I’m scared of my husband going back to work on Monday

@marialavender 7 weeks into having my baby wa s probably one of the worst places I’ve been in my life. I had a really difficult infant too - at night me and my husband would wear noise cancelling headphones and pass the baby back and forth for hours and hours. I had really bad anxiety too and remember thinking we had made a huge mistake we could never take back.

For us it got SO much better at 3 months. He just seemed to hate the world a whole lot less and started smiling at us which was super cute. He’s 8 months now and while he’s still not what I would call an easy baby, we’re universes away where we were.

If I can suggest anything, get support any way you can. I joined an online moms support group for postpartum mood disorders and it’s been really great. I also got on meds which for me has been a game changer - I’ve had severe anxiety for a long time but no longer was able to manage without meds. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope you can hang in there and get any support you think would be helpful. You’re not a bad mom, just human. So many people have been through this even if they don’t talk about it.
 
@marialavender Really happy to hear this! If you’re not sure where to start, find a practice which has a few therapists and call reception and tell them your situation. It’s what I did and they were able to recommend someone perfectly suited to me. It really helps to feel like you have someone on your side whose job is to help YOU. Everyone else will be focused on the baby, which is a good thing, but you need looking after too.
 
@marialavender The newborn phase blows. My mantra was “time is elapsing.” Your job is to try to help this angry tiny human figure their shit out. If you’re trying, you’re doing fine. And better yet, TIME IS ELAPSING! Your kid will be less of a basket case later and so will you. My experience was similar to yours. “I’ve made a huge mistake.” But once I got this beautiful child into part time care, life is good! Yes it is still hard sometimes. But those people who say “just wait” till toddlerhood or whatever, they are WRONG. If you have a rage baby, everything gets easier every day. Right now, terrible. Get all the support you can. If you can afford occasional care, get it. You will make it through and your child will be safe, secure, and healthy. Absolutely sucks. But literally easier every week.
 
@marialavender This is honestly the hardest part. There was a moment I was not proud of when my daughter wouldn’t latch, I couldn’t sleep, and I need to pump. I was so hungry/so sleep deprived, I lost it. I calmly put her in her crib safe and went in the kitchen and scream cried. I realized there was little things I was doing to make the situation worse.

I should have stopped pumping when I realized that it was so stressful for my mental health. I bought more bottles for her milk instead of constantly washing the 6 that I had. I always made food and ate it as I pumped.

I made a gameplay based on the day. Sometimes my plans didn’t work, but sometimes it went beautifully. As she got older, I figured her out. I got more sleep. We communicated with each other. I tried everything and when something worked, great. If it didn’t, I’ll try something else.

Basically part of parenting is trial and error. There is no right or wrong way. It’s just basically chess moves and counter moves.

It gets so much easier momma! They are only this little for a short time. It always gave me hope when someone said “it gets easier!” Or “nothing last forever.
 
@marialavender My husband only got six weeks of leave and I can’t lie, those first few months after he went back were really hard. There were days I would sit by the front door waiting for him to get home because I couldn’t take another minute of screaming. 8 weeks is usually the peak of awful, then it slowly starts to get better (my kid was born early and peaked around 12 weeks). It’s hard, but you will get through it, and you never have to do it again. I also had low supply and my kid couldn’t breastfeed efficiently and I pumped way too long. I would really recommend going 100% formula. I felt so much better when I quit.
 
@tsegab The one good part is my husband works from home. He can’t leave his desk often, but a few times in the day he can bring me water or food or let the dogs out to potty.

I knew I would quit breastfeeding early. I think it really is time to start going formula only. It’s just too much for me.
 
@marialavender And that’s ok! One of my biggest regrets from that time period is how much energy I wasted feeling guilty about how I was feeding my baby. My formula fed kiddo is a thriving young boy. I know that doesn’t address everything you brought up but I just wanted to say- you’re providing food for your baby one way or another. Don’t waste a second worrying about it not being the way you expected it to be.
 
@marialavender I felt this way exact way I was absolutely miserable. Please push on through because there will be a day when you feel happy I promise you. It was 100 days after my son was born until I felt an actual connection to him. It’s okay. These are dark days. The first 3-4 months were the darkest days of my entire life but the total 180 it’s done is unbelievable I never would’ve believed it. But things do get better.

Imagine you’re the manager of a company now with no training and no sleep… that’s what you’re doing and you’re going to succeed.
 
@marialavender My son is almost 3 and I nearly cried the other day because I got to do an online exam and I painted a wall in my bathroom and he was just focused on his little people village.

I have myself back and I’ve had myself back for a year and a half (the first 18 months I just felt like a mom and that’s It) and seeing him grow into an independent human as I grow into the mom I want to be makes those terrible newborn days of hell and anxiety worth it.

I have faith in you!
 
@marialavender Random question but WHO made the 4th trimester so freaking difficult ? Why so much struggle for the baby (reflux,feeding issues etc) and for the parents ?

Who thought it was a good idea to make pregnancy and labour so much “fun” and pain ?

Why is parenting so difficult in general ?

Whether it’s GOD, the Creator, whatever you believe in … WHY?
 
@craig530 I think the evolutionary answer is because if humans gestated any longer, the darn things literally wouldn't fit through women's hips.

The 4th trimester is a very apt term though. You can watch the birth of a giraffe or deer or something, and the baby is standing up and walking around the same day!
 
@craig530 It is crazy how hard it is to keep a baby alive lol. I constantly find myself wondering how our species got so large, we are standing on the shoulders of some tough-ass women having loads of kids!!!
 
@marialavender Certainly talk to your husband if you haven’t already. It is perfectly normal all the things you are talking about, so the best option is for you to talk about it and ask for help.
Like others have said this is normal new born behaviour and you’re certainly not doing a bad job so don’t think that. Your breast milk production will stop if you are stressed so it’s a downward spiral there unfortunately, but again there are plenty of women who can’t breast feed so don’t think of it as you being a bad mother.
You will start to get into a routine and by then you will be a pro.
I hope the comments on here give you some insight.
Keep going, you’re doing great.
 
@circuitouspath Thank you. I do feel better reading all of these comments. My husband is aware of how I feel, he is very supportive. He is stressed and having a hard time too. I sent him the link to this post so he can see all of the nice replies.
 
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