Exhausted ptsd mom, bed sharing and sleep training guilt,

[ms92help]

Excuse the title but I literally didn’t know what else to put. It’s currently 5 am and I’m at my wits end. This is going to be a long rant post and I just need some support, encouragement, constructive criticism, etc. this is the only subreddit where I know I can rant to compassionate and down to earth people…
My son is 10 months, but 8 months adjusted as he was born early due to incompetent cervix(IC). My entire pregnancy was traumatic because the gold standard of treating late diagnosed IC is bedrest.And my OBs had me in the hospital on bedrest for 2 months. I was not a candidate for a cerclage because I was past viability. Well I went into preterm labor with back labor for an hour and my son was found to be in footling breech. I had a very emergent c section I was only 30+6 so my uterus wasn’t fully developed or thickened and thus I had a classical c section. Condemning me to never, ever be able to have a VBAC. This is still a fact I am processing through.
Before any one asks, yes I do have a therapists who specializes in PPD, PPA, etc. I do have a psychiatrist as well. I recently went per diem at my job so I only work 1 day week to help heal from this very traumatic year because I really let myself go. I’ve gained 20 lbs since my sons birth and have consistent low energy. Anyone who has a premature baby knows the trauma of the NICU that leaves on you. I still have some anxiety about those apnea and Brady moments. I flashback to them a lot.
Sleep has always been a struggle with my little guy. In the NICU they drill the safe sleep ABCs. Rightfully so since preemies are at a higher risks for SIDS. But I have been bedsharing with my son since he came home. I have always felt guilty about it but he won’t have it any other way. When he first came home at just 35+5, he would only sleep on our chests. I’m not going to lie there were times where both my husband and I have fallen asleep with him on our chests in the bed from pure exhaustion and that’s not safe sleep 7. But he had reflux and laying flat was painful for him. My husband and I realized we just needed to do our sleep in shifts until he grew out of his reflux. He did at around 5 months actual. currently he naps pretty good in his crib but at bedtime we Usually put him down in his crib between 7-8 pm and at around midnight he cries to be in the bed with us. Well he is crawling and I’m terrified of having him fall off our bed. We have side gates but no end of the bed gates. We attempted Ferber method to see if he could do it but we keep failing at it. I think the attempts really screwed him up and he is now punishing us (so it seems like). For the past week, he has been waking up at 3 am up until 5am. I change his diaper and try to rock back to sleep. He will fall asleep but then when I put him back in bed with me he gets fussy and tries to sit up and play. This time, we fed him and he fell asleep faster. But we feed every 2.5-3 hrs during the day and he gets between 30-32 oz before bedtime plus solids. So I don’t get it? And I really don’t want to feed him at night and have his teeth get rotten. We follow the sleep schedule that takingcarababies posts for free and we try very hard to follow it. So I don’t get that either? I don’t think he is undertired. His wake windows. Are 3-3.5 hrs and his nap totals time is 2.5-3 hrs. Idk I feel like I’m always being bombarded with how I should raise my son on social media. It’s a constant trigger for me. Like all I see is: Bedshare-it’s good for attachment listen to your baby vs don’t bedshare it’s dangerous and you’re a shit parent for it. Sleep train so your kid can learn an important milestone of self soothing and you can get really sleep vs how could you ever let your kid cry like that? Your a monster! Babies don’t self soothe. And ofc, ArE yOu FoLlOwInG YoUr WaKE wINdOWs? If it were up to me, I would just let my son sleep with me in our bed and following a loose schedule that is flexible but I don’t want to be seen as irresponsible and not to mention the crawling thing of him falling off the bed terrifies me. Anyway, please if you’ve got this far, I could really use some guidance and support. Thanks y’all.

 

[solonotsingle]

@ms92help Sending love from another ptsd NICU preemie mum. It sounds like a good clear out of your social media might help first. ‘Does this content serve me? Or is it affecting me negatively?’ If the latter, unfollow, block certain keywords, etc. And remember the key thing here: it is up to you. It is your baby. You get to parent how you want to parent. You want to bedshare in a way that works for you and your son? Do it. Maybe think about switching to a floor bed so he can’t fall. You want to go with a loose flexible schedule? Do it. You are not irresponsible, you are parenting responsively to your family’s needs.

 

[ms92help]

@solonotsingle Hello fellow NICU mama! When was your LO born? Yeah I agree a social media purging is in order. However I did see on social media of parents using a queen floor bed in an XL play pen to bedshare and I’m really liking that idea… thank you for your lovely words.

 

[skelly]

@ms92help I'm going to say this as a second time Mom. I take things a lot less seriously this time around, and everyone is happier.

With my first, wake windows were what we were told to do. I would hold off naps or feedings because, hello, it's not time yet. My little one and I were stressed.

