How much time do new moms spend with babies?

@lordfeather It's definitely not the norm. It's totally fine for her to get rest. But... that's not just rest. Is she bonding with her baby? I'd be concerned enough to discuss it with her to at least spend time with you and the baby. You biologically can not carry a baby, and it's unfair of her to say that to you. I would ask how she thinks that comment is okay. It almost sounds like she's resentful for having a baby.

Question... who is waking up with the baby? Feeding? Changing? If it's only you... that's a problem. You both need to find a solution going forward.
 
@lordfeather Hey fellow dad. This is not the norm; your instinct to ask about seeing a doctor is spot on - this may be her form of pp. It's going to be uncomfortable, but you need to insist she sees her doctor. Or, bring it up at the baby's next check up in a few weeks.

You're clearly a good dad. You got this.
 
@lordfeather My daughter is 6 weeks old. I've spent the majority of my time with her, especially since she is breastfed. My husband helps out with her at night and the day when he is home from work.

What you have said is definitely not the norm. All the moms I know all spend their time with their babies when they are little and then adjust to getting out of the house when the child is older.
Your description of your wife sounds a lot like my husband's behavior with our first. He had a hard time growing up when our first was born and a few years after.
Your wife could have ppd, although it doesn't sound like it to me. It sounds like she just got used to being taken care of. My husband was the same way. I don't want to use the word selfish, but that's how it felt for me when my husband and I were adjusting to having our first.
You need to talk to your wife, and if possible, get a family member or friend she is close with to talk to her about it, too. One day, she may realize she missed out on all of this time and regret it.
 
@lordfeather It sounds like she has not bonded with your baby. This is important, not just to her mental health but to the child's. A key concept in infant psychology is the need to "feel secure in their primary attachment". It sounds like you are the baby's primary attachment at this point and that your wife has checked out.

Be aware that this really matters to the child's forming sense of self. For now, she has you, but it Mom doesn't bond, you will need to provide that for your daughter. This may mean extending your parental leave. Your wife might leave. It happens. If so, just ensure baby gets plenty of reassurance and time with you: it's usually the mother who is the primary attachment but it doesn't have to be, and as long as your daughter sees, smells, hears, and touches you with love and positivity, a lot, you can step up.

Talk to your doctor. Failure to bond doesn't always mean post-natal depression, in some women the maternal instinct just never switches on. Is your family able to survive her being the primary breadwinner and you being a stay-at-home dad for another year or so?
 
@davida1949 This!!!! Thank you for this! Everyone always jumps on the PPD Bandwagon buti think this is bonding pure and simple. The less time she spends with baby the worse it will get. Like a snowball going downhill. Worst case scenario, it never happens.
 
@lordfeather No, this is definitely not the norm... Moms typically spend the majority of their waking hours with their new babies out of necessity, until/unless they go back to work. It sounds like something is definitely up. She may be struggling with postpartum depression.
 
@lordfeather Not sure if people are correctly diagnosing her as having PPD, it could also be simply she’s being an unfit mother, which is not due to PPD. You cannot force her to go to a doctor or love your baby. You have to prepare yourself to go at this alone if you wanted to have a child. Otherwise, start consulting lawyers for a divorce and/or adoption services.
 
@lordfeather If it really is just 1 hour a day, and we aren't missing the part where she's doing the whole night shift or something, then no, definitely not normal.

You are right about the doctor. That's where she needs to go. Sounds like she isn't well.
 
@lordfeather She’s in a bad place or she’s running for lifetime election as worst mother ever. There are terrible mothers out there.

I was with my babies ~18 hours a day and often with them 24 hours straight. Do her friends not find it odd she’s flitting about?!
 
@lordfeather First off, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It gets incredibly overwhelming, lonely, and frustrating. I know this situation all too well, unfortunately. The father of my two young children, wouldn’t even spend a hour a day. He is indeed a covert narcissist, and it took me eight years to say this with absolute certainty. I’m currently trying to figure out the best way to leave this miserable and toxic environment.
How long have you been together prior baby, and what was she like before baby?
Google the term covert/vulnerable narcissist, or just straight narcissist, and see if this fits in any way.
If she was a truly loving, empathetic, compassionate person before baby, then maybe speak with her family/friends, and try to encourage her getting help.
Best of luck, my friend
 
@lordfeather I spent all of my time with my baby after she was born. I would sleep when she did. I even have pictures of making a pie with the baby on my chest in a carrier and another photo of the baby in the carrier on my chest while I’m at the kitchen table on my laptop and another one with baby on my chest while I am at ab important meeting. I would rock my baby, watch her have her tummy time and literally bring her everywhere with me. If I went to the park she came, if I went for groceries she came, if I went to a coffee with friends she came etc. Babies are so simple and easy to bring everywhere when they are that young. I did breastfeed though so I needed her near me at all times.
 
@lordfeather My son is 7 months old and I’ve spent maybe a total of 10 hours away from him. I think I’m on the extreme side of attached to my child. But less than one hour a day with your baby is abnormal for sure. She needs a doctor.
 
@lordfeather This is not typical for new moms, and it sounds like you are taking on the majority of caretaking for your new baby. Do you wake up with the little one at night? Are you feeding them? I agree with others that your wife could be struggling with postpartum depression, but is not able to process her emotions enough to recognize it. Your instincts are spot-on. Stay strong and love on that baby all you can. You sound like an amazing dad.
 
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