@gordon63 I understand everything you’ve said until the last paragraph. Your husband is just wrong about that and there is a lot of hyperbole. It’s not 2 extra years of a tough life. It’s the next 18-20 years having a tougher life. I chose to have the second child and I’m happy with my decision, don’t get me wrong, but i can see now it’s going to be a lot more work for a long long time. And I think for all the pros that a sibling brings, there is an equal number of cons for the older child in terms of having less of his parents resources- time, money, attention. And there are other considerations too. What if your second child has some kind of disability? Without trying to be rude, having a child in your mid 40s increases that risk. That will certainly impact all of your lives for the foreseeable future. 1 kid can slot into your life somewhat. 2 kids is a full change of lifestyle. And if you do things right, your child will absolutely not end up lonely or maladjusted. Some of the coolest, most confident and social kids I know are only children.
I'm 42 with a 7 month old - want more but am EXHAUSTED
- Thread starter gordon63
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elvisrene10
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2christian4u
New member
@elvisrene10 And it’s not just 2 years. It’s literally until the kid is an adult. The first 2 years might be hard but the years after that aren’t just going to be smooth sailing. Especially not the toddler years!
anushagupta
New member
@gordon63 There’s no reason to feel terrible about having only one kid! I know plenty of only children who really liked their set up. You get lots of individualized attention from your parents (a good thing as long as you’re parents aren’t crazy, which I assume you are not), you generally have a greater ability to participate in your hobbies and extracurricular activities because you’re not competing for time or money with your siblings, and you still get the benefit of companionship from friends, cousins, and schoolmates.
Whatever you decide to do, don’t let worry about your child being an old child be the motivating factor.
Whatever you decide to do, don’t let worry about your child being an old child be the motivating factor.
@anushagupta I had a really, really, really shit experience as an only child so I am terrified that my son will have a similar situation. Plus, we don't have the benefit of heaps of similarly-aged cousins nearby.
I basically spent from birth until age 40 (when I met my husband) devoid of meaningful social interaction with people my age. It wasn't for lack of trying; I put myself out there re: making friends, but kept failing until I stopped failing and rejection really hurt.
If I had siblings, I 100% would have glommed onto them and followed them wherever I went. Being an only child gave me the trauma response of hyper-independence; I moved abroad, lived in a ton of really dope cities, *eventually* met some A-M-A-Z-I-N-G friends that I'd die for and vice versa...but all of that was a massive trauma response and didn't come without going through pain and rejection.
If I had a sibling, I probably wouldn't be incentivized to make any friends or travel or do anything independent.
I basically spent from birth until age 40 (when I met my husband) devoid of meaningful social interaction with people my age. It wasn't for lack of trying; I put myself out there re: making friends, but kept failing until I stopped failing and rejection really hurt.
If I had siblings, I 100% would have glommed onto them and followed them wherever I went. Being an only child gave me the trauma response of hyper-independence; I moved abroad, lived in a ton of really dope cities, *eventually* met some A-M-A-Z-I-N-G friends that I'd die for and vice versa...but all of that was a massive trauma response and didn't come without going through pain and rejection.
If I had a sibling, I probably wouldn't be incentivized to make any friends or travel or do anything independent.
@gordon63 Soooo many people I know (myself included) are estranged from their siblings. Life is a crapshoot.
One thing to consider: How were your parents with you? Would that factor into your childhood experience? Also kids aren't born as blank slates - they're all individuals and some thrive as only kids.
One thing to consider: How were your parents with you? Would that factor into your childhood experience? Also kids aren't born as blank slates - they're all individuals and some thrive as only kids.
@akyzar My parents were amazing with me. My mom made sure I had tons of enrichment activities, she got me into violin and science camps and stem-focused private schools. She wasn’t that social and didn’t prioritize friendships (hers or mine) and she’s still a bit of a frosty misanthrope, but she did an amazing job with me.
My dad…he didn’t do much active parenting (traditional values) but we bonded by going on walks in the woods etc. we got along amazingly when I was young. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s living in NYC and working on Wall Street that my dad began to dislike me (because a high-earning woman in the big city who spends money on travel and sushi and cocktail dresses is only good for the streets).
Now, my parents keep us at a polite distance. They’re curious about my son but aren’t eager to meet him unless we come to them. They live in Florida and are DeSantis Republicans and my husband and I are normal, empathetic people - hence the rift.
My dad…he didn’t do much active parenting (traditional values) but we bonded by going on walks in the woods etc. we got along amazingly when I was young. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20s living in NYC and working on Wall Street that my dad began to dislike me (because a high-earning woman in the big city who spends money on travel and sushi and cocktail dresses is only good for the streets).
