i’m worried that my eating disorder will come back post partum and I’m really scared

[aiambutasmallvoice]

only 4 months and I’m terrified for how much bigger i’ll get in the next 5 months. I’m feeling really insecure and self conscious…i wish that was enough motivation to go to the gym every day but this pregnancy is kicking my ass and I’m just so drained. i have a little more energy in this second trimester and I need to get myself to the gym as much as possible because I just really don’t want to gain too much weight

 

[vijayadass]

@aiambutasmallvoice I am in the same boat. I increased my exercise at week 14-15 after losing weight with HG. I’m now 21 weeks, and my belly has gotten larger. I do feel like exercising has made me feel like a total badass. My husband said he watched me run the other day and said, “wow, that is so impressive.” I’ve tried to change my mindset to “look at what my body can do.” Instead of, “look at how my body is changing.” That’s helped. Sending love.

 

[ozzie123]

@vijayadass Can confirm that exercise while pregnant does make one feel like a badass!

 

[angelod]

@aiambutasmallvoice sending so much love. I have not had an eating disorder (other than just like…being a teen in the early 2000s and the cultural mess that was for body image), so take what serves you and throw out what doesn’t.

Pregnancy was a hard reframe for me. I always had a pretty good relationship with my body but pregnancy is an unknown, and you are not in “control” the way you are over a single body.

Stuff that made it especially hard was being treated as just a body by random strangers and medical staff, not being able to workout the way I liked to, and hating maternity clothes.

Some thoughts that helped:

1. Thinking of pregnancy and post-partum like a serious injury or illness. I wouldn’t try to rush a ripped hamstring or be mad at myself for not working out with the flu. So then…why am I so hard on myself about pregnancy? Pregnancy is HARD on the body and different for everyone. Some folks have no issues, some do, but just because some influencer ran until delivery doesn’t mean it’s right for me. Part of being “fit” is knowing when you need to rest and recover. Running on a torn hamstring would make it astronomically worse. Sometimes rest is best.
2. I also had to recognize that I hadn’t been here before and didn’t know my body limits as a pregnant person. Under normal circumstances I had learned to judge my max, but pregnancy isn’t normal and I had to err on the slightly lower end.
3. You have your whole life to work on your fitness goals. It feels like a long time now but overall it really isn’t. You have your body your whole life, so be kind to it.
4. 15 min rule- go out for 15 min! If I hate it after that, stop. Also, some days I just had to recognize that a nap was the best choice. Do what you need, not what you think you “should”. Where did those “shoulds” come from anyway?
5. As a parent, I now try to look at myself and think “is this the model I want to set for my kid?”. If I wouldn’t want my kid to treat herself this way, I really have to rethink my own behavior.
6. If you don’t Iike how your clothes look, it’s the fault of the clothes, not you.

Maternity options are miserable and dumb. Your body is exactly the shape it needs to be to support two lives.

1. TW: obstetric violence/traumatic birth

I almost died in delivery due to being abused by the doc on call. When I got back from the hospital I truly could not give a flying f*ck what I weighed, only that I had made it, and that my body had somehow kept both of us alive despite some truly staggering incompetence and abuse. It was tough to go back to work and have people be like “you look great!” Because it took all I had to not just be like “yes, I’m alive! Stop dumping your own body norms on me!” We are told a lot by others, but what do you actually need and want?

Lots of love.

 

[aiambutasmallvoice]

@angelod I really appreciate this response, thank you so much

 

[dawnhammer]

@angelod You are nothing short of a hero

 

[john52]

@angelod I love this list so much, especially the first one. Thanks for sharing!

 

[ophanim]

@aiambutasmallvoice I’m currently 35 weeks and up until 30 weeks was exercising regularly which really helped with the old ED thoughts ‘eg I’m strong, I can run, I need food to fuel myself’ but suddenly at 30 weeks I had to have emergency surgery, (baby is thankfully okay) and I’m signed off work and can’t do anything more than walking or light stretching.
Not gonna lie it sucks, the ED thoughts are stronger now I’m not exercising and it is hard to make myself eat, knowing I’m not gonna be moving as much.
Just trying to tell myself it’s for the baby and after they come I can get back into running again which probably isn’t the right mindset but it’s all I have right now!

 

[katrina2017]

@ophanim I feel similarly. I didn’t have surgery but up until 31 weeks I was still running like 30+ miles a week and then all of a sudden my body just couldn’t handle it anymore and running is too painful. It’s so hard to fight the ED thoughts during pregnancy.

