Is my ex being reasonable with her demands of meeting anyone I’d have around our kids before they’d meet them?

[athena1312138]

Hi so my ex and I share custody of our three children who are 3, 2, and 1. We have equal split custody. I have friends with kids and a woman I’ve been seeing for a couple of months who I would love to very slowly introduce in the future. Here’s the thing, my ex wants to meet and have meetings with every single person I’d have around my children when she’s not there. She wants to know them so “that they cannot do anything to harm our kids while I’m (her) not there”. It’s to the point I can’t make plans to do fun stuff with my children or invite my friends with kids to my oldests party without her meeting them first. She also has a super long list of rules that bars everything except for basically looking at my kids in fear of someone doing something to them. I’m at a complete loss here and really looking for advice on how to proceed bc she is very controlling and it seems like this is another way for her to control my actions and time

Edit: fortunately I’m not introducing any love interest any time soon. This is just something that came up and mostly concerns my friends and potential partners in the distant future.

 

[halterfr33]

@athena1312138 Besides you choosing to comply, how can she enforce all of these rules and expectations?

I'm guessing she can't.

 

[athena1312138]

@halterfr33 She can’t other than calling me a disrespectful piece of crap who doesn’t respect her as a mother it’s a stupid cycle that drives me crazy and I don’t even know what to do about it other than ignore it

 

[halterfr33]

@athena1312138 Then it sounds like you could do with improving your boundaries. There are lots of free and paid resources available on the topic online. Your LO will need help to learn how to process and respond to mom's behavior so this will ultimately benefit them.

The boundary issue is probably a factor in you choosing a partner who is that controlling to begin with.

 

[saddle]

@athena1312138 Did you try couples therapy

 

[adrianuk]

@athena1312138 Ignoring any request that is in the best interest of your very young children does make you a disrespectful POS.

 

[followingtruth]

@athena1312138 My son’s father lost the right to information the moment he stuck his thang where it don’t belong.

Make sure it’s not in your parenting agreement.

If you’re just filing it, that means it’s new. Resist the urge to introduce new folks fast.

 

[stefana]

@athena1312138 When did you split?

What does your court order say about specifics?

 

[jhouse]

@athena1312138 If you don’t have a court ordered agreement and instead rely on a verbal one, file immediately. Some parents are able to co parent without the order, a lot can’t.

No, she can’t force you to introduce everyone to her before your children. It’s your job to make sure your children are safe when they are with you and that includes making sure the people you bring around them are safe.

 

[athena1312138]

@jhouse We just notorized our custody agreement so we can use it for medical insurance and everything. We turn it into the court on Monday.

 

[chosenforyou]

@athena1312138 Does your custody and access agreement detail holidays, father's day, mother's day, sick days, summer vacation, march break, mediated outcomes?

Does it detail who's contact address will be used as the primary address for school? If you can attend school and recreational activities together?

If it does, and it was drafted by at minimum your own lawyer, or both your lawyers, then wait until it's court stamped, and then stop communicating on this subject. "As per our court order, ...", "Thank you for reaching out, k-thx-bye" is your new go-to.

 

[jhouse]

@athena1312138 I do not discuss my personal life with my children’s father. My partner is my choice. I am not a child that needs their approval to date. If he sends an email about it, I ignore it. I am not obligated to reply to anything that is not related to our children. I am not going to reply to it because he will just feel entitled to more. It wasn’t long ago that he felt he should know the contents of my fridge and pantry, my work schedule, our daily schedule minute by minute, about my finances, and the list goes on. Why would he need to know that I wake up at 4:30am or that I run on the treadmill for 30 minutes every morning? Does he really need to know what time the kids wake up and have breakfast? The exact minute we leave for daycare? How it that related to caring for our children? It’s not. But at one time I tried to co parent with him and do anything I could to make it work, even if it meant letting him feel like he could control everything. Now I just do whatever I want. We are much happier. He’s pretty pissed most of the time though.

Draw a line and refuse to let them cross it or they will constantly move it.

 

[heavensvoice]

@athena1312138 That doesn’t mean the judge will agree to it.

 

[rachelred827]

@athena1312138 I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure she cannot dictate what you do on your time

Do you drink, do drugs, run with a rough crowd? I hope not, if so I'd advise you not expose your children to any of that.

2 months is not long to have known someone and while I might introduce my children to a person I was dating it would be a lot longer timeframe before I would leave them alone with that person. Until my children could talk they were only with me or my parents and 1 lady I'd known all my life. While I can understand the concerns your ex has I do think she's going overboard.

 

[athena1312138]

@rachelred827 I have no plans to introduce her any time soon. It came up somehow, I’m not even sure how it came up honestly but I don’t plan on it for a long time. I don’t drink or run with a rough crowd at all. I literally have 3 friends and one is my 16 year old brother the other two are employees that have worked for me for years that she just hasn’t met but they have kids of a similar age. I’ve connected with neighbors that have kids too and she wants to basically interview them all before they come near our children. It’s almost too much for me to even fathom the logistics of trying to meet her demands…that’s why I was wondering if it’s even reasonable and at this time it doesn’t seem like she’s being reasonable

 

[rachelred827]

@athena1312138 Sounds like she's unreasonable. You always have the option of going pretty much no contact. All communication is strictly about the children and handled thru a parenting app.

She trusted you enough to have 3 children with you, now she needs to trust you to act in their best interest.

 

[adrianuk]

@rachelred827 This is not true, if it’s written in the parenting agreement it can be enforced and OP can lose rights if he continuously violates a parenting court order.

 

[rachelred827]

@adrianuk I think it would be very difficult to obtain a parenting agreement in which your coparent meets first ANY person your children might be around while on your parenting time. Especially since the OP probably would not agree to that stipulation.

 

[adrianuk]

@rachelred827 It’s was super simple actually. The only reason anyone on this thread is giving for why they don’t agree is in some way to “punish” the other parent. Not one mention of a reason pertaining to the child.

 

[terryhueffed]

@athena1312138 No, she is not reasonable

Meeting people does not make them safer.

The rules thing really depends on the rules but seems very controlling.