I live close to an hour away from where my hospital is and I have a 4 year old at home. I try to go to the hospital everyday but am only able to be there around 2-3 hours at a time. I’m usually able to feed my baby and pump and then just hold and cuddle him for around an hour and half. This past week I could only mentally handle being up there 4 days. And I’m just curious if I need to figure out a way to be up there longer I.e find different child care ( my children’s grandparents watch my 4 year old for free for me as I’m on mat leave unpaid but can only watch him for so long and only after a certain time) I’ve read a few posts recently about parents being there for way longer and I now feel inadequate and not present enough and honestly a little insecure.
kiwiatheist
New member
@ninkies I lived 7 minutes away from the hospital where my daughter was when she was born. I went there twice a day for 1-2 hours at a time (on the longer end when we could hold her, as we couldn’t for the first 6 weeks). When I wasn’t at the hospital, I was working (saved my leave for when she came home), enjoying my hobbies and hanging out with my husband and friends. Though I was hanging with my husband at the hospital too. 
She was getting the care she needed and I needed to take care of myself. I already felt guilty and awful enough about how I wasn’t able to keep her in and keep her safe, I didn’t need to martyr myself by sitting vigil at her bedside and not allow myself any fun or self care.
Spend the time you can manage. Your baby won’t remember this time. You will. And what they need more than a parent present at bedside every second is a parent who is healthy and happy and whole and ready to be fully present when they come home. And in my experience, you can’t do that if you let yourself wallow and don’t give yourself moments of fun and levity.
She was getting the care she needed and I needed to take care of myself. I already felt guilty and awful enough about how I wasn’t able to keep her in and keep her safe, I didn’t need to martyr myself by sitting vigil at her bedside and not allow myself any fun or self care.
Spend the time you can manage. Your baby won’t remember this time. You will. And what they need more than a parent present at bedside every second is a parent who is healthy and happy and whole and ready to be fully present when they come home. And in my experience, you can’t do that if you let yourself wallow and don’t give yourself moments of fun and levity.
katrina2017
New member
biblestudy
New member
@ninkies I was there 12-16 hours a day, but I had no other obligations. I figured I'd rather hang out with my son than sit at home watching TV or something.
But, everyone has different circumstances and that's okay. Even if someone wants to sit at home and watch TV. Gotta take care of yourself, your family, and your obligations.
But, everyone has different circumstances and that's okay. Even if someone wants to sit at home and watch TV. Gotta take care of yourself, your family, and your obligations.
baconomnomnom
New member
@ninkies I want to steer clear of some prescription for how long to be there, you have lots going on, a whole other child. I think whatever feels feasible for you is what is best. Something that might help you feel like you’re making the most of the time is to check in on where cares and feeds are happening so you can be there to do those and try to visit when they’re happening. If you’re able to stay overnight at the hospital, I lived close and didn’t do more than 1 night before having a night at home. It feels like a night in the hospital is like 3 sleepless nights at home 
@ninkies My twins were born 03/07 at 30w5d - we needed a level 3 NICU initially that was 3 hours away from home. During that time, I spent 8-10 hours a day with them 5 days a week and then we'd go home 2 days a week to tend to our animals and acreage, our small business and my work which had to be abandoned abruptly. I honestly don't recommend this. I was having panic attacks and think I am still paying for it because I was unable to heal and my stitches actually tore from walking between their two beds so much from the day they were born. Full days in the NICU are long, and if other people can/want to do that, amazing.
Two weeks ago they were transferred to a hospital just over an hour away. Now we go for about 3 hours a day during the week and 5-6 hours on the weekend. I stay home Thursdays and my husband goes, and I go on Fridays and he stays home. We discussed adding in a day where we both stay home in preparation for them coming home and getting the house ready.
We don't have other children at home, and I can only imagine the added layer of difficulty that may add to things.
