How to handle 4 year old boy attitude?

[jed091488]

O.k We're (myself, my partner and my sons bio father) at our wits end with Master 4.5 years at the moment.
OMG it sometimes feels like we have a teenage girl.
We get tantrums over nothing, or little things like being told to go wash his hands because it's dinner time or because I've asked him to stop jumping off the couch onto the wooden floor in socks he'll slip over and hurt himself.
We are getting talked to rudely, not listened to, constantly pestered when we've asked to be left alone for a few min so we can get X task done so we can spend more time with him. Things like if I'm doing the dishes and he'll come and ask for something to eat and I tell him he can't have anything yet it's only a short while (within 30 min) of lunch time he can just wait and after I've finished I'll make lunch and then I get pestered every 5 min for food.
He'll do things he's been told time and time again to not do, eg running round the house in socks when we have wood floors and he has slipped over in the past and hurt himself and still doesn't learn. Or not playing in the bathroom as it's not a play area he's to do in do his business wash his hands and gtfo there is no need to play with the soap, and toothpaste and such.
Oh and the "I'm too tired" response to being asked to do anything even if it was something he wanted to do anyway.

We've tried sticker charts, they didn't work he just didn't care if he got a sticker or not, we've tried rewards (food and small toys) if we go a day without having to raise our voice. We've tried confiscating his favourite toys and he can't have them back for X period of time or until his attitude improves. We've tried time out/naughty corner/spot.

All to no avail.

Thing is my son is bright he knows he shouldn't be doing these things.
He doesn't go to preschool/kindergarten because we've had to pull him out as he was being bullied and they couldn't handle the diabetes side of his care (their incompetence his diabetes is actually well managed)
We go out about 2-3 x a week, of which 1-2x a week we are with other children - not his age group but other children. We spend a day out just him and me, the other days we're at home hanging out, and he spends 1 night and a weekend day with his bio dad.

My problem is that some of his behaviour is so much like his father that it drives me up the wall and it's the stuff that used to piss me off when I was with his father. Problem is that his father is a high functioning Autistic and we have had friends both from medical back ground and teaching back grounds say that my son displays some of these behaviours as well, they have also told us that he is very bright and seen this for ourselves e.g he can tell a medical professional what diabetes is and what his insulin pump does in a clear and understandable fashion.

Anyhow so r/SAHP, hint's, tips, suggetions? Does it get better/easier do I ride it out till he moves out of home? Sell him to Gypsies?
What does one do?

I guess we're looking at what's the best way to discipline/positive reinforcement that might actually work and make the behaviours change.

 

[heartist]

@jed091488 It seems like he's just pushing your buttons to see just how much you'll let him get away with. Every once in a while kids just feel like they have to test the boundaries. And frankly, the smarter the kid, the more creative and infuriating the tests. Do you feel like pulling out your hair, screaming and throwing your own tantrum? Pat yourself on the back, you have a smart kid.

The solution is two tiered, both positive and negative. The negative part is that you are going to shorten your fuse and be Hardass Mommy for a while. Want him to stop jumping on the couch? Ask once nicely, ask a second time sternly and if he doesn't listen after the second request take him straight to the corner. Don't yell, don't beg, don't visibly lose your cool. If you ask him to go play in his room so you can finish washing dishes, give him until the count of three. If you get to three and he hasn't even started walking toward his room, put him in the corner.

Feel free to punish nagging, whining and backtalk. Your son asks for a snack and you tell him "No, it is almost lunch time". If he asks a second time tell him "The answer is no and if you ask me again you'll be in trouble." If he asks again, put him in the corner.

If this seems like you are going to be spending your whole day putting your kid in the corner, well, you might at least for the first day. You will have a lot of drama and tantrums and you won't get much else done. If you stick to it consistently, everything will be better within a few days. He'll learn that there is no use fighting you or pushing your button and go back to being the well behaved child you know and love, at least until he figures out something new to drive you crazy with.

The positive side: This is going to be rough for everyone involved but especially your son. Make sure he is getting enough sleep and exercise and there aren't any other big changes going on to complicate things. You are going to have to spend extra "good" time with your son to counterbalance all the punishments you are handing out.

Compliment and reward every good behavior you see. Is he playing nicely by himself in his bedroom? Slip in there, tell him how awesome he is, what a good job he's doing, how proud you are, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him he's the best kid on the planet. Do this for every good behavior you catch. Tell him how much you love him a million more times a day than you usually do. Spend extra time playing with him. Give extra cuddle time before bed.

Make sure he has extra exercise. It is very hard for a little kid to be good when they are wound up. I have the same situation as you, an only child not in preschool that only gets to play with other kids a couple of times a week. I try to take him to the park near our house a lot to play with other kids but this time of year it is just too hot.

Some things that work for getting my son worn out:

• I bought a mini exercise trampoline ($40 at Walmart). He ignores it when it is in his bedroom but bounces on it off and on all day when it is in the living room. I also put on fast paced music and have him "dance" for me and bounce all over the trampoline to the music. It saves him destroying the couch or his bed by jumping on them.
• Balloon and a plastic fly swatter or two. I usually save this for rainy days. You throw the balloon in the air and try to keep it up just by hitting it with the fly swatter. It is an active, fun game that won't destroy furniture or electronics.
• Running laps. Sometimes I send him outside to run laps around the yard or even have him run laps through the house. I time him and say things like "Wow! That was fast! You just beat your all time record!" It is great for a last ditch attempt to wear him out before bed time.
• I let him ride his bike in the house. This may not be something everyone wants to put up with but the training wheels don't get good traction in the grass in our yard and I don't want him riding his bike in the road.
• Kiddie pool. I got one of the hard plastic ones last year. It was the best ten bucks I have ever spent. When he gets bored swimming in the pool he can use it to fill up his water guns or get water from it to "cook" with. He has old pots and pans and a "grill" I set up for him with a grate from an old grill and a big flower pot. He is a gourmet mud chef.

