I'm 42 with a 7 month old - want more but am EXHAUSTED

[jandrews]

@gordon63 Your partner wants another child but can’t care for the one you have alone for a single morning? Why can’t he provide evening care once a month? When you have two and you are focused on the baby, who is going to be watching the toddler?

No wonder you’re exhausted! If your partner wants another so badly, he needs to really figure out how to care for the one you have now first.

 

[gordon63]

@jandrews Hah, I told him that he had to do the overnight last night and he did it! And now he knows how hard those are! Everything he complained about…I was like “yup…been there so many nights.”

I said to him that before we decide on another child he has to do at least 1 overnight a week, or at least cover nights when I am sick. He’s fine with that, and is being a good sport for now…..

 

[jandrews]

@gordon63 I’m so glad to hear it! You deserve some relief. I hope you both find some balance and some insight

 

[walkbyfaith2000]

@gordon63 Have you considered getting a pet when your son gets older to resolve that baby fever?

Might not be the same as another human, but it seems like you're striving for that unconditional love and innocence that you get from a baby.

 

[gordon63]

@walkbyfaith2000 We spent a lot on home renovations and don’t want an animal messing up the walls and floors. We love animals (other people’s) but pets are a no-no.

 

[walkbyfaith2000]

@gordon63 Very fair, but guinea pigs are gentle and don't really mess up walls and floors like rabbits unless you let it run all over the house without a cage.

Life span is anywhere between 5-8 years so it would keep plenty of company. I'm sure if you put it in a laundry basket with a towel it'll sit there and let you pet it if it's people friendly.

If they're handled enough, you can technically train it to alert you when it's about to pee (at which you should put it back in the cage. Poop is unavoidable, which is why I definitely recommend a laundry basket.

Most people recommend two because they're very social animals, but pet stores will often mislabel them like rats and hamsters. I've honestly done fine with just one because of how much attention I would give them throughout the day.

However, it makes total sense not to have a pet because of your lifestyle of travel and other things. If that's the case, I would honestly stick to just one kid and enjoy guinea pigs from a distance.

 

[noahmetoyer]

@gordon63 I think it’s important to look at how you want your life to look in 5 or 10+ years when considering another or not. Infants are famously punishing (and for good reason!) they are so so cute but parenting an infant eats up your life and identity in a way a say 5 year old doesn’t. I’m a long distance runner too and when I have infants about training for anything serious is right off the table. But once my youngest kid was 2 I was back on target with running, even as a single mom with several children because they just plain do get easier as they get older. From a financial perspective a lot of people have a lot more kids with a lot less resources so it really is more about the lifestyle you want than whether or not it’s possible. You don’t have time on your side if you want another which adds that layer of complexity. A 4 year gap would probably be great for your situation but unfortunately at 42 it’s do or die from a biological perspective. There is nothing wrong with having an only child. Loads of people do! I know lots of parents with only children who are happy with that decision and lots of only children adults who are just fine with their childhood.

Do consider that you may need to put more back ended effort on parenting an only child. With an infant and a toddler the first 4-5 years are going to be bananas but then they will (typically) amuse each other so you can provide the materials and they will play together. With an only it’s easier at the start but as they grow you will need to be coordinating their social schedule a bit more to make sure they have play dates etc.

I don’t think there’s a wrong answer here! It sounds like both ways would work for your family. One thing that always helps me when I’m stuck on a tough decision is that someone once told me when you’re facing a hard choice it’s not that there is necessarily a better or worse choice- if there was an obvious better or worse choice your decision would be easy! Rather you are choosing between two good options and either way you go you will have picked a good (different) option!

 

[gordon63]

@noahmetoyer Thanks for this. I honestly cannot picture life in 5+ years because all I can see is me being sick with daycare germs, my baby being sick with the same germs and waking up in the night, and me trying to do my demanding job (fortunately, I WFH) sleep deprived and sick as a dog for the foreseeable future as my fitness deteriorates and I’m never able to pin on a bib number ever again.

I cannot envision a reality where my son can walk and talk and sleep thru the night and feed himself. I’m just not there yet. I also cannot envision a reality where I’m not sick, although I’ve only bee technically sick for a week.

But…assuming IF I recover from my super-flu AND my son eventually is able to sleep thru the night…and eventually grows up…my ideal life in 5-10 years is one where I’m able to balance parenthood, career / entrepreneurship (I own my own business), running / racing and continuing to hit the age group podium, some other creative pursuits, and travel (which is also a major passion of mine).

I don’t see my mental health making a full recovery if I have to give all of that up. I love being a parent but I need - for mental health’s sake - to also be a runner, a traveler, writer, a successful entrepreneur… and also a present wife, friend, etc.

If I can do that with two kids I’d be over the moon because I never saw myself as one and done. Every parenthood fantasy I have involves two or more kids.

