Explaining gender identity to a rigid thinker

[fernandosn]

@katrina2017 As the commenter above you noted, “biological sex” is a messy concept that is influenced by several different biological factors. A significant percentage of people are born with a biological sex that does not neatly fit into binary categories - they are intersex.

“Biological sex” is actually kind of a meaningless term, because there is hormonal sex, anatomical sex, and chromosomal sex. All of which are biological, but do not always match up together.

Sex assignment at birth is most often done by looking at the external genitalia. There are many intersex variations which cannot be determined from simply looking at the genitals, though. That’s why there is a difference in terms between “assigned male/female at birth” and whatever your sex actually is.

 

[katrina2017]

@fernandosn

“Biological sex” is actually kind of a meaningless term, because there is hormonal sex, anatomical sex, and chromosomal sex. All of which are biological, but do not always match up together.

But they do in >99% of people. I don't see how the existence of rare developmental disorders invalidates the meaning of biological sex. This logic would imply that rare blood disorders render blood groups meaningless, or that it's incorrect to describe humans as bipedal because of Phocomelia syndrome. If there is no such thing as sex then to what does the word intersex (inter - sex) refer?

Sex assignment at birth is most often done by looking at the external genitalia. There are many intersex variations which cannot be determined from simply looking at the genitals, though. That’s why there is a difference in terms between “assigned male/female at birth” and whatever your sex actually is.

If an intersex condition is not detected at birth then those individuals would likely be miscategorised as male or female, I agree. The notion that sex is therefore assigned though still seems erroneous. Most humans however are not "assigned" a sex, we simply are male or female.

 

[waterflow]

@cgsad I really like the statements you have used. I've replied to a couple other comments about why we can't use the word sex in the story But, I'm hoping that we will come to a point where I can write a second more detailed story and I'd really like to incorporate your statements because they reflect the social changes that she will be witnessing from her relative.

I received a comment from a moderator for a local autism and gender-diverse facebook group that said that my story should not be used at all because it will not work for a child with PDA-ASD because it makes too many demands of the child. I wanted to ask this person to explain further but, unfortunately, they seem very hypersensitive to how gender is approached that I don't feel like I can ask anything without offending the person. But since you said you work in this field, maybe you can shed some light on why my story (as-is) would be inappropriate for a PDA-ASD child? Which parts are demanding? I was really trying to be sensitive to creating a gentle non-demanding introduction to gender-identity.

In case you have time (but don't feel you need to), the moderator sent me their blog post about this topic and my sister read it and felt very blamed by the author (https://www.cherishcounselling.com/...AbCyESg2PvEojP3CVOaLRR2rT2lwu1i9y8_v2kt-ACGho). Since my sister already feels blamed by her child (the child typically says everything is "your fault" to her mom), I don't want my sister to feel like she created this situation. I'm trying to create a resource that meets this specific child and parent in the moment we are in and not trying to look back and say, "well you should have done this and that since birth."

 

[cgsad]

@waterflow I will do my beat to reply when I get a chance!

 

[waterflow]

@oluwayinka Yes, I hear you and I did want to start it that way, but after talking to my sister, we've decided that unfortunately, this strategy wouldn't work well for this particular child because 1) she shuts down when questioned about anything that she doesn't bring up and 2) she defines sex=intercourse and refuses to acknowledge it's relationship (or difference) with gender. At this point, we want to introduce the idea of gender identity, despite her resistance to the word sex. But, we're hoping that over time, we can reintroduce the difference between sex, gender identity and gender expression. It's too bad that we use sex to mean both sexual acts and biological gender. It's very confusing as I'm discovering!

 

[jk4418]

@waterflow Hopefully a helpful clarification and short sketch of the way I, a PhD in biological anthropology, would approach explaining it to my son (he's now 3 and doesn't seem to have a firm graspon gender or sex identity yet ):

SEX is biological and assigned at birth based on presence/absence of specific organs (there are at least 3 - male, female, intersex [with various combinations of internal/external sex organs]).

GENDER is the social role that one is assigned/assumed at birth and develops over a lifetime - this includes names, clothing, activities of daily living, dating and relationships, etc.

Unfortunately, in traditional Western culture, the same terms [male, female] have been used for sex and gender based on the incorrect assumption that there was a 100% correlation between the two. (In fact, that correlation has often been imposed on folks who didn't have sex and gender that matched, causing lots of pain to those folks.) Other cultures recognize more categories of genders, including modern Western culture, which has come to recognize NONBINARY genders, which fall on a spectrum between male and female. Nonbinary means "not two" which means someone doesn't fit into the two original categories of male and female.

In Western culture, gender is assigned to new babies by parents based on their sex, assuming that they match. For most folks, sex and gender do match, so things work out. But as they grow up, some folks realize that the gender assigned to them at birth doesn't match internal indicators of their gender identity- the gender assigned to them consistently seems that it doesn't fit them and makes life very uncomfortable. Being forced to act like someone you are not is hard, and our culture has not long accepted that this sex/gender mismatch happens. In these days, folks can choose to change their gender and social role to fit their internal identity by changing their name, clothes, etc.

There are a lot of complex relationships and interactions that form gender, so folks transitioning are doing a lot of work to get things changed over. We can help by remembering to call them by their chosen name and using their chosen pronouns (she, her). It takes some practice and we may slip up, but this is very important to her. Recognizing Uncle's transition to become Aunt is a way to show that we love them and understand that they are showing us who they really are inside, something that was incorrectly assumed for so many years.

We don't have to know anything about someone's SEX to know or accept someone's GENDER. We have already taught you that parts covered by a bathing suit are private and not for sharing, and that goes for questions- we don't ask people if their sex organs match their outward gender.