It will take a lot of work to get rid of the bad behavior but it will be worth it in the end. I wish you luck. If you opt and sell him to the gypsies instead, let me know what price you got and how I can get in touch with them.

 

[jed091488]

@heartist Thank you. This advice is very useful.

I know some of the aggravation is that we are coming out of winter and the weather is just coming stable enough to go out to the park again, and even just go for a walk without battling the elements.

Will keep you posted on the Gypsies.

 

[katrina2017]

@jed091488 Your son sounds like a bright and perfectly normal four-year-old.

Small children get hungry frequently. Rather than denying him food when he asks, why not put a tray of healthy snacks in an accessible location so he doesn't have to pester you when he's hungry?

I'd let him go ahead and wear socks on the hardwood floor. Sure, he might fall down and get a little bruise, but he's not going to crack his skull open on hardwood. If it's not worth the occasional bump and bruise (to him), then he'll stop doing it eventually.

Not sure what the big deal is about playing with the soap unless he's actually being destructive. I'd put the toothpaste up on a higher shelf/cabinet he can't get to and just take it down when it is brushing time.

As for the "too tired" excuse, I would encourage him to tell me the real reason he doesn't want to do something -- and be understanding about it. Chances are he is using that excuse because he thinks he'll get a bad reaction if he tells you the truth. If you're talking about chores here, then I would insist that he either do what he is responsible for doing or take a nap (since he's "tired"), but if we're talking about fun activities, eh... maybe he just changed his mind.

I don't think you'll have much luck trying to force a change in his behavior. Yours, on the other hand, could definitely change. Relax a bit and enjoy your child.

And yes, in time he will mature and act more like an adult, which seems to be what you want. Kids usually get "easier" around 5-6 years old in my experience.

I have to wonder if the reason you're finding this normal behavior so aggravating is because it reminds you of his father.

 

[jed091488]

@katrina2017

Small children get hungry frequently. Rather than denying him food when he asks, why not put a tray of healthy snacks in an accessible location so he doesn't have to pester you when he's hungry?

Unfortunately with his diabetes we can't do this as if he's going to snack/eat it means stopping testing his blood sugars and giving him insulin.
Just wish that when I've told him he can wait 10 min till I'm finished X thing as it'll be lunch time that he'll actually wait, it's not like he's starving to death.

I have to wonder if the reason you're finding this normal behavior so aggravating is because it reminds you of his father.

I guess that might be some of it.
I just need to learn how to let those things go.

Not sure what the big deal is about playing with the soap unless he's actually being destructive. I'd put the toothpaste up on a higher shelf/cabinet he can't get to and just take it down when it is brushing time.

Sorry I wasn't very clear it is destructive, and I'm a little sick of cleaning the bathroom up 4-5 times a day, but I can't very well go with him every time he goes to the toilet.

As for the too tired thing it is generally surrounding chores or things that needs to happen, and we give him the option of go to bed for a nap if he's really tired or getting on with it, we've explained to him that everyone has to do things they don't want to do from time to time, Like Mummy doing the house work etc.

 

[kane_watson55]

@jed091488 I think the only problem here is that you are bothered so much by this typical behavior. You can't force a kid to stop being a kid, he will eventually play ball with you on these issues (and then other more horrifying issues will come up.)

I hate to say it when you are looking for ways to change his behavior, but I think it is your attitude towards his behavior that is the real problem. None of this sounds like a big deal to me. If this stuff is the worst sort of thing my kid does when she is that age then I would feel like I won a secret prize.

Here's a sticker on your chart for caring.

 

[jed091488]

@kane_watson55 While it might be typical behaviour I don't feel that answering back and doing things he has been expressly told not to, like playing in the bathroom, is acceptable behaviour.

I appreciate some of it I have to let go of and I know that, I wrote the post after a very harrowing day sitting round the hospital with him. And that yes kids will be kids, BUT kids also have to learn to do as they are told form time to time and that some of those things are for there own safety and so they don't get hurt and that they at time actually have to listen to adults be it me, one of his dad's or a teachers/baby sitter etc.

 

[kane_watson55]

@jed091488 It isn't acceptable and that's fine. All you can do is your best to prevent these bahaviors.

Kids don't have to do anything they don't want to. They are people. But it is reasonable to expect them to want to go along with the things their parents are trying to teach them at some point. I think you should relax and wait for him to want to do the things you would like him to do.

When it comes to getting hurt though that's another thing. I let my girl get hurt though, as long as I know it will just be a booboo and not a permanent scar or injury.

I think you are on the right track, you sound like you know what you are doing. It seems to me like you are just panicking. I wish I had older kids so I could say, "it gets better." But I don't. I only remember what I was like at that age and I was probably worse than your boy and I'm still just as bad today at 32 and I'm alive and have never broken a bone. Unfortunately my poor parents have lost their minds. Try to keep yours, I'm guessing it will come in handy.

 

[jed091488]

@kane_watson55 Thanks.
My mind is hanging in there.
Just.

 

[katrina2017]

@kane_watson55 I think you pretty much nailed it.

 

[myalhussaini]

@jed091488 I don't have much to add here, but you might find this thread helpful.