Exhausted ptsd mom, bed sharing and sleep training guilt,

[echeneis]

@ms92help I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a rough start to motherhood. It’s hard enough without all the extra trauma you’ve been through. I had a traumatic birth too, NICU stay, PPD, and PTSD. Therapy and medication do help, stick with what you’re doing there.

Like many people have said above, worry less about what all the social media “experts” are telling you and instead listen to your baby and do what works for your family. There’s no “right” answer. Everything with babies is a phase and you do what you can to get through it until they hit the next phase.

FWIW, around 10 months we switched our son to a floor bed and that helped us. Similar problem - he would wake at night, fall asleep in our arms, then wake up again when we tried to transfer him back to the crib. We fully baby proofed his room, put a firm IKEA mattress on the floor, and when he woke up at night I’d get into his bed and nurse him until he fell back asleep. Bonus was I could sleep with him instead of trying to stay awake in a chair, and could go back to my bed if I wanted once he was asleep again. It wasn’t perfect, there were still lots of nights where we struggled, but we got through it. You will too!

 

[ms92help]

@echeneis Hi fellow NICU parent! And yes I am hearing more and more the 8 month age is the hardest. It just sucks we have to go through it longer with his Preemie status. I felt like the newborn stage would never end but here I am wishing he was that small and cuddly again!

 

[markinsydney]

@ms92help Oh my god mama, you poor thing. Fwiw, based on my less intense but somewhat similar experiences:

Bedshare. Stick your mattress on the floor, put your bed into storage and embrace the relative ease of not having to get up to sooth your son while he goes thru this dumb annoying wake up phase. Do the easiest thing for you rn bc you need to claw back some rest wherever you can.

Accept that some babies have terrible sleep. Especially (imho) ones who had a rough time at birth. In our experience it does get better over time, gently and gradually. You’re not doing anything to cause it, some kids just suck (at sleep). Most people who have happy snoozey potato babies just won’t get it. Some of us contact nap reflux trauma baby veterans DO get it.

Try night feeds. Get more sleep. Controversially, our paediatric dentist swears that night feeds (of breastmilk in our case) don’t cause decay. In the quest for sleep it’s a risk you might want to take. Plus they get two sets anyway.

 

[ms92help]

@markinsydney Thankfully his MOTN play time have stopped. The only thing we did differently was put our floor on the bed so it is safer for us to bedshare. We also have side rails but he is actually able to crawl off the bed to the floor pretty safely! But I guess it was a sleep regression we just had to get through?

That is so Interesting that you say that about baby sleep and traumatic births. My son at 4 months and 2 months adjusted, had to also have inguinal hernia repair surgery and I wonder if that affected his sleep too? Anyway I absolutely love bedsharing with him. I guess I just needed some validation and some support from fellow parents. I’m the first of all my friends (and my family in a very long time) to have a baby. I do have one friend with a baby but he is from what I can tell a decent sleeper. But I think bedsharing isn’t an option for them because they are smokers and pets share the bed with them. Anyway I digress! And so true they certainly do get two sets!! I’m not really worried about the teeth thing thanks to the responses I’ve gotten!
Thank you so so so much for your support it’s so encouraging to hear it from other mamas

 

[brianp24]

@ms92help Ohhh mama sending so many hugs and much love to you!!! You are doing AMAZING!!! Social media is sometimes such BULLSHIT!!! I was suffering as well from the constant bombardment of information. What I learned from that is basically new moms are a very vulnerable group of people and we are taken advantage of at an extreme rate. We will do anything if someone tells us it’s the best for our baby—including paying however much for someone’s online guide to sleep training/starting solids/etc etc etc.
My 14m old NEVER followed wake windows. I would make myself MISERABLE following that BS takingcarababies schedule too!!!
Don’t ever feel guilty for bedsharing. Or feel guilty for anything you’re doing. Babies and mothers have a biological need to be close to eachother for a significant time after birth (I don’t know exactly how long but it’s not just a few weeks or months.)
If your intuition is telling you to bedshare then keep doing it!!

