If you have 1 SAHP and 1 Parent working full time…

[fight4faith]

@akdamar I feel like the job title has gotten misconstrued. Stay At Home Parent. Your "job" is taking care of the child/children. That's it! That's the job. And it's a huge one. Taking care of kids is physically, and emotionally draining AF. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, errands are all separate duties. Can the SAHP take on a few of these tasks? Sure, but anything done outside of child rearing is taking away from the original job. Why are most SAHP drowning??!! Because we added a TON of extra work.

 

[wren84]

@akdamar We absolutely split things. Once a week we do a deep clean and everyone helps. My husband does daily tidying and dishes, cooks changes diapers when he isn’t working. I think it’s ridiculous if you have to ask for help to shower. He should be taking the baby so you can.

 

[marisasa]

@akdamar The best thing I did as a SAHP was to hand off bed time to my husband. Now (almost) every night he deals with bath/stories/bed while I relax or work on house stuff.

 

[yaoshi]

@akdamar I’m a SAHP and spouse works full time. My kids are both in school now, but before, I essentially did as much as I could when he was working. I tried to keep the house tidy (near-impossible with babies and toddlers) and did meal prep or errands when possible. As soon as he was off work, we split everything fairly. Some days, I needed a break as soon as he got off, and some days, he needed the break. We looked at it from the standpoint that we were a team. Clear, calm and honest communication was key.

 

[back2thebible2]

@akdamar We don't have a formal system in place, but generally we aim to ensure each parent has equal downtime. I try to tidy as I go all day, so there's not a huge back up of dishes and clutter by dinner time. I have an hour and a half in the afternoon where the kids nap, and I get the kitchen cleaned, laundry put away, and maybe 1-2 other cleaning chores.

When my husband gets home from work, we eat dinner and then he takes over parenting while I clean up dinner, start a load of laundry, tidy the toys, and rotate through sweeping, mopping, and vacuuming (I do one every day). He'll do bathtime, brush their teeth, and get them into bed and read a story while I'm cleaning.

Most days, I finish up cleaning right as he finishes getting the kids down. Then we each have two hours to do whatever we want before we go to bed. Some days the kids are tough, and I jump in and help with bedtime. Some days the house is a real wreck, and he will come finish the cleaning with me. Neither of us clocks out until the kids are asleep and the house is clean.

 

[bcraig_6973]

@akdamar Sahm with full time husband. I do everything including cooking etc before 5 . After 5 he usually dose chore like laundry and washing dishes and I do childcare or vice versa . Washing the kid is usually me unless I am exhausted. Night shifts are me because he has to work next day .

On the weekend he dose main childcare and I do other chores etc. we would swap if we have our own chores we need to do etc. this way he bonds with kid and I get a break to do chores. We usually don’t cook on weekend to get a break

 

[robertthompson]

@akdamar On a normal/ideal day my husband comes home at 5, i already have dinner ready. We eat dinner. After dinner I leave him with the kids to have showers and get ready for bed (if he is going to be home late I'll shower them before dinner). During this time I go and workout for an hour. Once I'm done we put the kids to bed, he does the 4 year old while I settle the toddler. Then we rush to get the dishes done and house reset. Then we chill for 2 hours before we have a shower together and go to bed ourselves. It's a full on routine but we are both happy to work like mad and have those couple of hours of proper free time in the evenings.

We don't split hairs when it comes to who does what chores. I don't like vacuuming so he does it. I love doing laundry so that my job. He's a tradesman so house projects tend to fall on his shoulders. I love cooking so meal planning and shopping is my job. Money stresses me out so he's the one keeping an eye on our budget, keeping me on a need to know basis.

 

[naly]

@akdamar My kids are in a preschool program (working parents idea) that’s 3 hours 4 days for the 1yo and 5 for the 4yo. So that’s when I generally get a break and much needed adult only interaction. So when my husband gets home from work we both hang with the kids. They are off in the summers so I generally hand the kids off when he gets home for an hour or 2 to relax or prep dinner by myself. The kids have been home sick all week so he took them on a fun adventure for a couple of hours this afternoon so I could have some downtime. He also woke up early with the kids this morning because I woke up early yesterday. My husband is very hands on and ridiculously helpful which sadly I have learned from Reddit is a uncommon

 

[jimdykes]

@akdamar I've been a SAHD with twin 7 y/o's for 4 years. Some background: we're both 35, in a 4000sqft home, both in college, she's works FT in her family's business, while I provide 95% of the child and home care. I retired early and bring home around 40k annually.

I'd, unfortunately, suggest you begin to get into the mindset of doing it alone. When the roles were reversed, I felt compelled to assist her immediately after work and did it consistently, but some people will NOT do the same.

I do everything from doing homework every other day with the kids, bathes, appointments, dealing with 2 dogs I didn't want and endless yard work (fuck these leaves). And if I ask for help she says she'll literally die of exhaustion while spending hours on her phone playing games while at home.

To her, this is MY job. And seeing me complain or sigh upsets her. That is our situation.

