How to not be irrationally resentful at husband for getting full sleep every night?

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steveepperson

New member
I take every night shift for our 6-week-old as I'm breast feeding. A couple weeks in I was going a bit crazy so I asked my husband to take 1 feeding a night. Initially asked him to take the early a.m. feeding at 5:30 or 6. For a variety of reasons he said he could not with work, etc. So gave him the dream feed - around 11 p.m. or midnight. This became 10 or 10:30 instead as he said he could not stay up super late with work. Last night, I spent 30 minutes pumping to give him a bottle for the 10 p.m. feed. Baby fell asleep during feeding and my husband left (he sleeps in guest room). Baby woke up a short while later and was fussy so I finished the feeding. My husband did text me and ask how it was going and I said I'd finish the feeding as I'd already started. But I ended up taking every feeding again, plus pumping unnecessarily. The baby then had a horrible night of sleep, and I was up every couple hours.

This morning I see my husband was up until midnight sending me Instagram videos and also had cracked open a bottle of whiskey. I felt rage - could he not have offered a later dream feed if he was up that much later anyway? Is it really "too late" for work to feed her (as he told me earlier) if he is up that late on social media and having a drink? Or am I being irrational in my sleep deprived state? When I asked him, he said he was working until midnight. This is possible (every so often he pours a drink while doing late night stuff).

When I bring up night shifts I feel like there are always reasons he can't. He has occasionally stayed up until 2 a.m. with her but never taken a full night.
 
@steveepperson A slightly different solution:
My partner gets up with me to change the baby's nappy, which allows me to pee, refill my water bottle and get some snacks. Once he's handed the baby to me to breastfeed he then sets up the baby's swaddle and checks if I need anything else.

He gets to go to bed straight after so he gets more sleep, however it makes me feel supported and valued and like we're in this together! He also supervises the baby in the afternoon so I can get a much needed nap!
 
@bomberboy this is exactly what i had my partner do those early days too. yeah i could change the diaper etc myself but it was nice to not do it all alone. those nights are so lonely. and being able to pee and get a drink before i fed the baby made it much easier and more comfortable and made me feel liek my partner cared about me.
 
@epicy This is what we did as well during the newborn stage. Now that we are typically down to one wake up per night I do nights and my husband does any early morning wake ups (anything after 5 am).
 
I would sleep 9-12 and my husband would be with baby. I’d then nurse baby and go back to sleep until 3 or 4, then I’d be with baby while husband slept until 8 or 9. He has a flexible job so that helped a lot. He also functions better on less sleep than I do so he often lets me sleep longer.
 
@steveepperson Ok so here is the thing- you also work during the day. You work to keep a human alive (plus allll the other house/life things). You might not be paid, but you work to keep a human alive. I want the person keeping that human alive to be well rested so they can do that safely. That they aren’t so exhausted that they forget to turn off the oven or fall asleep w baby on the couch. So don’t for a second think that because he works outside the home he can make these bullshit rules. Having a baby is exhausting for both parents.

You feed. He burps and changes and gets baby back to sleep. That is how it goes. You have one baby to take care of you don’t need another.

Seriously do not have sex with this man until and unless he gets that through his mind. Why would you risk bringing another human into the world if he doesn’t parent the one you already have.

My husband was up with every feeding. I fed, then would wake him to change and reswaddle. My feedings took 30 min, his part took 15. So the idea that me. Can’t do this is bs. Seriously tell him you will hire a night nanny at $50/hr if he can’t help you. Because you need to sleep.
 
@steveepperson My husband works a highly physical job with tons of stress. He took 1/3 the night so I could sleep 5-6 hours a night. More on the weekends. It's his baby too, this isn't a choice.
 
@steveepperson He got home from work around 6pm. He slept 9ish to 3ish. I slept 2ish to 7/8am-ish. He usually has breakfast waiting for me then went to work around 830/9.

He was lucky to have an understanding boss so as long as he was at work before 10 and did all the things they didn't care for a couple months. Whoever wasn't asleep in bed, took cat naps on the couch so that the other person could sleep undisturbed. I used a hakkaa to get milk for bottles.
 
@steveepperson I would be resentful if that doesn’t change.

My husband is a surgeon who works 80+ hrs/week. We did shifts when my baby was small. Do I do the majority of the night work? Yes. But he’s a parent too, he can wake up once/night so I’m not totally trashed.
 
@steveepperson Man so long ago…I think we usually flipped a coin/stated an arbitrary preference for 10-2 or 2-6? We did that for a while when baby was waking up every 2h and needed a whole diaper change and everything. Our second one was usually pretty sleepy at night and went right back to sleep after feeds, so as he got older we switched to me doing feeds (happened more often) and then him being the one to handle it if he needed a diaper or extra soothing (actually had to get out of bed).
 
@steveepperson This isn't irrational at all. What the heck, I'd be livid. He should do all night feeds from now on because obviously he can stay up long and that doesn't affect his work schedule.
 
@steveepperson You need to remind him he has equal responsibility parenting the child he helped create. Parenting isn’t easy. Sacrifices are required. He needs to realize this now and start pulling his weight or this is just going to get progressively one-sided
 
@steveepperson Unless your husband has a job that absolutely requires him to get a full night of sleep, he is being ridiculous.

My husband and I split night duties 50-50. It's easier because we formula feed but your husband should absolutely do at least one night feeding. We were able to do this split even when each of us was working while the other was on leave (my husband took his parental leave when mine ran out).
 
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