josephtheprotector
New member
@steven992 Yes, this is a good idea. And I'd never demand anything from anyone. You are right, I should not feel guilty. I'll continue checking in with her and communicating. Thank you so much.
I ( 50 f) have a daughter ( 27 ) that has been helping me and I don't know how to feel about it.
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dinofinney
New member
@josephtheprotector It's something that happens to a lot of families. Maybe it's happening to you a little sooner, but at least you seem well placed to accept the help. My own parents are getting on (mid/late 60s) but they've been able bodied their whole lives and aren't ready to accept that their age is starting to catch up to them. So sometimes they need help, or they can't help me in the way they'd like (for example, I don't think my mom can lift my 30lb toddler out of her crib, even if we were seeing them in person these days) but they don't want to accept that reality.
I think as long as you appreciate your daughter, and try to help her achieve her other goals in life, this is great. She clearly loves you, which makes you a lucky woman.
I think as long as you appreciate your daughter, and try to help her achieve her other goals in life, this is great. She clearly loves you, which makes you a lucky woman.
josephtheprotector
New member
@dinofinney Thank you . and I'm very very lucky. I appreciate her so much.
Edit: hit save too soon. Yes it is earlier than expected and i think that is what bothers me the most. I SHOULDN'T need help, but I do.
Edit: hit save too soon. Yes it is earlier than expected and i think that is what bothers me the most. I SHOULDN'T need help, but I do.
kbkxnightmare
New member
@josephtheprotector My mother is and always has been wonderful to me and anytime I can do something for her I feel good about it. I want to make her life easier because I remember how hard she fought for that for me. You raised a loving child and she wants to repay the favor. Enjoy the time together!
josephtheprotector
New member
@kbkxnightmare Thank you. I'm so glad for your perspective on this. And she does feel good doing things for me. I'll do more to relax my brain, accept and enjoy.
katrina2017
New member
@josephtheprotector Can you hire a home health aide, either through your insurance or privately, to help with some of the stuff she does so she doesn't feel like she needs to do it?
josephtheprotector
New member
@katrina2017 Oh hey.... That's a good idea. I'm working with a vocational rehab that does things like this. I'll look into that! Thank you!!
lilliumstar
New member
@josephtheprotector My kids aren’t adults - 17M 13F and 7F. My OH has MS but is physically OK, he just struggles with fatigue quite often and relapses can mean anything from extra tired to not being able to feel/use a limb for an unknown period. At any point he could nosedive.
My MH is a mess and I’ve barely left the house for 3 years. I’ve also got physical health issues which make bending/lifting/housework really difficult.
In our family, we are a team. The eldest two walk the dog. The eldest girl picks up poo. The boy makes endless cups of tea, helps with laundry and puts the bins out. The eldest girl sometimes does the dishwasher.
The youngest can’t do too much yet but if her dad is asleep on the sofa and I’m in bed (I’ve just had a hysterectomy so it’s more often than not right now) she will quietly entertain herself, get herself comfortable on the sofa and watch tv and have snacks/drinks. She knows she can ask the older two for help if she needs anything.
I feel extremely lucky. Guilty that they need to help so much, but I know they’re learning good life skills and they get pocket money at higher than the going rate plus spoilt on special occasions (who needs 8 Easter eggs?!).
Family is an amazing thing and I’m sure your daughter would hate for you to feel like a burden. I’m sure she views it as quality time and enjoys coming to have fun while also helping you.
Try not to guilt trip yourself for the help you need.
My MH is a mess and I’ve barely left the house for 3 years. I’ve also got physical health issues which make bending/lifting/housework really difficult.
In our family, we are a team. The eldest two walk the dog. The eldest girl picks up poo. The boy makes endless cups of tea, helps with laundry and puts the bins out. The eldest girl sometimes does the dishwasher.
The youngest can’t do too much yet but if her dad is asleep on the sofa and I’m in bed (I’ve just had a hysterectomy so it’s more often than not right now) she will quietly entertain herself, get herself comfortable on the sofa and watch tv and have snacks/drinks. She knows she can ask the older two for help if she needs anything.
I feel extremely lucky. Guilty that they need to help so much, but I know they’re learning good life skills and they get pocket money at higher than the going rate plus spoilt on special occasions (who needs 8 Easter eggs?!).
Family is an amazing thing and I’m sure your daughter would hate for you to feel like a burden. I’m sure she views it as quality time and enjoys coming to have fun while also helping you.
