I ( 50 f) have a daughter ( 27 ) that has been helping me and I don't know how to feel about it.

[josephtheprotector]

@lizabey Yeah, that's going to be hard. Is there any option to set up help for her before you leave?

By the way, thank you for what you do. You are a wonderful human being.

 

[winning]

@josephtheprotector As an adult child (33/F/only child) - I love whenever I can help my parents out. My mom has some significant health issues and I am over the moon when I can help take her to appointments, clean her house, bring meals over.

If she says she enjoys it, she is.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@winning Thank you!! I will enjoy that she enjoys it. I have no right to take that from her because of pride or guilt.

Thank you for what you do for your parents.

 

[godspell]

@josephtheprotector I am in my 40's with a teenage son & my parents are in their early 70's. I am more than happy to help them out with anything, any time! They are in good health, but are getting older & not able to do everything by themselves anymore. I am the only sibling that lives in the same town (my sister lives overseas). My son will cut the lawn & help Grandpa around the garden. I often help them out with minor tasks around the house & pay for things I can't do like cleaning gutters (3 story house). We have them over for dinner often. My point is that it's NOT an inconvenience or obligation to help them - I love them!! I enjoy spending time with them too! I often help out my other Aunts & Uncles as most of my cousins have moved away. If I didn't want to help them out, believe me I would have no problem telling them so.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@godspell Ok. This helps me a lot. We have talked about it, and she basically said the same thing you did,but as an abused person, I wasn't sure if she said it because she HAD to say it. You know? The trust issues run deep. Thank you so very very much for your perspective. It means a lot to me.

And bless you for what you do. I'm so very proud of you and who you are as a person.this really helps.

 

[godspell]

@josephtheprotector Asking for and accepting help when you need it does not make you weak or needy! On the contrary, it takes a lot of strength and bravery to ask for and to accept help. Leaning on your family and friends in time of need is ok! They love you and want to help. The same way you would help them if they were in need. Your daughter is an adult now, and she doesn't need you to 'take care of her' the same way as when she was a child. She mostly needs your love & emotional support now. Please don't feel guilty or like a 'burden'. No one that loves you would feel that way if you are appreciative for their help.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@godspell This almost brought a tear. I felt it in my soul. I did do a big thing asking for help and accepting it. Go me! I'll just have to accept their love as well! Thank you my friend

 

[josephtheprotector]

@jzblunt90 Thank you. I'll do that. I did a lot of things wrong as a parent, but looking at them now, I did a lot of things right with them. And I'm incredibly proud of the woman she became. And just who she is as a human being.

I am eternally grateful that I am not alone.

I'm so sorry you didn't get the mom you deserved and still deserve now. I'd be proud to have you as my child.

I wish so very much I could change things for you, past and present. You deserve so much better.

 

[se7ski]

@josephtheprotector My oldest is 24. She was my get the kids ready and make sure the house is clean kid growing up. I also suffer from an invisible disability. I've come to terms with it. I have PTSD (combat veteran), MDD, Generalized Anxiety, agoraphobia, and methamphetamine substance use disorder (I'm clean and sober) and finally at 45 years old, I'm being evaluated for ADHD. My daughter is a dealer at a small casino. When the pandemic hit, she was out of work. So she brought her son to come see me for a week. She spent that week helping get my house clean. She wasn't mean about it, but it broke my heart. She shouldn't be taking care of me. I'm the mom. Not her. The reality is I needed the help. My illness was out of control and I needed help. I've had friends come help me, so why is it so different for my daughter. It's a huge change of dynamic. I wasn't comfortable with it either. That's kind of how life goes though. We have babies, we raise babies. Those babies become adults and we get old. Then those babies take care of us. It's the cycle of life. I did use that week as inspiration to get my shit together and become med compliant. My house is still a mess, but it's not like it was. She's not worried about me anymore. She's still my little girl. She still calls me when she's sad. She still asks me to come take care of her when she's overwhelmed with life. She still lays her head in my lap and cries when she's hurt. I'm still her momma. She's just an adult now that's more than capable of helping the mama she loves. That's all it is.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@se7ski This just sums it all up for me.this is how I feel. And it is just so hard to accept! I also do all the mom things, I just can't do it all at this time. And I feel like once I GET caught up, I can stay caught up. I used to do it all the time, i just need a little help is all.

Thank you so much for telling me all of this. It is greatly appreciated.

 

[katrina2017]

@josephtheprotector This is not at all intended to be a rude or negative comment, but somehow it sounds like your child has been parentified..I would recommend looking up the subject and see if it matches up with her.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@katrina2017 I'll look into it. I don't want this. Thank you.

 

[josephtheprotector]

@katrina2017 I looked into it and I don't think that is what this is. That was more of what I was afraid it was. Thank you for directing me to that.very insightful and actually set my mind at ease.

 

[katrina2017]

@josephtheprotector Great! Thats why I recommended you looked into it, I didnt want to assume it was or was not (as im not around your family first hand, you know?)

 

[josephtheprotector]

@katrina2017 I appreciate it. I couldn't think of the word, thank you for it. I'm glad it's not as well

 

[rrlove]

@josephtheprotector I’m going to be 45 this year and have always done what I can for my family especially my mother, she & my father bought me up when I was young and gave me a wonderful life. I would never hesitate helping out where I can. Continue to be gracious and let your kind lovely daughter help and spoil you, thats what adult kids are for

 

[josephtheprotector]

@rrlove Lol, this really made me smile. You are right. I need to enjoy the love I am receiving. Thank you.

And thank you for taking care of your mom and dad.

You are a good child to them. I'm proud of you as a human.

 

[rrlove]

@josephtheprotector Thank you you’re so sweet & adorable & no wonder your great daughter wants to do things for you!

 

[josephtheprotector]

@rrlove Lol, I don't know about all that, but I try. Thank you!

 

[saveableme]

@josephtheprotector My father was disabled for the majority of my older life and when I was younger (his mom) my grandma also had the same issues mostly just diagnosed at an older age.

I can't give much advice and I read that you express your gratitude and thank her but from what I remember most about helping my father and grandma was as a child they asked me to let an adult help when I tried and that worked but they were utterly mean to their help.
In their cases they were paraplegic and I can't imagine how hard it is mentally though.

As I grew older and began to assist them along with my moms help, they began having bad attitudes towards me also.
I'm not sure if they were like this because the only control they had was verbal but it was almost so debilitating to even help because when helping them you would also get treated poorly.

Your daughter seems like such an incredible woman! It is obvious you know that and appreciate her.
Based on my experience, my only advice would be not to treat her.poorly even under mere frustration.
You seem wonderful also! Positivity goes a long way!