How do you control your rage when your child physically hurts you?

[laurie4321]

My 3 year old son will hit, kick, slap, and bite if he’s upset. I’m sure it’s developmentally normal and within reason but when he bites, it sends me into a rage. Like I just want to slap him across the face and to be honest I’ve had to stop myself. His bites leave welts and bruises on me. He bit my face so hard this morning while I was helping him onto the toilet and it’s still throbbing one hour later. I’m afraid I’m going to lose it! Deep breathing doesn’t work for me bc my rage is immediate and I suppose a knee jerk reaction. Please help.

ETA: it looks like this behavior is NOT normal for a 3 year old and will be taking him to the pediatrician on Wednesday.

 

[cutin]

@laurie4321 It's not developmentally typical for a 3yo to be frequently violent to such an extent. If people have told you that it is they might be trying to make you feel better or being nice. I do not find it a helpful approach, it's pretty gaslighty when you're dealing with an extreme parenting situation for everyone to be like "Don't worry, it's normal, he'll grow out of it!"

This is extreme. You're dealing with a hard thing. It's OK to find it hard. Please ask for help.

ADHD, reactive mum of ADHD kid and second probably ND but no diagnosis yet kid here.
Yes, seek professional advice, but also, some actual tips you can use now.

REDIRECTION. Always always always redirect any violent urges onto non humans. It doesn't matter what it is, just cast around randomly for the closest safe item. "No biting me. You can bite this t-shirt/book/toy". Hilarious but proud moment when my eldest, then four, screamed at me "I AM SO ANGRY I WILL BITE THE STAIRS!!!" When they start doing the redirection themselves it's a turning point.

UNDERSTAND THE HUMAN NERVOUS SYSTEM. This is too long to explain here but essentially we all have a system wired for protection that gets fired up when we detect threat, and it's basically old old software that runs purely on instinct. When children have got into this state they have an activated nervous system and they are reacting to YOU as though you are the threat, which is why they are violent. Because they are in fight or flight, they cannot easily access the brain centres for language processing, logic, reasoning, empathy etc.

Good google search terms: Dysregulation, fight or flight, sensory processing, sympathetic nervous system.

Good resources: Mona Delahooke, @TheOTButterfly, Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg, Zones of Regulation, Conscious Discipline. Each one has various formats - podcast interviews, videos/webinars, books, social media pages.

CUE SAFETY. When a child gets riled up like this it activates our SNS too - so we start reacting as though they are a threat, this is where the urge to hit comes from. Take a minute to notice your body language next time this happens. I expect that you get loud and you get big and you start to move faster, and your voice gets higher pitched. These all happen because it feels like an emergency and/or because parenting experts tell us that we need to be in control of our kid, and being a bigger, scarier threat feels like a way to do that. But if he is totally gone into FOF then he's not even in control of himself. So in order to communicate to his body and his nervous system that you are not a threat, do the opposite. Crouch down, move slowly. Imagine that he is a wild animal that you don't want to spook, if you like. Get low, get close. Make your voice soft and low. If he likes physical touch and/or eye contact, then do those things. If those would freak him out more, don't do them. When you're in front of him, take some really slow obvious deep breaths. Don't tell him to breathe, just let his mirror neurons kick in and copy you.

You might want to look at the Calm The Chaos "Family Road Map" - I really like this because it starts with figuring out where you are right now.

It's no use being told "Behaviour is communication!" endlessly when you already know that but don't know what to do with it. Or having so many different techniques thrown at you when you're actually just struggling to keep everyone safe, and nowhere near being able to use advanced techniques. Or you've done the basics and now you're ready to move on but can't find further info. Anyway I think the idea of a road map is totally genius. The first chapter of the book, which you can download here, explains this well: https://calmthechaosbook.com/?fbclid=IwAR17e_shOzWgDnYkTnPhlgWcfrh1tC88tmB9CtQvhgX1sHEuLgWn8dBowD8

 

[meki]

@cutin Excellent and well thought out reply

 

[laurie4321]

@meki I couldn’t agree more

 

[meki]

@laurie4321 Hey I’m glad you’re reading comments. My husband actually experienced some post Partum rage after we had our son.

Like our baby would cry and he would just plop him down and say “you figure it out!!”

Um no he’s like a day old he can’t figure it out.

Your situation is leaps and bounds different than ours but it sounds like you’re dealing with some post natal rage. I know you said you’re getting in to see the pediatrician. What are you doing for yourself? Are you seeing a therapist?
It’s worked wonders in our house

 

[laurie4321]

@meki Hugs to you and your husband. I could very well be dealing with postpartum rage too as I have a daughter who is 5 months. I’m seeing a therapist again yes

 

[meki]

@laurie4321 Happy to hear it! Oh I totally missed the 5 month old! Omg girl you are a rockstar. I complete understand why you would get triggered.

Sometimes medication helps a lot! Definitely sending you some positive vibes.

Something silly that I do and my husband does when he or I or even our little one is getting super aggro is I start singing instantly “we count down, to calm down, 5-4-3-2-1, we—-count—-down——to—callmmmm down 5—-4—-3—2——1” over and over and over but slower each time. Holding my lo really tight so he can’t scratch my face. It’s seemingly very effective for everyone.