I will also say that people will always have opinions, our families always text us for updates at like 6am assuming we're already at the hospital even though I'm pumping around the clock and that would mean we got up at 4 to do that? Some of them thought I was awful for not spending another $1500 to rent a place in the city where the hospital is to be close to them after we spent a ton on airbnbs initially.. I have chronic conditions that rule out places like Ronald McDonald House. Some of them have said harsh or unhelpful things.. my point is you will never make anyone else happy and everyone else has their own set of circumstances, desires, help, ability, that you may or may not see so do whatever you can. One my my NICU nurses was really helpful and said "They're not experiencing this the way you or I would - they are being well cared for, so you just really need to rest so you can be there for them when they are ready to come home" It was helpful reframing every time I woke up in the middle of the night to pump and felt guilt or worry that they were alone, or if we missed a test (they often do these and then we find out after). They're well cared for and they know you love them.
ETA: I have said to my husband countless times that I'm struggling and may have to go less days either because of physical exhaustion or just being completely drained and feeling like I can't do the 'routine' anymore. It wears on you so much, and I don't think people understand unless they've been there. I haven't been able to yet because I also find it mentally so hard if I can't see them and end up bawling my eyes out on the day I stay home every week (I find time in the NICU is so slow, but then for example if I stay home one day I miss a first like when they put clothes on them, or when they did ink prints of their little feet), but if you need that space to feel well for your other child and your baby in the NICU, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Sending hugs.
Two weeks ago they were transferred to a hospital just over an hour away. Now we go for about 3 hours a day during the week and 5-6 hours on the weekend. I stay home Thursdays and my husband goes, and I go on Fridays and he stays home. We discussed adding in a day where we both stay home in preparation for them coming home and getting the house ready.
We don't have other children at home, and I can only imagine the added layer of difficulty that may add to things.
I will also say that people will always have opinions, our families always text us for updates at like 6am assuming we're already at the hospital even though I'm pumping around the clock and that would mean we got up at 4 to do that? Some of them thought I was awful for not spending another $1500 to rent a place in the city where the hospital is to be close to them after we spent a ton on airbnbs initially.. I have chronic conditions that rule out places like Ronald McDonald House. Some of them have said harsh or unhelpful things.. my point is you will never make anyone else happy and everyone else has their own set of circumstances, desires, help, ability, that you may or may not see so do whatever you can. One my my NICU nurses was really helpful and said "They're not experiencing this the way you or I would - they are being well cared for, so you just really need to rest so you can be there for them when they are ready to come home" It was helpful reframing every time I woke up in the middle of the night to pump and felt guilt or worry that they were alone, or if we missed a test (they often do these and then we find out after). They're well cared for and they know you love them.
ETA: I have said to my husband countless times that I'm struggling and may have to go less days either because of physical exhaustion or just being completely drained and feeling like I can't do the 'routine' anymore. It wears on you so much, and I don't think people understand unless they've been there. I haven't been able to yet because I also find it mentally so hard if I can't see them and end up bawling my eyes out on the day I stay home every week (I find time in the NICU is so slow, but then for example if I stay home one day I miss a first like when they put clothes on them, or when they did ink prints of their little feet), but if you need that space to feel well for your other child and your baby in the NICU, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! Sending hugs.
@ninkies Depends on the parent. My baby was born 3/19 and has been in NICU since. We are staying in an RV in the parking lot. My wife and I switch off care times throughout the day and sometimes we share them but for the most part she is the type of parent who wants to be there at all times (even while baby is sleeping) to ensure that if he wakes up uncomfortable she is there to soothe. I myself am of the mindset that care times are important and it makes sense to let him rest when sleeping and also I understand that the nursing staff is there for a reason a but of self care is beneficial. Either way you approach a baby in NICU it will be stressful. I’d say don’t beat yourself up about it in any way and just realize that the situation you’re in isn’t the norm and as an individual you have to make it work in a way that’s beneficial to both yourself and the little one!
@ninkies We are living here, BUT we are in a hospital where we have a suite attached to our son’s room. We have no pets or other children and are both off work. The hospital has laundry, kitchen, storage, lounge… it’s very family centred and they do everything they can to support as much kangaroo care as families can manage (since it’s the most effective intervention). Also my partner and I do great in close proximity… this micro-suite is nicer than our first apartment in an HCOL city, lol.
We go out once a day for about 3 hours to do chores and see friends and stay sane. Otherwise we take shifts doing kangaroo care between care times throughout the day (we aim for 8-12h) and he goes in his incubator for 6h overnight.