Hope this helps! Thank you for supporting your transitioning family member and loving your child as they are, too. Meeting folks "where they are" is a compassionate form of love.

 

[waterflow]

@jk4418 Yes, I initially wanted to differentiate sex and gender in the story, but the child the story is for equates sex with intercourse and refuses to use the word for anything else (part of her rigid thinking and rules, I guess). So unfortunately, if I use the word sex in the story, she will shut down and not really hear the other statements!

My sister's plan right now is to use the story as the introduction to this topic. Then, we'll buy a few published stories that have been recommended here and on an autism facebook group that I also posted on. Then, we'll gage how the child reacts and see what kinds of questions she has and go from there. We are hoping to introduce the sex/gender difference at some point, but it might not be right away.

The child has a book written for Aspy girls about getting your period, so I think there is likely some discussion of sex in that book, but we think it is all focused on sexual orientation and not gender identity.

 

[jk4418]

@waterflow I am impressed with your thoughtfulness and comprehensive approach. Sending u lots of positive energy.

 

[sam57]

@waterflow We have started telling our six year old to call people what they ask to be called. If they say they are a boy, then they are. If they say they are a girl, then they are. People are allowed to change anytime. And if you aren't sure then you can ask politely "would you like me to call you she, he or something else?"

It's like asking their name.

 

[katrina2017]

@sam57 Not sure that "people are whatever they say they are" is a very scientific approach...

 

[writinggirl]

@waterflow That is a really simple well rounded way of explaining this. We have a 5 year that we have tried to explain a cousins pronoun and name change as a non binary identifying person. But he's 5 and doesn't really have the patience to listen or understand but this is really good and might not be quite right age yet but might use this as he gets a bit older. Thank you
Good luck with your explanations

 

[waterflow]

@writinggirl Thanks. My daughter is 3.5 but doesn't know our transitioning relative well enough so I might eventually write a story for her but she will just know the person as the transitioned person. It's very complex when talking to young kids... Good luck to you too!

 

[sharon1965]

@waterflow I think your hormonal aspect works with the rigid thinking. I work with a 10yo atypical rigid thinker and the explanations help. It’s more then just the surface because “insert more facts”.... more facts will help to end the trail of unknowns, and help ease them into a comfortable zone where they can process it through the rigid thinking.

Also try to have those chemical names handy, the reason we use labels and that even though “you know who you are, and it was easy for you, it’s hard for some people”. Try to bring up that their narrative isn’t everyone’s... (I know you know that part with rigid thinkers, just wanted to remind you in this context ).

Good luck your an amazing parent

 

[rockdrik]

@sharon1965 This is a great point about the facts. I think the way OP put all the definitions of different identities in her points also supports this ideas. There are more categories than niece thought, but there are still different categories which is helpful for giving the concept stability for the child.

 

[waterflow]

@sharon1965 Thanks, we are hoping to supplement this very brief introductory story with some other published stories that will go into more details.

My sister is a biologist so hopefully she will have all the proper chemical/hormone names ready to go.

One of our issues is that the child doesn't "believe" anything her mom/dad/aunt/etc say. It doesn't seem to be fact to her unless it comes from a book or... some other entity? We're not always even sure what entity will convince her. For example, she'll say, "grapes have eggs. Don't give grapes to my sister [who is allergic to eggs]." and we'll say, "oh, actually, grapes don't have eggs in them. It's ok for sister to eat grapes." and she'll say, "no it isn't." and then shut down. It's a real struggle to figure out how to address these continuously incorrect rules that she has created in her mind. And I know the better approach is to say, "oh, why do you think grapes have eggs in them?" etc. etc. but it often feels like her incorrect facts and statements are continuous and it is exhausting addressing all of them in the best way! But, still, we obviously need to work on using better responses to her assumed facts.

 

[sharon1965]

@waterflow I know this well, it almost seems like a defiance issue....are they doing this to assert themselves? do they seek control? I know it’s exhausting trying to be patient with it the whole day, and if you slip it’s almost just as hard as the whole day of holding it in. There’s a booklet called Superflex , that goes over social thinking vocabulary definitions and examples, it works mostly to spark conversations about conversational skills. Maybe go back a little and define what “hidden rules” and “wacky stories” are and when it’s ok to let go and when it’s important to let it go. It’s meant for younger kids but I’ve finding new ways to use it on my older ones too, especially when they let loose with video games lol

 

[waterflow]

@sharon1965 Thanks, I will look into that book. It's not defiance. It's anxiety (for this kiddo). Her anxiety is so high that her mind is always creating rules to control the anxiety. Those rules then end up controlling the environment. Then, the PDA-ASD rigid thinking further cements those arbitrary rules making it super difficult to alter them! But, since starting a new anti-anxiety med, she has mentioned her own feelings about 3 times in the past 6 weeks or so (up from zero times). So, hopefully, as she starts to acknowledge her feelings, she will be able to convert some of that anxiety into feelings of futility/sadness and grieve them (cry) and then release them... well, that's the long-term hope anyway. The day to day is still a huge struggle!

 

[sharon1965]

@waterflow I’ve reread your post a few times, thanks for taking the time to explain. You guys sound like you are on the right path, I hope all works well, bit by bit.

And yea the vocabulary is good for self reflection, I use them for myself too lol

 

[sunnyday67]

@waterflow Sex isn't assigned, it's observed.

 

[helco]

@waterflow I think this is really great!! I second what other people said to make sure to define “sex” and “gender” as different. Sex being male vs female body parts and gender being the identity.