I think that’s the tough part…knowing when enough is enough. How does one gauge that? If someone is compromising the safety of their child then that’s clear. It’s not as clear when our feelings are enmeshed with the overall situation.
Personally, I never cut my child’s father off because that’s who I had a child with. I wanted to protect my child from every disappointment but imo, it’s not possible. It sucks, I had to learn how to be support my child emotionally when it happened.
As you said, children begin to know for themselves. My child is an adult now. I didn’t want to be the parent that kept my child from their father. That will never be able to be said about me (I’m sure they’re plenty other things to say though lol)
@dabriashae I don’t know what it is with absent parents as they always have a criticism for everything you do instead of thanking you for doing absolutely everything ?? I get where you are but you’ve done more than you can and like you said kids aren’t stupid and they know who is there for them and unfortunately for him all you failures hit you as you get older
@nothingtoknow I think it’s better to be out and then halfway in. It’s inconsistent and if they’re already saying things like that who knows what it’s gonna do to them if it continued. Id move or just say you did before you did. They’re young enough to recover I think but while he’s half in half out it will keep reopening
I also wouldn’t push for child support because I know some dads who weren’t there previously finally started seeing their children because they pay child support, but we’re still toxic for the kids to be around.
@nothingtoknow My opinion
Worry about you and your kids happiness and well being. Don't waste a second on him. Your children will be OK as long as you love them. Leave the nonsense behind
@nothingtoknow Get an attorney. Do it now. Log every thing. Every communication, every visitation. Pick up and drop off times. Don’t be the only one making the effort to have him be more involved. I’ve seen dads like this. He’s checked out (for whatever reason) and will ask for the custody arrangement that benefits his pocketbook the most. The kids are the ones who end up something. Take steps now to secure full custody. This can always be changed if he turns himself around and wants to be a father. He should be paying support or signing over the house in lieu of that. Something. Be smart, be proactive in getting an order.
@nothingtoknow My baby’s dad is the same way. She’s six months old and he couldn’t care less. Claims he cares, but never shows it. I think it’s better to not have them around then to have your kids wondering why dad is in and out of their life. I wish my BD would give up his parental rights
@nothingtoknow First approach social workers and tell them your situation.legal approach would be more convinent .
They will guide you about your dos and don'ts. You will be more clear headed all you need is right direction.
And than think about it the person who does not care about you and your kids is he worth to be in your lives ask your self.
Kids and your mental health is also primary thing work on it as well.
I don’t have a magic answer but I will say it may get better when you and Dad heal from the salty feelings…when parents are still dealing with their relationship stuff it complicates everything else.
Focus on moving through those ill feelings (easier said than done) and being present for your children. Try not to speak badly about him in front of them and try to avoid arguing in front of them. So much easier said… I know.
Be patient with yourself. It’s going to take some time.
If you have kids, two months isn't enough time to establish a new life, nevermind consistency. Go through the steps. A lot of it is just highly emotional, invasive slow-mo paperwork.
A counsellor can give you a space for real big cries if you need them- I know I did.
the best way to help this situiostn is to feed him properly with words remembered don’t get mad at him
there’s always hope you know!
ugh just be kind like nice say you’re an amazing dad you are awesome just el him that he can never look silly or stupid in front of you of his kid bc his hearts in the right place and he’s a damn good parent bc he cares and anything that he might get wrong isn’t a flaw it’s perfection
@nothingtoknow no no no mostly
people just need to feel safe and secure like
it’s not helping that’s she a girl and it’s hard enough to connect to a child
when you’re a grown man… don’t make it harder help him even if he doesn’t help you… it’s for her development for their entire lives they’ll need each to know they love each and he can take care of like it’s suposed to be.
no dad wants out they just feel scared and threatened mostly don’t mention at all don’t make him think you think anything badly about him ever. !
@nothingtoknow He has to pay child support. Each time dad offers, let the kids choose if they want to see him and make sure he has decent plans for them or id say no, hes not just turning up twice a year for a holiday and to justify himself, he has to do better than that like take them shopping, take them to dinner and show them he has something to offer if not love and attendance.
Let him put in its better than nothing and at least the kids wont be wondering forever what happened to him, but give THEM the choice to see him, let them take him for all he has got like teenagers do, that is all he deserves.
@nothingtoknow I would’ve still liked to have seen my dad even if it was just a few times a year. If I was in yr shoes I’d probably say your dad does love you very much but he just doesn’t know how to do be a good daddy. As they get older you can explain selfishness etc and how he does love them in his own way but not everyone’s way of loving is what you expect or what a child deserves etc. I mean idk the truth here but clearly he’s not fully invested. I’m just putting forward stuff that you can maybe adjust etc but I mean maybe he does love them? In his own shitty way?
My own mum was pretty negative about our dad and it’s definitely not helpful. It might’ve been her truth the way she saw it but we didn’t need to hear that version she told us. My mum made it really hard for our dad to see us. He randomly showed up at our school and stuff. My mum put a stop to that. My mum is difficult to deal with, I know that’s true now as an adult. I also know my dad could’ve tried a lot harder. It was fun and nice the few times we did see our dad though, it was never an unpleasant experience. If your kids aren’t comfortable with him or feel ignored with him then that’s perhaps very different for wanting him not to have contact.
@nothingtoknow I think so, as long as he’s not on drugs, or a bad influence. If you block him out, I think the kids could just resent you later and it’s not healthy for them not to have their dad around.
@nothingtoknow U don’t get to choose regardless. He does. He’s the father and has the right to be in his own kids life. If he chooses not to, that’s on him. If he chooses to, you can’t stop him.
@jules1231 I understand this. I’m not saying to take the kids from him. If he wants to be involved in their lives then he can be. I just am worried for how his involvement will impact my kids. Mostly wondering if anyone had any advice in helping their kids deal with having an inconsistent father
