Is an inconsistent father worth being in a kids life?

[nothingtoknow]

My ex and I have now been split over two months. He hasn’t asked to talk to them or contact them and has seen them a total of 5 times. He cheated on me and our 8 year old knows about it. She refers to him as an imposter and because of the lack of him wanting to be in their lives they have made comments that he doesn’t love them. On Father’s Day when we called to wish him a happy Father’s Day, he told them he loved them and all three of them walked away. Later in the car my 4 year old asked why he said that to them when he doesn’t love them. I have mentioned my concerns to him and all he responds with is, “I’ll always have a bad relationship with them from now on and it just is what it is.” He has no plans if/when he will see them again. He encourages me taking a job across the country. If I do move across the country with the kids, I don’t think he will want to see them more than once or twice a year. He told me in an argument that he wants split custody but hasn’t offered any financial support or plans on how that would work. I guess I just don’t know what to do.

 

[johnemmett]

@nothingtoknow He owes child support regardless of visitation

 

[katrina2017]

@johnemmett Yeah my ex wife doesn't pay shit and has no visitation. Good luck with that.

 

[myle08]

@johnemmett Bingo!

 

[braiser]

@nothingtoknow Scientific research shows an abscent father is less damaging than an inconsistent, sort of present, father who's toxic beyond inconsistency.

Basically the lesser of the 2 evils is complete absence vs toxic & inconsistent.

Sadly, the American court system doesn't agree. But that's for the purpose of judicial racketeering & not based on science or even laws that they are supposed to follow.

He knows he caused the damage but doesn't care to fix it.

Let it be. Don't even push for his involvement. Document everything. It's his fault & the loss will be on him.

No point in caring when he doesn't.

 

[jalek]

@braiser Do you have research / literature about this? I'd love to read more.

 

[sus_y]

@nothingtoknow Not in my opinion.
The benefit of being a single mom to me is that I know the base line of our lifestyle bc I know what I will provide and do.
I see everything else as extra.

 

[katrina2017]

@nothingtoknow No.

My ex husband was warned for the last 4 years about how his constant in & out would negatively impact our daughter & how she isn’t going to want to talk to him as often because she wants to communicate with those who are active in her life vs those who are not.

He had no job, or would only be employed for a few months at a time, so he “couldn’t afford” to plan out trips to see our daughter during his visitation. The last 2 trips were paid for by someone else (which doesn’t really matter, because he made his visitation still). We had weekly scheduled calls between him & our daughter to keep up a routine. Yet he wanted the schedule to revolve around what times worked best for him, which it should have been going based off our daughter’s schedule. He would miss calls or be late & call & think that he could still talk to her. No, the schedule is there for a reason. I’m blamed as to why he can “never” talk to his daughter.

Now he gets an e-mail update once a week & will get calls if our daughter wants to talk to him. He’s proven time & time again his life is more important so it can stay that way. He’s currently engaged (which I had to find out via social media he’s getting married, he couldn’t be man enough to let me know our daughter was gaining a stepmom) & the only time I have met her is when he brought her along for one of his visits & didn’t inform me until he was about to pick our daughter up. Yet I’m the reason we can’t get along & why he can never see his daughter.

 

[thatguy94]

@katrina2017 Be very careful… a lot of men push for increased custody and rights after remarrying.

 

[katrina2017]

@thatguy94 I’ve heard of that.

I don’t see it happening. He’s already missed one of his visits & due to our agreement I offered summer for him to which he kept pushing it back & not communicating. He’s had a record of false promises & saying he would come visit when he wouldn’t (outside of his visitation, I would offer more visits because our daughter wanted to see him). He also doesn’t keep up his end of any agreements we do end up making. It would be interesting to see him try though.

 

[sonas]

@nothingtoknow Personal opinion-kids are better off without the bad energy vs bad energy in and out of their lives/standing them up/making them feel unloved. My little one hasn’t seen her father in 8 months. I tell her all the time he loves her, he’s just a stinker so we don’t see him anymore. Granted, my little one is only 3 and a half and it’s much simpler than an 8 year old. But she witnessed him abuse me so I have explained to her that we don’t allow people who treat us poorly in our lives.