Try not to guilt trip yourself for the help you need.
josephtheprotector
New member
@lilliumstar Thank you. Sorry I missed this sooner. I'm glad you get where I'm coming from. And you are right, she would hate if I felt bad when she is nice to me. ( stems from abuse). I'm going to just enjoy our time.
Thank you. Keep loving your family, and them loving you.
Thank you. Keep loving your family, and them loving you.
lilliumstar
New member
@josephtheprotector You’re very welcome. As I type this 17M is making me a cup of tea while 13F empties the upstairs bins and 7F is watching YouTube.
Both me and partner accidentally overslept so 17M sorted 7F with breakfast and made sure she brushed her teeth and had a wash and changed her pjs etc.
I folded piles of laundry and everyone put their own clothes away.
If we have a special occasion 13F always insists on baking the cake and she does an amazing job.
I’m very lucky. The house runs so smoothly because my kids understand we struggle sometimes and they are fantastic.
I wouldn’t change anything, despite all the health problems. I know my kids will find life after living at home much easier because they have helped so much with stuff here.
I did have one friend tell me my kids don’t have a childhood because they help out in the house and do jobs to get their money etc. She said I’m forcing them to be mini adults and robbing them of a childhood.
She’s now an ex friend, mainly because she is the most lazy parent I’ve ever known. Too busy trying to sleep with as many men as possible that she only dresses her kids when they go out, maybe twice a week max. We were both visiting another friend (pre Covid) and we stayed 3 days. Her children didn’t have clothes or even pjs on the entire time and also spent every minute screaming constantly and fighting and sulking when they didn’t get their own way or when I told them to share nicely when they were snatching toys off the other kids.
Same friend won’t have Covid vaccine because she doesn’t know what’s in the vaccine but she sniffs coke and ket every weekend.
Refuses to wear a mask etc and she’s training as a midwife.
I could go on forever but basically she’s an ex friend now and I feel so much happier because I don’t have to listen to her bullshit or stop her naked children being brats.
Be proud that you raised a daughter who is loving and caring and wants to spend time with you as well as helping you!
If you ever struggle or feel down about it or anything feel free to message me. I waffle a lot but I’m a good listener x
Both me and partner accidentally overslept so 17M sorted 7F with breakfast and made sure she brushed her teeth and had a wash and changed her pjs etc.
I folded piles of laundry and everyone put their own clothes away.
If we have a special occasion 13F always insists on baking the cake and she does an amazing job.
I’m very lucky. The house runs so smoothly because my kids understand we struggle sometimes and they are fantastic.
I wouldn’t change anything, despite all the health problems. I know my kids will find life after living at home much easier because they have helped so much with stuff here.
I did have one friend tell me my kids don’t have a childhood because they help out in the house and do jobs to get their money etc. She said I’m forcing them to be mini adults and robbing them of a childhood.
She’s now an ex friend, mainly because she is the most lazy parent I’ve ever known. Too busy trying to sleep with as many men as possible that she only dresses her kids when they go out, maybe twice a week max. We were both visiting another friend (pre Covid) and we stayed 3 days. Her children didn’t have clothes or even pjs on the entire time and also spent every minute screaming constantly and fighting and sulking when they didn’t get their own way or when I told them to share nicely when they were snatching toys off the other kids.
Same friend won’t have Covid vaccine because she doesn’t know what’s in the vaccine but she sniffs coke and ket every weekend.
Refuses to wear a mask etc and she’s training as a midwife.
I could go on forever but basically she’s an ex friend now and I feel so much happier because I don’t have to listen to her bullshit or stop her naked children being brats.
Be proud that you raised a daughter who is loving and caring and wants to spend time with you as well as helping you!
If you ever struggle or feel down about it or anything feel free to message me. I waffle a lot but I’m a good listener x
josephtheprotector
New member
@lilliumstar Thank you for this. And yes, glad she is an ex friend. I got tired reading that lol. You are an amazing mom and you have an amazing family. Nothing is perfect, but you guys are close!
Thank you for the invitation. I'll message. Can't remember if I mentioned it above, but I posted an update if you want to check it out.
Keep being awesome.
Thank you for the invitation. I'll message. Can't remember if I mentioned it above, but I posted an update if you want to check it out.
Keep being awesome.
lilliumstar
New member
@josephtheprotector I just read your update. I’m so happy. You bought an amazing gift and also helped out your DIL in the process.
It’s lovely to help people out, getting amazing gifts like the one you got with make her feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I have no doubt whatsoever that she didn’t want or expect anything in return for what she’s doing so it must have been a fantastic welcome surprise for her!
