I did it. I left him. I am not okay

@panictopeace The responder is absolutely right. Being brave is being scared of something and doing it anyways. The more scared you are the braver you have to be to do it. You’ve got this.
 
@rpwolfgang Yup exactly. This is what I tell my kids. Being brave doesn’t mean you’re not scared. It means you’re scared and you do it anyway.

OP I’m proud of you. I’m so insanely proud of you. You just made an enormous positive shift in your daughters story. Today you taught her what SHE should accept. You taught her what is okay and what is NOT okay. Every day you’re showing her what BRAVE is. What STRONG is. You’re amazing. One day at a time. One day at a time.
 
@panictopeace Those feelings make sense. They’re a normal reaction to a sad, stressful, difficult situation. But it won’t always feel like this. Hang in there. The light is at the end of this tunnel you just need to keep moving towards it.
 
@panictopeace I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU. So proud.

Let me tell you about my amazing sister.
She married a man that we all disliked... very strongly. She carried the weight of everything - his emotions, his happiness, his anger, everything. She would leave family events within minutes of showing up bc he would get pissy and fake a headache. He would lock her out of the house if he got mad. He convinced her that he would become an Imagineer of they could only move across the country the house of the mouse, so she left everyone she knew and moved (he had no education or experience and couldn't get a job once they were there). He couldn't hold down a job for more than a year bc "everyone was out to get him."
They were so broke, she couldn't afford to refill her birth control pill, so, bam. 9 months later, baby.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

Finally, FINALLY, finally, she did it. Her child was almost 3 and she just couldn't take it anymore. She had daily panic attacks, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't function. He threatened to hurt himself if she left, but she did it. And it was hard. He was so angry. SO ANGRY. He wasn't abusive, he was misunderstood. He wasn't angry, she was nagging. It was all her fault.

Slowly, ever so slowly, she built herself back up. She accepted help from people (therapist, me, our parents, friends that he had pushed away...) and she crawled back out of that hole. Went back to school and made friends. Met someone new.

Now, 10 years after she was brave enough to leave, she's THRIVING. She has a husband who loves her, cherishes her and her kiddo, and treats her like gold. We adore him. Ex still sucks hardcore and co-parenting has been rough, but she's happy.

I am telling you this because there is light at the end of this for you, bromo. You are so fucking brave, even if you don't feel it. Courage isn't always a roar - sometimes it's quietly saying "enough" and walking away.
 
@bee_brian Thank you.

That honestly helps to hear.
I'm hoping I can look back on this in a few years and be proud of the person I will hopefully become.

Right now though, I just feel rudderless and anxious.

It doesn't feel real yet.
I'm definitely all over the place emotionally.
I keep crying.

My family and friends have been supportive which is very, very helpful
 
@panictopeace If you have the downtime, & you said you have a roku, you should watch Maid on Netflix.
It might be hard to watch, but you will relate & you can see the good in leaving. You will also see the hardships if you go back… you did the safe smart thing. Stop putting him first. He sucks.
 
@jamiemellien23 Maid is very hard to watch for me. I relate so well with everything she went through. And it shows how women have such little resources when trying to leave an abuser and how it's so hard to leave with young kids. Ugh.
 
@katrina2017 My daughter is being so great right now.
I know it won't last, and she will be upset that we aren't with daddy right now, but I think it is for the best.
I think so at least.

It's not so much that I'm still in love with him, but we were very, very codependent, and im so used to doing everything for him.

You are right. If we didn't have a child, I'd probably Still be with him.
It's just after looking after him and then my daughter, I had nothing for myself.
And I guess I got tired of scraping the bottom of the barrel for me.
I was also tired of supporting his addictions as well.

Thank you so much for everything.
It's really meant a lot.
 
@panictopeace So you are going to have to change the list of priorities. You HAVE to be numero uno. Because if you're not taking care of you, how can you take care of your girl? And who's taking care of you if you're not?

As Maui would say in Moana "The ocean doesn't take care of you, you take care of yourself."

Being codependent is very common with relationships with people who have addictions. I've had therapy for years dealing with the outcomes of a childhood that left me codependent.

Thousands of dollars spent and one day I'm in marriage counseling and the therapist looks at me and says "You know, you're only truly responsible for yourself. You can only control you."

That phrase opened my eyes, and set me down a completely different path. My only regret is I was 31 when someone finally told me this.
 
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