 

[upanddown]

@aiambutasmallvoice Having my son healed me. It wasn’t about me anymore and I experienced love that I didn’t know possible. It made me feel worthy of caring for myself better. I just had my second son and I trust my body to heal again this time. I am free to focus on him. Our bodies are amazing and I hope you have a story like mine.

 

[aiambutasmallvoice]

@upanddown I really hope so too, thank you

 

[mdwhite]

@aiambutasmallvoice Honestly I was worried about this too. I was SO hard on myself about making sure I worked out a minimum 3 days a week during pregnancy. Then once I was cleared postpartum I was doing 5 days a week. But I couldn’t keep weight on while breastfeeding and by 4.5 weeks post partum I lost all the weight. Then my supply tanked because I couldn’t eat enough calories while working out and breastfeeding. So feeding my child has helped me with eating a lot.

 

[mikesb]

@aiambutasmallvoice Do you have a counselor you can talk to about this? Its totally okay to need more support.

 

[katrina2017]

@aiambutasmallvoice I’m 35 weeks and have always been very petite, and people constantly commenting on how “huge” my bump is has been really hard. I have an above-average sized baby (which is great!) and again I’m small so it’s really hard to see my stomach sometimes. I understand.

 

[emiejo327]

@aiambutasmallvoice I felt the same . I worked out pretty steadily til about 34 weeks then just couldn’t . But I had a c section ( breech baby ) 2 weeks ago and already lost 17 pounds of the 32 I gained without trying and combo feeding breast milk and formula . Just walks slow around my apartment complex a few times a week for 20-45 mins.
A year before pregnancy I had a broken arm and had to recover that at the gym and had just gotten through that and was lifting more then before the broken arm so I think already going through the sucky part of a recovery and seeing how I can come back kept me from spiraling of “ my lifting will never be the same “
So know that the weight can come off fast , pre pregnancy recovery is possible . And that over all as cheesy as it sounds pregnancy and delivery is the biggest fucking workout of your life .

 

[americanhoney]

@aiambutasmallvoice Therapy therapy therapy. Your eating disorder does not have to come back. A therapist will help. Get a therapist who specializes in ED recovery. Like, today. Wishing you health & healing

 

[roky23]

@aiambutasmallvoice If you don’t already work with a therapist, now would be a good time to book appointments and build a rapport so you can tee yourself up for success for the remainder of the pregnancy and postpartum. Life is hard, shit like this doesn’t need to make it harder.

 

[iwaslostbutnow]

@aiambutasmallvoice im 37 weeks with my second pregnancy and tbh i hate how much i gained. the scale is my biggest enemy and i dread it every appointment. but at the same time i know that i can bounce back again given that i have before. strength training and basic cardio helped me shed the baby weight so im looking forward to it. idk if anyone does this (maybe im weird lol) but i take vids of myself week by week to see how much bigger i got over time . so i feel your pain and just know that once it is done, you can get back to the gym. I went to the gym up till 5 months in pregnancy and then I couldn’t do it no more (in college and had midterms/finals to focus on). Don’t worry too much about it and just know we all have the same feeling towards gaining too much. I hate the double chin I be having

 

[zyphyr]

@aiambutasmallvoice I don’t necessarily have ED history and there’s some great advice in here about getting support with that, which is so important, and I just wanted to say that before I throw in what I hope will help!

I am a powerlifter 22 weeks pregnant with #2. I love being a mom, I friggin hate pregnancy. I worked so hard for years to feel stronger, so going backwards and feeling weak really sucks. If you have a main takeaway from my comment, I hope it’s that you do whatever YOU personally can to meet your goals postpartum. Here are some things that helped me with mine:

• workouts and diet during pregnancy are for the sake of my health now to be in the best position possible postpartum
• they are about 30 minutes and look absolutely nothing like powerlifting, but they will help me recover quicker, and at the very least, help me build/keep the habit of working out
• investing in home gym equipment
• learning to accept that some things are in my control and some things are not. It’s not all or nothing
• I was afraid of being one of those people who stopped what I loved (powerlifting) and just made excuses that I was too busy with everything else and just letting myself go. My husband said “it’s too important to you for that to happen” and that has always stuck with me
• set realistic goals while giving yourself some grace. Mine will be similar to my last pregnancy, which is to train with a barbell again by the end of 2024 (I’m due in May) and compete again within 2 years of having #2. These are a little longer timelines than with my first, because I know 2 may take more out of me - and I’m happy to say I met my goals with my first!

Good luck! We’re always here if you need someone to talk to.

 

[aiambutasmallvoice]

@zyphyr I appreciate this, thank you