1stjohn0666
New member
@phytoscience1 we will likely get an au pair when we have the space! my husbands dad and stepmom are both surgeons and they had au pairs when their kids were younger (they’re teenagers now).
Pls help. Irrationally angry w husband :(
- Thread starter 1stjohn0666
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kimmie_kimm
New member
@1stjohn0666 In the same boat and pretty much fighting with my husband now because he also refuses to help with the wake ups at night, but then complains he’s tired?!
It’s gotten to the point where my work time = my me time so I’m really slacking tbh but my boss says I’m doing great so
. When I’m at work I indulge in that holiday coffee, a nice lunch, and yes online shop or something sneak out for a walk or workout because that’s all I have to myself.
It’s gotten to the point where my work time = my me time so I’m really slacking tbh but my boss says I’m doing great so
. When I’m at work I indulge in that holiday coffee, a nice lunch, and yes online shop or something sneak out for a walk or workout because that’s all I have to myself.@kimmie_kimm Work time being me time is so real.
stephendoxey
New member
@1stjohn0666 Just wanted to send a hug. My husband was a surgical resident when my son was born and I'm a lawyer, so my job was also demanding. My husband was (and continues to be) a very committed dad, but this is just an inherently tough situation, and I was low-key mad due to overwhelm often even when I knew he was absolutely doing his best. Honestly, I would hire more help. I didn't really have a good way to do that when my son was younger (it was peak Covid and we were in a bubble agreement with our full-time nanny so I didn't want to ask her to add another person or do more hours when she was already doing so much for us), but I think it would have helped just to give me some breathing room. And absolutely outsourcing more household maintenance work, even if it's not childcare.
I'm not sure how old your baby is, but one thing that helped me get through weekend solo-parenting time when my husband was working was trying to make it a little more of a group parenting situation. If I was going to be doing baby care at 11 am on a Sunday solo anyway, it was easier to do it while meeting up with another mom. I'm an introverted person in general so this kind of surprised me, but I found it emotionally hard to have SO much alone time while parenting, and a little less of that made it feel less overwhelming.
I'm not sure how old your baby is, but one thing that helped me get through weekend solo-parenting time when my husband was working was trying to make it a little more of a group parenting situation. If I was going to be doing baby care at 11 am on a Sunday solo anyway, it was easier to do it while meeting up with another mom. I'm an introverted person in general so this kind of surprised me, but I found it emotionally hard to have SO much alone time while parenting, and a little less of that made it feel less overwhelming.
1stjohn0666
New member
@stephendoxey love this suggestion! making solo parent care.. less solo. 
will do this next time he has weekend call.. thankfully only one weekend a month now.
will do this next time he has weekend call.. thankfully only one weekend a month now.@1stjohn0666 I’m in a similar place with my husband’s work hours. My 3 year old is in full day nursery and my 9 year old in school but I think I need more help in the evening. I’m mad my upset isn’t available more but it’s hard to parent by myself constantly. And you definitely need time for yourself. More childcare can help with that. But I get the guilt that comes with it. I feel like I should be able to do it on my own. It’s not that bad etc. lol but if it wasn’t so bad I would be so unhappy.
diadiemnhaban2023
New member
@1stjohn0666 My husband told me that he wanted me to get a hobby that was for pure enjoyment and I told him that if I was going to do that he needed to pick up some of the household maintenance slack that was going to result. I agreed that things like cleaning the bathrooms can wait an extra few days, but things like laundry with our underwear need to be accomplished on a regular schedule.
It's a work in progress but he makes a point of "doing" on the odd occasion that I do happen to go out. We are both practicing: me taking more me time and him picking up the slack.
It's a work in progress but he makes a point of "doing" on the odd occasion that I do happen to go out. We are both practicing: me taking more me time and him picking up the slack.
