First time being mom shamed was because of co-sleeping

[hopehouse]

I FTM (24f) was mom shamed for the first time by a soon to be mother 2 weeks ago and I cannot stop thinking about it. My older sisters best friend who is like a sister to me is expecting her first child. My baby boy is currently 4 months old and we were chatting and she was asking my advice/ opinion on things. I mentioned that we co-sleep and I barely got to finish my sentence before she cut me off and said “oh my god, you are so lucky you didn’t k*ll him. My cousin works at the children’s hospital and….etc” I cannot get past the wording she used. I can’t get over the way she judged me so quickly and felt like this was an okay thing to say.

Anyone else I mentioned the co-sleeping too has either asked questions because they wanted to understand, said they do the same thing and it’s amazing or have expressed how that’s not how they did it. All of those responses are fine and I know I open myself up for judgement anytime I mention a parenting decision but I just was so taken aback by how quickly she judged me and the words she used. I was expecting questions and a discussion because that’s what the conversation was. I’m curious to see how night time goes for her and if she ends up bedsharing.

 

[michellemariebru]

@hopehouse She's not even a parent yet don't let it bother you. I was very against co-sleeping when I was pregnant as well. After no sleep at all for two months I have it a shot after lots of research and debating myself and I am so thankful I did. Maybe she will change her mind. Either way. It's not really any of her business. Don't let it get to you you're a great mom.

 

[danifeli]

@michellemariebru Exactly my thoughts! You do everything right as a parent when there is no child/you're pregnant. Once you are in the thick of everything? You learn to do what works for your family.

 

[eddiebeltran]

@michellemariebru Agreed! Before I became a mom I judged co sleepers so harshly. Now I do sleep and I have since 6 months because he won’t sleep in his crib unless I let him cry it out which I won’t do even though that was my original plan.

 

[lavishlydaisy]

@michellemariebru Same for me until my lactaction consultant made me feel better about it, but mainly when I realized it was SO much more unsafe falling asleep with him in the chair (which I kept doing despite my best efforts) than safer bedsharing

 

[lovethechrist]

@hopehouse I mentioned something about co-sleeping to my very opinionated step mom, not thinking, and she goes “Oh so you want to fucking roll over and suffocate him?!”

Uh no. I don’t roll off my bed, I don’t roll over my husband, I didn’t roll over my kitten who slept on my neck/armpit when he was tiny and I wake up 5 minutes before my baby wakes up just knowing he’s about to be hungry. Oh and I’m getting actual sleep so I don’t have to pass out from exhaustion. I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine but thanks for putting that image in my anxious brain!

 

[seventhtrumpetnow]

@hopehouse It hurts, I know. I am sorry that you have to have that conversation ruminating in your head now. But just now that she was just waving her fear flag showing you what she is afraid of. It doesn’t mean it’s true or will happen to you. It’s just her projection of her anxiety.

Maybe when her baby is born, she will understand more. I mean, we all had it figured out before we were moms, right?! The worrisome thing to me when people react that way, is that they probably aren’t receptive to learning about how safe it can be. And it doesn’t help that the AAP just went against how nearly every other culture in the world sleeps. The recent Canadian infant sleep guidance, however, is amazing and incredibly helpful. Maybe when your friend hasn’t slept for a week, she will come to you for advice. But until then, trust your instinct and mentally cut the cord of that conversation. You’re doing a great job!

 

[cherish616]

@seventhtrumpetnow Can you share the Canadian infant sleep advice? I’d love to see it!

 

[seventhtrumpetnow]

@cherish616 Hi! I think this is the one I saw before, on page 18 and 19z

It acknowledges that the majority of women bedshare at some point and takes a harm reduction approach.

 

[cherish616]

@seventhtrumpetnow That is definitely a step in the right direction. How fantastic that they share information on safe babywearing as well! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like that from the AAP.

 

[rollo22]

@hopehouse I would have laughed and said “oh my sweet summer child. When this baby is born it will do things it’s own way, and you will accommodate it in ways you would NEVER imagine today.” Then just call her a noob and laugh it off.

 

[joshuasloth]

@hopehouse You're doing what's right for you and your baby, and never let anyone make you feel bad for that. I get a lot of shit for cosleeping to, but if I didn't? Nobody would sleep in this house and we'd all be cranky.