 

[cutin]

@laurie4321 Hey OP I caught up on your comment replies. This is so much. Challenging behaviour and a new baby sibling and the toilet issues and maybe feeling unsupported by your spouse too?

It's a LOT. Please don't be hard on yourself. Everyone would struggle with this combination of stressors.

If you are looking at potential neurodiversity for him then you might want to look into ADHD for yourself. It is underdiagnosed in women as it doesn't tend to present itself in the typical "hyperactive child running in circles" way (that's not especially typical, actually, but seems to have lodged itself in people's heads). One of the most universal symptoms is emotional dysregulation. Just saying because for me when I had a 3yo with violent rages, who behaved well for others but not for me, who also struggled with toilet training and pooping, and I couldn't calm myself down and he used to follow me into another room when I tried to walk away to get some space, in hindsight we were BOTH struggling with undiagnosed, untreated, unmanaged ADHD. Mine is diagnosed and treated now and so much better (my eldest is now 15, I also have a 5 and 2 year old). My son is also happy and healthy. But I so wish that at 3 somebody had said to me "No, this is not normal" rather than me just thinking that:

I was a bad mom

I was failing at AP or being "gentle"

Any "normal" advice wouldn't be useful for me because it might not be "AP enough"

My outbursts when I was getting triggered myself were some shameful secret that I had to hide AND the entire cause of the problem, and I just had to "try harder"

NONE of these things were true and I wish I had known that there was support and sought it out earlier rather than waiting for things to get better. They did, but it damaged our relationship. It's getting better again now but there are so many lost years that I regret in the middle.

 

[gently]

@cutin Remind me! 1 day

 

[tasha93]

@laurie4321 Please have him seen by his pediatrician. In terms of your own anger, he is too young to know to control his impulses. So he’s not trying to hurt you on purpose. He just has other issues he does not know how to deal with in another way. Hitting him will just teach him to continue using hitting and biting to solve his issues. It will not help him, only perpetuate his behavior. So you need to get help to see why he is behaving this way and what kind of help he needs

 

[laurie4321]

@tasha93 I know it’s linked to him being uncomfortable due to constipation and stool withholding. He very frustrated and I rightfully so but he lashes out. That’s what happened this morning was I asked him to try to poop and was helping him onto the toilet when he just lashed out and hit my face. This pattern started once we began potty training at the beginning of September but it’s never gotten this bad.

 

[tasha93]

@laurie4321 I see. I still think he needs some sort of evaluation or help to give him other ways to cope with anger. Is anybody else violent or emotionally abusive at home? You don’t have to answer. Just things to think about. Some books that may be helpful are: hands are not for hitting, teeth are not for biting. Also, a great parenting book is: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series). The book basically states you need to identify the child’s feelings and tell them what it is. Because they do not understand what they are feeling. So you acknowledge their feelings “I know you are mad. I know you want the toy. It’s ok to be mad. But it’s not ok to hit” and then redirect their anger to something else: scribbling ferociously, deep breathing, etc. It is normal for them to go through a biting and hitting phase. But it sounds like this is worse than normal.

 

[laurie4321]

@tasha93 Nobody is abusive. But maybe I am honestly. I will yell in his face when he causes me intense pain. That’s why I asked on this group bc I’m so full of rage. It’s so painful and I can’t control it. And then I apologize and feel such deep shame for it that I’ll get depressed and then the cycle repeats each time this happens. I’ve listened to that book on audible. It’s a very helpful book.

 

[tasha93]

@laurie4321 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Kids are little monsters. I know it is very difficult to stay calm. What about silently screaming/breathing out really hard instead of yelling? Could he be doing the behavior to get your attention? Also, make sure you are taking care of yourself, too. I was very angry after I had my child and ended up starting Zoloft which has helped me tremendously.

 

[justbriaan]

@laurie4321 I highly recommend checking out unconstipatedkids on instagram! She’s a pediatric physical therapist that specializes in toileting issues.

 

[seeker1231]

@laurie4321 I dont think thats normal for him to do.

What do you do when he does it?

Have you spoken about this to a doctor? Even if they cant help, they may be able to direct you to someone who can.

 

[laurie4321]

@seeker1231 I yell. Loud.

 

[pretzels]

@laurie4321 It’s so hard. I get rage too. Please, seek support. It sounds like you need time to recharge. Going for walks, seeing a therapist, making sure your eating three meals and snacks (balance blood sugar), and start taking magnesium topically like lotions. That helped me so much.

Unfortunately, if you get loud it’s going to further send him into fight or flight and thus you more into fight or flight and the cycle will continue. You can find ways to break the cycle but it starts with you and not your child. You can do it!!

 

[parsonbrown]

@laurie4321 This level of routine aggression does not sound typical for a 3 year old. I would have him evaluated and also do whatever you need to do to stop the cycle of biting and yelling - that reaction may be what he is seeking. If you know he is escalating to aggression, do not put yourself close enough to him that he can bite or attack you. State you will move your body away from him until he can be safe with his body. Do not let him chase you. If you need to put him in a safe place and close the door until he is able to calm down, do that.

 

[laurie4321]

@parsonbrown Yeah I just have to close the door on him or I’ll snap. There will be a week with no issues and then the next week it’s all the time. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him bc sometimes I really can’t gauge how he’s doing to react. Some days there’s no issues with going to the bathroom and other days its the end of the world. I thought this was normal until i read all the comments.