With my second (she's currently 5 months), I let her tell me when she's hungry, when she's tired. Is she acting cranky and sleepy, but it's only been an hour and a half since her last nap? Okay little one, let's go put on your sleep sac and try.

I personally didn't do co sleeping, but I do have their crib in our room. (My husband can't wake up for an alarm, I wasn't going to tuck a little one in there). Some nights are just rough. Our little one hasn't slept through the night yet, but the time before feeds is getting longer. We night feed if they are hungry. After they are a year, we tried to wean the night feeds. Little one is still growing so much!

Lastly. You are doing wonderful. If I could offer just one piece of advice. Stop caring about how other people think of your parenting. Is everyone healthy? Fed? Sleeping (as much as a family with young babies sleeps, haha)? No one outside your home has an opinion inside your home, as long as everyone is safe.

I hope this helps. I'm also tired. My five month old decided that 5am is a perfect time to start the day, haha, and I'm on my third cup of coffee. Just know you're not alone.

 

[ms92help]

@skelly Yeah I definitely feel I got that new mom nerves and rigidity. I think it is made worse by my traumatic motherhood journey. I feel as if I failed at everything and now I’m failing at having a baby that sleeps through the night. From what I am realizing, babies gonna sleep the way they want. But is it pretty normal for babies to want to eat all of sudden in MOTN? He just started doing this when he hit 8 months adjusted. So I am wondering if it’s a sleep regression thing? But you’re right as long as we are safe, growing, and happy that’s all that matters! I need to make the quote “comparison is the thief of joy” a freaking mantra at this point. Thank you

 

[skelly]

@ms92help Maybe he's going through a big growth spurt and just needs the little extra feed for a while to fill up. I wouldn't worry about thinking you're "going backward". If I have learned anything at all, it's that babies aren't linear or the same.

If you have Disney+, I recommend watching a show called Bluey, specifically an episode called Baby Race.

 

[ms92help]

@skelly Yes I do and I will! Thank you!

 

[nmeckert]

@ms92help I hate when people ask me if the baby is sleeping through the night, too. It's such a bizarre expectation of these tiny little humans! My own mother has reminded me that I never slept through until almost 3 years. So far our little guy - who is almost 10 months - has never once slept through the night. And that's okay! Babies are gonna baby. You are doing great!

 

[lovebug3]

@ms92help our baby was only in the nicu for 6 days, but it really cracked something deep inside me. I still don't really sleep, i still have really bad separation anxiety. I think until she was maybe 4 months I didn't sleep on my baby shifts, I just held her all night, and then would sleep when my husband could watch her.

at the 6 month check up our pediatrician encouraged us to work on helping her sleep in her crib, drop her night feed, and work on letting her sleep in a separate room. I really didn't want to do any of that, but it has been such a help for my anxiety. it took about a month, I think it was a bit of an exacerbated process because she started breaking her first tooth through, but now she sleeps usually about 12 hours, some nights all the way through, some nights she needs support. she sleeps better now, but I sleep better too, I realized if I'm in the room with her I will constantly check if she's breathing (she had some problems with her lungs when she was born), and that fear didn't stop until recently.

I've linked the study so many times on so many subreddits but it really helped us, this is the most "sleep training" we've done, and it really worked to help her get in her crib and sleep through the night more often. I usually walk around and sing her bedtime songs (2-3 songs), then lay down in bed with her for about 45 minutes just because I love those evening snuggles, then I get up and walk for 5, then sit for 8, then stand at the crib for 1 minute before putting her in. we follow the possums program during the day.

 

[layla17293]

@lovebug3 Our LO needed to be in the NICU as a precaution for 48hrs before they could do an ultrasound (basically, but more specialized) on her heart. On a Sunday. There is only one provider in our metro area of 1,000,000+ people that bounces around from each hospital as needed on Sundays. We were just waiting on that and the specialist's ok to be discharged (who was also waiting around all day as we were). Finally happened at almost 8 pm. Looking back I definitely cracked! But we are doing great now at 6 months PP. Probably the only thing keeping me from assaulting a particular health care worker was knowing I would be charged and wouldn't be able to take my baby home.

 

[ms92help]

@lovebug3 Th NICU is a scary place no matter how long your stay. And it is so so hard to leave the hospital without your baby. Yes I have heard of this actually! I’ll give a look and see if it will work for my family. It seems very gentle and I like that!

 

[paigerific87]

@ms92help My baby was very prone to the 2am party. It turns out I was letting her sleep too long during the day. Maybe for some kids sleep begets sleep, but certainly not for mine. I had to cap her daytime sleep pretty intensely and the middle of the night parties stopped. It took me way too long (and way too many 3am drives to get her to sleep) to figure this out. I also had a lot of guilt about bedsharing with my newborn but she just literally would not sleep any other way and I really didn’t want to fall asleep while nursing in a chair. People that don’t have those types of babies/ kids just truly cannot understand. Re: worrying about falling off the bed, can you just put a mattress on the floor?

