Aita for not wanting my daughters father at her birth or on her birth certificate

[daisies24]

@sexymadison69 You probably should’ve instead of basing your opinion with nothing backing it.

 

[sorn]

@jassikm Walls up, do not let him in emotionally, or near either of you physically. This guy is only bad news and you need to look after you and baby only.

 

[rodwoodruff]

@jassikm No you’re not the asshole. Do not put his name on the certificate. Period. You aren’t married and not required by law at this point to do so. Whether or not you let him be there is up to you. But should you let him be there and he starts any issues/makes you uncomfortable/whatever. They can and will have him leave.

If he gets angry or upset about your decision to keep him off the certificate, let him know that his behavior during your pregnancy doesn’t give you much hope he will actually stick around. So should he choose to actually be supportive and make an honest effort, you’d be willing to complete any necessary paperwork to have him added to the certificate at a later time. I think that’s a fair and reasonable way to make the best decision for the sake of your daughter. You can always add…. But it’s a nightmare to remove…..

 

[jekyll]

@jassikm Even just reading the first paragraph, keeping a man out of the delivery room is the worst thing to do, Especially if he wants to be there, that is the best thing a man can witness, I’m a dad of two and been there both times for the delivery and I loved meeting my boys the very first second there was born.

So from that point of view, yes you are the arsehole

 

[meissner]

@jassikm Yta. You don’t have the right to keep a dad away from a child

 

[binh]

@jassikm Listing the father on the BC isn't about either of you. It's about the child. There are reasons why one day she may want to know who her father is. Secondly there are legal reasons that can affect her if the father isn't listed. Birth certificates done say, only list fathers that you like. It is a PERMANENT LEGAL RECORD. Do it for her sake.

 

[pandar]

@jassikm I think you should let him sign the birth certificate just so further down the line if something is needed it’s less of a process. as someone who grew up with an in and out dad it was definitely damaging. or having him there but not present. I think let him try if he fails that’s all the confirmation you need. some people change for the better for their kid. you never really know.
I think getting a lawyer might be a good choice as well.
as far as feeling hurt. this is a hard one but you have to forgive him. not for his sake but for yours. let’s it hurt for a bit and find a way to let go. I think we try to push away our feelings so bad so we don’t have to feel them but you can’t truly process that ways. it’ll come back. your feelings might ease up once the baby is here. it’s not your fault. especially if you’re not asking him for anything.

 

[oldthinker]

@jassikm NTA for not wanting him at the birth or on the birth certificate. You're not required to allow him at the birth, so don't let him be at the birth. The birth certificate, however, is not so simple. He doesn't need your permission and can assert his rights via the courts.

 

[dreadfullullaby]

@jassikm 100% leave him off of the birth certificate. When I read that he is trying to make you feel bad for him, not pursuing his own desires, he is being manipulative. He will continue to try to make you feel bad forever. He hasn’t been there for you. The entire pregnancy, there’s a possibility he could be a good dad, but don’t get your hopes up that he will ever be a family with you guys. I know, it’s hard. You can slowly build a healthy relationship, but don’t get let him get locked into something that will cause resentment. Congrats on your baby. As I read your post, I’m getting messages from my daughter’s father ding on my phone…

 

[iwillhonorgod]

@jassikm In the same situation here I’m 5 weeks away and he’s wanting to be in the room but I know he will stress me the hell out plus he’s been inconsistent during the pregnancy and has spent £20 so far on a few clothing items he also expects me to uproot my sons room and give him my pram every time he wants him overnight to which I said no and he made a fuss he also has no job and lives at home with his mother who is known to drunk drive gamble and drive with no seatbelt so I feel extremely uncomfortable having my son in the same house with her

 

[braun]

@jassikm Fuck that it’s your baby he wasn’t around don’t put him on the birth certificate. My son was born 4 months ago and the sperm donor was never around for the pregnancy or the birth and he will never be on the birth certificate. He’s not the one up at night and taking care of the baby financially emotionally and physically: I support you 100 %

 

[jderamus]

@jassikm I would only consider putting him on the birth certificate if you live in the US and if it would mean that your child would have access to benefits such as Social Security Death Benefits or if the father ever got disability, etc. As others have said, I would consult a lawyer to see what you need legally to protect your child's interests in the future. If you can't afford a lawyer, there may be free legal advice available in your area.

