Aita for not wanting my daughters father at her birth or on her birth certificate
- Thread starter jassikm
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basilisk06
New member
@jassikm NTA.
But also, if he wants to establish paternity he'll force it through the courts, at which point he'll have to a) pay child support, assuming he makes more than you, and b) have some custodial time, up to 50% if he asserts it and he's not shown to be a risk to the child.
But he'll need to assert those rights, so in the meantime the ball is in his court.
But also, if he wants to establish paternity he'll force it through the courts, at which point he'll have to a) pay child support, assuming he makes more than you, and b) have some custodial time, up to 50% if he asserts it and he's not shown to be a risk to the child.
But he'll need to assert those rights, so in the meantime the ball is in his court.
@jassikm I didn’t put bio-Father’s name on the birth certificate and I was able to raise the baby without child support. Bio father knew I was pregnant, and I contacted him AFTER baby and I got home from the hospital. I also contacted him 5 times in the first 2 months to try and serve him court papers. I then went to court to ensure I had sole guardianship (which I didn’t need to do in Canada because at that point bio-dad wasn’t on certificate).
Bio dad has never contacted us. I am now married, my new husband adopted my son.
I do not regret my decision in the least. It was 100% the right thing to do for my child.
Bio dad has never contacted us. I am now married, my new husband adopted my son.
I do not regret my decision in the least. It was 100% the right thing to do for my child.
crimsonlogic10
New member
@jassikm Do not involve him or try to make him get involved. You need to protect yourself from him. What he said about u robbing him from doing things right is so wrong & is manipulation and he is trying to make u feel bad which u shouldn't. He wasn't involved during ur pregnancy nor offered u any kind of help or support so do not expect his action after the baby comes to anything more. You choosing ur child's life his not u robbing him of doing things right. Both of you had sex not just you, he is just as equally responsible of getting u pregnant as your body is. Him getting you std's his messed up but expected considering he has been sleeping around with a bunch of people, he might have known & got it treated as well but never told you.
dontwanttotell
New member
@jassikm I think having him in the delivery room is a horrible idea. You need to be as relaxed as possible during that and having this guy around will just stress you out. It’s not a spectator sport, it’s a medical ordeal that you’ll be going through. He doesn’t need to watch and he isn’t entitled to being there.
I would let him know when she’s born and let him come meet her and spend time with her afterwards if he so chooses. Assuming he isn’t abusive or a danger to her, I’d let him be as involved with her as he wants to be. That being said, I wouldn’t hold your breath on him ever being a good or present father.
I would let him know when she’s born and let him come meet her and spend time with her afterwards if he so chooses. Assuming he isn’t abusive or a danger to her, I’d let him be as involved with her as he wants to be. That being said, I wouldn’t hold your breath on him ever being a good or present father.
lovingly1961
New member
@jassikm Did we get pregnant by the same man?
And no you're not an asshole.
My kid's father did the same shit and in the end, he did not attend the birth by choice. I will always be upset about it but he did me a favor by not being on the birth certificate - I have sole legal and physical custody, he's got nothin’ and no right to our child until he takes a paternity test (if he ever does which I doubt).
If he wants into my child’s life, he can’t do it without getting the courts involved and having to pay child support.
Trust me on this, you want the upper hand and if you allow him to sign the birth certificate it’s the first step in surrendering your power in the situation. Don’t do it.
And no you're not an asshole.
My kid's father did the same shit and in the end, he did not attend the birth by choice. I will always be upset about it but he did me a favor by not being on the birth certificate - I have sole legal and physical custody, he's got nothin’ and no right to our child until he takes a paternity test (if he ever does which I doubt).
If he wants into my child’s life, he can’t do it without getting the courts involved and having to pay child support.
Trust me on this, you want the upper hand and if you allow him to sign the birth certificate it’s the first step in surrendering your power in the situation. Don’t do it.