Now, my parents keep us at a polite distance. They’re curious about my son but aren’t eager to meet him unless we come to them. They live in Florida and are DeSantis Republicans and my husband and I are normal, empathetic people - hence the rift.
@gordon63 I see, thanks for taking the time to share all this. There's actually a bit to process and unpack here. I'm sure your parents did their best, but the part where you mentioned your mother wasn't social sticks out to me a bit.
(The whole Florida and DeSantis thing is another convo in and of itself)
(The whole Florida and DeSantis thing is another convo in and of itself)
@gordon63 Your mom and mine actually sound a bit similar, and I suspect she's been struggling with undiagnosed autism and/or ADHD compounded by some definite childhood trauma. Growing up, she was hyper-focused on making sure I had a well-rounded education and a lot of experiences. But she didn't take the time to socialize or have fun for herself. Hardly kept up with her friends.
But even if your mom isn't struggling with being on the spectrum, she sounds depressed.
But even if your mom isn't struggling with being on the spectrum, she sounds depressed.
@akyzar She refuses to talk about her childhood or anything personal to me. She’s opened up somewhat now that I have a husband and child, but she still has massive walls up.
In contrast to me - once I got over being the epically unpopular kid in school, I came out of my shell and became that person who could befriend anyone, from European aristocrats to Bhutanese monks to the salty fisherman sitting at the end of the bar.
Whether my mom has some undiagnosed condition or she’s just a raging see-you-next-tuesday - still has the same effect.
In contrast to me - once I got over being the epically unpopular kid in school, I came out of my shell and became that person who could befriend anyone, from European aristocrats to Bhutanese monks to the salty fisherman sitting at the end of the bar.
Whether my mom has some undiagnosed condition or she’s just a raging see-you-next-tuesday - still has the same effect.
2christian4u
New member
@gordon63 I feel like you’re romanticising what life with siblings is like. I have 4 and I moved countries. I became independent at a pretty young age thanks to parentification and couldn’t wait to be away.
I’m close to 2 out of the 4. And close in the sense that I still need distance in the relationship for it to work. I understand you didn’t have a good experience as an only but on the flip side, there are plenty of people who also haven’t had a good time as one of many.
I’m close to 2 out of the 4. And close in the sense that I still need distance in the relationship for it to work. I understand you didn’t have a good experience as an only but on the flip side, there are plenty of people who also haven’t had a good time as one of many.
@gordon63 I’m sorry you had such a shitty time as an only, but it definitely doesn’t have to be that way. Plus siblings can come with loads of other problems. Also, it’s definitely not a friend for life - my older brother left for college when he was 18, I was 14. We haven’t lived in the same house, same city or even the same state since. I like him just fine, but we are not close - we see each other maybe once a year, live on opposite coasts, and talk on the phone every couple of months. (Not for lack of trying on my part, he’s just not a communicative guy!) it’s fine for you to say you were lonely without a sibling when you were a kid, but I think it’s a bit of a stretch to blame your loneliness in your 20s and 30s on your lack of a sibling. You mention that you would have glommed on to a sibling if you had one, but they may not have let you! I was a super annoying little sister and my brother wanted nothing to do with me until I was 18 and figured out how to not be a pest. I think you might consider therapy to unpack these feelings a bit.
@aria I’ve done therapy, i’m also on lexapro which has really helped. I just haven’t unpacked the possibility that I might be a parent to an only child, and by choice.
I’ve accepted my rather crappy time as an only, and I’ve also accepted that due to my age, my son might end up being an only (something I’m fine with). But the real head-messer-upper is the realization that my mental health limits might be to have only one kid.
Basically I never thought I’d actually want to be one and done until I got sick this week.
I’ve accepted my rather crappy time as an only, and I’ve also accepted that due to my age, my son might end up being an only (something I’m fine with). But the real head-messer-upper is the realization that my mental health limits might be to have only one kid.
Basically I never thought I’d actually want to be one and done until I got sick this week.
pilgrimswalk
New member
@gordon63 I am in a very different situation so maybe take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think if there’s hesitation / uncertainty about bringing a future human life (note how I didn’t just say a baby, but an eventual whole ass adult experiencing life’s fullness of joy and misery alike) into the world and also about the ability to adequately care for said life without wearing yourself too thin—then one and done might be the move
pilgrimswalk
New member
You won’t be hurting anyone having just one little and it sounds from your words like you are already a bomb parent 
@gordon63 I just want to say that all of the problems you’ve listed in your only child experience are all things that can and do happen to people with siblings. You are talking like none of these things would have happened if you had had a sibling, but none of those have anything to do with being a sibling. You seem to think that you are dooming your child to a horrible life if you don’t give them a sibling, but that’s just not true. Many many only children have great childhoods and love their experience. It’s honestly a little offensive how you are speaking as if it’s not possible to be a well-adjusted not-lonely child if you don’t have a sibling.
