Is my ex being reasonable with her demands of meeting anyone I’d have around our kids before they’d meet them?

[agapebondservant]

@athena1312138 Iv been through this, does she introduce you to everyone shes around? I doubt it, and it usually means she doesn't have much going on. You just have to tell her that you are the father and when the kids are with you she needs to trust your judgement. There's nothing she can do other than be upset with you. As long as you keep your kids safety and mental health the number one priority, that's all that matters. With that said, I wouldn't introduce kids to any dates until you have been with them at least 6 months and are semi sure they are going to stick around.

 

[katrina2017]

@athena1312138 She cannot enforce these rules nor will a judge agree to them. Do everything through email so you don’t have to deal with her insults?

 

[saddle]

@athena1312138 Your children are still very young. I understand your side but I also see 3 very small young children confused and probably hurt and are trying to adjust to everything. What’s the rush? Would you want the same from her?

 

[airvian]

@athena1312138 Would it help you to read the 60+ texts I got from my ex with zero response about how she is still trying to control my life? She has no power over your choices that you don't give to her.

I wouldn't introduce another woman to my kids unless I was very serious but my ex's preference on the matter would have zero impact on my decision.

 

[lovemy4girls]

@athena1312138 The part I'm confused by is ... Are these are people who are going to be with your kids without you there? Like in the function of a caregiver or babysitter?

Your post is a little confusing on that point. If it's just people who are going to be around and you are still the primary caregiver then this is ridiculous.

If she's talking about wanting a say in who you leave such young children completely alone with, that's very reasonable. Especially the non verbal ages when they can't even tell you if something is off.

Most people will tell you that the golden rule of divorce is not telling the other person how to parent and not letting them tell you what goes on at your house, but I find that doesn't really work for me. We like to coordinate a little bit, but it's always that we both agree. For example, we have an agreed upon bedtime that we stick to both houses, and there are some basic expectations that we try to stay consistent with.

Now that my daughter is nearly 10 years old, I don't feel the same pressure to pre-approve a caregiver as I did when she was small so that's not something we coordinate anymore.

 

[jwb725]

@athena1312138 So here's my 2 cents..

When the kids are with you, your in charge. If you want to have them meet someone, do it. Trust your gut. And more then likely your ex is trying to be controlling.

When my ex and I split, my statement to her was she should date someone 3-4 months minimal ideally 6 months before introducing them to the kids.. As at least stats wise if a relationship doesn't last 3, it doesn't last much more. She was like fine, but after that she wanted me to meet whomever first.. I'm like ok... (my thought was to avoid having kids meet a dozen guys/ladies that would come in and out of their lives)

So last month, my stbx told me she was dating a guy (I think honestly only for a week or two) told me she wanted me to meet him. When I did she told me that as soon as the divorce is final (which she's been dragging out for 6 years) then she's going to marry the guy. He's an ok guy, besides that who knows. And since that conversation she's been texting me daily asking if the next step in divorce is done. Has the lawyer contacted you etc..

So anything you ask/mandate of your ex, or she asks to mandate of you. Is nothing. And truthfully will probably not give you the same respect you have for her and her choices.

 

[adrianuk]

@athena1312138 No, they are too young to articulate or speak for themselves. Her request is 100000% valid. The sad part is that SOME people use this request as a form on control vs child safety. I would never allow my child to be alone with anyone that I haven’t met. I used to work with abused children and 95/100 were abused by someone they or the parents thought that they could trust.

 

[childoflight555]

@athena1312138 I think it’s totally reasonable to want to met your partner before they’re spending time alone with the kids…. But EVERYONE is a stretch.

 

[kingcharleshead]

@athena1312138 Meeting a potential long term partner? Not that unreasonable or unusual. A long list of demands surrounding friends? No. Not reasonable or usual.

 

[saywhat1]

@athena1312138 You are either freshly divorced or in the process so the fact that you are bringing new people in the kids lives so soon is a bit concerning. It sounds like your ex may be concerned with your lack of judgement in moving on so quick and the impact on your kids who are babies. You had 3 kids in 3 years have been separated for very little time and are already thinking about a new woman in your kids lives.

While your ex may have zero legal standing to ask- you have 17 years of coparenting ahead of you. This is all fresh and emotions are raw. Does this new gal pal of 2 months have her own kids?