@1stjohn0666 How old is your child? A couple of thoughts. There are times when I feel like parenting is “work”. Dinner time, clean up time, getting ready time, bed time etc. then there are times when I feel like parenting is fulfilling. Play time, bath time, reading time, down time/tv time, etc. I would count most of that 5-8am stretch in the fulfilling category. Maybe 45 min of get ready time is “work” but the rest can be play. From 5-6 could also be fulfilling time, then dinner time/work from 6-7. I bring this up because it seems like mindset is key for you here. Is your child old enough for independent play? I guess what I’m (poorly) trying to get at is, why do you feel resentful? Do you feel like you could be doing something else or would rather be doing something else? If you don’t want to spend that time with your baby, then while that’s sad you don’t have to, Lots of parents outsource child care during non work hours so they can have ample time to do things they want. Twice per week I go to dance class and usually my husband stays with the baby but when he’s working I have a babysitter. I know someone else who hires a Saturday nanny from 9am-10pm! So they can do whatever they want on Saturdays and go on date night.
1stjohn0666
New member
@fejesusor totally hear what you’re saying! and sometimes it is fun and fulfilling.. but sometimes it’s hard like if LO is being fussy/going thru some stuff, waking in the night and not settling easily.. it’s tough to have to manage that alone. i say that out loud knowing rationally that that’s what parenting is, caring for another little human thru the easy AND tough times.. but i imagine it’s an easier transition to parenthood if you feel like you’re both in it together.
@1stjohn0666 I can definitely understand the struggle. I was a single mom when I had my older son at 17, so I did it all with the added struggle of poverty/living in a trailer park. It’s much much easier having an active partner who takes on 50% and money. And some days are easy and some days are hard. I always say that I enjoy motherhood so much more now because I know how fast it goes. When I was in the thick of it with my older one, I thought I would be trapped forever. But they grow up and you miss it. I’m able to appreciate every tantrum in a way I wouldn’t or couldn’t before.
My husband travels about 50% of the time now which has been an adjustment. By the time he gets home at 11pm Friday after being gone all week I’m completely burnt out and feel justified in letting him get up with the baby over the weekend.
I know it’s annoying when you’re pulling your hair out and just trying to survive and someone says “you’re going to miss this, enjoy these days”, but it’s true. I’m 35, so not some old boomer, I’ve just already raised a child and I miss it (hence why I now have a 2 year old!)
My husband travels about 50% of the time now which has been an adjustment. By the time he gets home at 11pm Friday after being gone all week I’m completely burnt out and feel justified in letting him get up with the baby over the weekend.
I know it’s annoying when you’re pulling your hair out and just trying to survive and someone says “you’re going to miss this, enjoy these days”, but it’s true. I’m 35, so not some old boomer, I’ve just already raised a child and I miss it (hence why I now have a 2 year old!)
1stjohn0666
New member
@fejesusor i think this will be my mantra when it does feel like work and i’m wishing i didn’t have to do it or i had a hand and start hating my husband for not being that hand.. that maybe in this moment it sucks but it will be over so soon and i will miss it. :’)
@1stjohn0666 The other thing that has really helped me is that I budget time for cleaning/chores. I budget 3 hours per week to clean the entire house, and once every 3 months it’s an 8 hour day to shampoo the carpets or scrub down baseboards/cabinets/doors etc. whatever doesn’t get done in 3 hours this week is top of the list for next week. If it’s an emergency clean up that’s different, but the regular kitchen/bathrooms/floors etc…3 hours is all I have to give. I’ll do a 3 minute counter wipe down here and there, my husband does laundry/dishes (I do the cooking). I make dishes that will last 2 days so I’m only cooking and he’s only doing dishes every other day or so. Believe me, in 10 years you’re not going care that the floors weren’t swept but you will care if you miss bedtime snuggles. That’s how I look at it at least.
Also, pay for efficiency. Dyson cordless vacuum, electric mop, etc are worth their weight in gold. I even had an outlet installed in a closet so they could be close and convenient for quick clean ups.
Also, pay for efficiency. Dyson cordless vacuum, electric mop, etc are worth their weight in gold. I even had an outlet installed in a closet so they could be close and convenient for quick clean ups.
spiritrehab
New member
@1stjohn0666 You either need an aupair or think really hard what is best for your family. I think you both working so much is not sustainable. Maybe the kid‘s cup is also empty. Having 8.5 hours of care only to then switch to another care by a babysitter/nanny is in my honest opinion too much for a kid and should be avoided unless it financially is not possible otherwise.