 

[katrina2017]

@gordon63 I was an only child with emotionally distant parents who didn’t have friends, so it’s safe to say I also had a bad experience with being an only. However, I’m still feeling like I’m only going to be able to have one. My first pregnancy did a number on my body (I have type II achalasia) and I truly physically feel like carrying another child might kill me. I also have ADHD, and I don’t believe I can adequately disperse my attention between two children without inadvertently neglecting one.

Even though my experience as an only wasn’t good I still can’t make myself feel any kind of joy or excitement whatsoever at the thought of having another. All I can do at this point is pour everything I have left into being an active and engaged parent and do whatever I can to nurture my daughter’s friendships with others.

Don’t let your experience as an only put pressure on you or make you feel guilty for only having one. You sound like a fantastic mom. I’m sure your son already has a head start towards a better childhood with you as his mom knowing what you know about being an only.

 

[jamiehargreaves7]

@gordon63 Can your husband take s migraine medication in order to help out more at nights? I relate to all you wrote. My whole family on both sides has neurodivergence of various types going back two generations, and family were so important to everyone. No guarantees, ofc. I had a grandparent who didn't get along with their sibling and wished they had others, but they had several kids who were important active parts of life. Another grandparent had siblings and one adult child's family as the only people they see regularly. Similar on my husband's side. I'm glad I have two and am debating having a third but leaning against.

 

[loveis]

@gordon63 Children don't need siblings, they need a happy sane mother. Honestly seems crazy to me to have another child just to occupy the first one, there's always fostering or adoption of older children if you really think it's needed one day

 

[wovwr]

@gordon63 I can relate to your post. I think giving it a little more time, letting yourself recover more and adjust to all the changes of having a first child, will help bring clarity. I know it is hard to do when over 40, but the first year with a new baby is just very hard, I think especially with having had such a full life before and having to make so many changes. You could revisit this 6 months to a year. You could also consider looking into ivf, freezing eggs or embryos now so that you have the option to have a biological child in the future without worrying too much right now if waiting will be a problem. It may sound like a crazy added expense, but it could give you more time to figure out what is right for your family.

 

[katrina2017]

@gordon63 I’m a bit younger than you (almost 33) and SO is 37. We both have busy with higher than average income jobs and thought we’d have more than one child.

But this is soooo hard and he’s deemed an easy baby. I enjoy the time with him but he needs to be entertained at all times (6 months old) and bedtime is the highlight of my day (and I’ve hired help!).

I have 3 siblings and one of them is my best friend (I love the other two but nothing in common) whereas my SO also has 3 siblings but speaks to neither. So clearly there is no guarantee that we could give our current baby a best friend, so why do it again and go through this. We could have it comfortably with a second one (financially) but I’d rather offer everything we can & have to this one (including all our love & attention). No pressure to have another if you you don’t want one. My SO talks about the idea of having another, but ultimately the decision lies with me (as I’d have to get pregnant, give birth and be on mat leave and be the primary care taker) and so for now it’s a firm NO.

I miss travelling, eating out, shopping, etc. and cannot wait to do all of these with my LO (having to stop again for another baby doesn’t sound too appealing).

 

[gordon63]

@katrina2017 I miss eating out so much. I've gotten to the point where I will wax poetic about PUBLIX SUSHI.

 

[katrina2017]

@gordon63 And eating out with a baby is like eating next to a bomb about to go off!

 

[gordon63]

@katrina2017 This was our Christmas. We had a horrible Christmas because the bomb went off in the restaurant.

 

[katrina2017]

@gordon63 Ha this made me laugh! Yep, been there!

 

[gordon63]

@katrina2017 I just want to fast forward to the time in our lives when we can, like, be puttering around the Christmas markets in Munich or be having Christmas brunch at Icebergs on Bondi Beach with our little one(s) and they can actually hold a fork and don't shit their pants or throw tantrums on the regular.

I could envision having like 10 kids in that setup (assuming money weren't an issue) and loving it.

But now, with wailing, pooping, puking bomb-infants (who are adorable in their own way, but utter demons), I feel hijacked.

 

[katrina2017]

@gordon63 That time will come, and we’ll enjoy every moment of it and I’m sure that down the line we’ll look back at this with fondness. It is difficult but of course totally worth it because they don’t stay like this forever - I intend to raise a best friend who’ll want me in his life forever, and so I’ll do my best to put up a brave & happy face even when I’m utterly exhausted or irritated! Can’t believe my parents did this 4 times!!! Brave brave people!

 

[gordon63]

@katrina2017 That's what my husband keeps saying - that I shouldn't toss in the towel because it's tough right now, and we're only *delaying* the good times by a couple of years, not destroying them forever.

But I just can't see it.

I'm trying to run a business on three different continents, sleep-deprived, riddled with daycare germs, while still trying to have a normal relationship with my husband (read: sex, date nights, watching Netflix without being puked on) and doing activities completely unrelated to motherhood or making money that fill my cup.

I see other families in my neighborhood with 3 kids and one income (dad works, mom does not) and I wonder if the mom sold her company to some PE fund and is sitting on high 7 figures of exit capital because I just cannot fathom how people do it without oodles of help.