Explaining gender identity to a rigid thinker

[rockdrik]

@waterflow I was wondering if you guys run into this pattern with your niece. That when you introduce a new idea it's initially met with a lot of resistance but if you make good argument but don't engage in the resistance and expect agreement then the arguments sink in over time? I work very closely with a very rigid thinker and this strategy works really well with him. It gives him time and space to make an idea his own without the pressure or the feeling like he's admitting he was wrong or didn't have the idea or whatever. It kind of sounds like this might be where you are headed, when you said below about using the story to introduce the ideas and then following up with books/stories.

Also, I was curious about the story you wrote below about "grapes are eggs". Is this an attention seeking behaviour at all or what do you attribute it to? Or an attention to the wrong types of details like the shape of grapes as opposed to their make-up? I'm just curious. It seems like quite a puzzle to figure out what KIND of information will make an impact as well as the method on which to present it.

Good luck!

Edit to add: I was wondering if your story points categorizing the body vs. feeling parts of "gender" might go nicely as a kind of chart? Like you start with one of two bodies but then when you grow up you can have one of a number of different types of feelings. Putting it all in one chart might give the idea completeness and you can come back to it? And she can look at it later if she wants to understand. I like that you gave them all the appropriate names, I think it will help.

 

[waterflow]

@rockdrik So... yes and no. I think my niece needs a lot of time to process and come around to an idea like you said. But, it doesn't matter the strength or accuracy of your argument. Some arguments she seems to eventually accept and others she just says, no. It's been very challenging over the years, and to be honest, most of the time we try not to push the topic. In this case, the topic needs to be addressed because she will witness changes in her relative and we need to prepare her for those changes.

What we've come to realize now is that her anxiety (the most recent diagnosis) is actually dominating her thoughts and behaviours, more so than the autism. Her anxiety seems to be expressed through anger, aggression and rule-creation. The PDA-ASD contributes to the rigid thinking. So, the anxiety creates the arbitrary rule and then the PDA-ASD keeps it from being changed. That's just my opinion... no professional has confirmed this!

She recently started an anti-anxiety med and has since had a massive reduction of meltdowns/violence (from 3-4/week to 1/month). She has also said, "I don't have so many worries at night when I take that pill". So, now that the anxiety is a little less potent, we are hoping that she will be more receptive to new information for adjusting her rules.

For the grapes=eggs rule, it was arbitrary because that's what she happened to have for snack (other times it could be cheerios have eggs or muffins have eggs (usually true!)). I think it is her fear that her little sister could die if exposed to eggs and so her mind is constantly swarming with rules to control that fear. My own daughter with a million and one fears tends to express her anxiety immediately as fear (frozen-ness and inaction) and sadness/futility (crying), which is much better, psychologically speaking, than anger/violence. Luckily, my own daughter is quite open to explanations in stories about new concepts. If I told her tomorrow that I'm a boy, she would have no issues, but if I told her to call me "Daddy" she would have huge anxiety because the name is a big change. The boy/girl thing is irrelevant to her because we have never really defined boys/girls in a way she cares about.

I really like your idea about a body chart changing from babyhood to childhood [or whatever stage a person can express their identity]. I will think more about this and see what I come up with. I am really struggling with what images to use in the story to depict any of these concepts.

Thanks for your ideas, I always appreciate your advice and experience!

 

[rockdrik]

@waterflow

"I don't have so many worries at night when I take that pill"

Awe, I feel this so much! How heartbreaking for such a young person to have to manage all that and to be able to recognize relief like that. She's lucky to have so much support.

 

[rockdrik]

@waterflow I have a bit more time to write this morning. What I was thinking for the diagram was on the first row you have "Baby's body looks like:" and then you have two choices: "Boy", "Girl" and then on the next row you have "When you grow up maybe you feel like "Boy", "Girl", "Both boy and girl", "Neither boy and girl". One expression might have all 4 choices under the "Boy" box in the first row and "Girl" for a total of 8 in the second row, then you could colour code the box borders to the terms you introduced above "cisgender", etc. If you wanted, you could even do a third row showing pronoun choices and how they map to the different feelings, or a fourth row showing some examples of the people you know in each category (I get some won't have any). That row could be "Family" showing that regardless of how they sit in the rows above, you're all loved as part of the family. Does that make sense? Sort of one image that covers your whole story. If you want an image per page, you could like build up the whole chart one piece at a time so the first page is mostly empty with just the first row, and then for the second page you add the info in the second row, etc.

Aside: do you ever use a feelings wheel with your niece? Sometimes a good way to try and keep emotions from manifesting as other emotions is to show how emotions are related. I'm sure you're doing tons of emotion naming and acknowledging, but the feelings wheel can be a nice visual to help untangle things when it gets complicated.

 

[waterflow]

@rockdrik Thanks for those ideas! I will keep plugging away on this

We have used feelings/emotions wheels, charts, icons, colors, faces, etc. Everything under the sun. She won't talk about feelings. She won't acknowledge that she even has feelings. She doesn't cry (even as a toddler!). She goes from 0 to angry with nothing in between.

BUT, since the new meds, she has mentioned her feelings 3 times - hurray! So, hopefully, we are on the right track towards more feelings

 

[rockdrik]

@waterflow Fingers crossed for the new meds, sounds like they might be really helpful for you. I know there's a lot of bad press about medicating children, but sometimes it really fixes a biological issue and can relieve a lot of real problems. Hope things keep getting better!

 

[pedroecamachoch]

@waterflow

https://www.reddit.com/r/slatestarcodex/comments/lkany6/explaining_gender_identity_to_a_rigid_thinker

Some comments here you might find helpful

 

[jat7]

@waterflow I love the knowing-who-you-are part.

One aspect that might be helpful, too is "belonging"

E.g. to a FTM transgender, them M team is the home team.
Like: my family. My gender. My name.

Most of us humans growing up have that identity as a solid foundation. They ask themselves: what does it mean, being, if eg born cis male, what does it mean, being male? And they go with that, and it's good and ok for them.

A trans person at some point realizes: they don't click with the birth assigned gender. Many many times, they are uncomfortable, unhappy, a stranger in their body and gender role. Being misgendered all the time is awkward. Now, if they have a good loving family and friends they are allowed to switch gender. With that they can explore the other, the trans gender, and grow into it.

And in their accepting family with their accepting friends they can adopt and accept their inner core gender, they get this resonance: this is where I belong. This is where I am home. This is me, in my team.

And then they do what all people growing up so: find out, what does it mean to me, being male (or female).

 

[louellamerritt]

@waterflow https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Gender-Binary-Pocket-Collective/dp/0593094654