I am all for career, but (both of) your first and foremost duty is to ensure the wellbeing of your kid. That means time with parents who are not stressed/running on empty.
Also, this is just temporary. Can you cut back on working until your husband has finished his residency?
I am all for career, but (both of) your first and foremost duty is to ensure the wellbeing of your kid. That means time with parents who are not stressed/running on empty.
Also, this is just temporary. Can you cut back on working until your husband has finished his residency?
anthonysrbn
New member
@1stjohn0666 This is not a temporary situation. His hours as a surgical attending will be just as bad as residency - if not worse. You’ll need extra help or a divorce - the choice is yours.
lilshady25
New member
@1stjohn0666 I think he needs to take over at least 1 or 2 nights during the weekday. Just knowing that I'll get one solid night of sleep during the week means a lot. I also agree that you should hire more help for the evenings, maybe like a mother's helper.
@1stjohn0666 Stop cooking or hire help for meal prep or meal delivery service.
1stjohn0666
New member
living_abundantly
New member
@1stjohn0666 Your husband should get personal time but so should you. Maybe go and get a massage on Saturday morning or something to have “me” time.
saxonman111
New member
@1stjohn0666 Extra hired help.
Both of you are stretched thin and both of you deserve some personal time. You are irrationally angry because you are exhausted and i totally sympathise with you.
My suggestion would to pick between getting LO up in the morning or bedtime. Right now you are basically working 5am - 6.30/7pm (assuming thats when your partner gets home) which is 12 hours and not sustainable.
If you can afford to, can your nanny either handle the mornings (even if for only a few days a week) which gives you the opportunity to sleep longer or evenings so you have an hour at least to decompress after work? Think about it - you are checking out of one job and straight onto the other which is parenting. That will be really hard for anyone.
If nanny cannot extend hours, maybe consider a babysitter/au pair for 1-2 nights a week to help with bath and bedtime or could even be for a few hours at the weekend. Otherwise, do you have family around that can help?
My partner also works 12 hours and is the most easygoing person in this whole world haha but i can see how much of a strain it has on him and how exhausted he is during the week.
I say this all the time. We have to separate idealistic from realistic. The ideal is for both parents to pull equal weight and be the only carers for children but unfortunately this is not always feasible and trying to force this in most cases, leads to burnout and puts a strain on many marriages/partnerships. Outsource what you can and you will find even more joy in the free time you have dedicated to your kid
Both of you are stretched thin and both of you deserve some personal time. You are irrationally angry because you are exhausted and i totally sympathise with you.
My suggestion would to pick between getting LO up in the morning or bedtime. Right now you are basically working 5am - 6.30/7pm (assuming thats when your partner gets home) which is 12 hours and not sustainable.
If you can afford to, can your nanny either handle the mornings (even if for only a few days a week) which gives you the opportunity to sleep longer or evenings so you have an hour at least to decompress after work? Think about it - you are checking out of one job and straight onto the other which is parenting. That will be really hard for anyone.
If nanny cannot extend hours, maybe consider a babysitter/au pair for 1-2 nights a week to help with bath and bedtime or could even be for a few hours at the weekend. Otherwise, do you have family around that can help?
My partner also works 12 hours and is the most easygoing person in this whole world haha but i can see how much of a strain it has on him and how exhausted he is during the week.
I say this all the time. We have to separate idealistic from realistic. The ideal is for both parents to pull equal weight and be the only carers for children but unfortunately this is not always feasible and trying to force this in most cases, leads to burnout and puts a strain on many marriages/partnerships. Outsource what you can and you will find even more joy in the free time you have dedicated to your kid
@1stjohn0666 There is absolutely nothing wrong with hiring a “mother’s helper” so you can do some extra stuff after the nanny leaves. Our LO has daycare and we’re interviewing local teens to more or less just play with the baby for 4-6 hours a week so I can do household items and prep for dinner parties on the weekends.