Point of story-make sure they understand he loves them very much and use age appropriate language/how you guys describe “being a stinker” in your house hold perhaps. Sorry he’s another POS to add to the list on this sub.

 

[dancibutterfly]

@nothingtoknow In my opinion, children need structure and consistency. It helps foster proper development for them. If he can’t be consistent, the children are better off not keeping in contact with him. They shouldn’t have to be let down by his inconsistencies.

 

[nothingtoknow]

On a side note, sharing custody of my children is absolutely terrifying to me. I will do whatever is best for my kids though. He has chosen to stay with the person he cheated on me with.

 

[lee25]

@nothingtoknow Oh yuck, what a loser. Does his new bird know what a pos he is? What he did to you, he will do to her too just you wait and see.
The kids will choose what they want out of it, try not to influence them and ignore him, let them choose what they will allow of him.
If he lets them down there is your red flag, go at him so hard he wont come back or wont do it again.
I kicked my exs arse so hard after his bullshit he is afraid to cross us again.

 

[nothingtoknow]

@lee25 I’m not sure she knows. Who knows what he has told her

 

[amanwalking]

@nothingtoknow He doesn’t seem like he’s interested in doing that especially if you move. Maybe he wouldn’t decline it but he’s not gonna push for it. I would document his inconsistency and his absence and after six months or a year I would go to court for full custody, if you move it’ll just be easier to do this and win.

 

[nealf]

@nothingtoknow Having a father not in the child's life or abusive father is a whole lot better than mo father. If the kids don't wanna see him nor talk to him dont push it, if there father doesn't then dont force it either

 

[sinaloapaisa]

@nothingtoknow I went through something similar with my two daughters (14y.o and 8y.o) Who both have different dads I gave them a chance but both eventually showed they couldn’t handle The 50/50 time split and I realized with my first daughters dad that I couldn’t allow him to be in and out of her life when he felt like it and so I eventually cut contact with him and with my younger daughter and her dad there was always an excuse why he needed to bring her back to me and I eventually stopped talking to him as well I honestly would prefer it this way because I get to raise my girls how I want too without arguing with the other parent but they both know that I am not keeping them from having a relationship with there dad I just found it was in there best interest to not allow the other parent to show up when they feel like it. Hope that helps and Honestly you could get a parenting plan but in most states it is not required for the other parent to follow that parenting plan I have one with both my daughters dads and I tried taking one to court for not following through with his part of the parenting plan and The judge didn’t really do anything and he didn’t get in to any trouble but both are required to pay a set amount each month since they don’t want to do 50/50 but where I live the most they can do for someone who owes back child support is suspend there drivers license. Not sure if that helps but do what you think is best for the kids but atleast try to give the other parent a chance but don’t forgive them to easy it’s hard being a single parent but I am proud of who I was able to become as a single parent.

 

[sidah]

@nothingtoknow You are not responsible for his parenting or relationship with his kids - he is. Its not your job to remind him, prompt him, assist him or make it easier for him to stay connected to them. That is 100% on HIM.The only legal and moral responsibility you do have is to not obstruct him or purposely alienate him if/when he does want to connect. It sounds like he is already doing a good job himself alienating his kids. Kids are smart little people, they quickly figure out what's what. What I told my kids was "I know Dad loves you but how he shows his love and behaves, is not always OK. We should still be kind to him because he doesn't know any better; sometimes people just never learn how to care for others, I hope he can learn someday. He hurt my feelings and that was not OK for me, that's why we don't live together anymore. I know it hurts your feelings too when you don't see him or hear from him very often, and it's OK to tell him so."
If he agrees to your moving away, get it in writing, then go live your life.

 

[gazali]

@nothingtoknow As a single father who has tried to fight for their mother to be involved it’s reall tricky as some people change and turn a corner but as a single parent it’s hard to know when enough is enough?? I feel for you and your kids if they are starting to figure it out for themselves but you sound like you really communicate with your kids really well so maybe it’s time to create some distance as his comments sound defeatist and if he ain’t gonna try the why should yous ?? You have the love and the joy and yes you have the hardship and I know how that goes but it’s yours and your doing it so pull away . If and when he grows up then it’s his to do