I’m at a loss with my 7 year old

[keji]

@tylerfrench Japanese society is also special in some regards. And adults. And in a work environment.

I am not saying she should smash cars. My point is instead of trying to inhibit the behaviour, try to direct it.

 

[win2888bet]

@tylerfrench Japanese society has a lot of problems specific to that country and it’s people that we don’t deal with here. Between the sexual oppression and the constant need to be number 1 and then the lack of belief in mental illness/therapy..it’s a lot. Japanese culture is basically all about suppressing yourself and not talking about important emotional things.

 

[ericthesinner]

@tylerfrench I mean she never went in a smashing tirade. She’d usually just yell and cheer with the song, by the time it was over we were all laughing and dancing!
There is a limit to the chaos we allow even in a “safe space”

 

[monalisast33]

@tylerfrench Live in Japan and my son is Japanese. Same situations as OP's daughter. I wouldn't take any advise from Japan on how to handle emotions. The culture here is very much all about hiding emotions and not talking about them.

 

[knarf11]

@ericthesinner Easy, you simply consume another child in front of her at home so she knows she has to watch her back even at home!

Your mileage may vary.

 

[win2888bet]

@ericthesinner Our son is the same age as your daughter. He was diagnosed with ADHD last year, not saying your daughter has adhd this is just info, and he acts a lot like your daughter. I’m the mom and yeah, he’s worse for me than for my husband. I feel all of this. I noticed sensory issues with our son at a very young age. He’s always been particular about noise level (in regards to music/tv/crowds not himself lol) and water temperature. The water temp is the biggest one but that’s mostly related to showering/bathing.

Anyways, I’m not on the other side of this telling you it’ll get better. I’m in the mess of it with you, we both are. It’s a roller coaster of they do things like make toast and then the next day write on your MIL’s car in permanent marker…yes, that happened today. It’s hard and sometimes it feels like every day brings a new challenge with it. Getting your kid help is the very first step but don’t neglect yourselves in the midst of this. Parenting is hard as it is but if you two need therapy to help yourselves cope with the behaviors and the difficulty please do so. It’s absolutely worth it!

I didn’t care for some of the books my sons therapist suggested but my best friend lent me the book,” How to handle a hard-to-handle kid.” Honestly, amazing and so validating even in just the first chapter. You’re not alone but I know how lonely it is. I’ve sobbed on my husbands chest feeling like a failure and that I’m failing our kid. The majority of mental illness runs on my side of the family and I’m pretty certain I have adhd as well (hoping to be diagnosed soon). It’s hard not to blame yourself or to start blaming your kid.

You love your kiddo a ton that’s obvious from your post. Getting them and yourselves help is the best thing you can do in this situation. Also, try to remember that your kid doesn’t have any control over these intense waves of emotions. She’s not doing it to make you angry or be malicious. Her brain and her body chemistry are working against her and she’s left with the fall out and feeling even more lost than you guys. This loss of self control is uncomfortable, frustrating, and for some kids just plain painful. Be gentle with her and with yourself.

Some advice!!

Highly recommend breathing exercises.

One on one time with each parent as you are able with a baby around.

A punching bag. Not kidding. I got our kid an inflatable Jurassic World one and he loves punching it.

Always get down to her level when she starts to escalate. Tell her,” deep breath in and out, in and out. Now, hold your tongue to the roof of your mouth and count to 10. Now one more deep breath. Let’s try again.”

Talk to her about how she can make a better decision next time she’s in a situation. Make sure she knows she’s allowed to express her emotions she’s just not allowed to do it in a disrespectful or harmful way.

Screaming into a pillow can be helpful. When I was younger I’d take fruit that was starting to turn and throw it against our backyard brick wall to help relieve stress/anger.

Kids yoga! They have some (cartoon themed) yoga and meditation on YouTube for kids these days.

 

[crusader321]

@ericthesinner When you find out, let me know

 

[batterydave]

@richardy Shoot, my son (5) must feel safer than any other human on earth then!

But seriously I think we all go through this at some point

 

[win2888bet]

@batterydave This is true and it’s a kind thought, but for some kids it’s just different and far more extreme. My son is one of those kids for who it’s more extreme (he has adhd) so it makes this typical scenario is even worse.

 

[batterydave]

@win2888bet I was actually thinking this when reading, we think my son has adhd but haven’t got him tested yet. I didn’t mean any disrespect, just adding some light humor to something we all deal with to varying degrees

 

[win2888bet]

@batterydave Oh no! I know you didn’t that’s why this sub is a favorite of mine. Majority of the people in here are very kind and thoughtful.

As for your own kiddo, I wish you the very best. Getting in to do testing can be a bear but it’s absolutely worth it. Actually, most folks don’t know that adhd is genetic so if you or your partner or any of your siblings have it it’s more likely your kiddo will to. Yay genes!

 

[pocahuhntosss]

@richardy In the context of school, we call it after school restraint collapse. But the idea is generally the same. Kid holds their shit together all da, and loses said shit once home and in a safe emotional space.

 

[bleedingknight]

@richardy Any way you can remember what that’s called? Thank you

 

[stephenaaron]

@richardy Yup if it's a happy home Mum and Dad are like base camp after an stressful mountaineering trip. So the acting out at home could still be due to stress at school or other factors

 

[srividhya]

@richardy By the time you get home they are tired too.
Make sure as well that you aren’t rewarding the behavior or caving into it out of tiredness.

Had a good bud of mine with a daughter just like this but he and his wife were as consistent as she was stubborn, and now that she is older and can communicate even better she may argue a bit but doesn’t tantrum or hit anymore.

 

[raphelmathew]

@richardy We made my parents life a nightmare, but we’re super good to our teachers/others. When my mom asked my brother why, his response was, “well, if we have to act out around someone, would you rather it be someone else or at home?” She seemed content with that

 

[balthazar]

@richardy Is that "restraint collapse"?

 

[iamzelda]

@ericthesinner Totally unrelated but there is homecoming in elementary schools now?

 

[ericthesinner]

@iamzelda She does cheer so she’s a part of it

 

[katrina2017]

@ericthesinner Man, we are like twinsies right now.

7 year old step daughter here. In cheer and tumbling. Little angel overachiever at school. Super jealous of her little brother at home. Had a minor bullying complaint because she and her friends were ganging up on another friend at school, but that's about it.

When she gets home if she doesn't have a tablet in her face, she is a small devil. Screaming. Stomping. Hitting walls and acting like she has no clue who in the home it could have been. Sat in her spot? Pulls her own hair and bashes her head on (soft) surfaces. Ask her to clean up after herself? Fight about it for 17 minutes, threaten, then she cleans. Refuses to eat dinner 60% of the time and mom just enables her and gives her snacks before bed.

Her mom has to constantly threaten to not take her places or give her less presents. We argue because that does literally nothing. She responds with an "I don't care." I hate this form of, well, lack-of punishment.

Just know, you're not alone. It's rough.