 

[ms92help]

@paigerific87 Yes! I’m actually thinking that my son is a low sleep needs baby. Or going through a sleep regression. Because he started this right at 8 months when before he sleep through the night pretty well. I’m gonna kinda go with the flow and see what his new needs are the next couple of days. I’m glad I am no longer working full time and I have the option to do that. And definitely today the bed is going on the floor! Thank you!

 

[paigerific87]

@ms92help I hope it gets better soon. 8-10 months was the absolute worst for us in terms of sleep. Pretty sure I capped all daytime sleep at 75 min. So much was happening developmentally plus my child had a bunch of teeth coming in at the same time. If your mattress is on the floor btw, just make sure it’s away from the walls to mitigate entrapment risk. My daughter is over 2 and she has never once slept through the night. The fact that your baby has before is encouraging! I’m sure they will do it again.

 

[followthelight]

@ms92help I didn’t realize it when I was in the thick of it, but I understand it so much better now that my son is 2. Just like every human is individual and different from one another - every baby-parent pair is unique as well. While bed-sharing may work for some, it doesn’t work for others. The same applies to sleep training. Once you accept this reality- things will get better for you.
You will have to figure out what works for you and your baby, make it as safe as possible, be at peace with it and be ok knowing that other people may do it differently.

 

[ms92help]

@followthelight That is my biggest hurdle but you are so right! Thank you for your encouragement

 

[thabang]

@ms92help I just want to say its ao normal for babies to not sleep well, and it is nothing you are doing wrong. He is not punishing you for failing at sleep training, babies are not capable of that kind of thought process. And you didnt fail, you tried something and realised it didnt work for you.

I don't have specific advice about how to help your baby sleep, but I do think you should give yourself a break. It is so hard not sleeping well, its a method of torture for a reason. There are always the occasional parents whos baby sleeps well, and I will tell you it is highly likely they have just been blessed with a good sleeper. If it was simple to get them to sleep then there wouldnt be such a massive sleep training industry.

Youre doing your best and it is simply a phase of sleeping horribly!!!

 

[ms92help]

@thabang I know he isn’t really punishing me but I totally feel like it haha! But you’re so right about the whole sleep training industry! I mean their is so much out there and so many different ways to get your kid to sleep. It’s distracting and deflating to say the least. New mom life is so hard and do feel like I’m hard on myself. My parents are actually moving very close so I will have more support and hopefully I can get a break with the grandparents help. Thank you so much for your encouragement! I truly appreciate it! I love this subreddit because everyone here is just so down to earth. Thank you

 

[jorian]

@ms92help Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you're struggling! I'm glad you've got support to process your rocky start with your LO, that's so important.

Previous commenters have all given you really solid advice, I just wanted to say as a fellow mum of a non-sleeper (who's nearly 3 and still not STTN) - this is really hard! And it's NOTHING you are doing "wrong".

Reading your post, what stood out to me most of all is total frustration with mixed messaging on social media. So take a break. I used to read all the things and try the apps and it made me go a bit insane, tbh. So I deleted instagram and stopped googling baby sleep, and now we just go with the flow. Has it solved all our issues? Clearly not, because he still wakes up at night, but also we've found ways of coping that work for us as a family, and it's no one else's business, actually. If my child has a very active imagination and vivid dreams and needs to sleep in my bed to feel safe, that's fine, he'll grow out of it. We night weaned, so I know he CAN put himself to sleep, but I still nurse to sleep at bedtime because we both enjoy the cuddles. Bad habit or biological norm, who cares, it works. As for wake windows and the whole concept of "overtired", in my experience they can take a running jump. Focus on your baby. If it's taking longer than 10 mins to put him to sleep, he's not ready. Take a break and try again in 20 mins. Middle of the night parties suck, we had a few (of the 2am-4am variety) and I thought I was going to die. Do you make sure you both get outside in the day to get some sunshine and fresh air?

Tbh though 8-12m was a really hard phase for us in terms of sleep; they start separation anxiety and the brain's developing at a rate of knots and it's a lot. Try to have some compassion on yourself at this time. If you can take shifts with your partner for the 3-5am rave, do it. If you can rest while LO naps in the day, do it. Whatever gets you through. It will get better.

 

[ms92help]

@jorian I love this advice about the ten minutes and try again! Thank you! And yeah I need a social media purge. We do go outside at least every other day because it is something for both of us to do lol! But I do try to have natural Light come into our apartment everyday. And we have recently taken him to the pool because where we live, it is insanely hot now! I think we will have to do the shift thing. Luckily my husband works from home and I am home now and so we can definitely handle it as a team now. And I’m hearing more and more the 8-10 month age is a struggle bus. Thank you so much for your advice and empathy . Truly appreciate it