@jassikm Hey! Think you wrote this for me 
I’m in a fairly similar situation, due in October - although because I’ve kept a fair distance, in some ways BD and I may be on better terms. He called me about a month ago, so just over halfway through the pregnancy to apologise for his behaviour when I first broke the news (first time we’ve spoken since), and to say he wants to stop running, to be there for me and our daughter, find a way to make it work amongst other things… bla bla bla…
Have I heard from him since? No - but I appreciate he’s got his own shit to work through as a dad-to-be and am giving him as much time as he needs to do that. On top of that, I understand that men really don’t process pregnancy in the same way we do, particularly if they’ve chosen not to be there for the ride, witnessing the complexities of the day-to-days. I’ve heard from many friends - those in long term relationships in fact - that their partners basically had no clue until the baby was here, and beyond. And these pregnancies are more often than not very much planned. It’s these stories that give me hope that he may lift his weight. But I’m also prepared for going solo - him dipping in and out when he feels like it I guess - and perhaps that is what is giving me an overall sense of confidence. That, and love and compassion towards him - after all he gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for.
I’ll literally see how I feel on the day I go into labour as to whether I’ll be able to tolerate him being there - or not being there (there’s always the chance he just won’t turn up). The likelihood is that with everything else going on, I won’t want the additional anxiety either way. And so I may choose not to tell him to head to the hospital; only after the birth, to ask if / when he wants to meet his daughter.
His actions over the next few months will also prove whether he deserves to be on the birth certificate.
Wishing you all the best with the birth. You and baby come first, he’s almost irrelevant. Let your feelings guide you and hold your head up high - he can follow suit.
Feel free also to drop me a message - here any time fellow mama - you got this!
I’m in a fairly similar situation, due in October - although because I’ve kept a fair distance, in some ways BD and I may be on better terms. He called me about a month ago, so just over halfway through the pregnancy to apologise for his behaviour when I first broke the news (first time we’ve spoken since), and to say he wants to stop running, to be there for me and our daughter, find a way to make it work amongst other things… bla bla bla…
Have I heard from him since? No - but I appreciate he’s got his own shit to work through as a dad-to-be and am giving him as much time as he needs to do that. On top of that, I understand that men really don’t process pregnancy in the same way we do, particularly if they’ve chosen not to be there for the ride, witnessing the complexities of the day-to-days. I’ve heard from many friends - those in long term relationships in fact - that their partners basically had no clue until the baby was here, and beyond. And these pregnancies are more often than not very much planned. It’s these stories that give me hope that he may lift his weight. But I’m also prepared for going solo - him dipping in and out when he feels like it I guess - and perhaps that is what is giving me an overall sense of confidence. That, and love and compassion towards him - after all he gave me the greatest gift I could have asked for.
I’ll literally see how I feel on the day I go into labour as to whether I’ll be able to tolerate him being there - or not being there (there’s always the chance he just won’t turn up). The likelihood is that with everything else going on, I won’t want the additional anxiety either way. And so I may choose not to tell him to head to the hospital; only after the birth, to ask if / when he wants to meet his daughter.
His actions over the next few months will also prove whether he deserves to be on the birth certificate.
Wishing you all the best with the birth. You and baby come first, he’s almost irrelevant. Let your feelings guide you and hold your head up high - he can follow suit.
Feel free also to drop me a message - here any time fellow mama - you got this!
wisevirgins07
New member
katrina2017
New member
@wisevirgins07 No, he has an opportunity to establish his paternity through the court if he wants to. His own behavior has proven that he does not deserve automatic access to OP and her child just beucase he managed to get her pregnant.
Get out of here with putting the blame on a woman for having doubts about a man who has already absued and manipulated her. Only abusive men call women vindictive for reacting appropriately to this abusive behavior.
Get out of here with putting the blame on a woman for having doubts about a man who has already absued and manipulated her. Only abusive men call women vindictive for reacting appropriately to this abusive behavior.
wisevirgins07
New member
@katrina2017 And there it is. Try harder. Trying to keep a parent from a kid is the lowest form of shit a person can do. Just because he fucked around doesn’t mean he’s unfit. In no place did she mention he’s unfit and legally not able to be around his kids. Only a true piece of shit would think otherwise and try to keep a parent from their own kid just because they got their feelings hurt. Now, if he truly is unfit and deemed so, then yeah. But gtfo with that. Yet here you are calling names. Imagine that.
katrina2017
New member
@wisevirgins07 OP would not be keeping him from the kid, she would be requiring that he have a relationship with baby that is moderated by a court ordered parenting plan, which is GOOD FOR BABY given his history with OP.
He could try to browbeat OP into giving him acces using the exact type of rhetoric that you're using-- like many abusive baby daddies do,-- but that is only going to benefit him. Allowing that will only set baby up for that toxic on-again off-again deadbeat dad parental relationship with him.