 

[thefoundersplan]

@jassikm First of all I am very sorry this must be hard. Its been said a million times but pain heals all. I was cheated on by a spouse while deployed overseas and i will say a bit more about it later, but it can work.

He should have a chance to be in the childs life full stop. He should be able to be at the hospital in the waiting room during delivery, if this is your first child i can tell you that you dont want to be exposing yourself like that to someone unless they love you, just my opinion.

Far too many children grow up without fathers. Forget about yalls relationship it is irrelevant to whether he should be in the childs life. You must put yourself aside for the child. I coparent my oldest son and we are both remarried, but we are great friends now because we managed to but our past issues aside when talking about my son. Both parents are key to a healthy child.

I know i will get downvoted to oblivion, but I do think men should have the right to be in a childs life whether or not there is a romantic relationship. How many children grow up fatherless with a willing father? I dont know. But men cant step up to the plate sometimes in situations like this because they are not allowed.

The pain will pass and you can speak with him only about caring for the child and nothing more in time. But every child deserves to be raised by both parents as long as its healthy and one side isnt a danger to the child.

Fatherless homes are whats really deep down destroying America in my opinion. I know its a trope used in racial discussions but I think it exists in the entire population.

I grew up without my father, had an abusive replacement, and would die if kept from my childrens lives. If something i did led to me not seeing them I would never forgive myself.

Give him his shot at fatherhood, but definitely doesnt sound like yall need to be together.

 

[jennaishealed]

@jassikm Honestly girl, I consider you my sister as far as the similarity of both of our situations. I also had a massive Fucktastrophe of a story about my pregnancy and I was left homeless at 6mos pregnant because I kept wanting my daughter to have her dad.

Please listen to me. You are NOT an asshole. You gotta worry about you and that kid. You're going to be the only constant for that little girl. You are in the most vulnerable position in life that you're ever going to be in. If his family try to take up for him, let them... From a distance. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt some nights, it may make you lose your mind at some point. You may want a break.

But you keep on being mom. Don't let people in your life that don't really need to be there. Keep your small circle close, and lean on them when you need to. (If you don't have anyone to vent to I'll give you my number) but please for the love, just hold strong. He's only shown you that he's going to be in and out. You don't need or want any of that hassle. Your life will be so much less stressful if you're the one making all the decisions. And it gives people less to talk about.

Also, please get a Rights and Responsibilities packet from your local courthouse if you do decide to let him in. (I know, even though you weren't in love with him, you're going to have love for the man that gave her to you. Just don't get confused.) The legal part is important if you want to make sure you get to dictate how far his rights get him.

Didn't mean to rant, but I swear everything I said will be important to you at some point in y'all's lives.

 

[stephap]

@jassikm There is only 2 reasons to have his name on the birth certificate: to make it easier to get child support. And if in the future s/he/they wants to know who her father is, it reduces that hardship. That’s it.

Getting a passport is going to be trickier bc you will either have to hunt him down to sign the papers OR do what I did and hire a lawyer to try to track him down & when that failed have them write a letter of abandonment.

It is triggering to see his name on school records but ultimately I don’t regret it. My kid is 13 and knows who her father is and what he looks like and why we broke up. I told her if she ever wants to meet him to just tell me and I will make it happen. I never talk bad about him bc it’s her father & she’s here bc at one point we were in love.

Just make sure to give the child YOUR last name!!

 

[bobbiewestie]

@jassikm I didn't allow my sons father in delivery room. And I didn't put his name on the birth certificate. I have zero regrets. You are not married. If he wants rights. Then let him seek them after the child is born. This time is about u and the baby. You don't owe him anything