I did go sleep at home for one night but it made me really sad because my family wasn’t there. Our suite here is comfortable so I will stay here until he’s out (been here 3 weeks hospitalized myself, then 2 weeks with him, probably 5-8 weeks to go).
I recognize our situation is unique and 99% of people don’t have the privilege to be able to do this. Only because we have the institutional supports (paid caregiver leave, free hospital stay) can we do this.
We go out once a day for about 3 hours to do chores and see friends and stay sane. Otherwise we take shifts doing kangaroo care between care times throughout the day (we aim for 8-12h) and he goes in his incubator for 6h overnight.
I did go sleep at home for one night but it made me really sad because my family wasn’t there. Our suite here is comfortable so I will stay here until he’s out (been here 3 weeks hospitalized myself, then 2 weeks with him, probably 5-8 weeks to go).
I recognize our situation is unique and 99% of people don’t have the privilege to be able to do this. Only because we have the institutional supports (paid caregiver leave, free hospital stay) can we do this.
@kimhimmel Really curious if you can share where you (country? city?) are because this sounds amazing.
@leah71201 Dm if you like!
@ninkies Most parents here don't have older kids at home, so you absolutely can't compare your situation with theirs. Ultimately, you need to do whatever you need to for your own mental health, whether that is staying home more, or going to the NICU more.
Personally I decided that my 3yo needed me more than my baby did, since my baby wouldn't even remember the NICU and my 3yo was just barely keeping it together dealing with all the sudden change.
My husband had to go back to work pretty much as soon as I was discharged, so we visited the hospital together during his lunch break (it was a long time before I could drive, and my husband was allowed to have a long lunch break). We only stayed about an hour on weekdays and 2 hours on the weekends. I started going to the hospital again after my 3yo would go to bed when my baby started breastfeeding. We still weren't able to breastfeed, probably due to me not being there often enough, but I'm glad I gave it a shot anyway.
Personally I decided that my 3yo needed me more than my baby did, since my baby wouldn't even remember the NICU and my 3yo was just barely keeping it together dealing with all the sudden change.
My husband had to go back to work pretty much as soon as I was discharged, so we visited the hospital together during his lunch break (it was a long time before I could drive, and my husband was allowed to have a long lunch break). We only stayed about an hour on weekdays and 2 hours on the weekends. I started going to the hospital again after my 3yo would go to bed when my baby started breastfeeding. We still weren't able to breastfeed, probably due to me not being there often enough, but I'm glad I gave it a shot anyway.
sunshine87
New member
@ninkies He’s my first child so I have more time to be there; before I got a breast pump I was there like 24 hours a day for the most part since I had to pump there. Now that I have one I’m thinking of being at home every other night after for 10-12 hours. My husband usually visits us for 3-4 hours a day
@ninkies That’s about how much time I spend as well - we have a toddler at home, my husband is back to work, we don’t have a lot of help outside of daycare on weekdays, and I also feel useless here for longer than a few hours. I also don’t want to have to leave to eat/pee then have to spend 2 minutes scrubbing in again. There’s nowhere good around here to take a break, so I just go home.
When we get closer to discharge I plan to spend a few full days to get ready, but until then I’m protecting my peace.
When we get closer to discharge I plan to spend a few full days to get ready, but until then I’m protecting my peace.
@ninkies My son is 5 now. We had to go to a different state to give birth because he had a heart defect that required surgery and there are no pediatric heart surgeons in my state. We had to stay at the Ronald Mcdonald House and leave our other two children cared for by relatives in our home state for 2.5 months. We couldn't afford to travel back and forth, and with our youngest's situation we were fairly terrified to leave him a state away (but the longer we were there we had discussions of one of us leaving.)
We were pretty much at the hospital for first rounds 8.am to last rounds 8 p.m., but would take breaks in the middle to leave for lunch or walks. Some days we left for longer. It is incredibly difficult to balance the need for your own mental well being and the need to be there for your child. But your child is being cared for, and there's only so much you can do. There is no right or wrong answer for how long to be there.
We were pretty much at the hospital for first rounds 8.am to last rounds 8 p.m., but would take breaks in the middle to leave for lunch or walks. Some days we left for longer. It is incredibly difficult to balance the need for your own mental well being and the need to be there for your child. But your child is being cared for, and there's only so much you can do. There is no right or wrong answer for how long to be there.