I'm working on changing it, but some breadwinners have a difficult time empathizing with their main source of love and support.

 

[revertion]

@akdamar I am the SAHP. We split things so that overall we are doing the same amount of work and have similar amounts of free time (ie not much lol). But it is very fair. My partner sometimes works long hours and that means I end up taking on more of the house work/kids workload.

 

[katrina2017]

@akdamar well for necessitys like showering and eating dinner thats always a given when we want too do it. But also every week i get an afternoon to myself to do whatever i usually watch tv or do a craft, and he gets an afternoon to himself to do whatever usually vid games. it helps us have a mental break.

 

[waiarlap]

@akdamar My husband pretty much takes over fully with baby after work. I can tidy up, make dinner, clean up dinner, shower, or even just take a moment and chill. Then we alternate each night who does bedtime routine.

 

[james_1991]

@akdamar Equal sleep and equal downtime/off time. We traded off sleep ins and naps when I was SAH, and supported each other to stay active physically.

 

[johnbenjaminprice]

@akdamar When my husband gets home from work, we split the childcare and housework 50/50. The only exception is if I was able to do something for myself during the day (I go to bible study once a week, go to a work out class occasionally, go out to brunch with my mother-in-law, etc). I feel guilty if I get time for myself during the day while he’s working, so I’ll usually be more likely to finish the end of the day housework so that he gets more time for himself.

 

[f0ggi]

@akdamar Morning I do breakfast and clothes, he makes lunch.

I'm kiddo during day and handle all playdates and outings.

When he gets home, he gets kiddo and makes dinner while I hide.

Chores we share.

We both put kiddo to bed.

After bedtime we watch TV or play a game together. If hubs needs alone time, I go hide in the bedroom and watch something so he can game alone.

 

[mrlutrinae]

@akdamar Think of yourself as a nanny. While husband is at work you are doing whatever you’d outsource if you had a job. That means that when your husband is home it will be 50/50…. Ideally.

 

[j98cherokee]

@akdamar My schedule has changed a bit because my youngest just started kindergarten. But before he was in school all day, this is how my husband and I made things work:

My "working hours" were pretty much the same as my husband's, with one exception- he went to work about 2 hours before my toddler and I woke up (he usually started work at 5:30am). So, to keep things as fair as possible, when he came home from work, he had about 2 hours of rest and relaxation. He usually gave me about a 15-20 minute break when he first came home, so I could just decompress for a few. Then I'd let him veg out for about an hour and a half to two hours. Video games, reading, working on his project car, etc. Then we'd make dinner together, and the rest of the night was 50/50. If I needed to take a shower, then I wouldn't ask him to watch our toddler. I'd just say, "Hey, I'm hopping in the shower, do you need in there before I do?" If our son wanted to play with something, I wouldn't ask my husband to play with him, he just did it. Sometimes we all played together, sometimes it was just kiddo and me, and sometimes it was just kiddo and Dad.

If my husband's schedule changed, we adapted. Sometimes he'd have to work swings, or 12 hour shifts, or through the weekend without a day off for 2 weeks. So we adjusted. Sometimes I was the only one caring for our toddler for 2 straight weeks. Usually when those schedules were over, I'd give him an entire day to rest and relax and not have to deal with responsibilities, and then he'd give me a day to do the same.

You have to communicate and be able to adapt when needed, but just because he works full time, doesn't mean he never has to be a parent.

 

[jdo78]

@akdamar This sounds like me, I was sad for a while that I worried my husband was missing out in bonding with our son. And then I stopped pushing. I got to the point where I had told him how important it was to spend time with our son time and time again. If he's not bothered then it's his loss not mine. I will have memories with my son and that's what's in my control. Every Time I would ask my husband to watch our son he would just stick the TV on. It drove me nuts. I really do believe that he just didn't know how to play or look after him. I realised it wasn't intentional. I learned to be more specific, " would you read a book with him please " could you change him into his PJ's please" etc. This helped a lot. Also now my son's 3 my husband's more confident with him and takes him out with him sometimes , I think now my son's not a baby. It's easier for me to explain to my husband how to look after my son. Also my son can now express his needs more clearly so it's less or a guessing game.

 

[jonowebb]

@akdamar My husband and I treated me staying home like a nanny. From the hours of 8-5 I was a nanny, and I only focused on tasks that a nanny would and that were child related. Everything else outside of those hours we split 50/50. You ARE working and he needs to be a parent as well. You shouldn’t need to ask for “help” parenting his child, he should just do it.

 

[uniquetexasgirl]

@akdamar So when he's home from work then parenting should be split 50/50. So in the morning before he goes to you work you should both get time to take a shower and get ready and alternate between who's on. Same with in the evening. I also ask my husband to do a daddy daughter date with our toddler once a week on the weekend. Like take her to the park or go get frozen yogurt. Because I need a break to do stuff at home. We get zero help from family since they live out of town. It's just him and me. And he's more than happy to help when I ask. And since he works from home he also helps step in during the day if I'm struggling and he makes all the meals.