@josephtheprotector Think of it this way: you are still mentally capable to enjoy the new relationship rather than being mentally regressed with alzheimer's or something.
I ( 50 f) have a daughter ( 27 ) that has been helping me and I don't know how to feel about it.
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josephtheprotector
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@josephtheprotector It actually brings me joy to take care of others. This is especially true of my mother. She took care of me and I’m happy SO happy to help take care of her. As long as your are grateful, she will not resent one minute of taking care of those little things that mean so much to you!
josephtheprotector
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@josephtheprotector 26 f - I have a daughter (3) and we live in our own house, but gets tons of help from my parents. I would do absolutely anything for them and it would break my heart to learn if they felt guilty if I helped them with anything. For me, helping them is a way of showing how much I love them. And I would never expect anything in return. I only hope I can be as good parent for my girl as they were for me. And I will always help them with whatever as long as they will let me.
Sorry for my English, not a native speaker. Hope this helps!
Sorry for my English, not a native speaker. Hope this helps!
josephtheprotector
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@joman1988 This did help and never apologize about your English. You would be amazed what I can read and understand. 
it's my specialty.
You are right. I should not feel guilty about this, I should feel blessed.
Since I posted this, we spent yesterday together. I posted an update. This is going to help me look at what we do together differently.
it's my specialty. You are right. I should not feel guilty about this, I should feel blessed.
Since I posted this, we spent yesterday together. I posted an update. This is going to help me look at what we do together differently.
josephtheprotector
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@joman1988 And you will be and are an amazing mom for your daughter. You are gonna make mistakes. You will think she hates you. she will think she hates you some days, but in the end, you will have each other. Always.
david_thesalmst
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@josephtheprotector 35F with a toddler here! I guarantee that she feels better knowing that you are getting the help you need.
My husband's family is full of elderly people (80+) with no self awareness about what they can and can't do. One of them broke 3 ribs because she refused to move out of her 3 story farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. She's doing fine now, but she spent months in the hospital and long term care during Covid because of her stubbornness. She caused herself unnecessary harm and her family unnecessary worry. I'm still salty about it, but I can't do anything about her situation.
You could pay someone to come help with some of the things your daughter does, but relying on paid non family members can be very hit or miss.
If you're worried about taking advantage of your daughter, you could offer to pay her a bit for her time, or to do things for her. Like a spa treatment or fancy cheeses, or whatever she likes. Pamper her in ways she might not do herself, if you can.
From my perspective, she's an adult who knows what she is willing to do. Make it clear to her that you can make other arrangements if she needs a break or something, and bask in the knowledge that you have a kind and caring daughter who loves you.!
My husband's family is full of elderly people (80+) with no self awareness about what they can and can't do. One of them broke 3 ribs because she refused to move out of her 3 story farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. She's doing fine now, but she spent months in the hospital and long term care during Covid because of her stubbornness. She caused herself unnecessary harm and her family unnecessary worry. I'm still salty about it, but I can't do anything about her situation.
You could pay someone to come help with some of the things your daughter does, but relying on paid non family members can be very hit or miss.
If you're worried about taking advantage of your daughter, you could offer to pay her a bit for her time, or to do things for her. Like a spa treatment or fancy cheeses, or whatever she likes. Pamper her in ways she might not do herself, if you can.
From my perspective, she's an adult who knows what she is willing to do. Make it clear to her that you can make other arrangements if she needs a break or something, and bask in the knowledge that you have a kind and caring daughter who loves you.!
josephtheprotector
New member
@david_thesalmst Thank you for all of this. We have an exchange system. She loves my cooking. We have a deal where I help with money, she helps with groceries and in exchange for her help, I feed us both. That way I don't feel it's so one sided. And I'll keep communicating.
@josephtheprotector i was surprised when you said middle child but the fact that she's the oldest daughter checks out
im an only child but a lot of my friend circle is only female kids or eldest daughters (idk how that happened lol) and we have a pretty close relationship with our respective parents. you sound like a very considerate mother, and she clearly likes doing what she's doing, i think things are okay tbh.
i think my mother feels guilty about being mothered even when she needs it. she fell ill and it messed with her joints for a few months and i wanted to help her. she eased into it eventually and i think it had to do w the fact that she could see an end in sight wrt her joint ache.
since your condition seems chronic i think either therapy or reading about what disability activists have to say about asking for help and about being a "burden". we're all burdens honestly but some just need help navigating more aspects of their lives that most. parents especially but also it's culture dependent. i live in india and it's more communal in terms of support systems you can expect to lean on so yk maybe that has something to with how i see asking for help and receiving it idk... (asking for mental health help is still a minefield though)
im an only child but a lot of my friend circle is only female kids or eldest daughters (idk how that happened lol) and we have a pretty close relationship with our respective parents. you sound like a very considerate mother, and she clearly likes doing what she's doing, i think things are okay tbh.
i think my mother feels guilty about being mothered even when she needs it. she fell ill and it messed with her joints for a few months and i wanted to help her. she eased into it eventually and i think it had to do w the fact that she could see an end in sight wrt her joint ache.