The painting and story behind it are absolutely beautiful.
It’s lovely to help people out, getting amazing gifts like the one you got with make her feel all fuzzy and warm inside. I have no doubt whatsoever that she didn’t want or expect anything in return for what she’s doing so it must have been a fantastic welcome surprise for her!
The painting and story behind it are absolutely beautiful.
josephtheprotector
New member
@lilliumstar
- smile * thanks. We have a lot of fun together. I asked her to come over later for dinner and I ordered out for dessert. After I invited her she said, " I'm so excited!" That made me feel better than anything she could have said or done. She was just excited to see me. That reassured me that I'm not a burden and that she WANTS to be around me, not that she HAS to be around me.
josephtheprotector
New member
@lilliumstar Just realized i put the update on the wrong sub
katrina2017
New member
@josephtheprotector I was 25 when my mom died. She had stage 4 breast cancer. For a few years, I took care of her by myself. There were times that I got burnt out, but I truly felt happy to help my mom. You sound like a very caring and attentive mother, and the fact that you raised such a compassionate daughter shows it. Maybe she feels like it's only fair to give back to you? That's how I felt with my mom. I know you and your daughter are still young, so this isn't how or when you pictured needing help, but life is so unpredictable and it's important to be able to go with the flow. You should be proud of yourselves.
I would suggest at least checking in with your daughter regularly. Like, asking her if there's anything you can do to help her? My mom couldn't do Or if you should ask for help from someone else for x thing to give her some relief? It sounds like she is more than happy to help, which is great, but it can be overwhelming and sometimes she may need a break to care for herself. It will only make her a better caregiver.
I just became a mom to a girl myself so I have been examining my own relationship with my mom a lot lately, and I definitely understand where you're coming from. I don't think I would want to burden my daughter with caring for me either. It would make me feel pretty guilty. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I would suggest at least checking in with your daughter regularly. Like, asking her if there's anything you can do to help her? My mom couldn't do Or if you should ask for help from someone else for x thing to give her some relief? It sounds like she is more than happy to help, which is great, but it can be overwhelming and sometimes she may need a break to care for herself. It will only make her a better caregiver.
I just became a mom to a girl myself so I have been examining my own relationship with my mom a lot lately, and I definitely understand where you're coming from. I don't think I would want to burden my daughter with caring for me either. It would make me feel pretty guilty. I'm sorry you're going through this.
josephtheprotector
New member
@katrina2017 Thank you for your empathy. You make some incredibly valid points. There are things I do for her. She doesn't have a car, so on days she comes over, I let her take the car home and keep it until I go back to work. She also doesn't mind running errands with me so it all works out. I Will keep checking in with her. We are very open with each other in that way. And you know,I'm very proud of us. This is not the future I saw, but then again, who knew I'd live this long! Lol. Thank you for this. And when it is your turn to be helped by your daughter, remember what you said to me, and what you did.
myjesus1797
New member
@josephtheprotector I'm going to tell you right now that as the daughter and granddaughter in this situation I wanted to help.
My mother was a diabetic. She was very strong emotionally, but as I got older there were things she needed help with. She never asked. I helped her because I loved her and knew she needed me. These are some of my best memories because she passed when I was in my late teens.
My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in my late 30s. I immediately moved in and did whatever she needed for the next few months, until she also passed. This was also done out of love. She would apologize constantly, but she never needed to.
I was there for both of them because everything I was doing for them out of love, they had already done for me for the same reason. They took care of me as a child. I would do it for them now that they needed me.
I'm so glad I have those memories. That extra time just talking or being in the same room means everything to me.
My mother was a diabetic. She was very strong emotionally, but as I got older there were things she needed help with. She never asked. I helped her because I loved her and knew she needed me. These are some of my best memories because she passed when I was in my late teens.
My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in my late 30s. I immediately moved in and did whatever she needed for the next few months, until she also passed. This was also done out of love. She would apologize constantly, but she never needed to.
I was there for both of them because everything I was doing for them out of love, they had already done for me for the same reason. They took care of me as a child. I would do it for them now that they needed me.
I'm so glad I have those memories. That extra time just talking or being in the same room means everything to me.
josephtheprotector
New member
@myjesus1797 Thank you for this. And for your perspective. This helps me see it in a different light. Part of my personality is not feeling deserving of good things. And that's my hang up that I am going to have to work through and let go of, or I'll never be truly happy and appreciative.
I'm proud of you for what you do.
I'm proud of you for what you do.
@josephtheprotector Don't worry about it. If she wants to help just feel loved and cared for.