I suffered from a traumatic birth as well and even at 14m I am still working on it with my therapist. So just take it one day at a time as hard as that seems. Keep reminding yourself that every day you’re making progress.
I also remember that fear of the babe crawling off the bed. The only thing I did was basically watch the monitor like a hawk and as soon as she stirred I would swoop into the room. Luckily the phase between crawling and walking was short for us and I taught her how to get off the bed pretty early on. It’s still a fear of mine even tho she’s great at it now. Can you put your mattress on the floor for the time being? And put pillows on the floor? Living with your mattress on the floor isn’t ideal (it took a while for me to convince my husband) but it’s not forever. I would also recommend doing a sidecar crib. I’m able to half lay in the side crib and nurse her until she falls asleep and then roll away. It only gives me like 3 hours of independent sleep but it’s better than nothing!
Oh and as for the being afraid of feeding him at night, I still do it and her teeth are fine .
I know you mentioned your desire to just follow a looser schedule, so why not try it? What have you got to lose? I can tell you from experience, all your baby wants is closeness. He doesn’t care if he’s on a schedule or not. Like I said before all of these people posting about how to raise your kids on social media are not trying to help— they’re trying to sell you their product. Keep that in mind when you scroll now and hopefully that will help to block it out.

Something I work on a lot with my therapist is deciphering whether it’s my anxiety talking or my i intuition talking when I’m deciding to do something.

I totally resonate with healing from trauma and dealing with excess anxiety— you feel like you’re so afraid to do the wrong thing. Well the fact that you’re so worried about it means you’re an awesome mom in the first place.

If you ever want to message me on here please feel free. Motherhood is HARD but your baby loves you no matter what. (sorry that was all over the place, we don’t sleep in this house either lol).

 

[ms92help]

@brianp24 You are so sweet. Thank you so much for your kind words. But yes I am going to follow my sons lead because nothing else is working. Thank you again! You’re doing a great job too!

 

[nayse]

@ms92help You seem to feel comfortable and want to bedshare, so do it! To make yourself most comfortable, check out guidelines on cosleepy. She lays out different, safe, ways and tips. As baby gets older, it gets easier and you won't have to stress about crawling and falling off the bed.

I'd suggest a floor bed, either for yourself or for baby. We did a double mattress for my daughter when she turned on so we could sleep with her. Doesn't matter if she rolled off the bed as it was about two inches off the ground (she now knows the edges).

You can also get railings for your bed if you don't want to put your own mattress on the floor.

Also, fuck wake windows. Ignore anyone telling you rigid wake windows NEED to be adhered to. They don't if they don't work for you and baby. Take on baby's cues and go from there! We've always been pretty flexible on everything and it's never been an issue.

Sleep trainers will try to convince you you NEED to do whatever they say in order for your baby to sleep, but you don't. Sleep training is not needed, they're just marketing their garbage and trying to sell you stuff. Take a break from social media and listen to your intuition.

 

[ms92help]

@nayse Yeah I secretly love bedsharing with him. I love those early morning snuggles or MOTN snuggles too. And napping with him is so nice too.

We have railings but today we put the bed on the floor. Our bed is just as firm as his crib so I feel so much better! And I will definitely check out cosleepy. Thank you!
And yes screw wake windows lmao!!

 

[amyworshipsjesus__]

@ms92help Just came to say I’m so sorry you’re struggling, and also that your baby’s teeth will not become rotten from nursing throughout the night.

My two and a half year old had nursed throughout the night since birth and his teeth are perfect. Our dentist appointments are every three months and they always comment on how great they look/are.

 

[ms92help]

@amyworshipsjesus__ I don’t breastfeed, I do formula feed. But I imagine it is the same. I just always heard it causes rotted teeth but hearing your experience reassured me. Thank you

 

[danrisk]

@ms92help Sounds like you're being an amazing mom trying all those things! I've too found that every kid is different, every family is different, and now that we are on vacation in a hot region I find that even the environment can make a huge difference in how I parent and how our schedules look (LO is 19 months though, but we had something similar going on when he was 9 months).
I feel like mom culture has gone so toxic in the age of the internet. "You need to do this, or your LO won't ever feel safe with you" "if your baby's not sleeping right, it must be you making mistakes"... Well,seriously, duck that.

Do what works for you, whether that's a schedule or not. You've tried a schedule, maybe now try having him dictate? I wouldn't worry too much about rotten teeth in feeding at night by the way, healthy sleep is worth so much. Just try and try and do whatever works for you. If bedsharing works, do it, if it doesn't maybe try a (borrowed?) sidecar crib?

You're doing great in this discovery of your son's needs. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, that's for sure!

And remember that social media dictating whatever you should do are just people who figured something out that works for their kid. Be happy for them, maybe use their methods as inspiration - and maybe just refute it. That's okay.

Hugs!

 

[ms92help]

@danrisk Thank you so much We are happy bedsharing (for now). And I have taken the whole schedule thing loosely and I feel less pressured for sure. Thank you so much again for your kind words! You’re an amazing mom too!