He could try to browbeat OP into giving him acces using the exact type of rhetoric that you're using-- like many abusive baby daddies do,-- but that is only going to benefit him. Allowing that will only set baby up for that toxic on-again off-again deadbeat dad parental relationship with him.
johnbosco123
New member
@wisevirgins07 Most courts don’t look at what rights the parents have, they look at what is best for the child. You seem to be only looking at what HE deserves as a parent. Its not about him. It’s about the CHILD. He was vocal about not wanting to be a father and literally didn’t want this child to exist and that could be a red flag to a judge not to allow the child around that parent. That could be extremely dangerous for a child. You sound like you have some personal issues with this subject. Its not about you either.
@jassikm First, I wanna say that I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I’m hoping that despite the health issues you are going through; I hope that you have a safe delivery and speedy recovery.
Second, once he told you that he wanted you to get an abortion AFTER he told you that you’re not what he wanted, you should have blocked him and never looked back. It was at that moment that once you decided to keep your child that you ultimately became a single parent, although none of us ideally want that and I understand that you would like him to be apart of her life. From that moment your main concern is/was your health for you and your baby. If he wants to sleep around and live the single life then let him. Do you really want that type of person around your daughter that clearly has no respect for women?
Third, although you are clearly against abortion (I’m assuming from your wording), please be mindful of how you word your beliefs because it can be very triggering to the parents that are in this sub. What may be murder to you; may not be the case for others.
Last but not least, it would be best to speak to a family lawyer and figure out what options would work best for you and that will ultimately protect your baby because she’s the most important thing over every and anything else.
Second, once he told you that he wanted you to get an abortion AFTER he told you that you’re not what he wanted, you should have blocked him and never looked back. It was at that moment that once you decided to keep your child that you ultimately became a single parent, although none of us ideally want that and I understand that you would like him to be apart of her life. From that moment your main concern is/was your health for you and your baby. If he wants to sleep around and live the single life then let him. Do you really want that type of person around your daughter that clearly has no respect for women?
Third, although you are clearly against abortion (I’m assuming from your wording), please be mindful of how you word your beliefs because it can be very triggering to the parents that are in this sub. What may be murder to you; may not be the case for others.
Last but not least, it would be best to speak to a family lawyer and figure out what options would work best for you and that will ultimately protect your baby because she’s the most important thing over every and anything else.
@jassikm Whether you put him on the bc or not, please do not give your baby his last name. Make sure that you are focusing on what will work best for you and your child. Having the same last name is 100% helpful as someone who has a child with an absent dad that refused to let me change my kiddo's last name (sigh). Also, this dude is gonna be a pain in your ass while you labor.
There's always this thing that people seem to infuse into the birth process where there's bonding and magic. That's bullshit. It's exhausting and often, there are moments where you feel like you want to just beg for someone to fix things. Please make sure that you have people that are YOUR champions with you. Bring your best friend. Bring your closest relative. Remember that you are a fucking awesome person bringing your baby into the world and however that happens, it's amazing and that it should get to happen in a safe, empowering space. And yes, there's some magic. But not if there's a whiny bitch in there taking up energy that should be focused on you and your care. That's your time. Take it unapologetically.
There's always this thing that people seem to infuse into the birth process where there's bonding and magic. That's bullshit. It's exhausting and often, there are moments where you feel like you want to just beg for someone to fix things. Please make sure that you have people that are YOUR champions with you. Bring your best friend. Bring your closest relative. Remember that you are a fucking awesome person bringing your baby into the world and however that happens, it's amazing and that it should get to happen in a safe, empowering space. And yes, there's some magic. But not if there's a whiny bitch in there taking up energy that should be focused on you and your care. That's your time. Take it unapologetically.
@jassikm Oh god this sounds like my ex. All the way down to the shitty bullshit back and forth and the manipulative language. Like this is my exact situation. Same STDs and everything. Tell me you aren’t in Texas. Don’t put him on the birth certificate, don’t put any effort in, don’t let him in the room when you give birth. If he wants to be a good father he’ll put in effort to get on the birth certificate. Chances are he won’t and he’ll flip back and forth wanting to be in her life when it’s convenient to him. Don’t make it easy for him to have rights so he can do this. It’s more damaging to have a father in and out of your life than no father at all.