How far do we go to help a teen who doesn’t want to help herself?

bobear24

New member
Our 15-year-old has been stuck in a sad, angry place for about a year. She has refused to go school for the past 4 months, and is halfheartedly following along with her studies at home. She is now failing almost all her classes. Despite several therapists, doctors, a brief hospitalization, individual and family counseling, and earnest, creative attempts at accommodation by school officials, she is still refusing to go school, still refusing to consider medication, still refusing to do anything to help herself. We are now discussing the possibility of inpatient psychiatric care with her doctors, and of course she’s already declaring that she won’t do that, either. We are willing to let her fail and repeat her sophomore year, but she says she will only do this at a different school in another district, which would necessitate us packing up and moving (she refuses to consider our area’s private schools). We are not necessarily adverse to moving, but don’t want to go through the disruption and expense if our kid is just going to pull the same shit all over again. At the same time, I want to be able to look back in 10 years and say, yes, we did absolutely everything we could to help our daughter. I’d love to hear from parents who have gone through this and emerged on the other side. It’s so hard to know what to do.

UPDATE: You guys all have such great suggestions and possible solutions we hadn’t thought of before. This is one of the reasons we love Reddit. Thank you!!
 
@bobear24 I was an angry and sad kid when I was that age. I didn't refuse to go to school entirely, but I skipped classes, I'd run away from home, I was all over the place emotionally. There were some things that happened that had traumatized me, and my parents didn't see it. Trauma wasn't really a thing back then, so no one really understood what was happening. I made a lot of demands that I was shocked to get no push back on, and weren't really in my best interest. Where I assumed someone would stop me (running away, for instance), adults thought they really couldn't stop me if they wanted to, so they didn't try and I wound up following through because I didn't feel like I had other choices. When they did try they often tried to force me to do what they wanted with no buy in or consent from me, which made me feel controlled so I resisted. I felt so out of control myself, and I wanted to feel in control, so that translated into wanting control in my life too - and resisting any pressure anyone put on me to do basically anything. I acted out a lot trying to get someone to help, although I often refused to participate when help was offered. Unfortunately I was living in an age of 'tough love' where the tough part was most important, and so it just escalated and escalated until I wound up homeless & pregnant by a much older man at 15.

What might've helped me at the time was constant, gentle reminders that people cared about me, because I truly did not believe that they did - and I don't mean verbally, I mean, respecting (reasonable) boundaries, respecting autonomy, being clear about consequences, using harm reduction techniques. Hearing that people were worried about me and understanding the likely outcomes of my choices might have helped me think thinks through instead of just reacting in the moment and being completely surprised by the response. Knowing that people wanted me to be safe rather than thinking everyone was angry with me for not complying would've been helpful. I really didn't understand how much I was actually in control of the situation, and how little adults could do without some cooperation from me; adults were still talking to me like they knew everything and had all the answers and it was just confusing why I had this obvious, massive problem that no one seemed to be even trying to address never mind solve. I felt like a burden and an inconvenience. I felt unloved and out of control. I was so angry, everything was so unfair. I couldn't live like this, I didn't feel like I had any place where I could be myself, everywhere I went there was all this pressure and I just couldn't meet everyone's expectations, and I also couldn't live with constant disapproval from all sides. I blamed my parents for a lot of stuff - some fair, some not so fair, but they were the people who were supposed to be in charge afaik so things not working for me must be their fault in my teenage mind. Who else was I to get mad at? I felt so misunderstood. I would get completely overwhelmed by my emotions and rage at my parents. I didn't have the words or insight to tell anyone what was wrong, and honestly, I'm not sure anyone would've listened at the time anyway, everyone was pretty interested in me listening to them but no one was really listening to me.

Even if being more loving, compassionate and gentle didn't net obvious improvements, it might have kept me at home or in touch with family later when I was getting to a place where I could pull myself together. I didn't know I had a caring home that would respect me to go to. I returned eventually, but it was an act of desperation, and even then it felt so stifling and humiliating and like I had to be someone I could not be, I tried to get away as much as I possibly could to survive it. I wish they'd pushed harder for theraputic care - i'm sure I would've resisted, but I needed some help. I wish people had treated me like a person, rather than acting like they were in control but then controlling nothing. The approach I've taken with my kids when I see them heading for trouble is to say something like, " hey, I see you're headed for that wall over there, I'm worried for you, that's going to hurt. Are you ok? whats going on? I'd like to help, if you'll let me. I love you ". I wish someone had taken that approach with me, to help me figure out how to regulate myself, to help me at least make less painful choices, to know that I had better choices. I wish someone was clear about boundaries, and what was my own domain of control and where I would have to deal with other people's limitations and autonomy. I wish people had been less concerned about whether I was going to school and doing my chores, and more concerned about my well being; it made me feel like obedience was the important part, and made me dig in and shut down more. I wish my parents had chosen to prioritize preserving, repairing and protecting their relationship with me instead of just trying to make me behave.