since your condition seems chronic i think either therapy or reading about what disability activists have to say about asking for help and about being a "burden". we're all burdens honestly but some just need help navigating more aspects of their lives that most. parents especially but also it's culture dependent. i live in india and it's more communal in terms of support systems you can expect to lean on so yk maybe that has something to with how i see asking for help and receiving it idk... (asking for mental health help is still a minefield though)
josephtheprotector
New member
@josephtheprotector Support groups are wonderful! I’m sure there’s disability (even specific disability) subreddits that could offer you some solidarity and help you reconcile with your needing help
I hope things go well for you, really
I hope things go well for you, really
josephtheprotector
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healingwords1
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@josephtheprotector I help my mother because I love her and I dont want her to get hurt, the more time is with me better
josephtheprotector
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@healingwords1 I like this. I'm proud of you for taking care of her
This makes me feel better. Thank you.
This makes me feel better. Thank you.
@josephtheprotector I (31f) help my mother in small ways, like I cook dinner for us throughout the week. We live about 5 minutes away from each other, so I can't do much more, as I also work full time, then pickup the kiddo from daycare.
It makes me happy to ensure that she has a proper meal, and helps me be motivated to cook instead of eating out. I love my mom though and it really has strengthened our relationship.
It makes me happy to ensure that she has a proper meal, and helps me be motivated to cook instead of eating out. I love my mom though and it really has strengthened our relationship.
josephtheprotector
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npeters618
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@josephtheprotector I am a 33yo mother of 2 (daughter is 9, son is 5). When I became a mother myself, and saw first hand how hard the never ending job truly was; I immediately began sorta doing the same thing as your daughter. I've always been pretty self sufficient, more mature than my siblings, and I mothered them to death. To this day my little brother tells other people I'm his 2nd Mama. Sometimes he will call me or come to me for motherly advice and help before he will our own mother. My mother, who is 53, widowed and lives alone, has been on a slow decline for the past 10 years or so. She just recently, as of November 2020, became legally disabled after fighting for it for years. Her short term memory has became utterly terrible, NOT remembering whether basic daily tasks had been completed or not. Physically, she has always been hands on, holding many jobs that stereotypically were meant for men. This caused her rapid physical decline. She is in constant pain with only 2 vertebrae functioning properly. She has been and will continue to attempt to do everything for herself, unable to let others do things for her.... HOWEVER, it's taken time for her to realize it's easier if I can help lighten her load. She, like you, hated it at first. She even kicked me out of her house one day over IT! I tried not to get upset over it and thought of the only way I could really explain to her that I was helping, NOT hindering. I explained that she carried me for 9 months, went through horrible labor, birthed me, fed me, clothed me, changed my diaper, and woke up every 2 hours to tend to my every need. At that time I couldn't do anything for myself.... but to remember as I got older I became independent, even arguing that I could put my own clothes on, my shoes, and could feed myself. I really couldn't, I was still a baby, I struggled, but I wanted to try to do it myself! So she let me try, and was always there to help me if I would ever let her. Now those roles have began to change. Yes, I was fully aware that she could perform said duties on her own, but if she would let me, I would like to help make it easier on her. She took care of my every need in my adolescent years, now was the time for me to show my gratitude, where I am forever indebted to her, and I pay her back for all of her love, support, generosity and patience.
Once she understood that I wasn't there to baby her, to tell her she couldn't do this or that, that I was only there to help her do things that had now become painful to do she was more open and willing. It wasn't long afterwards she realized that with my help to complete tasks faster than she could on her own, she now had more free time with lots more energy and a new drive she began enjoying her retirement and using her time for new hobbies she always wanted.
Chin up Mama, once your babies become mothers and realize everything you sacrificed for them, they will try to spend their whole lives trying to find the best ways possible to say thank you and I love you.
Once she understood that I wasn't there to baby her, to tell her she couldn't do this or that, that I was only there to help her do things that had now become painful to do she was more open and willing. It wasn't long afterwards she realized that with my help to complete tasks faster than she could on her own, she now had more free time with lots more energy and a new drive she began enjoying her retirement and using her time for new hobbies she always wanted.
Chin up Mama, once your babies become mothers and realize everything you sacrificed for them, they will try to spend their whole lives trying to find the best ways possible to say thank you and I love you.
josephtheprotector
New member
@npeters618 This touched me so much. I feel all of this. And it has been SO much easier and I can do SO much more for myself with her help. I was stuck in a hole and now I see light. She is such a big help and a blessing in my life. I don't know what I would do without her. I will take this as her Thank you and I love you. I really needed to read this. You are a wonderful human. Thank you for this and all you do.
@josephtheprotector My mom isn’t able to clean around the house as much as i am. She has fibromyalgia and MS. She’s 50, i’m 20, i do the cooking, cleaning, and i’m a stay at home mom with my 7 month old son. I’ve always helped her, i dont ever think much of it. I’m moving in August after my son hits 1 and i have been feeling guilty about leaving, which stinks. So i do love helping her, she’s my best friend, but i also wish i didnt feel the guilt in going my own way with my son.