Again her you likely don’t have to comply with her ask but I would pump the brakes a little. I have never asked to meet my exes women but it’s always a little unnerving to roll up to a school event and have some random gal hugging our kids.

You could easily provide enough information to comfort your ex while respecting boundaries. For example - I have been seeing someone for the past 6-7 months and I plan to slowly introduce her to the kids. Her name is ……. She has ….. kids of her own and respects that you are our children’s mom. Please respect that I love our children and would not bring anyone around them I don’t trust. If the need for you to interact with her comes up I would ask that you are respectful to her and cordial.

 

[jesusismysavior]

@athena1312138 She's being totally unreasonable. You two are not together, and you are free to parent as you see fit when the kids are in your custody. Which includes determining who to bring around your children. If there is a valid concern for the children's safety, she may have a leg to stand on (like if you are bringing your kids around a drug addict). But no, people don't need to be screened by her. You're the parent during your custody time and you make the call.

I feel this is common in coparenting relationships though. Parents have trouble accepting that they don't have control when the children are not in their custody.

I would just ignore her.

 

[dhkkim]

@athena1312138 Do you get to meet anyone she plans to have around the children first? If you're not talking about love interests, she's being seriously unreasonable and I would definitely doubt she would hold herself to the same rules.

 

[fockerjv]

@athena1312138 If it isn't in any custody or parental agreement, you aren't required to do this. Truthfully, all you really have to do is consider her request and choose to deny it if it's unreasonable. I understand that it may be difficult for her to not be around her children all the time or have any control of who is around her children because you both aren't together, however this does not justify making you jump through hoops when you're trying to just spend time with your kids. You are both equal parents and if you have to trust her to keep your kids safe while they are in her care, she needs to do the same. You need to establish some boundaries so you both feel that you are being heard and respected.

 

[zg713]

@athena1312138 I don’t think that’s a reasonable request. She cannot dictate who you date or hang out with, which is effectively what she’s going to do but using the kids as pawns to do it.

If you had a history of bringing home new girls all
The time and the kids saw the revolving door of hookups then I wouldn’t blame her for the request, that doesn’t seem like the case here though.

 

[jjp297]

@athena1312138 Get a court order. She cannot control your life with your kids in regards to this. You need to have defined terms and arrangements for custody.

How is she somehow the harbinger of people who will bring harm to your kids. When parents separate they have to accept a loss of control on things related to their kids, it appears she did not get the message.

Have your own parties and invite your tribe. Your ex can do what the hell she wants, but she cannot force compliance of you do not agree

 

[torahman]

@athena1312138 Question: Does she insult you if you comply and insult you if you don't comply with her rules? If so, you will be insulted either way, so make memories with your kids. Stop over analyzing it and don't be afraid to have a good happy life with your kiddos. Let her decide to be a bitter lemon if she chooses to. Take her list, find what is reasonable, healthy for the kids, and in line with your own way of parenting. The rest of it, either choose to tell her you will not be complying with those rules and give her the reasons why or just live your life and deal with the insults as they come. Hell, make it a positive thing and put a certain amount of money in a jar every time she insults you. A quarter, a dollar. That turns into some seriously effective savings.

As far as a love interest goes, it is respectful to introduce them to the other parent, but not required. These restrictions on your life with the kids will only go as far as you let them. And you need to set boundaries now before involving any love interest in this aspect of your life. I was a step mom and I got thrown right in the middle of the cannon fodder between them. I was like a free family therapist/punching bag for a decade. I am now divorced. It wasn't the only reason, but it played a big part in the divorce, particularly because the stress added to the development of a rare condition that could have made me permanently blind.

So before you have another lady come in on this, make sure you have a firm grip on how you handle your co-parenting relationship, whether the other parent is nice or not, and that you can protect your future partner from any of the negative side effects that may come from your co-parenting. This doesn't mean don't ask for a future partner's opinion on situations or how things will affect the life y'all share, but take what is given and smartly work it in to the co-parenting techniques that you have decided to use. Trust me, with the right woman, they will be grateful, and it will make you so much more attractive to your future partner than if you act without a backbone and let them be thrown to the wolves (not accusing you of this, just speaking from experience sadly).