entire right hip is stuck shifted to the right and my lower left rib to the left (my whole waist is diagonal) as if I’m balancing him on my right hip. I used to baby wear him for several hours a day and still wore him when going out around 2 years old but my neck and shoulder pain is so bad and he’s too heavy I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m going to be crippled down the road at this rate
even in the shop he wanted to stand up and watch the bagels being made, he wanted to pick the seat, he didn’t want butter on his bagel, he wanted to be the one to cut it etc. (I’m like wow it really never ends lol). But at first It’s always “nooo I don’t want to do that/go there” but once he’s past the peak and he’s had a few minutes to work through his big feelings we can start getting him interested like “I wonder what kind of bagel the robot wants to get?” Since he’s really obsessed with robots right now. Or “do you want to bring your green robot or the red robot in the car? Can they help you put your shoes on? How about the green one does the left shoe and the red one does the right shoe” it’s honestly exhausting to play mental games with him all the time, you’re right it’s never 100%. But it certainly does help.
I’m really sorry about your foot. I have a whole host of issues myself from it all. When I look in the mirror my entire right hip is stuck shifted to the right and my lower left rib to the left (my whole waist is diagonal) as if I’m balancing him on my right hip. I used to baby wear him for several hours a day and still wore him when going out around 2 years old but my neck and shoulder pain is so bad and he’s too heavy I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m going to be crippled down the road at this rate
misterfred
New member
@onlyjesus316 Help from toys is such a great idea! I agree the creative exercises and hoops we have to jump through can be a lot. Our bodies take some serious beatings in these early years. I try to do little 15-20 min stretches to help sort out my own tweaks and pains and it helps a lot. And you never know when that stretch sessions becomes a new game your kid wants to do too. My kid doesn't want to join me, but will let me finish... usually. Some of them I can do while still playing games/building with blocks, so that helps too.
I don't know how some parents get their kid to do such independent play times. We have only briefly started in on that. (I get that multiples play together and can provide that socialization, but not all kids have that built in playmate).
I don't know how some parents get their kid to do such independent play times. We have only briefly started in on that. (I get that multiples play together and can provide that socialization, but not all kids have that built in playmate).
joakdailey
New member
@onlyjesus316 Hugs. Toddlers can be soooooo frustrating. To me it sounds like you are giving him too many choices and too much power. Children become anxious when they feel there aren't tight enough boundaries in place. They deep down don't really WANT to be in charge, it makes them feel unsafe. Let him know that you are the parent, you are in charge. Not him. For example, I do not let my kids pick what they eat for breakfast. They eat what I give them, the end. I don't let them tell me what to do. I tell them, I'm your mom, you don't tell me what to do. Don't give in. Once they know you mean what you say 100% of the time, it should get easier . Be strong , you got this!