It's always a great comfort for me to think about how normal cosleeping is in many other countries around the world. Especially in a place like Japan, where it's incredibly common, but yet their SIDS rates are significantly lower than those of the United States.

I had so much anxiety about it in the beginning, and when I was pregnant? I would've said this child was absolutely not sleeping in the bed with me. But you know, I was the perfect mother until I actually became one. So many people tend to judge a situation they're not in, but as long as you and baby are healthy, happy and safe? You're doing what you have to, and you can just let that negative opinion go in one ear and out the other.

People will take every opportunity to rip a mother to shreds over her children. Stay strong and try hard not to give them that satisfaction.

 

[annalee]

@hopehouse This is her projecting her own issue and fears onto you. It actually has nothing to do with you. She’s either going to have her baby and end up bed sharing and realizing it’s the best way to get a good nights rest, or she’ll be exhausted trying to put her baby back to sleep in a bassinet 100x a night. Either way, you and baby will be sleeping soundly and safely, and she will have to figure out her own journey through her anxieties around motherhood. Sorry to be so blunt but for someone who hasn’t been there to judge.. it’s a bit excessive on her part

 

[joep]

@hopehouse Ha yeah, before my baby was born I was sceptical about cosleeping from a safety point of view. And then I had him and realised how much more unsafe it would be if we never got any sleep.

Hopefully she is self aware enough to apologise when she is a few weeks PP and remembers what she said to you.

 

[amilynne1977]

@hopehouse I’m sorry you were mom shamed. Before having kids, I would keep any thoughts about other people to myself because I’m not that type of person. But after having a child, I understand now more than ever and I realize that every child and every situation is different. What works for one, might not work for another. Your opinions are not my opinions. And I would never dream of trying to give unsolicited advice for something that literally has nothing to do with me. I also have realized that I didn’t know SHIT about anything before having a kid, despite being the type of person to read everything and over prepare.

So much of my postpartum anxiety early on came from being afraid of being mom shamed for my choices. And then I realized it was affecting the way I parented. Now I don’t give a fuck what anyone says and I will always do what I know in my heart is the right thing. I’ve even told myself that if anyone makes a comment on XYZ, I don’t even need to defend myself. I don’t even need to argue. I can just say “thank you for your concern”, or “I’m good, don’t worry”. I feel so much more at ease now after telling myself to trust my gut and not to let other people bother me.

You’ve got this. You are a great mom and you will do what is right for you and your LO. So fuck that person thinking they know what’s better for you than you do.

 

[luke631]

@hopehouse Gift her the huge baby book by Dr Sears. A book written by 5 doctors and they explicitly state how and why cosleeping is the best. She will get to the sleep section and be like ohhhh lol

 

[norsemen]

@hopehouse Welp. When she has trouble getting her baby to sleep on a seperate surface or is struggling to stay awake at MOTN feeds.. she can come to you to learn how to bedshare safely!

 

[lovebiotic]

@hopehouse It’s just ignorance. Give her the Safe infant sleep book and let her come to an informed conclusion… I know so many nurses AND doctors that have bedshared with their babies… if you do it safely, the risk of SIDS is super low. But at the end of the day, you have to be happy and confident in your decision. My husband and I have to have a United front because there is so much misinformation out there, but you shouldn’t have to defend your choice to anybody! If it works for you and your baby, do the dang thing!

 

[jrichard68]

@hopehouse I just want to add the statistic on SIDS for commonly bedsharing / co-sleeping countries like japan have always been super low in comparison to places like the usa that HAD to advocate / educate due to our societal excessive use of alcohol and drugs, super soft beds vs. futons / tatami mats, large living vs. Smaller footprint housing, extensive prenatal and postnatal education and care with generous maternity leave policies.

Humans have been co sleeping with their infants since cavemen days, sleeping separately is a relatively "new" thing that we humans invented. More countries bedshare sleep than not - as someone who came from a generally accepted co sleeping country the american standards are mind boggling.

Even the french, whose culture dubs babies to be "doing their nights" believes fostering independence by encouraging infants to sleep thru the night - they even believe that it is cruel to separate a mother and child at night time because of a baby's natural instinct to be with their mom.

Just food for thought. Dont let some newbie not-yet-mom talk down to you. She has no freakin clue yet. Just let her be and you do you. Once she had hers... she'll get it.