@gordon63 I think all the commenters have made such great points. And I’m sorry if someone already suggested this… have you considered therapy? I only ask bc I had major postpartum anxiety and it wasn’t until I started talking to a therapist once a week that I began to feel a bit better. For me it was really rough at the start and i didn’t begin feeling like an individual until my son was about 18 months or so (I had been talking to the therapist for 4 month stints on two separate occasions at that point). My son is 2.5 years old now and every day I feel more independent and more confident. I do things we hadn’t before like go out to eat on a whim or leave baby with my partner to hang with friends. My partner is an amazing father and was always willing to stay with the baby - I just never let myself be ok with that. Not sure if this is your situation but I’m just sharing in case it’s helpful.
Another thing to consider would be - why did you have such a negative experience as an only child? If you do decide to go the route of having an only child, what are some ways you can improve upon your child’s situation in comparison to your childhood? If you can start planning how you can increase your child’s enrichment, you may start to feel less guilty about not having another child.
Another thing to consider would be - why did you have such a negative experience as an only child? If you do decide to go the route of having an only child, what are some ways you can improve upon your child’s situation in comparison to your childhood? If you can start planning how you can increase your child’s enrichment, you may start to feel less guilty about not having another child.
@sebe I've been doing somewhat regular therapy and I've been on lexapro since coming home from the hospital (delivery). It's helped heaps.
It's not an independence / confidence / PPA thing. It's more of a thing about whether we legit can afford a second kid without decimating our cash position beyond repair, and whether I can endure a few more years of infant hell before the kids are old enough to feed and poop by themselves and sleep through the night.
I had to make the tough decision to "retire" from "competitive" running (i.e. entering into, training for road races - I put those in air quotes since I'm by no means a pro; just someone who is fast enough to podium in her age group) because my partner was struggling too much to care for our son alone on Sunday mornings. And forget about writing, since my writing group meets for like 2 hours on Wednesday evenings once a month. Because we don't have evening care, I can't join that.
My only child experience: I just felt very isolated and otherized. Didn't really have friends in middle / high school. I remember having friends in elementary school but those were more like playmates. Was bullied in college (sorority girls called me a slut, etc; I felt like I was on the outside looking in). Being an only child forced me to get out of my comfort zone, put myself out there to make friends. I then moved abroad and to a ton of different cities (trauma response - hyperindependence) and eventually formed a TREMENDOUS circle of true friends and acquaintances, but that wasn't until my 30s.
If I had a close r'ship with a sibling, I would have been like my dad - didn't need to make friends bc his siblings were his friends. Never moved far from them, never would have moved abroad, never would have chosen a city other than the closest large city to home.
I have no idea how to make my child's life better if he ends up an only child. The go-to response is COUSINS but since we're estranged from my husband's sister (who doesn't want kids), my son won't have the opportunity for cousins. I remember that the only time children really talked to me as a kid was when I played with my cousins and seeing them more would have made my young life more enriching, but my dad had to move away from his long time family home for a job.
It's not an independence / confidence / PPA thing. It's more of a thing about whether we legit can afford a second kid without decimating our cash position beyond repair, and whether I can endure a few more years of infant hell before the kids are old enough to feed and poop by themselves and sleep through the night.
I had to make the tough decision to "retire" from "competitive" running (i.e. entering into, training for road races - I put those in air quotes since I'm by no means a pro; just someone who is fast enough to podium in her age group) because my partner was struggling too much to care for our son alone on Sunday mornings. And forget about writing, since my writing group meets for like 2 hours on Wednesday evenings once a month. Because we don't have evening care, I can't join that.
My only child experience: I just felt very isolated and otherized. Didn't really have friends in middle / high school. I remember having friends in elementary school but those were more like playmates. Was bullied in college (sorority girls called me a slut, etc; I felt like I was on the outside looking in). Being an only child forced me to get out of my comfort zone, put myself out there to make friends. I then moved abroad and to a ton of different cities (trauma response - hyperindependence) and eventually formed a TREMENDOUS circle of true friends and acquaintances, but that wasn't until my 30s.
If I had a close r'ship with a sibling, I would have been like my dad - didn't need to make friends bc his siblings were his friends. Never moved far from them, never would have moved abroad, never would have chosen a city other than the closest large city to home.
I have no idea how to make my child's life better if he ends up an only child. The go-to response is COUSINS but since we're estranged from my husband's sister (who doesn't want kids), my son won't have the opportunity for cousins. I remember that the only time children really talked to me as a kid was when I played with my cousins and seeing them more would have made my young life more enriching, but my dad had to move away from his long time family home for a job.