Anyway, idk if this is any of what your kid is feeling or not. I hope it might at least give you a different perspective to consider. It sounds like you've had a lot more options available to you and you've done a great job taking advantage of what you can. As a mom, dealing with younger me sounds like a nightmare, so delicate, so much hanging in the balance, so few clear answers, never enough support. When I was dysregulated, I was like a drowning victim or a wild animal in a trap, desperately needing help but lashing out with fear, anger and panic at anyone who would come near. Trying to manage other kids and work and other responsibilities on top ... yikes. I did everything I could think of to avoid creating the dynamic I had with my parents, but sometimes life is what it is, even with your best efforts. Heartbreaking all around. I hope you can find her, she sounds like a kid who needs a soft place to land. And, I hope if she's not able to be found yet, that you're able to keep her from harm until she's able to reach for the help available to her.

(edited for clarity & grammar)
 
@bobear24 If it's any comfort, I did make it through - I got a degree, had a career, 2 lovely kids that made it to adulthood without major incidents, have had a long and happy marriage, anyone who finds out my past is shocked because I am so far away from it. I've had some mental health struggles but I'm OK or better most days. I have a reasonable relationship with my parents. I'm sure it feels overwhelming and hopeless at times, like her life is going to be ruined or shes going to miss out, but an awful lot of stuff can be fixed or recovered when she's in a better place. You're a great parent, doing your best in a situation that doesn't always have good options, i hope you're able to be gentle with yourself as well. Just keep trying to help her do what's best for her, right now, where she is, rather than what the world has prescribed for her to do or where you were hoping she'd be. Put as many good or better options in her path as you can, and make them as easy as possible to access. You guys will get through this.
 
@bobear24 I think you do not the have the full information to make any decisions. Ask questions, create safe space for communication - this will take some time. Consider doing learning disabilities and psychological assessments. Neurodiversity and unsupported learning difficulties are frequently the cause of school refusal.

Also, open up your options to more than just moving to a different school district. There are charter schools for kids with different needs. We have a farm and horse-based school like that in the area. The school is free.

There are dual enrollment options in most states where your kid can enroll in local college and take online or in personal college classes. You can homeschool and do the college thing too.

The biggest help you can give your child is to reframe your understanding of what school is and how it should look like. School is just a tool to get to the career of one’s choosing. It’s also a babysitting service for most. It also a place where lots of kids congregate to finding friends is easier. But it’s not the only place to satisfy all these needs. Consider that there are so many other alternatives.
 
@bobear24 I think I would ask lots of questions. Give lots of love. Give her space. I would be very cautious about inpatient therapy, it’s an unregulated and can be predatory industry that can cause massive trauma. If you are going for something specific like eating disorders I think they can be pretty good but otherwise be very careful.

Maybe find a different therapist who she relates to better. Medication can be life changing if she comes around to it.

We all have this perception that school has to look a certain way and take place on a specific timeline. I would let that go and be with your daughter in the present and meet her where she is. Maybe help her find one thing that brings her joy and start there.

I have a friend whose son refused to go to school after some extreme bullying and an illness. He also got to the point where he wouldn’t leave the house and couldn’t be left alone. She made him find something he liked (glass blowing) after several years he went back to a very small special school setting and started his freshman year when his peers graduated. Last summer he was independent enough to spend the summer abroad.
 
@djunehor She doesn’t have a particular school in mind. She just doesn’t want to return to her current school a year behind her peers. I’d feel the same.
 
@bobear24 Have you looked into online school? Honestly, I’d do what I could so my kid did not fail out of high school. But I’d need a little more answers before I changed everyone’s life. Are there other kids?
 
@tmark938 Her school needs a referral from her pediatrician in order to qualify her for virtual learning. Her pediatrician refuses to approve the request, because “it doesn’t solve the underlying issue.” Meanwhile, the shrinks can’t seem to figure out what the underlying issue is, and everyone keeps telling us to make her go to school. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 
@bobear24 I’m not talking virtual. I’m taking about online high school. It’s different. My daughter did not want to go to her high school so I found an online high school (free). Not sure where you are so it may not be available in your state.
 
@bobear24 The one constant through out your post is you keep trying to get het to go to school or stay in her school program.

Perhaps it's time to realize school is the problem and not the solution.

My eldest kid went down this path. So we pulled him from school for a few years. He is now back in a different school and getting straight As.

My other kid is home schooled and thrives. He has taught himself how to hack computers, photo editing, video editing. Special effects. He's an expert at military history. So he will never pass an SAT test, but he has so many real-world skills he will never be without a job.

But IMHO if you continue to make going to traditional school her goal, then she has no reason to help herself, because all your tactics have the same goal.

So change the goal.
 
@bobear24 I think it’s time to get all the experts and doctors and everything out the situation and start thinking outside the box. Maybe not moving but definitely a different school. Are there charter schools there? Different models of education than the standard one? I’ve struggled with my kid and school and what I’m learning really is that this generation is not just going along for the ride. They are here to change a broken system and they are gonna shake it up. Listen to her and maybe get her non conventional remedies. She is a unique one and needs you guys to listen to that.
 
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